(20 M) Confession and new (and last) Diary

Hello there

My name is Jonas, 20 y.o.
Inspired by @drago 's first post I want to start with a confession. What I’ve done (I don’t want to say what porn made me do). (Warning, might be triggering)
I started M very early, with 9 y.o. imagining friends touching and kissing themselves. I did not know about fapping or even what it is…
With 11 a friend told me about P. With 12 I used the phone of my parents to search words like “naked girls” etc on google image. I got caught and felt very guilty.
When I got my own phone I’d start watching porn on the regular, each day (in the evening).
I don’t remember those years and how it progressed, but I watched ecchi animes which eventually got me attracted to young looking girls.
With 17 - don’t ask me why - I started Pick Up, talking to women in the public. There were very positive and a few neutral reactions. But I got my first and only gf through it. I loved her, but I mostly wanted to have sex with her. She didn’t - I ended fapping next to her. Another time I would just rub her against me to come. You could see the stain on my trousers and there even was some on hers. I was ashamed and we never talked about it. Some weeks later she would end the relationship with me.
A few years later (19) I lost my virginity with a prostitute. This experience was very surreal and felt very uncomfortable. I’d watch porn later that day.
Also around that time I got addicted to creepshots, where people record women and girls in public. I was always attracted to womens shapes and clothes…
Also I am watching P with phedophile tendencies: anime girls, tik tok shit, creepshots, insta :frowning:

I’m very negative about life, having an very pessimistic philosophy. I only have a few friends, I don’t know how many I’d have if they really knew me…
I’m doing nothing since two years now, I wasn’t able to keep a job longer than a month and I quit university.
I don’t believe in myself and I don’t believe I can accomplish the things I really want to. I want to be vegan since many years now and I don’t do it cause I’m lazy. I’m basically putting my laziness and comfort over my morals. Same with Porn: I fap to fantasies of my sisters friends and of other guys fucking my sister. I know I should stop but I’m to lazy. I tell myself I can’t. I blame nature. I see myself as an monkey.
I keep contemplating suicide every day, it seems a very comfortable option. I don’t want to work and I don’t know what I want to do. I have many ideas but I seldom push through to do them. I’m proud of my body, do many workouts, am vegetarian, very sportive. But everybody could easily accomplish all that given the privileges I have (e.g. having parents that are wealthy enough to support my existential crisis).

Good to have it out there. Judge the hell out of me whilst seeing my streak growing.
Or maybe I’m going to relapse and live a life as a homeless pervert, but I think I’d not let that happen.
From today on: No Porn, No Fapping, No staring at girls, No Edging, No watching of sexual material, No risky behavior (such as watching NSFW content on reddit.

CODE: 0padb9

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Hey man, that’s very brave of you to share with us. You’re at the right place. I’m a mess my self, but we will get through this together. I’m here for you if you need to talk or anything, no judgment at all, u probably saw my diary, and thats a part of the story, I’m no better that you.

Keep going forward, keep progressing in life. the best way to over come this, is to keep your self busy, chase good stuff ,chase a dream.
and don’t face things alone, ask for help, communicate with people, you’re not alone.

Good luck, I’m happy for you :slight_smile:

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Thanks man for posting here your story. Initially when I had shared my story here, people started to call me ‘creepy’ and trust me reading your story,I think I am way much more less creepy by definition…

What kind of guy who you were who loved imaging about your sister getting f**ked by other guys !?
What kind of man would rup his gf for ejaculations !! Man, first try to change your view of love and gf.

You need to go to long way. If you don’t change yourself,I’m sure one day you’ll be caught in public for sexual harrasment,and you will be doomed at that day. Don’t ever think of recording video of woman and girls in public places without theirs consent. You know if she complains,you would be behind the bars!!
Would you love someone to record your mom and sister in public??
Same goes for everyone

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Hi, I’ve had read your story (NOT PMO addict but much more than it 🥺 to - #2 by The_wild_perception) and I was very thankful to read it. I too am objectifying girls and watching after them.

I don’t want to debate who of us is more of a creep, but I just want to tell you that you misinterpreted some things: I’ve never ever loved imaging about my sister. I imagined fcking a friend of hers whilst she got fcked by someone else. I know that doesn’t make things better at all.

Recording people in public is legal and I did it once. I immediately deleted the clip afterwards and was so fucking ashamed of myself.

I’m very apathetic. I wouldn’t bother to much I think. If someone would do it to me I wouldn’t give a shit. Most of these videos are not worse than what girls post themselves on social media…

Thanks for your honesty though. I really need harsh words/judgement so I can make the shift!

Ever since I got roasted here,i had quit my habit. I’m on 33 days nofap streak…

If you can control,u can too

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And you are gonna be free from it

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Il just give you one advice - Start with basics @Anon4Lulz

  • Practice nofap strictly. Don’t aim for 30, 60, 100 days. 24 hours at a time are enough
  • You have 100s of problems. But solve one at a time. For starters quit watching porn. Its the fuel to the sexual energy. Do these two things first or I wish you good luck cuz you are gonna fuck it otherwise
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Thanks for your optimism and help :slight_smile:

Day 1 :slight_smile:
Thanks for all the help.
Thx @The_wild_perception , I’m going to make 24 hours a time. I’ll start to meditate each day, remind myself that being mindful feels way better than PM and then choose to NoFap the whole day :slight_smile:

@Roads_to_purity , thx for calling me a creep. I am, I guess so. Reality hits hard…
Another thing I didn’t write about, but I’ve to get rid of it, I’ve to put it out there!:
I’m always getting a fucking boner. Like always!
My cat sits on my lap and purrs - I get a boner.
A female friend of my sister is there - I get a boner (Even though my whole family may be there!)
I’m in the car and have to pee - I get a boner.
I see any mildly attractive girl - boner.
Rape in some movie - boner.
Anime girl - boner.
U got the message. I’m happy theres no way too embarassing story where I got a boner.

The thing is, NoFap makes this problem worse. But I have to rewire. It’ll take years for me. But I have to:

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I think you’re on the right parh to be someone better. You recognize your problems and want to make it different. That’s great! So now it’s time to re-educate your mind, step by step, make it busy with good stuff, start something new like volunteer work, artistic activity, play sports.

By the way, when we truly help someone, we forget about our fears and extract the very best of us. I think we practice this here. But why not do something good to people near us?

Have a nice day! :slight_smile:

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Only that you know I’m not only about being creepy, I’ll tell you about my goals. Goals that are quite meaningful for me, even though I am very aware of them being completely meaningless :slight_smile:

  1. Piano. I want to learn to play the piano. It’s a sick instrument! I’m learning it now since a month or so, here is my current status: https://www.mboxdrive.com/swan%20lake_1.mp3 (Swan Lake played at the funeral of PMO!)
  2. Sport. I want to be a Ninja Warrior next year (in switzerland). I think it’s all about grip strength. I’ll train it religously now!

Other goals are, signing up for university, not getting fired at my new job, reading, etc.

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Well played @Anon4Lulz. Beautiful :slight_smile:

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U have your goals. Now just work for it tirelessly

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Thanks :slight_smile:
You play the piano too?

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I’m learning as well, playing already some stuff that I really like. It’s so cool! :slightly_smiling_face:

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Amazing! I bought a midi-piano and if my midi 2 usb cable arrives I’m going to spend those countless hours in the evening (in which I cannot sleep because I want to pmo) practicing!
I’m going to be a Pro in no time :wink: :stuck_out_tongue:

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GL man, Great goals :slight_smile:
Well played , keep going

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Yesterday I was breakdancing. I’m able to do this for free in a room provided by a local church. The session was quite boring, I was alone, nothing progressed and I did more breaks than practice. After an hour I finished got all my stuff and left. I wanted to give back the keys but nobody was at home. So I went into the church, to search the women I got the keys from in there. I just love churches, all of them are so peaceful and I immediately feel a presence of a calming spirit. This church was very minimalistic, everything in white and some candles were spending a warm light. Gratefulness rushed through me. Intense gratefulness.
Then I noticed her, an old lady (not the one I searched for), standing at the window looking outside. I greeted. She noticed me, smiled warmly and began talking about this event she organized each day during the lockdown: Each evening they would pray for half an hour, sing songs. She asked me if I want to pray too and I sayed maybe next time.
She continued talking about how beautiful this church is and I agreed and thought “does she want to fuck me?”. I was bumfuzzled by my own thought and continued thinking “do my thoughts make sense at all?!”. She talked about another church which at some specific day has the sun shining right through it and a person appears (as shadow). I felt immensely peaceful, I loved the passionate way she was talking about those churches, how alive she was. This gratitude I experiencend, mixed with a sadness. The sadness that I’ll never be that passionate about anything ever again. Why?, u may ask yourself. I might be able to tell you about proteinshakes, help you with calisthenics exercises, talk about the app I developed - but lastly I have nothing to do in this world anymore. I’m done.
There is no progress anymore at this place where I am. There is no real moving forward (or even backwards). I have destroyed all my believes all my faith.
Living just seems like watching a movie. A movie which doesn’t quite make sense and is kinda boring. The question seems to be valid: Why would you want to watch a movie like that?
Maybe as some weird form of entertainement, but really, for that long?
I did not think all this stuff in this moment - and it wasn’t even the moment I had realized it. It was just one of this moments where I was so blissfully happy that I would not have minded to die right there and now.
I promised her to visit one of her tours of this church she was speaking about - sincerely being moved by her burning passion for that simple house of bricks some stupid people made for a non-existent god - and stumbled outside. I just layed the keys infront of the door and went home.
What the hell is this life about…?

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Hey man,
So why are we watching this movie, because we believe the glory day will yet come, because we hope/believe that one day we will understand our place in life, what to do, how to do

Maybe one day u will still be asking the same question, but then look back and see everything u did along the way, and realize how great little things can be , how great was your journey

I feel similar things, like i did alot alot alot at pretty early age, until one day came, I said now what? Why am i here and else… does anything even worth it?

I’m Christian , and i do believe in god. i respect you no matter what is your beliefe, however there’s a say in the bible something like jessus telling the people , (your first (greatest) is your last (you servant) ), i like y to hear.

My main approach until i find my purpose and why im living and what to do, is just live , help where ever u can, help people , serve them, so they get better, so u be a light in their life, and u do have light inside of you. Just be great

My english sucks, sorry :stuck_out_tongue:

I wish u always feel that warmth , that peace, GL

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Last diary… haha.
I relapsed. I relapsed without any second thoughts. I just did it. I didn’t even feel ashamed of it :confused:
I’ll have to try another way. I’m not in the position were NoFap would be healthy for me - it only leads to more compulsivity, to even more perverted perversions…
I’m not sure what I should do :frowning: