Day 7
Today I woke up a little late at 9:40 a.m. I drank beet root juice and did a nice 1 hour and 10 min. Intense workout today. Felt pumped today to exercise and needed it. At one point in the exercise I can see the fire inside my soul that carries aggression. The angry soul that hates my loser self and trying to run away from him. I can feel that part of me that was confident but also darkly aggressive and wanting to kill and had blood lust. The feeling Iâve contained for so many years because of â â â â and itâs demise on me had been free to feed on my expression of manliness within the workout. I felt great but questioned whether this was a good state to be in since in that state I might seem intimidating to some but somewhere in my spirit I had some voice tell me " itâs okay. Let it all out. All the emotions let it out. Even aggression. It doesnât matter anymore. Be a monster but turn that monster into light so that it no longer turns your mind into a dungeon of hell." At one point I was feeling the hatred come out, then turned into hope and courage and the reason to keep going. I eventually did a nice 3 1/2 miles on a tread mill and did some nice 70 pushups, 100 curl ups each arm. I also did boxing and some stretches. I also had rock music playing. When I exercise with music I feel like I am my own character acting out a play on my own life. I felt good after and much less anxious or depressed, but hopeful because I know things will get better the more I am in this journey. I just have to keep going and each time getting better. Take it from someone who was almost given up. Well no more. I also had a strange dream that may be a sign from God. It was a prison dream. One where you are lined up and outside the building you can hear some people getting tortured, even had an audio in the room where you can hear someone saying, " please God forgive me," last words after a strange slicing sound was heard, pretty graphic. It was before I read the Bible also. Maybe a sign based on my own infernal soul that I must make into light not my enemy. I heard a saying Afterall, you suffer two hells one of which is the present and is of your own doing in your mind and the other is condemnation for your soul after death from sins upon sins. So one shouldnât make their souls a hell but one that is tranquil and not Hades. In any case, I reflected up on it.
I had a nice meal after the workout. I talked to my sister while I ate my post workout food like beans, rice and chicken . I after drank ginger tea so that I can feel relaxed in my body before studying. I ended up resting for a while after drinking the tea, it really calmed my spirit into a more calm state after an intense workout session. No urges this time. Feel more optimistic but need to concentrate still.
Things to do:
I had a sexual dream fantasy of some white European woman or other ethnicity of white having intercourse with me and talking about sex. Honestly it was strange, I think there were a bunch of different girls showing up as well at one point in my mind and my fantasies doing things to them. Ironically I didnât have a wet dream. But I had a strong boner when I woke up and it looks like it stayed that way throughout the dream. I woke up from that dream right before my alarm rang which was supposed to ring at 10:20 a.m. lol since I slept around 3 a.m. today because I was hearing about biblical masculinity and also some other information like how to stop using your phone and I found this app where I can do that, I felt like somewhere in my soul it was a calling to do so. Anyways, I am back to my senses. Right after I listened to that information, I prayed of course to God. It could be the enemy using my memories against me. One must be strong in these moments.
I will study hard today and focus on studies. I have yet lots to do in my journey like reducing technology use as much as I can, especially now that I know I have an inner beast inside that needs to be maintained to produce light not darkness.This is a must.
To do today:
*Always eat healthy and in between day keep consuming ginger tea. Good for testosterone, then take a break after consuming for some time. *
Do class assignments and study
Meditation and breathing techniques
Do some hobby outside of just hearing music like play guitar, draw, dance to songs not just hear music, make something or sing. (outside technology use).
2024 Personal counter: copy and paste
(February month) updated!
Weekly meditation practices streak( atleast once per week or mid-day everyday)
Week 1 - 1
Week 2 - 0
Week 3 - 1
Week 4 - 1
Week 5 - 1
No PMO hard mode: day 8
KORN free video format + images: 8 day
Screen time on phone daily goal: 0<2hrs, average of 125 minutes max using âstay freeâ stat app. Must stay within range**
Per week or month counter phone use:
Week: last weeks of Feb.
13 hours total week phone consumption since Feb. 29th (not good)
Month of Feb total -
Number of relapses in year total: 6 Progress*
((Try to keep korn free always no matter what and masturbating))
2024 Personal counter: copy and paste
(March month)
Weekly meditation practices streak( atleast once per week or mid-day everyday)
Week 1 - 0
Week 2 -
Week 3 -
Week 4 -
Week 5 -
No PMO hard mode: day 0
KORN free video content: 16 day
Free from temptations of lust in media(images, videos on YouTube,etc.) that leads to relapse without korn:
day 0
Screen time on phone daily goal: 0<2hrs, average of 125 minutes max using âstay freeâ stat app. Must stay within range**
Per week or month counter phone use:
Week:
Month of March total -
Number of relapses in year total: 7 Progress*
((Try to keep korn free always no matter what and masturbating ))
Day 0
I relapsed today no PMO to some yoga poses on YouTube that some females were doing sensually, they werenât naked they were just showing cleavage alot and doing sensual positions, and showing legs and vlog girls vlogging their sensual yoga poses. I was searching for baki the grappler content and suddenly there was a video of an erotic yoga pose from a woman and other females doing the same thing on YouTube I was surprised. I ended up relapsing and also I never knew there was such an erotic content that females do in YouTube for yoga. I changed my YouTube settings to ârestricted modeâ just in case there are erotic videos again. I never got these videos before, maybe itâs part of YouTubeâs agenda to distract us! It may not censor all things but it will help for triggers. I noticed I am more sensitive to females body and their looks will turn me on depending on how feminine they are or how much they reveal themselves. I think this is the results of not watching Korn, I am sensitive to just the stretch of a female or a beautiful womanâs face and body even if she isnât naked. But itâs fine as long as we donât stick to Korn, Korn is the worse of all. I didnât feel drained compared to korn but it was still a distraction. Itâs a long journey that needs time. Letâs keep going.
Today :
Yes bro beware of those contents, there are tons of sensual yoga videos on YouTube which are not categorized as restricted. Of course there are many decent yoga videos as well, in my experience if you only watch decent ones the algorithm would not pop out sensual ones. So beware of what you see on YouTube, and the algorithm will in turn provide you similar videos that will either push you constructively or destructively. Stay determined.
Yeah thatâs very true. The deeper you stay away from PMO the more you wonât need to delve into your lust. But yeah distractions come but we must be persistent
2024 Personal counter: copy and paste
(March month)
Weekly meditation practices streak( atleast once per week or mid-day everyday)
Week 1 - 1
Week 2 -
Week 3 -
Week 4 -
Week 5 -
No PMO hard mode: day 1
KORN free video content: 17 day
Free from temptations of lust in media(images, videos on YouTube,etc.) that leads to relapse without korn:
day 1
Screen time on phone daily goal: 0<2hrs, average of 125 minutes max using âstay freeâ stat app.
4.Must stay within range***
Per week or month counter phone use:
Week:
Month of March total -
Number of relapses in year total: 7
5.Progress**
((Try to keep korn free always no matter what and masturbating ))
Day 1
I slept a little late last night. But I will start my day right. I woke up before my alarm rang, because I feel the urge to do stuff and not be lazy.
To do:
Exercise to get the sweat out
Finish math assignments
I actually ended up not having time for exercise since I woke up late and well I will work soon. So I will finish assignments only today and tomorrow. Focus and focus focus!!
I woke up late due to day light savings today lol. I had my alarm to 10 a.m. but itâs an hour ahead. Also I had a dream about getting together with woman with a group of guys and just talking to them but I was excluded. So I ended up using my phone haha. I had some pre-â â â when I woke up but itâs not a lot. Strange dream. I had a few Arabian songs stuck in my head also while sleeping. Maybe is due to that lolđ
Day 5
I woke up somewhat late even though I had the alarm because last night I was busy doing my jazz course and catched up even to the next lecture of the week after this one but only halfway, I stayed up late to do all that till around 2:30 a.m., i just turned off the alarm for today since i was going to need the sleep lol,so I really catched up to the jazz class! All I need to do now is just prepare for test 2 and some week 10 activities online. This morning I drank beet root blend with banana and strawberry and also ate a celery raw with no other food. I just felt like having a clean meal today to feel nice. Not consuming oily foods in the morning. Start day right with a bit of air consuming from back yard and if possible sunshine. I set up my alarm back to normal again to sleep around 11:45 p.m. and wake around 7 a.m.
In day 4
I organized my room and cleaned inside my room half the day, the other time I was listening to some content on self improvement and semen retention, also did some finance updates. Even though I woke up around 10 a.m. I felt like I needed to understand more of the things of semen retention and my tiredness didnât demotivate me. Also I listened to more Arabian music which I find to be very beautiful. I had a sudden urge to clean in day 4 and organize as if I was possessed haha, did it with no music ,even organized the position of my mirror and books. I felt the drive to just get it done. I also listened to some semen retention content on YouTube it helped me get a better idea on how it affects your productivity and others. I also cleaned my clothes from which I relapsed to and didnât clean, washed my face and brushed teeth. Taking care of hygiene is important to make you feel proud of yourself and getting rid of the old. It was a cleaning day, even cleaned my bed sheets. I also made sure to put my alarm set up every night for 11:45 p.m. to sleep and wake around 7 a.m.
Day 3
I exercised for 1 hour, I danced for a bit to Arabian music and also did intense workout to Arabian music which was my first time working out to any other music other than Rock, anime theme songs, or heavy metal of course had my headphones on. In day 3, I felt a little lazy and woke up late but still felt like i wanted to try to do some proactive activities, i was just sluggish since i kept sleeping late. I was listening to some podcasts on semen retention and some self improvement content. I also watched anime called,âanuyashaâ at night in day 3 I binged watched it haha till midnight so I punished myself to not watch TV till I complete my assignments fully.
Day 3 to day 4: end
Today day 5
Things to do today:
Go outside and soak in the sun of my backyard and breathe in the air, do some stretches (very windy today)
Eat healthy blend of carrot, beets, banana and strawberry with celery with no other food to feel clean inside and comfortable, fast for a little bit (improves immunity, reduces depression,relaxation, relaxation of stomach,and mood, do consistently to see better results)
classes: Finish math notes
Mid-day must: Meditationâď¸
Always sleep early and wake early to recover habits and be healthy:
Sleep: around 11:45 p.m. and wake: around 7:00 a.m.(improves moods and motivation)
Day 5
(story time of female experience today in my retail job as a cashier)
I felt the aura or the feminine energy of this co-worker woman while she was next to me helping me out on looking for an item for a customer in the device, I think her name was Maribel something like that, I think Mexican white girl. I liked the way her eyes and face looked, slender body, but more than that, it was the way she radiated when next to me. I didnât intentionally look to do that, it was automatic in my mind and body. I remember I took a small glimpse direct look on the side of her face but turned away again so she doesnât think Iâm weird. Her eyes were nice and skin texture and youthfullness was probably in prime years like possibly 18 years to low 20s and nice voice. It wasnât sexual actually at first, it was more just that I am feeling this woman besides me her presence and itâs real rather than my imagination. It was more of an innocent feeling you used to get when you were a boy, being next to a girl that looks nice to you or that you find has a good presence. It was not sexual, after I had a few sexual images of her in my Imagination but that was it. I felt my own anxiety as well as if I am really aware of my emotions now to some degree. It was an amazing experience to feel that from a female without expecting nothing, just being.
Day 5 last night
Read bible last night the new world translation of the holy scriptures translation. Got interested in Samuel and some other places in the Bible. Bookmarked it.
Maybe spent 1 hour sifting through the Bible. Also realized there are definitions of biblical definitions in the back of the Bible or end pages. It was interesting. I slept around 2 a.m. by accident reading some passages and didnât track the time. I had the urge to watch anime shows at first or eat cookies but I didnât pursue it. I managed to restrain myself by taking deep breaths and just thought of reading the Bible for a while.
Day 6
More vivid dreams happening.
I donât have urges as much. Concentrating on just self improvement content and hearing philosophy quotes. I ate also celery on the side along with beets, apples, strawberry and banana as a blend for breakfast. I was trying to sleep but I guess in the back of my mind there was anxiety of things to do in the day. So when I woke up I felt a little tired still.
Didnât workout
Organized some notes from math class assignments and quizesâď¸
Had more drive to finish my math class and get a better understanding of the material for statistics, sacrificed exercise for learning
Day 7
I woke up late around 10:30 a.m. because I was busy with some statistics, forming math learning and note-taking techniques along with online modules, online book of class math. I managed to summarize some notes from the modules for all modules in the section chapter. I didnât have urges either, just felt like wanting to understand more and more of the YouTube videos explaining the statistics problems because I found it very interesting how it summarizes it quickly to some topics compared to the lecture notes of my own class. I have a fond to be easily curious even with good things.
Vivid dream:
More vivid dreams.
Of me being with someone robbing something or hiding from the police in a room and we managed to hide from him well. I am not sure what he was after but I know we were hiding lol.
The techniques I formed for statistics class to learn faster:
Read teachers notes and summarize
Read the online books for class assignments
Watch YouTube videos helps a lot to summarize statistics problems!
Google and statistics sites
Today day 7( other things to do):
Do some exercise, did a late workout around evening
Finish class notes and the quiz if possible or project. I finished most of the notes taken, slept a little late
Day 8
There were 3 customers giving their ID cards for the alcohol for same transaction, they were all woman and I think they were sisters of friends. I didnât know how to react but 3 girls who are extroverted is intimidating for me. They told me to chose any of their ID cards for the alcohol having their IDs all out to scan, I chose the middle one out of the 3 cards the girls took out and they were blonde woman or Spanish woman but they were good looking. One talked about how she looks in one of her ID card. I can somehow feel their aura, felt intimidating. They seemed self aware all 3 of them somehow, they didnât seem to judge me as I thought previously but it was a different type of feeling like life energy, maybe their confidence. Maybe its the female energy ?
Things to practice around females:
Day 12
I finally took off my mask yesterday because I would wear it alot in the past 2 years due to social anxiety and just feeling awkward socially, the same day I also did a workout before work with intense workout exercises, helped to relieve my anxiety before I worked, since It would be the first time I overcome mask wearing I need to get my blood flowing and in a natural state. I used the quote in my head,âthe more you forget about your anxiety, the more anxiety will run awayâ. I mustered strength and courage! It felt awesome and I just felt more alive. Also I told myself " I donât care if someone I know sees me or if others see my face, they way they act towards me will be the same anyways since my personality is the same. So who cares. I also saw my negative self in my mind and the part of me that holds deep darkness and just deep negativity about myself from my past while wearing a mask. I got revelation that I donât need to kill my past self or my dark self but rather teach him discipline by making myself better in the present moment. The weak self(inner child) that was in my mind as I can see him so fragile, wants guidance and is negative. My inner self deeper than the self told me to guide my weak self because killing him will only spurn more hatred inside you. You donât want hatred towards anything not even your bad self but you want to make peace with all things and set yourself free. I saw the chains that surrounded me, the demon that laughs at my face at the fact I couldnât take off my mask. Be has this technique he uses hypnosis to hypnotize me to think I am worthless etc⌠but since I am in this journey, I gained more self realization and awareness that I can even see that weak side of me and I can also see my confident self inside me deep down. That confident self wants to help my weak self, back then my confident self wanted to kill him but things changed because I learned my lesson about hatred.
When I took off my mask:
I actually ended up grabbing a mask from my car and putting into my pocket so I can feel a little more comfortable. I didnât wear it but it was just there to kind of make me feel a little more confident. When I went inside, I didnât get many reactions at first, it was just after I went to cashier section that i got some reactions. But not many, just Carlos was surprised to see me without a mask he said"not used to seeing you without the mask, something is different about you." I said to him " yeah and I think itâs the hair thatâs long to haha" when I passed through the checkout lane when I first came in I just took deep breaths that weâre not noticeable just calm state. When I was cashiering I had a good pleasant face, not super smiling lol but just a normal face where it wasnât so serious. Also more casual conversations that look natural. I would smile every time a customer leaves or when they arrive. In between I would be a little serious but also open and not carrying anger. Just pure present moment and I also had some songs stuck in my head while I cashiered that helped me with the anxiety, because I didnât remember it. Honestly I didnât care anymore. Who cares itâs not like they care about me anyways even if I take it off.
Day 13
Day2 of mask off
I felt more normal and less anxious than before. I felt like for a moment I was wearing my mask but it was not there, I am just getting used to not wearing it. The only thing I am worried about is I have dried lips and maybe some eyebrow dandruff. But other than that, I felt more casual talking and more natural rather than forced. I didnât have to smile forcefully just a natural smile, even a natural smirk lol. I conducted myself just as I would with a mask on except now I can express myself more through my face and way of talking can be more understood with customers and making me less awkward looking to customers which relaxes me. Taking it off makes me less awkward looking for customers so in turn I donât get many strange looks as often now. However I am still introverted so yeah. Some people I can tell understand that, so I just acted like myself. Felt more alive and less scared or anxiety. As the days go by you will find it will occur to you less and less and people will see it as normal. I am starting to not care as much.
Well no more. I also had a strange dream that may be a sign from God. It was a prison dream. One where you are lined up and outside the building you can hear some people getting tortured, even had an audio in the room where you can hear someone saying, " please God forgive me," last words after a strange slicing sound was heard, pretty graphic. It was before I read the Bible also. Maybe a sign based on my own infernal soul that I must make into light not my enemy. I heard a saying Afterall, you suffer two hells one of which is the present and is of your own doing in your mind and the other is condemnation for your soul after death from sins upon sins. So one shouldnât make their souls a hell but one that is tranquil and not Hades. In any case, I reflected up on it.
. I after drank ginger tea so that I can feel relaxed in my body before studying. I ended up resting for a while after drinking the tea, it really calmed my spirit into a more calm state after an intense workout session. No urges this time. Feel more optimistic but need to concentrate still.
(very windy today)
