RELAPSE
Chapter 4: MIXED FEELINGS
Dear Diary,
What am I supposed to tell you? Should I tell you I feel better? Then that would be a lie. I never got better. I still remember the moment I relapsed. It wasn’t worth it at all. I didn’t feel any entertainment. 1 moment of happiness got followed by 100 others of depression, regret and shame.
I have never felt that bad after a relapse.
When I relapsed after my first ever trial of NoFap, after 27 days of happiness, I was destroyed. I was thinking now, what made me relapse that day? I had thoughts. Same exact reason how I relapsed that day. However, previously I used to watch movies, series and spend lots of time on Instagram. Now I deleted Instagram, and stopped watching movies and series, completely.
So what is different? Was it that my hope and energy to continue declined? Impossible, I was the happiest person ever. I was very happy and satisfied. I lived 22 days of my new life. I saw how it would be. Man, whenever a girl passes by me, I get hard. Now, everything different.
Ok, so you’re waiting for me to tell you I feel better? No, I did not lose hope yet. I am strong. I am not the first person to relapse, and won’t be the last. Then, a relapse did teach me something. I need to reorganize my thoughts and see what I did wrong.
And as someone once told me:
There is nothing called a bad relapse if it did teach you something.
I hope, this relapse teaches me something. And I hope I return back stronger. I only live life once, and I shouldn’t waste it on some aimless fantasies that makes my God mad at me.
Dear self,
Allow me to tell you that this here is something to keep for you. Whenever you feel an urge or that you will relapse, read this.
Read what you have written and how you feel.
Read what a relapse made you do.
Read Relapse, and learn from it to not start writing RELAPSE 2.0
I am back, stronger and wiser!
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Keep going brother, kill the lust.
May Allah make it easy for us
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I said I am back. And I am!
Today I finish my 10th day streak! It has been an accomplishment after the disappointment I had on myself because of the last relapseat day 23.
I am now back again, and will take this challenge slighty differently. I will:
- write a diary on a DAILY BASIS This is because this diary can help me stay away from porn…
- workout everyday. I will take this as a challenge and habit. I used to workout daily but stopped. I am back.
- reduce my YouTube usage. I have successfully cut off all social media, and am left with: Whatsapp, which I use for friends, Telegram, which has many useful channels and i use it for university, and YouTube, which is becoming a stronger trigger day by day…
So, as a backup to how my journey has been so far, here is a recap…
Day 1-3 I felt good and full of hope.
Day 4-8 I travelled with my family and spent lots of valuable time…
Day 9-10 I am back, but have lots of study. So I am busy with studying… Finals are on their way and I should work harder…
Hello everyone,
I am very disappointed and ashamed to say this.
Yesterday, I was celebrating my achievement to reach 10 days. But, in the last couple of hours, I do not know what happened to me. I felt very weak. My patience and focus suddenly disappeared.
I RELAPSED
This was not this type of urge that kept around for so long and got stronger by time till I relapsed. I was very in control of myself. I had very weak urges that I was able to get rid of. But I just felt very weak. I unconsciously with no reason chose to relapse…
I never knew a simple Google Ads may get me aroused. This time not social media which always got me, not YouTube which I started slowly reducing my time on, a simple Google Ads. It is very disappointing to say this and it also feels much more disappointing after I broke my streak because of a regular ad on a regular website. What is more disappointing is that the website I used is for my studies…
Since the start of my journey, I rarely made it past the 10 days streak, and here I fall again AT DAY 10…
I am very confused with what happened.
This won’t get me down, and I will start over. There are 2 choices ahead of me; either I will stop, or never stop, and I am not this type of person who would give up that easy and stay surrounded by failure forever.
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Assalamu alaikum brother, don’t fall into chaser effect, my desperate request to you, get up and move, don’t look back on that relapse, on that disappointment which you did not expect, I know that feeling, even I relapsed after 24days for no reason, I mean the urge wasn’t that strong, but I did not make any effort to get rid of the urge, I could have called a friend and he will pick the call, I could have texted, I could have taken a cold shower, I could have atleast gone to toilet and the urge would have gone away as my bladder was full at that time as soon as I got got from sleep,
So right now after relapsing, this is the moment your emaan will be very weak, don’t wait, take ghusl, then pray salat tawbah, then do istighfaar, read Quran, drink lots of water, go out for some time and come back, so to avoid immediate guilty lonely feeling, also tiredness and numbness will be there after relapsing, so do these things.
And get out of this 5 to 10 day streak, we are stuck in chaser affect for months and months, by chance we make a streak of 3 weeks or a day more than that and that’s it, chaser effect follows again…
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Dear brother @slave_of_allah
Thank you for your post. It really gave me hope and made my day.
I really do reflect on what you said, and will be more careful now…
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I will actually take this post as a daily reminder, andwill read it everyday.
I really do thank you for this great post that is full of hope…
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Good luck brother keep going💪
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I may seem I left, but I am back now 
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