Day 14
I had a nice relaxing morning even though I woke up late around 11 a.m. because I was searching about Yosemite park and also mysteries lol. Anyways, super natural phenomenon out of the way. I liked the feeling being outside my backyard, I saw many bees outside today and at first I felt intimidated and scared about it since I was next to the bees next to the bushes and flowers. However, I felt a sense of calm and I had a saying in my mind that I remember ,âdonât think too much about yourself but think also how animals are feeling around youâ, and âif you donât harm them then they donât harm youâ and âbees are part of existence, your energy reveals who you are to them.â I also thought about this being true with humans since now that I took my mask off, it makes sense. People are like bees, they are curious to know your energy and they even talk negative behind you at times but minding your own energy rather than minding how others perceive you is what causes all problems. How you see yourself is what really matters.
Things to do today:
Workout
Finish class assignments
Meditation
Make a video about experience
Things I did:
Day 14
I worked out really good today. Ran 3 miles on the tread mill, 100 pushups, 100 curls each arm. 1 hour workout length.
2024 Personal counter: copy and paste
(March month)
Weekly meditation practices streak( atleast once per week or mid-day everyday)
Week 1 - 1
Week 2 - 1
Week 3 - 1
Week 4 -
Week 5 -
No PMO hard mode: day 14
KORN free video content: 30 day
Free from temptations of lust in media(images, videos on YouTube,etc.) that leads to relapse without korn:
day 14
Goal: good sleep schedule and manage media use
Screen time on phone daily goal: 0<2hrs, average of 125 minutes max using âstay freeâ stat app.
4.Must stay within range***
Per week or month counter phone use:
Week: I used more time on my phone And laptop than average, mostly searching for ways to improve face and teeth brushing. But I am going to be more aware of my actions.
Month of March total -
Number of relapses in year total: 7 Progress**
((Try to keep korn free always no matter what and masturbating ))
2024 Personal counter: copy and paste
(March month)
Weekly meditation practices streak( atleast once per week or mid-day everyday)
Week 1 - 1
Week 2 - 1
Week 3 - 1
Week 4 - 1
Week 5 -
No PMO hard mode: day 21
KORN free video content: 37 day
Free from temptations of lust in media(images, videos on YouTube,etc.) that leads to relapse without korn:
day 21
Goal: good sleep schedule and manage media use
Screen time on phone daily goal: 0<2hrs, average of 125 minutes max using âstay freeâ stat app.
4.Must stay within range***
Per week or month counter phone use:
Week: I used my phone here and there but not all day. I was busy with some search on different skills to gain like digital art or coding and also part was doing assignments and reading.
Month of March total -
Number of relapses in year total: 7
5.Progress***
((Try to keep korn free always no matter what and masturbating ))
Other days:
Day 18
I had powerful sexual urges today this morning and I had this feeling almost the whole day. After work I felt like dancing after hearing Santana on my radio. I felt more alive just dancing, it was as if I just had an urge to move if it wasnât sex or masturbation, I had an urge to feel relaxed by good music. I danced to Santanas music and I gotta say, I got lost in his music. His music is amazing, you basically donât need drugs when it comes to him lol.
Story time:
Also a strange kind of guy who was a customer in my store while I was working as a cashier who seemed nervous was in my target store today, just felt like talking about it because I thought I was the only one who suffered from social anxiety of some type. He couldnât seen to maintain himself and checkout with his card. I helped him insert his card, he didnât say anything which was strange. I felt weird but I composed myself that way he doesnât feel more awkward. I was kind to him. Who knows how others trwat him. Anyways, i also have a story of an encounter with a woman customer as well I wanted to talk about. I said âdo you have any plans today?â Just to have small talk since I havenât asked a woman that question who is around my age lately. Mostly older woman I ask because I feel like they are easier to talk with, some get the wrong idea. So I thought I should ask the woman who is young as well and just go for it. She answered:ânot tonightâ in a very sensual way. Playful way or flirtatious way. I didnât mean it in that way, I was just trying to ask what she will do tonight. I guess the way it came out sounded like I was being playful with my words as well I guess. It just came out naturally actually, I just felt like saying it. But she didnât seem offended, if anything I will see if I can ask more woman that question that way I have some small talks more.
Day 19
I had sexual urges still but I learned to accept it and not go against it but rather donât act upon it. When one doesnât act upon it, it becomes a blessing for him and his energy that would have went into lust would have went into creativity. I was just being proactive today with self improvement in my school and focus.
Day 21
I had a nice workout session today. I did some good cardio for 39 minutes. It felt good. Played some fist of the North star mix. I did some 100 pushups and 100 curls each arm. I felt the inner energy inside. I can see it growing within. I was able to do more pushups in a single rep than before. When I punch the boxing bag I can also feel the punch become more ferocious. It was the same punch I did before a few days ago that made my knuckles bleed a bit, I somehow managed to throw the same ferocious punch at the bag, I can feel the impact. It actually felt great. I managed to wake up somewhat earlier than usual around 9 :30 a.m. today is my little sisters birthday and we are having guests over today. So yeah it wonât be a bad day. I will try to compose myself in terms of my social anxiety.
I relapsed 1 day ago no korn. I did it once I got tempted because it was strong the urges but also, we had a party for my younger sister that day and I drank beer. I guess I got really riled up that day. I did the act the next morning, in the morning. But I didnât watch Korn. I just relapsed to sexual images created from my mind. I also slept a little late. I also had some doubts about my social skills while in the party when I went to my bed. I was already thinking negative about the way I socialize. That also was how I relapsed most likely as well to distract me from my pathway and cause me to doubt. Instead of learning from the experience of social situation. I relapsed a few days after that as well without Korn. It felt like the same rush you get after watching â â â â except it was my own imagination coming up with females Iâve encountered or seen in real life or just created from my mind or past â â â â scenes remembered from long time ago. I noticed when your tired, one is more prone to relapse because the body is energetic for lust but the mind is indeed tired. Both body and mind have different decisions of their own. Mentally and physically exhausted means you should rest. Not watch TV or do anything for a while, just relax and relax and take a break. Resting isnât just sleeping, it could be just lying down, go to a trip outdoors in relaxing spot or something else. Taking a break from things that are exhausting you is how you prevent relapse. Now I know this. I heard this from a YouTuber from Dry Creek Wrangler School. The body craves for lust while the mind craves for more wisdom. Itâs a contradict really, but ironically we need the lust in this body to produce a good thing and the mind for wisdom.
Day 1
I was feeling pretty sick both yesterday and today. It turns out my sister and her kids are sick as well. I ended up drinking good ginger tea, getting rest and missing some work for that reason. I watched some anime but just balanced it. I also made a delicious soup for this kind of sickness that is the cold. I will rest well now and get better spiritually. I see myself improving, Iâve had a good journey up to this point from where I started all depressed and masochistic but now itâs as if I am slowly seeing a new me. Even the thought of korn is disgusting and well woman is also something I am slowly changing my perspective on. âComing from a long journey, donât give up yet.â
What I did:
Things to do next time:
*Donât doubt social skills but rather think of even if you arenât good at socializing now it doesnât mean that you canât improve or that you arenât a good person or human. We all have something to give and create in this world. Just be confident even if you donât got it all right. This is the law of keep moving forward and fall forward. Mistakes is okay. The more the merrier because we keep getting better. Your a testament to that.
Day 14
I had a few urges a few days ago but what kept me going was my plans and the end goal and the experience I will have once I focus on my plans for my life. I managed to finish all my statistics class assignment yesterday night Wednesday both the quiz and project.! I just focused on it by avoiding distractions, I even didnât put some music on at times that way I can really get it done and also have some free time for myself to maybe go out more in the weekend. Today Thursday I managed to finish the rest of my jazz class that I continued yesterday night as well for the week, in addition, last night I also prepared myself for my English-01A class I just registered for so that I can be ready for next semester. So now I am free.!
I also mowed the lawn from backyard and front Yard this morning, organized my bike section a little, did a good 1 hour exercise, and now I will rest a while before I head to work today for my part time job. Letâs see what the next day brings.!
Day 23
My dream this morning:
I had 3 dreams today actually that seemed to change lol. One was with a nice little dog i liked to pet and had some nice people I was talking to. But that quickly changed to another dream where I talked to a friend of mine who wanted to figure out how to get close to this girl so I helped him out to some degree. We went to the theatre where her friends were to get the chance to talk to her and he went to the seat behind herâs to start a conversation. I was sitting next to my dad which I didnât realize how that happened haha. I was thinking about how I donât know really what to say to my dad other than howâs it going etc⌠since I am mostly an introvert or if itâs obvious I would talk about something about it. Then that dream changed to a lust type of dream where somehow I was with this woman who wanted to make out and didnât want to do it in the car. So we kissed around this public fence and then some group took up to some place and told us that there is a building where we can do all kinds of erotic stuff and it quickly turned sexual with some other guy banging this chick while I am on top of my own girl lol. So yeah itâs a rollercoaster of dreams and I had a short wet dream with that one. I didnât spill lots of seed but some did come out. I think itâs because I am hitting the 20s days of no PMO so I am probably going to expect more of this for some time I believe.
How I feel so far in the journey:
I feel I have more drive and ability to do stuff and honestly I feel more alive but no PMO only gives you the ability it doesnât give you the other requirements you need. Like I still need to fix my social anxiety but in terms of communication I am becoming a little better if you ask me and with brain fog? Well I donât have much of that either although I need to improve my memory skills because my memory seems to be slow sometimes which could be due to overthinking things or thinking too much about the anxiety or lack of going to sleep at nigh with phone. So see? No pmo can only get your foundations going but after that you must fix yourself.
Why communication better?
I am able to stare at people in the eye when I am cashiering and yesterday when I worked I asked some customers how is their day or what are their plans and just asked questions more frequently to have small talk. I found out doing that made me enjoy my job better and learned that people donât normally start a conversation with you but you must start it whenever you go somewhere. Atleast based on my experience.
What to do next?
1.I must practice sleeping well and not using phone at night so that my sleep rhythm becomes better. Blue light at night isnât good.
2. Practice meditation so that you calm your anxiety and only think of what you must do for yourself
My past is not me, itâs only an instrument for the me that is now. I fear not. Only that which I donât do now for the present me. For time waits for nobody. Fears come and go, but not time.
Thatâs true bro, I would say no PMO is an entry ticket for all kinds of success. Youâll have much less anxiety, much more confidence and much clearer mind equipped, ready to conquer everything!
Day 30
I had sexual urges today. Even yesterday night. I will workout today.
Day 28
I had a little bit of seed spill while cashiering because I saw this cute girl who seemed kind of shy but she was good looking, slender and all. I complimented her saying her hair looks nice. She said: thanks. She had trouble with the card reader 2 times but I helped her but it looked like she wanted me to do that. I guess she seemed flustered or something.
I relapsed yesterday day 33.
I slept late a good number of days and was thinking too much about the future. When I should be thinking of the now. Stop thinking of the future but think of the present time. I also watched my shows late at night and I watch shows mostly every week without a routine basis. I am also constantly in technology either with phone or laptop. Laptop makes sense since I am doing my homework but I need a time to relax from technology stuff.Those activities might have triggered a relapse. I didnât watch Korn but I masturbated 2 days in a row and also had urges to watch Korn again, like a sudden rush came over me but i didnt bring myself to watch that garbage. It was like a demon in my head wanting me to watch the filth but I didnât. But I did masturbate due to the intensity of the experience. I felt this energy of lust just firing me up before I relapsed, I could handle it and was doing many tasks. My body thinks because all this energy is gathered that I need to let out. I shouldnât be stationary just in my room always. If I am tired I should sleep.
What I must do from this experience:
Have a set schedule when to watch TV(routine every once a week on Saturday only)(no more than 2 hours)
Sleep good and on time 11:30 p.m.
If you feel tired rest, maybe you donât feel tired but your body doesnât think so especially if you are foggy minded or your mind feels slow or hard to think or has low energy
Have time to relax and enjoy the existence, try to ride bike more or take a car ride somewhere or exercise outside
Instead of enjoying yourself with technology stuff, try to enjoy reading or drawing or other activities that can fuel your life force
If you have urges it just means you need enjoyment and to destress yourself. Try dancing, exercise, listening to good music, or taking a nice good ride somewhere you like. So many ways to destress without masturbation
Understand mental energy is different from body energy. If you are mentally exhausted then rest your mind, if your body is exhausted rest your body. What the body feels however isnât always reliable. Mind can go beyond the Bodies feelings. Always remember this! You are not what you are feeling in the body, itâs only a moment not something that you are, itâs fleeting just like emotions come and go, so do urges even if itâs intense. At that point you must find a way to relax not to suppress it, it will only make it worse. Accept it and just relax the mind and body, but mostly the mind.
Accept what you are in this existence. Take care of yourself, groom yourself and also donât cut off all your moustache. Just enough but not all.
Look casual donât overdo your looks. It might create perfectionism in you. And cause to overthink and cause low self esteem
Finally, donât give a damn about what others say about you. Donât what you want to do. Your a free man. What peoples opinions say is just ever changing. Not reliable. Trust yourself more than others feel about you.
Yeah it truly is. I am trying to get myself out of technology as well so that I donât rely on it as much and learn to live more in reality. Since technology is taking over almost our daily lives. Just a balance is necessary. Howâs your journey so far?
Day 0 today
I will eat well and workout to begin my day and work on some math stuff. I will rest a bit as well. Also I will take apart my TV so that I donât have the urge to watch it at night and get TV addiction again. If anything I will watch content on my laptop while I am doing errands and homework. I feel like TV is way more addicting than compared to just watching content in the laptop based on my experience. So yeah I know I said I will balance TV time but I know myself, I will continue to binge watch shows and sleep late. So I will cut the damn thing out of my life for a good while .
I think technology is like a powerful beast, if you can control it can be very beneficial to you, but if not then youâll probably be controlled by it.
I adopt the freedom model so I donât care about streak now. Around 2 months without P and 2 weeks without M. But PMO is no longer attractive to me anymore. I cannot wait to see the best version of myself!
