[33M] My name is Alexander and I am strong

Hello.

My name is Alexander, I’m from Bulgaria. I started abusing ■■■■ when I was 12. I was 5th grade student back then. I was raised in a relatively normal family, but toxicity existed in my home and social environment.

About a week ago I found a bulgarian podcast about drug, alcohol and gambling addictions and I realised that I have a problem and I want to do something about it.

From time to time I will post my thoughts and experiences here.

I reset my counter to 00:00 of 24.02.2024.

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New start, Alexander. Keep going brother.

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Welcome to the forum. I’m 33. It’s glad that us 30 yr old guys aren’t alone on this thing. I discovered ■■■■ at a similar age. Basically a backpack fill of magazines hidden in the woods. Online ■■■■ just made things worse and when I discovered it I just looked at it every chance I got.

My reasons for quitting were initially for the benefits but I just mainly want to do it so I can be free from the addiction and it’s negative consequences

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Well be here for you, Alexander. Welcome to the forum and wish you best luck in getting rid of this addiction. We’re in this together :muscle:

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Welcome back, warrior. Show us what you’ve got!

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Thank you for your support. Peace and love.

:index_pointing_at_the_viewer: :+1:

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28.02.2024

I relapsed once since the last post. 3 days have gone thus far.

I’m a guy who thinks a lot. I’m in an inner monologue almost all the time. And If I’m not, I’m in a some kind of inner movie experience. I took a deep dive in my subconscious and found some cause-effect connections in my life. I figured out that I have developed some non-realistic beliefs that were more of an obstacle instead of trampoline.

At least I figured this out. And my ■■■■ abuse was due to this.

Nobody is born perfect. And nobody does what he/she does on purpose. I have a long way to go still. But it’s not that scary now.

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@basanaruga you are blessed and you can do it all.

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16.03.2024

I relapsed many times since my last post. I won’t rationalize anything. All I want is to heal my sexual drive. The older I get, the harder it becomes. So let’s start again. I’m not even checking my progress. Next time I will write here, will be when I reach 3 days.

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@basanaruga that I remember would not underestimate himself, he would surpass his expectations cause he knows that he’s capable of so much more. You have no idea how you influenced me for the past 1.5 years in this forum. You and @Raistlin and @ncubeanelem were legends infront of my eyes. And you still are.

So awaken the monster inside of you!

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Thank you, man! Even legends fall and they need some moral support from time to time. You’re a natural leader. And a badass mofo.

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Thanks man, I lost my way for a couple of days, but that’s pushing me to make the rest of my life a thousand times greater than before.

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This gradual ascension is too powerful :fire:

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I appreciate the support. A firm day 1 today :pray:t5:

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I relapsed yesterday after 5 days. I accidentally found a post on Instagram of some dude who speaks about ■■■■ addiction and how it is similar to heroin addiction. If I find it again, I’ll share it here. This is what I needed to motivate me to be more disciplined about my journey. This time it will be different.

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3 days clean again. As per always, I figured out I came to be like this. It doesn’t mean I will not relapse anymore, however, my desire to fap is not big now. ■■■■ addiction per se is not the true problem. It’s only the tip of a huge psychological iceberg.

And now I see the whole iceberg.

I can’t explain it. I don’t have the education and the terminological dictionary. But, god damn, I see it now. Clearly.

Gigachad incoming…

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Could you explain how you think your mentality is changing? Would be good for others to reflect on.

I think losing interest and desire to M and O is a good prognostic factor in quitting this addiction, I’m on my biggest streak currently and I feel the same. It’s like something just clicks inside of you and you just start to think, “why did I ever think that was so great?”

I used to find excuses to fap or edge. Now I understand my ■■■■ addiction is a symptom of an inner psychological issue. I had never had the idea that I have been unconsciously looking for other people’s approval, for example. And now I know exactly how I came to be like this and what went in my head back then and how it continued to do so.

Seing this mechanism and understanding it, now I can change it by overriding with another, healthier behaviour.

When I was in elementary school, I used to write my homeworks and study some of my lessons with my mother. She never let me go until everything was done perfectly to the last detail. Sometimes she even forced me to do extra tasks just to train. Repeating this process again and again neurotised me a lot and I developped a fear that if I don’t do something right, the way it should be done, I will fail miserably in my life and a chain of very bad things will follow. And since I am a highly emotional person, my emotions can become intense very easily.

This thing started when I was maybe 4 - 5 years old and after years of practicing it, it became a habbit. My ■■■■ addiction is a symptom of this pattern - a coping mechanism to repress my intense fear of failure and abandonment.

Now understanding this, I’m aware of its presence and I see that I’m changing bit by bit.

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Great that you have found your wounded inner child. I have this wounded inner child too, my parents were strict about my study, and I cannot play, watch TV or meet friends before exams. So PMO easily became my source of joy. But now I know it’s actually a devil tempting my wounded child. And the situation is no longer the same nowadays, no more pressure on study, and now I can have different kinds of joy like going jogging, visiting places, being with friends, etc. So we should tell our inner child that there are lots of joy out there waiting for him, say goodbye to PMO and he can enjoy real freedom and real happiness :slightly_smiling_face:

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26.4.2024

I deleted the app from my phone and downloaded it again and reset my streak. I don’t know how long my current real streak is, but at least a week more than the real number. I have a good feeling about my current journey. I’ll try to check the app and this forum as rarely as possible. Having this break of about a week from it had a huge positive impact on me.

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