A Day in a Fighter's Life (Diary)

RELAPSE
Chapter 4: MIXED FEELINGS

Dear Diary,
What am I supposed to tell you? Should I tell you I feel better? Then that would be a lie. I never got better. I still remember the moment I relapsed. It wasn’t worth it at all. I didn’t feel any entertainment. 1 moment of happiness got followed by 100 others of depression, regret and shame.
I have never felt that bad after a relapse.
When I relapsed after my first ever trial of NoFap, after 27 days of happiness, I was destroyed. I was thinking now, what made me relapse that day? I had thoughts. Same exact reason how I relapsed that day. However, previously I used to watch movies, series and spend lots of time on Instagram. Now I deleted Instagram, and stopped watching movies and series, completely.
So what is different? Was it that my hope and energy to continue declined? Impossible, I was the happiest person ever. I was very happy and satisfied. I lived 22 days of my new life. I saw how it would be. Man, whenever a girl passes by me, I get hard. Now, everything different.

Ok, so you’re waiting for me to tell you I feel better? No, I did not lose hope yet. I am strong. I am not the first person to relapse, and won’t be the last. Then, a relapse did teach me something. I need to reorganize my thoughts and see what I did wrong.
And as someone once told me:

There is nothing called a bad relapse if it did teach you something.

I hope, this relapse teaches me something. And I hope I return back stronger. I only live life once, and I shouldn’t waste it on some aimless fantasies that makes my God mad at me.

Dear self,
Allow me to tell you that this here is something to keep for you. Whenever you feel an urge or that you will relapse, read this.
Read what you have written and how you feel.
Read what a relapse made you do.
Read Relapse, and learn from it to not start writing RELAPSE 2.0