Undone Diary (Rewiring in progress)

This topic will allow me to have something productive to do with my time and help keep me sober.

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Day 0.75

Hello to anyone reading this. As you are aware, the circumstances of our meeting aren’t great, but the fact that we’re here is a good thing. Being here means wanting something better for ourselves then we’ve allowed, and you have to want it before you can have it.

I’m 28 years old, I started using the internet’s most damaging drug at 11, I had no idea what I was getting in to at the time. So I’ve had a problem for 17 going on 18 years. This isn’t my first time down the road to recovery, It’s something I’ve fought with for the past 5 years, maybe a little longer, and I can personally testify to the benefits of avoiding that garbage as much as possible. My highest streak doesn’t matter, you lose so much of what you gain on benders, and just like the problems you accumulate from before you address the issue, the bad stuff creeps up on you so you don’t notice it as much.

You don’t notice the first day you feel a little more numb to everything, it goes away, or gets forgotten as you work through the day. After awhile though, your focus dulls, you are preoccupied with your plans to get your next fix, it becomes much more difficult to regulate your mood and act from a level headed perspective because you’re missing something. The only upside is you don’t forget what you learned from sobriety, so you’re still a better person than you were before you ever tried to throw the monkey off your back. Still, you feel something shifting! When you’re sober, day by day, through the pain and fighting your own body to do what’s right for you, you become more of yourself and you learn from yourself. But when you trip or stumble, you still remember what you learned but you can feel it being taken from you.

We decide for ourselves how we live, I won’t make any claims towards or against an afterlife (If this is some sort of crazy job interview I hope I get a callback). I want to focus my efforts on the task in front of me and try to line things up for the next group who will do so, to the best of my ability, I want the world to be better because I was here, not worse and honestly the same isn’t good enough either but worse is a definite no. I can’t accomplish that if I’m fighting myself, I need to be all in. I need my goal to be the reason I breathe, I must want it more than my next meal. Anything that would take energy away from my desire, my plan, and especially undermine my own efforts must be rooted up from my garden lest it choke out any good fruit I might have.

I’m not going to lie to myself, this is going to be extremely difficult. You might disagree with me on that, that’s ok and I hope it goes smoothly for you, I want you to succeed and accomplish what you want also. In the past 5 years I’ve gained some good habits and lost some good habits, yet I’ve failed to be able to go 3 months and say to myself, “I haven’t been addict for 90 days now” I came close one time, and had some pretty decent periods of clarity and strength. I ran into some hiccups, I learned some things about myself I wished weren’t true but am working to accept myself for who I am. I always get back up and try a new approach if the old one doesn’t work.

My plan now, is to post here. Not at any specified schedule, just whenever I feel like it or at least once a week. My plan also includes working on some other new habits to help me moving forward. It is currently late o’clock though and I think this post is long enough as it is so that’s all for now.

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Keep going bro, be focus and you will achieve alot

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Day 1,

This first day back was easy. I woke up at a decent time, got to work a little early, worked all day and got most of my meals in at work. I do like to appreciate the small things, and the temperature being up to 40 was a real blessing. I really need to stay committed to this, so I think I need a game plan.

I need to remember why I’m doing this, and I need to have the strength and coping mechanisms to say no when my body begins fighting back. So, first thing is I need to start meditating again. I used to meditate almost every day for a whole year. The amount of attention you gain to your inner world through meditation is a bit maddening, but the detachment from your thoughts balances things out and helps keep you calm in situations that would otherwise stress you out. I will begin doing 5 minute meditations before bed, and move the time up to 10 minutes when I feel ready to expand my training.

I will also need to maintain my exercise schedules more strictly, I do miss days quite often as of right now, I will have to try harder because working out, especially once your brain starts getting back towards normal dopamine levels it mentally and physically rewarding. It helps all the time, but if you have a drug problem like I do you notice that finishing a set doesn’t feel as good as it does when you’re sober and you’ve been sober for awhile.

I need to start having creative outlets, ways for the emotional side of my brain to decompress and express ideas, drawing and messing around with my guitar will suffice, in addition to posting here.

I need to treat bad thought processes like a threat, they need to be dealt with effectively. For me, if I try to push a thought away it comes back again and again, so simply stopping the thought process won’t be enough, I will need to identify the reasons the thought process is wrong and counter it again and again with my own logic. I’ve done it before but one issue I ran into was just running out of fight in, I’ve given in in the past, and just went back to get a fix, almost in auto pilot. At the time, I could hear my conscience chastising me for what I was preparing to do, yet I just listened deafly as I threw my progress out the window. I think I was feeling lonely at the time, feeling lonely is a big reason I turn to the internet drug. Honestly, I turn to for many reasons, none of which are good.

Loneliness, depression, stress, in the past I think I was using it to cope with things, without even realizing that I was setting myself up for failure. I need new coping mechanisms for negative feelings and situations. I wonder if the habits I’ve been writing about beginning will be enough to do deal with these things as they arise? Is there anything else I can add to the list for when I’m stressed and want to escape? Or is being present with the pain good enough to deal with it?

I don’t know the answer but I think I’ll have to start with what I have already mentioned because I can’t think of anything else to add.

That’s all for now

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