Going into day 23. Rough day ahead. Negotiating work contract and fearful of how it will turn out. These are the times I just want to give into urges. Keep reminding myself that in 24 hours it will be a new day, regardless. Need to face the day head on. I can do this. I have to do this.
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I am only on day 4 and your diary made me feel so encouraged. Its so good to see you having your streak and fighting your inner demons. I hope i will follow your succes, my friend.
Good luck and stay strong.
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@ivres we can support one another. I have found support on this app. Keep taking one step at a time…
One day at a time. We can do this. Had a rough day, but made it through. Going to bed and alarm is set to start the day at the gym.
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Day 24. Contract still not settled. Just want to be respected for my work. Every indication is that they will treat me fairly. But insecurities surface. I struggle with trusting anyone. Always have kept people at a distance. Keep pushing forward one day at a time. Went to the gym, meditated in the steam room, keeping myself busy, reminding myself how tired I am of losing the fight. Another day here we come.
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I have never drank or did drugs. Never a problem. I could just avoid them. Not have the things in my house. I can walk away. But my dick is always there. It is there when I sleep, eat, shower, go to work, and even some place like church. Inches away from my hand. This takes more will power than anything in my life. Even the dopamine from eating takes more effort to accomplish. Have to find the food, maybe even cook it. Even takes my hand further to reach my mouth than it does my dick. I WILL OVERCOME. I MUST OVERCOME. Sorry for the rambling, but I am finding going to this app helps fight the urges more than anything I have tried in the past. Sometimes recording these feelings and frustrations are enough to keep me on the path. Just keep moving forward.
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Exactly man! This is a good practice.
Yes! I believe in you, you can do this.
Keep at it!
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@Special_Bird you are always so supportive. Thank you man. Now I need to go to bed before I risk surfing where no man needs to surf
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Day 25. New day. Friday night’s are the most risk. Stayed up late which is risky, but stayed strong. Need to change the habit of staying up late on Fridays. Lots planned to keep myself busy today. Check in later.
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Moments away from day 26. Last night I attended a social event. Saw someone I knew from work, but wasn’t suspecting. Briefly said “hi”, but felt awkward and quickly walked away. By the end of the night I mustered up my courage, reviewed some social skills in my head, and walked back over to him. Kept up a conversation for quite awhile. Working on building relationships/friendships. It is hard. I am uncomfortable around guys. I often feel I don’t measure up, I worry about being judged or rejected, I fear them from being abused in the past. Last night went in the win column.
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That’s inspiring to read, how you are moving from your comfort zone. First steps are small, but it is only the beginning. The best way to conquer you fears is to face them and that’s exactly what you are doing. Stay strong and brave, bro!
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Thats how you build them skills. GO ON LIKE THIS MAN
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Awesome work man! 
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Feeling depressed tonight. Going to bed and will face another day head on. Some days I feel like Frodo climbing Mt Doom. One foot in front of the other. I can’t stop or give up now. Praying.
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Day 26. My intent was never to go hard mode, but to give up pm and have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife without shame and guilt. I had gotten to the point I watched p every time I had a moment alone. It had become a way to numb and no longer excite. When with my wife I could get an erection, but couldn’t come. Between fighting off the images in my head, feeling only numb, and focused on the shame instead of the person I love I couldn’t have a healthy relationship. Each day I start to feel again. This means I also have to work through negative feelings as well as the good ones. Each day I feel more human. Here is to another day.
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Finishing up day 27. Got a lot accomplished today, but it never feels like it is enough. Always more I should have done. Feels endless. These are the feelings I need to manage and challenge. I am one person. I am not super human. I have to remember I am good enough and look at my accomplishments instead of my failures. For example, I have almost made it to 30 days. I just have to keep going.
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Day 28 here we come. Wish I could shake the depression and anxiety.
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Day 30. Glad I made it this far, but wish I wasn’t feeling so depressed. Not giving up because I know if I turned back to old habits I would feel just as bad if not worse. I really want to succeed this time.
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Day 31. I believe p and meth are similar in nature. You start out because the high feels good, but then you need it more and more because the lows get lower when not using. After a while the healthy chemicals just stop producing as the overstimulation has blown the brain fuses like plugging to much into an outlet and blowing a fuse. I see so many get off meth and have to deal with depression until their brain begins to heal. My drug is p and m, but going through the same depression. I keep reminding myself I have to give my body a chance to heal. I keep going
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Day 1. I knew it isn’t healthy for me to stay up late on Friday night’s until the wee hours of Saturday, but I did it any way. Someone said on here stay away from mature stuff on Netflix, but I did it any way. Rationalized it really wasn’t p, because where is that line anyway. Next thing I knew I was skimming ahead in future episodes looking for the nude scenes. Knowing in my mind I needed to reset my clock even if I wasn’t on a specific p site. So I rationalized “why not”, and went to a site. Looked for a couple of minutes, but realized I couldn’t change what happened the few minutes ago, but I was in control at that moment. Empowered myself, deleted the site, painfully reset my clock, turned off my device, and didn’t m. Couldn’t sleep because of the frustration and disappointment in myself. Trying to focus on the success of turning it around in moments and not going all the way doing m and o. In the past I would of just given in and given up, sometimes given in for months or years. This time jumped back in after only a few minutes. Didn’t post yesterday because of the frustration and wanted to make sure I put over 24 hours under my belt without giving in and quitting. Nope, firmly back on the right path.
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Great job for pushing past the urge to MO even after resetting your clock! That legitimately takes so much determination.
But you made it to 30 days which is amazing by itself, you can definitely get there again and farther. I know that depression well, I think it is as you said, an experience that occurs due to the lack of dopamine, a hard flatline. And as a result of that depression I have many times ended up where you were at, watching some scandalous entertainment to break the feeling.
But you know that pitfall this time brother, I believe you will get past it this time. Rise again!
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