[WalkWithoutFear] Pledge to Kill korn forever! 🌄

Diary
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81

Day 0
I relapsed yesterday morning and didn’t sleep much because I searched girls I found attractive. That was my mistake. I wrote down feminine traits in woman and I guess I got deep into the topic that I saw cute ladies in YouTube talking nice and eating and wearing nice traditional clothes something I found cute but I guess I went over board with my curiosity and explored in the internet other countries cultures and by the time it was 5 a.m. I didn’t realize it haha. I ended up relapsing to asian and american content. I think I was also overthinking that time because i shouldn’t have went extremely deep lol. That got me in trouble since there are alot of attractive woman from other countries, I must not treat myself to woman but maybe friends at work but that’s it until I get better and pass 90 days and beyond when I have full control over my urges and stop thinking woman as objects.
Today I will eat good, drink a smoothie also some eggs and sausages, also later tea that helps my mind. I am not sure if I will exercise today since I work sooner but I worked out yesterday either way, the weather in my country is so hot now. :sweat_smile::muscle:

82

Day 2 of NO PMO
I finished my 2 IQ test so I won’t need to take more tests and I also took another culture fair intelligence test and EQ test. Both when tired and when fully active or in the middle. Anyways, now I will see if I can start getting deep into the sciences, books, and see where it leads. Also workout since I need to gain my energy back. Let’s have a good morning :sunrise::muscle:

83

Day 6
I don’t seem to feel like it’s day 6 but somehow those days passed quickly by me. I had urges yesterday and felt a little low in the morning like kind of depressed but then I awoke from that and had a surge of energy to get up from bed, mostly cause I felt like everything I do didn’t satisfy me or I was always alone, but I thought to myself of my warrior mentality which is to not rely on anyone for winning or satisfaction. I slapped myself and said how can I think that way after what I have learned. Anyways, I did workout and it was intense did like 180 pushups which is a new record for me along with 40 or so pull ups and 50 situps. My motivation pushed me to go beyond I guess to a certain degree or my stamina along with the testosterone boost helped also. Today I won’t workout and just focus on reading and doing some mental textbook exploration and meditate outside for a bit. :pray::blush: Through God all things possible.

84

Yesterday day 5
This Facebook girl messaged me. I was acting like a friend but then she said how old I am and I just said “how old do you think I am?” And then she said she doesn’t know since she didn’t see my face. But the thing is I sent her a pic and I guess it got awkward since she didn’t send one. Hmm my instinct to be nice over the internet got the best of me especially with woman. It’s hard with them.!! If I treated them like guys I wouldn’t have done that. I would have said why did you chose to talk to me or what’s so interesting about us talking rather than going with her flow. Anyways I have to learn to treat them like any human being, this is hard at first. But it can be done. :muscle::pray:

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85

Day 0
Lots of things happened throughout these days. I made a confession letter to my dad and my mom. In addition, I relapsed these past days and also got sick before I relapsed. My family around here are sick of the flu or cold, not sure what it is. But my mom gave me advice to consume garlic pills since she says she drinks it everytime and that’s why she doesn’t get sick, workouts, and drinks liquids and most importantly she said she thinks positively. Anyways, today I am still sick since last relapse. I will try to rest, eat healthy, vitamins, and relax, also shower in steamy water to release mucus. Alright y’all. Time to heal :muscle:

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86

Day 2
I am still feeling sick with sore throat or the flu. I had to miss work like 3 times throughout this week because of it. It’s like the worse time that I catched it. Then again for me it’s hard to spot a flu from a cold. I can’t use my voice as much since it’s hoarsed. I do feel my body though is getting more energy inside me but slowly. Recovery of sickness mode.

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87

Day 0
I relapsed. I return with more confidence. I am getting better also in sickness. I was falling down spiraling downwards while relapsing but my reason for being reminded me. My why. All the pain. I refuse. I don’t want to go back. I even confessed to my dad. I had to do it, my spirit called to me. I told him things I should have told him but always resented him for many years. I let myself free and finally broke the chains of self hate and pity. This is a new version, I still have a long way to go. What do I expect from my dad knowing what I went through? I expect nothing. It’s my resolve as a man.

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88

Day 3
I am still going strong. I am building more of my positive mindset. It’s very hard but it’s worth it. I don’t know what I will find but I am always trying to fall Forward in life instead of backwards. I don’t want to fall back ever again. I want to keep falling forward having no regrets because going forward is not a regret even if we make mistakes along the way, it’s part of life. I am still a little sick today but I will get better soon hopefully. God Bless this day. :pray:

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89

Day 1
Never give up. Every failure is an opportunity to improve. Let’s get to this. I am trying to read more books while in no PMO. I also disciplined myself to not watch TV too much. I made like a schedule to when watch TV and for how many hours. Today I don’t watch TV and so I will read some books and maybe do other activities like workout and just be proactive. But in general I only am allowed to watch 2 hours of TV on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. So I am still implementing proactive activities outside of that. I have lost my Christian faith recently and trying to regain my faith back so reading the bible and understand God more helps.
Today:

  1. Read bible, some books :x:
  2. Meditate :x:
  3. Workout❌
  4. clean car✔️
  5. Rest a little to help sickness❌
  6. Update ID/DL renewal 2023 :x:
  7. Apply for different money settlements❌
  8. Keep selling your stuff :x:
  9. Update our services❌
  10. Organize your money. :x:
    That is all for today. Just taking it easy. Maybe won’t do all at once but if I can that would be great. Eating healthy breakfast now. :muscle::fire::pray: Emmanuel
    Lol I ended up just doing maintenance on my car since it needed oil change and a new tire.
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90

Day 2
New day. New beginnings. Every moment is a second to be your own hero and warrior of victory. I feel more pumped today. Maybe because the weather is hotter in the 100s, reminds me of the times I did my workouts in heat.
Today:

  1. Workout :heavy_check_mark:
  2. Rest for a while :heavy_check_mark:
  3. Read some books if possible (limit phone)
  4. Renew CA ID 2023 :heavy_check_mark:
    DL renewal 2023 :x:
  5. If your done. Finish list above.
    :muscle::fire::pray: Emmanuel
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91

Day 3
I had a good day today. So far no urges but I want to get things done. That’s my mindset today.
Things to do:

  1. Read some bible, books, :heavy_check_mark:
  2. Meditate
  3. Rest a little to help sickness :heavy_check_mark:
  4. Renew DL 2023 in person if possible
  5. Apply for different money settlements(did one settlement already :heavy_check_mark:, do more)
  6. Keep selling some stuff
  7. Update your job gig services
  8. Keep expanding your skills in math, reading, other things.
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92

I just kept getting busy last week. I fixed my mom’s dryer this week using the old dryer power cord and adding it to the current laundry she just got but was missing a 4 Prong Cord which I have now installed and also i was trying to read more the bible which was hard, I did exercise also last week but not so much since I am still a little sick, also I went to church last Sunday with my sisters Boyfriend which I forgave him for his doings of domestic violence and stopping smoking but he must change i told him but surprisngly he went to jail since he wasn’t supposed to see my sister close up since they have restraining order but got released again. However, I had urges a long the way but I just kept saying keep going don’t give up now! You know what this lust will do to you! Seeing the woman in my store while working was very sensitive the more the No PMO journey I kept going, just touching a bra or seeing breasts was making me horny but I controlled myself. Also, My mom got a new refrigerator and helped her install it although it’s missing a piece. In addition, I talked to my dad 2 days ago at night after I told him what I went through in my past which included the ■■■■ addiction but also my childhood which he never knew what I went through and surprisingly he didn’t tell me that he never wanted to talk with me or that I was a bad son, he just “understood” he said since he also has gone to something similar which I was surprised but atleast i confirmed that he doesn’t judge me so much for it and I am thankful for that and his advice he gave me that day. Although he was sad that he didn’t know what I went through and stuff, also, Mostly the bullying part he relates to not the ■■■■ but he did say that he will talk later on to me about the topic of woman which I have no idea what he meant by that. Finally, He told me, keep practicing my skills until it goes deep into your DNA when you shower, when you eat, when you are in the bathroom, when you are outside, write it in the walls if you if you need to, at work remember it, do it. Yesterday, my boss told me if I wanted to work a 7 hour shift instead of 4, I said yes to her but the thing is I talked to my dad until midnight so I went late to work yesterday around 8:30 a.m. when I was supposed to be in by 8:00 a.m. I just zoned in there without eating much which later on in the day after I was done with work gave me a stomach ache so I am taking it easy today. I underestimated my progress in my journey, I thought I can handle the energy incentive but I am still a little sick also and I have a long way to go more than just day 12, things starting to change.

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93

Day 12
I can’t believe how much I have progressed staying busy. I am now more friendly to woman and I am trying not to see them as sex objects but believe me guys it’s really hard. Those who succeed here they are like the ultimate human, you go through another form of evolution haha. So what I do is I don’t avoid woman but I also don’t expect things like they like me etc… which has helped me see them not as objects, we can’t avoid them they are all over the place so it’s best to just be friendly with them with no intention of partnership but just as another fellow human. Today I feel a little sensitive to seeing woman, day 12 is when the urges kick in more. But we must remember our why we started, where we plan to go! a king of your destiny or a slave like a simp to ■■■■? Nah I want kingship. Nobody said it will be easy but I got this, I am at peace with my past already so you got no excuses. Nothing’s impossible!
Today :

  1. Do some coding
  2. Meditation
  3. Eating well, refresh body since it’s hot here, rest a little
  4. Read and exalt the Lord.
  5. Finish unfinished errands
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94

Day 17.
Didn’t think of No PMO. I just kept getting proactive like I should be doing anyways. I did 100 curl ups 2 days ago on each hand with a 1 gal. Water jug, then 100 pushups, 28 pullups, then 100 sit-ups, It felt really good to get back on track in my exercise after a long sickness of the flu I had. Going from a rusty body to a iron body :muscle::raised_hands:.
Yesterday I did cardio so just running on the treadmill which did about 4 1/2 miles. I had a nice runner’s high yesterday, felt like my energy was going up and my testosterone was getting back to normal, I somehow had more stamina even when I was tired and felt I didn’t have energy, that extra energy from no PMO is vital for a lot of things. I fixed my mom’s dryer last month of July and this month of August I am Getting a good start. Day 17, I Disassembled a fridge that my mom wants to throw away with tools I have. Now to do a little code work before my evening job. I got some urges a few days ago and also today had some erotic images in my mind but I didn’t act on them I just trailed off to better thoughts, more proactive thoughts like what I need to do by the end of today and my list of “to do items.” I had more energy today and felt more motivated to take that fridge apart and throw the old dryer to the recycling metal place with my mother since she has a van and I don’t. That was quite a morning of throwing that old laundry away and taking apart that old refrigerator for scrap metal recycling or just throw it away once disassembled since it’s really heavy, so taking it apart helps more. Anyways I will relax my mind for a while before going to work. Emmanuel :pray::blush:

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95

Day 23
Wow. I came a long way from my self destructive self to a new self. I’ve gained a killer mentality not to give up, mostly cause I kept telling myself “don’t give up” “you can do this” “lets see what will happen if you really go all out” so my curiosity to find out where this journey will take me motivated me more than settling for ■■■■ addiction because deep down I felt I wanted something new to change. I kept reminding myself that things will change and that your life will never be the same after this which is true. We must remind ourselves from this distracting world that this is our new life, our mind can’t tell whether we are trying to change, it acts on what it’s fast stimulated by so reminding ourselves is important and replacing bad stimuli with good is key. Thst time I fixed the appliances in my mom’s house I felt a surge of adrenaline, motivation and manly power, I wanted to keep doing stuff… heck not even me could understand why I did what I was doing, I guess I loved the challenge of it all. My inner manhood coming out when my mom was going to get a pro fix and take apart the old appliances but I rest assured my mother that I can do it, she seemed surprised. Then again my mom is a single mother so she expects more from me but she didn’t know how to react when she saw me do all that haha. Even yesterday I took apart that refrigerator and made it fit in her car when she was going to get a truck for it, I rest assured her it will fit and long and behold it did! All these moves felt good even if it’s a little thing for the average person maybe, you have no idea how good to feels to do something you thought you couldn’t do, I felt so Good and no words can describe that feeling, just feeling good sbout your inner man. I also started to grow out my mustache hair and beard but I think I will cut it since it bothers me whenever I wear a mask to work. I’ve done alot this week actually. I got a new car insurance quote and learned all about car insurance to understand it better since I wanted to know the math behind all of it so mental energy is a good feature of No PMO, I also learned a couple social cues from videos and a book I have here about communication. I want to learn more about social skills and how to handle insults or awkward situations. Today I have no urges, I just feel like getting things done, will listen to some music and eat a good healthy blend first thing in the morning. Remember: “it’s not about the days that count but the memories within those days has to be stronger than the memories when you were addictive, make success your new addiction, simp for hard work on self.”
Today’s list to do’s:

  1. Eat well :heavy_check_mark:
  2. Organize paperwork :heavy_check_mark:
  3. Learn more about communication skills :heavy_check_mark:
  4. Do code learning more :x:
  5. If possible some cardio❌
  6. Take a good relaxing cold shower for stress release :heavy_check_mark:
  7. Meditation :x:
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96

Day 32
Let’s keep going. It’s been a struggle of a path. But nothing will stop me now from winning. I had urges couple days ago and today as well but don’t give in! This is your new life! I got this. Relaxing your mind is always important when your in the no PMO process. Don’t forget about that enemy because when you least expect it, the enemy is just around the corner. God Bless my journey coming this far. I’ve hadn’t had a big streak like this since around 2016! But this time I am more mature and have a better experience on how to handle No PMO since I have failed alot in this journey, that experience gives you strength to combat this. Today I will calm my mind down and learn more communication skills and if time some coding after I’m done eating my breakfast and take a nice cold shower since it’s hot here. God bless :pray::100:

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97

Day 33 I relapsed unfortunately.
I was tired, stressed out over my night shift job and it got to me. I was overthinking this time also, I wanted to sleep but I felt like I needed to do more stuff so I overthinked. My own undecided mind got the best of me.
Sure I was being proactive but one should know ones limits and when to just rest since today was a stressful day at work. Unloading YouTube also isn’t a good idea, I will just use YouTube in laptop. Also I should limit woman friends I think also since it seems some post some busty pics of themselves specifically Facebook strangers. Only add low key individuals or those who are looking only for friendship unless I really am into them. Different story. Got to learn this!
In addition, I was also watching a late night show which was a mistake I think and I didn’t shower yet I felt hot and sweaty. I felt like my energy was still active. This was a mistake to let the energy run wild without attention. My mistake was to not attend to my energy since when your in No PMO you gain another form of energy in your body that’s extra that needs maintenance. Ignoring it won’t help especially when the urges arrive. Sleeping late was also another mistake. Got to sleep on time better as the normal. If you feel like relapsing just exercise for a bit even at night and take shower. Don’t worry, I will come back stronger now that I’ve gained once again more experience :100::pray::fire:

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98

Day 1
I relapsed alot these past days and weeks. I felt disappointed in myself ever since I relapsed. But I will take it as a way to become stronger. I have strength in me to be stronger. I know I can become powerful. I hate the fact that I am settling for mediocrity, I want to strive for better and become the man I should become. I’ve abandoned everything to do it so far, I haven’t arrived here without a fight. Today I am mowing the grass outside and will listen to good music :musical_note:. God Bless :muscle::pray:

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99

Day 4. I relapsed few times throughout week, so I took a break from everything and journaled and let myself go. It did help me start this journey again. I understand what I need to do now. Day 4 today, I woke up at 9 a.m. slept around 1 a.m. atleast. I was researching on ways to get better protein intake compared to taking it in powdered form. I got a slow cooker yesterday for that reason. Want to start making more homemade foods. So far I had some urges today this morning but I am focusing on my goals now. I will get back on track on my workouts and things I need to do. :muscle::fire:

100

Day 0.
Starting out strong again. No matter what, I will not give up to the darkness of ■■■■ addiction and to my lust. I will overcome and be a warrior of honor :muscle::fire: