Watched porn today. Thought that anyways I’ll be stopping it so why not watch it one last time. Porn makes us different human being. Corrupts our soul. Thankfully I didn’t relapse. Now no lust. Hard mode is totally on. If I entertain in lust I’ll reset my streak.
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Checking in - Tuesday 17th September. Stumbled a bit yesterday, but thank GOD, all good.
@Special_Bird Best of success with your exams brother! My suggestion would be to take some time and assess what work you have in front of you, what to prioritize and how much time you can allocate to each area. I have some upcoming deadlines I’m behind on and I’ve had to do a similar assessment.
@Positivebloke Really good! I signed the Fighter’s Pledge after watching it. I want to get one of the T-shirts as well.
@anon67854825 You’re on the verge of a major breakthrough brother. Praying for you 
. You will overcome this!
The road to recovery will not always be easy, but I will take it one day at a time, focusing on the moments I’ve dreamed about for so long.
Amanda Lindhout
90 days isn’t the end of trials and tribulation. I knew this intellectually, but yesterday I experienced it in full effect. Those were the strongest urges I’ve had this entire streak. For the first time since day zero, I really felt close to returning to the darkness I’d left behind. Thank GOD, I escaped with my streak intact and a few scratches; no pornography hard or soft, no masturbation. But I don’t want to seek out any lustful videos whatsoever, even if they’re on YouTube and socially acceptable.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I will focus on giving thanks to GOD and being clean today. By keeping my mind on my vision of a beautiful life and my strong reasons for moving forward, I gain the strength to have another All good day.
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Bless you my brother 
You always pop up in my prayers, but will make a conscious effort to pray for you tomorrow.
Is there something specific I can pray for? Like virtue of patience? Or something?
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I need patience too.
And a lot of strength for work & relationships
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Week 46 ~ Tuesday
All good 
Thanks be to God.
Nobody has ever mentioned it, or maybe I just haven’t noticed - but conflict in the mind, to me, is the real adversary.
Most of my falls have been due to unresolved thoughts, conflict, doubt, or simply failing to accept it - the hard times.
I remember trying to practice Tai Chi short form by memory a few weeks ago, and because I couldn’t remember, hands go down the pants.
If I struggle at work, or don’t find solutions, hands, usually open up YouTube etcetera…
Conflict comes from various places.
Life isn’t always perfect.
Conflict can emerge from anywhere.
How we deal with it, I don’t actually know.
How I deal with it, I have to go to the final solution, God
If you had a son, how would you love him?
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I went to Tai Chi this evening, and beat my mate on Fifa tonight 
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Check-in Week 46 - TuesDay 2 - Sep 17
Reset the counter after dilemma of To Relapse or Not ⚠️ [NSFW]
But I’m not back where I started, learning something from everytime.
Phenoix Rises.
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Damn, I failed again, this is the 4992th time, it’s not even tragic anymore, it’s just boring. Last week, I started well a few days, then kept edging a little almost everyday, until I got totally depressed on weekend, and relapsed all the way to PMO.
I’m starting over, and trying to focus a little more on my work. Some things in my life are getting better, hopefully it will help me. There’s something that must change inside, in order to this work for me.
Good luck guys, thanks for being here, and checking in.
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Week 45 - Tuesday
All good. Two full weeks without PMO now! Thanks to God
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Week 8 - Sep 17, Tues - Streak: 23 days
@Positivebloke @Forerunner Thank you guys for the encouragement and tips, I will definitely try to use them as I go forward with this week. I’m going to need it.
@Forerunner Stay strong man! Remember that if you are feeling a lot of guilt for the stumble, do not let it take a hold of your mind. It is useless, and urges may use that to get to you tomorrow. We are all rooting for you and praying for your sobriety. You have been an endless motivator for all of us.
@anon67854825 Very true for me as well. Conflict in my head is probably the number 1 reason for my relapses. But I think that’s why coming here and journaling is so effective for me. I put all my thoughts I have been wrestling with and that have been causing me internal conflict, and I put them out there. And they lose their power, it’s amazing stuff.
@Juvenal I know the feeling man. Been there so many times and it’s such a ridiculous feeling. It’s all the same, it all ends the same, and yet I never change it.
It brought up memories of when I was a teen. Laying on my bathroom floor. Screaming silently. I wanted to punch the glass mirror that sat along the counter. I wanted to shatter it into tiny bits. I wanted to tear a hole in the wall. I wanted to audibly scream my eyes out. But it was the middle of the night and if everyone heard what would I say. I felt the walls were closing in on me, I felt claustrophobic, like I had no room to breath. I wanted to run away and escape this feeling, but where would I go. Yet even so, I almost got in my car and drove far away. I vividly imagined it in my head.
But that wouldn’t change anything. It would only make it worse. It was a terrible feeling.
But eventually I became complacent with it. It all became boring as you said.
Day after day, year after year.
What had I become? Where was I going?
Is this me? Is this who I am? What does it matter?
I had another one of those claustrophobic moments, those moments of pure rage and terror of what I had become and what I would be. It was so uncertain. That was recently. And yet I still relapsed. But it was making me angry again, I realized my character was transforming into something different. And I didn’t want to go there.
Bro, I dont know. But this stuff is so unbelievably rotten. I cant believe where it has taken me. I think that’s easy to forget when we have been in it for so long, or even out of it for so long. We forget how it transforms us. How it breaks down our spirit. We become complacent with mediocrity and immorality. We become ok with being cogs in the evolutionary machine. The souless and mundane life that is life with PMO. Both when we are in its midst and have been free for some time, we forget this. How do we forget this?? Our memory is short-lived. But if we can remember how it is to be free, or in turn to be enslaved. How it makes us feel. Then maybe we can be strong in the face of these urges.
Keep at it dude, keep searching, you will find your will and break free. This is not your destiny. Yours is much greater!
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Checking in - All good
Week 46 - September 18, Wednesday
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Checking in - Wednesday 18th September. All good, thank GOD.
@anon67854825 @Special_Bird Thank you for your support and encouragement brothers!
@Gk-00 Great to see you’ve gone two weeks now!
GOD Bless you all
“The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives.”
Rollo Tomassi
For far too long, I’ve felt powerless. I looked at the movie of my life playing out and felt more like an extra or cameo character than the star of the show. I was giving so much of my power away to the addiction.
I want to reclaim my power and maintain control of where my life is heading.
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Check-in Wednesday
Prayed for all my companions today 
I’ve been lazy like a sloth bear
Woke up early, & slept back again 
Sat to study, & got lost in thoughts
I’ve been just sitting & doing nothing. I should stop being this way 
aiming to be productive tomorrow
All good
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Week 46 - WednesDay 3 - Sep 18
Flame On 
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Week 46 - wednesday
All good
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Week 46 ~ Wednesday
All good Thanks be to God
@Special_Bird thank you for your comment, its really great advise 
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@Special_Bird very nice to read your thoughts, and to get a little closer to the things you had lived. Thank you so much. I had a nice and focused Wednesday. I know there’s plenty of other ways to live, and you helped me to keep that in mind. I wish you all the luck in your journey.
Wednesday, Week 46, all went well
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Week 8 - Sep 18, Wed - Streak: 24 days
One more day to 25 days! Unbelievable, my progress has been exponential.
And it’s even crazier because of the amount of stress I’m still dealing with in school. Late nights and rough assignments. But I’m still holding out, no edging either.
Life is hard, but I choose whether to make it miserable, or manageable.
This is my streak, I am going to make it.
“If the wind will not serve, take to the oars”
-Latin Proverb
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There was some issue with the server, it is solved now
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