A Day in a Fighter's Life (Diary)

Hello there,

I have decided to write this diary after I reached 14 days streak. It is not a record to me, but it is one of very few times I have reached this much.
This is my first time I write a diary in English. I will try to put in my thoughts and experience here, hoping it would help or inspire someone.

You are welcome to participate and share your thoughts too.

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April 26: A NEW JOURNEY
Day 14

Today closes another week, and opens the third. It was not easy and it won’t be easier. But I have to fight to get till the end.
In 2 weeks, I had many urges, and many thoughts, but the idea is how to deal with your thoughts and what to do when you have an urge. Urges are dangerous, and if there was no solid plan to be followed immediately, a relapse may be the next step.
I am in an exams session, in a very hard semester. I know for a fact that if I relapsed, I may miss and fail a whole course. Also, Ramadan is a great opportunity to stop watching. The spirtuals and religious atmosphere, with some dedication, patience, and blessings from God, makes it easier to not watch porn and to stay fighting strong…

That’s it for today.
Will be back tomorrow… or so…

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Keep going strong akhi, good work…

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April 27: UNCONSCIOUSNESS
DAY 15 DONE

Dear Diary,
Today is another successful day. I am really enjoying how strong I am. 3 months ago was my last attempt to NoFap, and I relapsed after a 15 days streak. I have been always afraid of this day. Maybe it is a psychological thing, but what I am very sure of now is that I will not relapse. I learnt from my previous mistakes.
Today was very weird. I woke up with good energy and, in the last couple of days I had no urges at all. However, due to the stress I was in today studying for my upcoming exam, I started feeling bad urges!! I was that close to peeking. It was after I decided to take a break from studying. I opened YouTube but watched a video that was bothering. This made an urge, and the stress made that urge build up more. My hands drove me to chrome, and I was unintentionally typing on the keyboard some things. Thank god, the fight in me was capable of controlling the situation and erasing everything.
I am sad to see myself write such thing on my diary, but I hope that this will not happen again and that I will be able to take much more control over myself.
This experience made me find a new trigger to put onto the list. No more YouTube when I am alone, or maybe no phone allowed into my room.
Time to take action

But after all, I am Still Standing Strong (SSS)…
See you tomorrow, with a new experience and journey

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Oh god I am having bad urges.
I tried to run away by the plan I made, but whatever I do, I keep getting those pics in my mind. I am afraid this may lead me to relapse!
I will try not to relapse. And hopefully I will succeed.

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Don’t relapse brother, whatever happens, just do something, there is always something better to do, and we only realize that after relapsing.

Today I gave jn to the urges but I will come back strong, all I had to do was go and take a cold shower but I sat Lazily and showered after relapsing :sweat::sweat:

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April 28: Build Up

Dear Diary
Today was a very whole new experience. It was a true test on whether or not I wanna give up porn and live my own happy life.
It started with me being stressed for the past week, building up day after day, tired, and sleep deprived due to lots of study and work. This came up to me with a very stressful, difficult urge. I started visualizing and this got me hard, and never stopped whatever I did. I left my phone in the room, went to my family, and still urges came. I went prayed, but still had urges. This got me so tired that I thought I was gonna give up. That simple. I started repeating how bad i will feel after a relapse, but man, nothing helped.
Thank god, I went out with my family on a road trip for an hour, and this had me refreshed, then slept as soon as I returned back home, and woke up for sahoor.

Hard day, hard success
But I am SSS…

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Use this opportunity which made u learn to avoid Or be ready for a situation like this which almost was going to lead u to relapse

Stay positive bro. Don’t relapse.

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First, thanks for that. You do not know how much it helped. Indeed when I felt the urge, I came to this forum and got some motivation…

Second, I am sorry to hear you relapsed. It is not an easy feeling, but make sure to stand up again and fight till the end.
And know that Duaa my brother is a very strong weapon which makes you feel better, stronger, and blessed. This sencere connection with Allah is enough to keep you away!

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Third, I will indeed learn from this.
I was a bit open to myself and I was not strict. I was somehow happy to let in those feelings process in my mind.
I should be stronger and harder.

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Sure akhi i will keep this habit all my life

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April 29: A Day With Friends
DAY 18

Dear Diary,
I successfully finished my 18th day away from porn. I am very proud of myself!
I woke up today, attended my lectures, and due to little sleep, I slept for a couple of hours after my lecture ended. I then went with my friends for a night, where we ate, played billiard and had a cup of coffee. It was a great day, and thankfully I had no urges.

I am Still Standing Strong SSS
See you in a new experience

April 30: Motivated
DAY 19

Dear Diary.
I was never more motivated than I were today. I took enough sleep, woke up a bit late (before iftar in 1 hour). Then at night I prayed and studied.
Hope this feeling remains.
SSS
Meet you tomorrow.

Dear Diary,
So, I left this forum for 2 days.
I am back now!
Will update you, diary, with my thoughts in the past 2 days shortly soon…
Stay Tuned

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RELAPSE
Chapter 1: SUCCESS

Dear Diary,
The previous month was an accomplishment to me. At the start of Ramadan, I started a new page in my life. I wanted to get rid of this addiction.
I succeeded, and my path seemed obvious…
20 days passed with very good results: No Porn. As for urges, they were always there, but my plan was good to stop them.

  • Help family
  • Do push-ups, or exercises
  • Have a cold shower
  • Go pray and make dua…

I had high spirits and my religious work in this month kept any relapse away.
I should not forget this great forum that helped me and supported me…

I was 7 days away from breaking my highest no porn record of 27 days. Accomplishment, wasn’t it? Or, that’s how it seemed…

RELAPSE
Chapter 2: LUSTFUL

Since the start of May, I haven’t written anything.
I have been in a very hard and difficult situation.
I had studies from one side, making me stressed, and sleep deprived, and then several urges from another. Urges were pushing me towards watching, peeking or whatever that is called. I fought back. I remembered how my progress has been and how I could, for the first time since a long time ago, I can live a whole Ramadan without watching porn.
Urges returned.
I fought.
My mind kept thinking nonstop. How can I fight this urge? Am I really falling?
I don’t think so. I can fight back.

Then I peeked. I felt like my hands started searching for old stuff, and whenever I see something in front of me, I close everything. I had a battle in my mind. My good side is telling me to stop and continue this path, and my bad, evil side is telling me to peek.
I did this several times. But man, each time I peeked, dopamine increases, and this pulls me towards peeking more…
I decided to return back to the forum, get motivated and ask for help. I HAD TO PUT THIS TO AN END.

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RELAPSE
Chapter 3: THE ACT

The last 10 days of Ramadan started. My spirits got higher. I shouldn’t miss this great night. I shouldn’t miss the opportunity that I will pass a full Ramadan without an immoral video.
But urges were always there. And this time they got stronger.
My mood was not supporting me: I was sleepy, sleep deprived, and stressed. Urges get activated faster and easier…
I was supposed to have a plan ahead of me to fight back any urges, and I tried following my plan, but I think the plan was missing something.
Urges started increasing. They never left my mind. I started fantasizing, dreaming, and lustful thoughts were always there in my mind.
I tried several ways to stop them, but couldn’t.

And in May 05. After 22 days 20 hours of No Porn, I relapsed.
But how did I relapse? I think I gave up. Yes, I gave up to urges. I felt weak.
They say porn is entertaining? Yes, but only for the first couple of minutes. When the relapse is done, regrets start…

Now, I have 2 fights ahead of me: the first being to know what made me relapse, and the second being to make sure I don’t fall into the so-called Chaser Effect.
Till then, take care. I have fallen, but you shouldn’t.
Keep fighting…

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Chapter 4 is on its way… When I fix my mistakes, regain my power, and reorganize my thoughts…

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PORN IS DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU TRAPPED, THE MORE YOU DO IT THE MORE DEEP YOU BECOME TRAPPED

DON’T GIVE UP AKHI, DON’T FALL INTO CHASER EFFECT, MY DEEP REQUEST TO KEEP YOURSELF HIGH ALERT FOR ATLEAST RAMADAN FINISHES, IT WILL HELP YOU TO GET AWAY FROM CHASER EFFECT, IN SHA ALLAH.

DM ME I WILL TRY TO HELP IN ANYWAY I CAN.

IN FACT IT IS RECOMMENDED TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH ANOTHER NOFAPPER DAILY ATLEAST TILL YOU REACH A CERTAIN NO. OF DAYS.

I AM IN TOUCH WITH ANOTHER BROTHER CURRENTLY, BUT I WILL STILL LEND IN A HAND,
IN SHA ALLAH

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