Bobm diary first try

Day 5. First few days weren’t bad. Felt support on this app. However, today woke up depressed. Pmo is my way have feeling again. Some people cut to feel, alter their mind state, or to punish themselves. My method is pmo. Been doing it so long. At the gym. Working on fighting the habit. Trying to be strong.

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So I went to the gym, meditated, ate a healthy breakfast. Determined to get through the day.

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Almost to day 7. Back at the gym. Tonight may be more challenging as I will be alone. Porn. Is a habit when alone. Body is feeling the abstinence. Took a dump and seminal fluid leaked out. Sorry for the gory details.

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You are doing great brother. A week in already :+1::+1:

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Less than an hour to day 8. Woke up hard, but again went to the gym. Staying strong

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Minutes away from day 9. Woke up rock hard, low motivation, not wanting to go to the gym. Forced myself out of bed, forced myself to the gym. Giving up porn seems overwhelming. Never watch it again?!?! It has been a part of my life since I can remember. Looking to far ahead seems impossible. Just looking at today. Just one day at a time. I will get through today. I must get through today.

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Minutes away from day 10. Never tracked before and gaining insight. Yesterday and today dealing with depression. Not sleeping well. Now I have to face the weekend. Just focus on next 24 hours. Keep going.

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Day 11. Last night stayed up late researching the research around the controversial data debating if porn is addictive instead of looking at porn. I know it is addictive. Otherwise I would have given it up years ago. This weekend will be a challenge as my partner is occupied with other things. I will have to face loneliness. Don’t like loneliness so usually deaden with porn. Fighting the urge. One day at a time. Need to learn to address my emotions instead of numbing even if the emotion is feeling empty and alone.

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Day 12. Made it through yesterday when had a lot of alone down time. Not sure how I am feeling. Woke up and started stressing and ruminating about all the stressors in my life. Wish life was easier. Why do we make it so hard? Today is another day. Get through today.

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Today had an increase in spirituality and felt good. Then as the sun goes down finding self more irritable. Ups and down. Staying strong.

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Less than an hour to day 13. Had very explicit sexual dream last night. Got up and car wouldn’t start. Still managed to get to the gym. Still having difficulty getting the dream image out of my head. One moment and one day at a time.

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Good work man, you are making great progress!

I’ve been getting those dreams a lot lately too. It can be hard to get them out of your head, but make sure you keep trying. Letting those get any root inside your mind will lead to a nasty urge. It may seem futile sometimes, but continual effort towards redirecting your focus onto something else whether it be a mental image or something physical will help you to rid yourself of those urges.

For me what’s worked continually on this streak is something called the X technique. I posted a good description of it just a bit ago so I’ll just bring that up below. Give it some time and effort and you might find it very helpful.

Stay strong :muscle:

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Thanks for the support. Focused on the day tasks, got new battery for the car. Back on the good path. One day at a time

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Less than an hour to day 14. Am I depressed due to a lifetime of pmo or do I pmo because I am depressed? Maybe this journey well help answer that question. Finding myself eating more sugar. Looking for that dopamine hit one way or another. Need to master all areas. Some days it feels like wearing cement boots. One day at a time. Holding out hope.

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This is the cycle you were trapped in. Now you are slowly trying to break the cycle. And talking about dopamine , within the first two weeks on nofap your brain is craving for dopamine , it’s undergoing some intense changes, it’s not use to nofap . So within this time you need to build a new set of habits which will eventually be giving you dopamines on the long run. Just somehow hold on to your reasons, sometimes you won’t feel urges instead you will feel emptiness and sometimes you will be hit like a truck from an intense urge out of nowhere. Stay focused, stay clean .🤸

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Yep very true, running has been my go-to for this one. Terrible at first, but surprisingly addicting and beneficial once you get the ball rolling.

@bobm I’d give it a try if you haven’t already, you might find it helps the depression too, lifts the spirits for the day.

I use to run regularly, but then was hurting my feet running so much. Now I go to the gym almost every day. It helps keep me from going to depths of despair, but still depressed. So many years of self loathing and secrets. Time to come out in the light. Maybe learn to love myself. Joining this app and sharing is a huge step for me. I remember like it was yesterday the first time I masturbated. So young, so intriguing, such wonder. Not everything that is shining is gold. It was fools gold. And I was the fool. Now it is time to grow up and be a man.

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Ah ok that makes sense, and yes exercise won’t heal the depression but yeah it does help to lighten the mood each day. I still remember my first time as well, little did I know I was bringing myself down a deep, dark hole that would lead to such a terrible existence.

However, I have to look back on it all now and realize that despite all of the wasted time, depression, and darkness, the greatest learning came out of the experience of fighting this. I no longer struggle with depression nor anxiety, nor low self-confidence, etc.

There’s light on the other side of this brother. As you said, opening up about it in a safe place like this is the first step. All those years of hiding away and beating yourself up inside takes a lot of time to unravel and solve.

But you will get through this.

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#special_bird thank you for your support. It means a lot. Another day under my belt. Another day ahead. Trying to be more real every day instead of hiding behind the mask. We Will Get through this.

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Well into day 15. So far so good.

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