I relapsed again. 3 days clean. Haven’t had ■■■■ related smexy thoughts. Also, my desire toeards real women has increased. It’s normal’ since I have stored seed in my bawls and seminal vesicles, waiting to be released.
Also, I got 1 morning wood since the last relapse.
Also, the less I view this as an addiction, but as a badly developped habit, my view about it has become more positive and the ■■■■ related smexy thoughts drastically decreased in intensity and frequency.
Nice man, you are now claiming your power of free will. You have the choice to decide your action. Just acknowledge you used to PMO to find joy, but now you can attain greater happiness without it. Then you choose to live your brand new life and become a better you
I deleted the app again and I’m not going to download it again and use it. I realised that the less I use the app and this forum, the better my progress is. I even don’t know whether I reset my counter the last time I relapsed, so what the app shows for my streak is probably false.
2 days clean. I like how my progress is going. I had an urge, that I successfuly killed without negative repacation. And it all happened by itself, automatically
I felt a “snap” in my head. It was during an urge. I was in my bed and had a massive ■■■■ thoughts. Then the “snap” happened and they all disappeared. Now I know ■■■■ won’t be a problem anymore.
Also, a lot of things started having different meanings in my head. My outlook, a.k.a. my mentality, changed.
It was all a lie. A lie that had been shoved upon me or a misunderstanding.
I have changed. Or at least I have started changing. For the better.
I know I’m not done with this filthy addiction. But I know a huge battle was won. A very huge battle. A war-changing battle. Like the battle of Kursk or Stalingrad.
The only thing left is to end the war. And my enemy is crippled and crushed.
The war is still ongoing, but more and more battles are getting won by my army. I’m officially in the flatline. I feel sexually and emotionally numb. Nothing brings me joy. But it will go away. Time is all I need. And time I shall let go through me.
I don’t think I have reached 10 days yet, but something tells me I’m going in the right way.
Urges come from time to time, but I smash them like fleas.
The more mature I get, the more I realise that to be happy and successful is not to try to be happy and successful. The latter two are only a product of something else.
I knew it a long time ago, but I just now grasped the concept.
Another thing I realised is that I have been feeling guilty for some seriously stupid shit. Like marks in school. Or for not being naturally athletic. I’m not very much into sports. But when you grow up in a competitive environment, you believe you are worthy of nothing.
It’s like being a chinchilla, raised by horses. A chinchilla is a chinchilla. Not a horse.
Letting the old shit go will give space for my true self. So far I have been living a lie. I feel like I have never been myself. Like someone else is living in my skin. And now I’m expelling him.
Change sometimes comes from an unexpected angles.
What if nofap is not an inside struggle and a constant hardship or something that has to be endured? I think nofap, if accepted with love, is an access to something amazing. I don’t know what yet. But I know it will be amazing.
I had a massive urge that I smashed like a puny insect. In previous circumstances I would have relapsed, but I didn’t.
Also, it has been 2 days since I started eating healthily and I feel more energetic than usual. Maybe it’s a temporary boost like the beginning of a nofap journey, but it’s still amazing.
I still have a lot of path to cover, but step by step I’m going there. One day at a time.
I’m currently undergoing a huge urge. I’m lying on my bed and reading this forum. I’m not going to succumb, but I feel weird. Also, I had several spontaneous erections today, and I’m not planning on deleting this amazing progress.
This means I’m on the right path.
I’m not using the app anymore, but my streak in the server is accurate. If you want to follow me, my SC is 9q46nf
I was away on a holiday. My morning woods are getting more and more frequent. I had three consecutive morning woods for the last 3 days. My sexual drive is getting better.
Also, my dreams are getting more and more frequent. And more weird, but in a good way. For the last several days, I dreamt everytime I fell asleep. Even if it was for 30 minutes.
I had a lot of ups and downs. But now I’m back on tracks. My counter is incorrect, because I uninstalled the app and haven’t updated it in maybe a month or so.
But I feel way better this way, because counting days has become too toxic for me. I have no idea when my last streak started and how long is it. What I know is that I’m stable now and have no desire to PMO. Urges come from time to time, but they go as well.
I touch my weewee less and I feel more energetic than usual. With time more positives will come.
Also, I will be checking less and less frequently from now on. The less I give this addiction attention, the better. That’s it. Until next time, folks.
I’m writing this to keep the topic not locked by the app bot. It was an emotional rollercoaster since the last time I checked here. I have been having massive, almost non-stop urges for the last several days. It’s so easy to relapse.
However, I didn’t succumb and I feel more energetic and spontaneous. THe more I abstain, the more alive and self-confident I feel the next day. But the urges attack me almost every time from every angle and just not PMOing is hard.
It’s like my whole body wants to do something and I mobilize all my willpower to repress it. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. And the battle is constant. I hope it will end in a month or so.
In other, kind of related but not exactly topic - I think this is how a mentally ill person feels like. You have a gargantuan desire building up inside you to do something - let’s say shout or hit someone or do something illegal. This is how I feel. I’m not psychically ill, but the comparison is almost accurate.
Once I heard in a podcast that the only way to beat an addiction is to stop it suddenly and you count yourself as clean from the moment you do so. Not reducing the dose with time. Not planning when to succumb and when to refrain. Stopping immediately and never giving in to it. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. At least in my book.
I have edged many times with the idea that I this is just one time and I will stop and then never giving in again - just one last time for the good old days. ANd guess what - I failed every single time. ThInking about p might lead to edging. And edging will lead to PMO. Triggers are everywhere. And I am being cautous right now.
I’ve been there.
Abstaining means resisting and prolonging the inevitable. As long as you keep thinking about your addiction or miss it or view it as a need in any single way or degree, no matter how small, you will fail at some point cause in the end, you’re giving it unnecessary attention. And everything that has your attention, has the power over you.
Sounds harsh but that is the truth. There comes a time in life when you must let go of something. You are changing who you are and abandoning who you used to be. There can’t be a turning point you must always look forward cause the moment you turn your head could be when a speeding truck hits you. Forgetting this addiction is not easy, but it is simple; you need to practice believing that you do not need it anymore.
I drank coffee late(19:00) and I couldn’t sleep. I fell asleep at around 06:00 and had not more than 4 hours of quality sleep. It’s good that today is not a workday, so I can refresh in my bed.
Note to self: never drink coffee later than 14:00. Or maybe 15:00.
In other news - due to me not being able to sleep, I introspected a lot and came to a very big conclusion. With time I have developped a conviction that I am a bad person and everything I do is stupid. And this has lead me to unfold all my behavioural problems.
It’s as simple as it was hard to grasp.
I am a bad person and everything I do is stupid. So:
because I’m stupid, I need constant approval from people in order to make sure that what I do is not stupid
I need to be monitored constantly in order not to do something stupid
I have low self-esteem because what I do is stupid and I am a bad person and if I do something, it will be bad
I have developped an abnormally huge sense of guilt because what I do is stupid and If I do something, I will hurt the people around me
I don’t deserve happiness because I’m a bad person
Because what I do is stupid, I can’t and I will never grow mature and do things on my own, because I will hurt myself and other people around me
I better not try to do anything, because the result will be catastrophic and people will hate me forever
people hate me by default because they think I am a bad person who does stupid things
If someone shouts at me or starts acting strange, it’s because he/she sensed my badness and stupidity
everything is hard and unbearable, because I am a bad person
I can’t learn new things because I’m a bad person
I can not get emotionally and physically close to a female, because I am a bad person who does stupid things —> PMO addiction
and so on…
Now I’m working on changing this core belief and the rules and logical fallacies to which it leads to.
With enough effort and constance, I can achieve a lot.
Hey Alexander, glad to see you here and fighting. This is true that none of us really start this habit deliberately, its often a coping mechanism to escape something in life. But I’m glad you are fighting against it and are winning. Keep going man. You’ve got this.
It’s always dark when I sleep.
