Day 0
He who knows a why, can endure just any how.
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Day 20
A message from Matt
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I didn’t know that’s what integrity meant, but it’s certainly the goal! Moving towards being whole - no longer being a divided man. Thanks for sharing man.
Glad to see you got straight back on track brother! Keep going strong!
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Day 27
A message from Matt
“Taking action” is an important point. I try my best to learn from my mistakes in recovery so I reduce the likelihood of doing them again.
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Day 30
30 days completed. I’m gaining back some momentum. My current sprint reminds me of my reason:
I choose to be porn free today because porn costs me my confidence I want to be full of integrity.
I’ve put more focus on being mindful this sprint. Shaping my thoughts. Craig Perra’s advice is a lot about being mindful, being aware of what we are thinking. Don’t we all know the situation where a trigger causes obsessive thinking: all we picture in our head is then just body parts and perverted stuff. We need to break that cycle at its earliest stage. The triggers will always be there but our response will change the outcome.
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Fear-based recovery
This is an extract of my notes on fear-based recovery, that is specially relevant for me today.
Fear-based recovery means that some parts of you engage in the process of recovery mainly because you fear missing out on something or fear the consequences of PMO. If that’s the case for you, even if just to some degree, this might cause some negative effects:
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Your motivation will lose power over time: fear as a motivation is exhausting and we become hopeless, too tired to care.
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Your fear-based compliance will have trouble with facing consequences: being honest will be difficult, we are afraid to lose something if we are honest.
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Your fear-based compliance will make it difficult to endure suffering: when bad things happen and the situation changes, we adapt a victim kind of thinking.
You need something else to pull you along on this journey, because fear won’t give you enough motivation. You need to practice honesty, instead of being afraid of losing respect, love or affirmation. Remember that your performance in recovery is not what measures your worth. Don’t let relapses and fear of the consequences make you shift responsibility for your actions.
Your recovery needs to be based on mercy, gratitude and acceptance. Understand that you are doing recovery not to earn affirmation and love (from yourself included) but because you are already worthy of it. If you feel isolated, engange in a group which practices acceptance. Don’t try to get pride, affirmation and love by earning it. You are worthy of treating yourself with love and self care, because you matter. You are you and that’s okay.
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Trigger - Thought - Action
Every story of a relapse with pornography or other forms of compulsive sexual behaviors follows the same pattern. There’s a trigger. There are some thoughts that follow that trigger. Then we take action in the wrong direction. Eventually we find ourselves, once again, in front of the computer, the penis in our hand and porn on the display. We ejaculate and there it comes again… the shame.
We often wish the triggers to go away or hope to find a way to make ourselves immune towards the triggers. The reality is: your triggers will never go away, they are biologically hardwired.
This means, looking at an attractive woman, seeing something sexual or whatever trigger you have, will always sparkle up your senses and initiate the thoughts.
The thoughts often come right after the trigger, almost immediately. It’s the voice that says “I’d love to have …” or “I’d love to do … to her” or just “I want to watch porn so bad!”. Sometimes it’s just self-deprecating, like “I’m such a loser for relapsing again”. The thoughts are hard to get rid off. We have been “wiring” our brain like that for years. After years of PMO, it’s one of the easiest things for our brain to think of.
The action we take after the trigger and immediate thought is what determines the outcome though. When we manage to create space between the thought and action, that’s when we can take ownership of the situation and move towards healthy recovery.
For starters, I’d recommend you do this: every time you get triggered, write it down. Doesn’t have to be on paper, take your smartphone. Write down the thoughts that come right after. What action will you take afterwards? What actions have you taken? Think about this and create awareness.
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This.
A trigger is a trigger, sure, but so what? The reaction is what matters.
Nice food triggers my appetite. Pictures of a sunset trigger my need for holidays on the beach. And a beautiful woman triggers my sexuality.
But do I start to eat despite the fact that I want to stay fit? No. Do I randomly book a flight to Costa Rica? No. And do I watch ■■■■ and jerk off to it? No.
It’s not the trigger we have to fight, it is our initial reaction. This is what discipline and control over yourself means. It came easy in other aspects of our life because we were taught to behave like that. Since nobody (well, more or less, depends of course) really talks about sexuality in a down to earth way (it’s either exaggerated or prude), we have to learn it now.
Thanks for your thoughts and reminding me of that! 
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A very important reminder for all of us.
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You are right in every way. Thanks.
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Happiness Index
Quite often, our current mood can determine whether we slip back into old habits such as edging, watching porn or masturbating. Therefore it’s important to know how our actions impact our current state and where we stand at the moment. The Happiness Index is a powerful tool to do just that.
Do you remember the times back at school, when you used to get grades? In the “school of life”, you have 6 subjects and you are both the student and teacher, if you take responsibility. Your subjects are:
Health: How is your diet? Do you hydrate properly? Do you eat lots of greens and vegetables? Do you avoid processed foods? Do you exercise regularly?
Relationships: Do you socialize with other people? Do you meet friends? Do you have healthy romantic relationships? How do you get along with your family?
Spirituality: If religious, how well do you follow your faith? Else, how well do you connect with yourself and practice mindfulness? (Or however you define spirituality)
Career: How are you doing in your job? Or how well are you working towards your dream job? Do you see a meaning in the work you do?
Finances: How well do you manage your money? Do you follow your budget plan?
Hobbies: Do you cultivate habits that further enrich your life? Do you find time to take care of yourself with healthy habits?
While thinking about those subjects, keep in mind that what you do or do not do contributes to your grade in that area. Give yourself numbers:
4 = I’m doing great, couldn’t be happier.
3 = Doing somewhat okay, could be improved.
2 = I’m doing bad, improvement is needed.
1 = I do really bad on this subject and this needs immediate action.
How do you score in life? What actions contribute to good grades? What actions do contribute to bad grades? If you’ve got any 1 or 2s in your subjects, that’s where it would be worth checking what you could do to improve the situation. Realize that you are both the one in charge making those grades better and also the one deciding how you are doing in those subjects. It’s up to you to take action.
Taking action means setting up small achievable goals for that subject, so you can improve in that area. For example, if you score a 1 or 2 in spirituality, an option would be starting with guided meditations once a week, to get to know how this works. The idea is to implement small steps so you move forward and get used to new healthy habits. After doing that, you will see how you score better in life.
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Embrace The Power Of Choice
60 days. I’ve been there a couple of times. I’ve gone way beyond that a couple of times also. However, one thing I’ve learnt is that inner part of you, that part of you that wants to use porn in order to escape/cope/numb feelings and situations in your life, does not care about your streak at all.
At one point on this journey, the actual physical seek for dopamine with PMO weakens. As science states, this happens something around 90 days. Your brain is “rewired”. I’ve experienced this myself and I’m confident that a couple of 20-30ish day streaks after another will do have the same or at least very similar effect as 90 days without porn in a row. Why is it that we still go back?
The bad habit is still there. The habit of going on autopilot when life becomes difficult, when something makes us feel angry/sad/isolated/tired/stressed whatever, you name it. That’s the way we have treated ourselves for year. It’s a habit and it’s a choice.
As Craig Perra says, “embrace the power of choice”. Be aware of what’s going on in your head and use tools to increase your awareness. I’ve mentioned a couple of tools on this diary. The power of choice is in you, you have it!
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Journal to connect with yourself
Today I had a phone call with my accountability partner and one of the topics was a method I use when writing my journal. For me, a journal is a tool to reflect, see the lessons in my experiences and connect with myself. Do this every morning or evening. It’s part of your routine. Fill in the brackets and you will see how this works:
Dear [your name],
[In this paragraph, you write about your recent experiences. In most cases, picking one specific thing that sticks out to you in your recent memories is a good choice. Just write about what that thing was and how it made you feel about yourself.]
Boundaries: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of your boundaries. I mean boundaries that keep you safe, boundaries that represent your values, boundaries that signalize when something you are doing hurts you.]
Empathy: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of the empathy you have for yourself or how you can cultivate it. Relate to your past self and realize what emotions were present in that experience.]
Equals: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of your equality to other people, because we all go through whatever sort of experiences in our lives.]
Forgiveness: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of the forgiveness you can give yourself without any condition. Let go of grudges, painful experiences and forgive yourself.]
Independence: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of your independence and personal growth. Focus on how this experience can make you grow as an independent individual who takes ownership.]
Control: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of the reach of your control. You can control your reaction to your thoughts, the way you think and your behaviors but not other people.]
Coherence: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of the alignment of your thoughts, actions and how that fits the situation. Perhaps you wish you had reacted differently in that experience. Learn how you can be more in alignment with yourself from that experience.]
Self-Appreciation: [Write a couple sentences on how that experience makes you aware of how much you appreciate yourself. If you have little appreciation for yourself, give yourself words of appreciation and gratitude without any conditions. You are you and that’s okay.]
Take care,
[your name]
I hope this showcases that a journal can be a way to connect with yourself without any judgement but with curiosity, compassion, and empathy instead. Engaging in compulsive porn use is distancing yourself from you and others, numbing your feelings and coping with life in a destructive manner. With a journal you practice the opposite.
Take care.
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The benefit of doing NoFap
Beyond all the “super powers” and “semen retention benefits” people talk about in the community, such as a clear mind, more confidence, better relationships and so on, there’s one single benefit that’s really important for me and I think for everybody else too regardless of their streak. That benefit is being free of this modern self sabotaging slavery, in other words, it’s freedom.
Think about all your past PMO sessions. Considering all the people involved in those sessions, from the people working behind the sites, to the people in front of the camera, to the viewers and you, you are the only person walking in there to make the worst possible deal for yourself. You can look at this from a spiritual, physical, health, relational, or sometimes even financial point of view and all things considered, you are losing. In the process of doing PMO, you are damaging your spirituality, your brain and your health, your relationships and perhaps wasting money… all while the other people involved, from the camera men to the “stars”, they are making money and fame at your costs and thus walking out of this with a much better deal than you. Each PMO session you do further increases your loss while making you a slave of their product.
Freedom is …
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the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants.
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the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.
and that’s the biggest benefit of doing NoFap you could ever get.
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Well said brother! Freedom is the most invaluable benefit we receive on this journey. Nothing beats no longer being a slave to PMO.
Keep going man!
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Yeah bro…you are absolutely right… Freedom thats all we want. Keep going brother. May god bless you.
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Congratulations brother @anon13059885 for completing 90 days.
I cannot give you any usefull suggestion now for further journey… you are more experienced than me in this… but i want to motivate you for further journey.
Stay strong brother and keep going like this.
This is for you…
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That’s a great quote @neo_150 Keeping sights ahead and focused on continued growth and self-improvement.
Congratulations @anon13059885 on 90 days of your new journey! Keep making better choices!
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Affirmations for now
- PMO and other forms of instant gratification, like social media, shitty meals and trash alike, provide no genuine pleasure. They create instant damage, have no value, do not fill any void but create one instead.
- I’m not making a sacrifice since there’s nothing to give up and no reason to feel deprived. PMO created those bad feelings and the lack of energy in the first place.
- I have stopped and escaped this trap. I’ve chosen freedom. I’ve done myself a favor. There are positive gains to achieve. The time to be free is now. I’ve made the positive decision to kick this addiction for good.
- I enjoy being a non-user and only that can bring me true calmness, sharpness in my mind and compassion.
- There’s no such thing as just that one peek, since it’s that one peek that got me hooked and created the illusion of enjoyment in the first place.
- Whenever I think about porn, I see a filthy lifetime of spending eons of time behind a screen for the privilege of destroying myself mentally and physically, a lifetime of slavery and hopelessness.
Thanks @neo_150 and @Forerunner for the congratulations.
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Stoicism
This philosophy is more than just an attitude. Stoics think that everything around us operates according to a web of cause and effect, resulting in a rational structure of the universe ( Logos ). We may not always have control over the events affecting us but we can have control over how we approach things. A stoic tries to deal with the world as it is, while persuing self-improvement through four cardinal virtues:
- Wisdom: the ability to navigate complex situations in a logical, informed and calm manner.
- Temperance: the exercise of self-restraint and moderation in all aspects of life.
- Justice: treating others with fairness even when they have done wrong.
- Courage: not just in extraordinary circumstances, but facing daily challanges with clarity and integrity.
Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage.
Stoicism does not encourage passivity. The idea is that only people who have cultivated virtue and self-control in themselves can bring positive changes in others.
Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Many of the stoic principles can be found also in self-help/self-improvement movements or modern psychology.
We suffer not from the events in our lives, but from our judgement about them.
Stoics remind themselves that everything takes up space, either mentally or physically, hence the virtue of temperance.
We don’t control events, but we do control what they mean.
Your mind can create all the abundance you could ever imagine, so you need to protect it like it’s the only possession you have.
Think of your problems in relation to the sky.
Taken from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9OCA6UFE-0
I’ve read about stoicism in the NoFap community a couple of times and recently I looked up a video and took some notes. Out of those four virtues, I know that temperance is the one I definitely lack the most progress. I don’t necessarily buy myself a lot of things but I consume visually. A lot. Throughout years of my life, I’ve consumed a bunch of trash on youtube, instagram, ■■■■ sites and other sites that do not bring any actual benefit. And as the stoics say, those things take up space, both in my time and mind.
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