Undone Diary (Rewiring in progress)

This topic will allow me to have something productive to do with my time and help keep me sober.


Day 0.75

Hello to anyone reading this. As you are aware, the circumstances of our meeting aren’t great, but the fact that we’re here is a good thing. Being here means wanting something better for ourselves then we’ve allowed, and you have to want it before you can have it.

I’m 28 years old, I started using the internet’s most damaging drug at 11, I had no idea what I was getting in to at the time. So I’ve had a problem for 17 going on 18 years. This isn’t my first time down the road to recovery, It’s something I’ve fought with for the past 5 years, maybe a little longer, and I can personally testify to the benefits of avoiding that garbage as much as possible. My highest streak doesn’t matter, you lose so much of what you gain on benders, and just like the problems you accumulate from before you address the issue, the bad stuff creeps up on you so you don’t notice it as much.

You don’t notice the first day you feel a little more numb to everything, it goes away, or gets forgotten as you work through the day. After awhile though, your focus dulls, you are preoccupied with your plans to get your next fix, it becomes much more difficult to regulate your mood and act from a level headed perspective because you’re missing something. The only upside is you don’t forget what you learned from sobriety, so you’re still a better person than you were before you ever tried to throw the monkey off your back. Still, you feel something shifting! When you’re sober, day by day, through the pain and fighting your own body to do what’s right for you, you become more of yourself and you learn from yourself. But when you trip or stumble, you still remember what you learned but you can feel it being taken from you.

We decide for ourselves how we live, I won’t make any claims towards or against an afterlife (If this is some sort of crazy job interview I hope I get a callback). I want to focus my efforts on the task in front of me and try to line things up for the next group who will do so, to the best of my ability, I want the world to be better because I was here, not worse and honestly the same isn’t good enough either but worse is a definite no. I can’t accomplish that if I’m fighting myself, I need to be all in. I need my goal to be the reason I breathe, I must want it more than my next meal. Anything that would take energy away from my desire, my plan, and especially undermine my own efforts must be rooted up from my garden lest it choke out any good fruit I might have.

I’m not going to lie to myself, this is going to be extremely difficult. You might disagree with me on that, that’s ok and I hope it goes smoothly for you, I want you to succeed and accomplish what you want also. In the past 5 years I’ve gained some good habits and lost some good habits, yet I’ve failed to be able to go 3 months and say to myself, “I haven’t been addict for 90 days now” I came close one time, and had some pretty decent periods of clarity and strength. I ran into some hiccups, I learned some things about myself I wished weren’t true but am working to accept myself for who I am. I always get back up and try a new approach if the old one doesn’t work.

My plan now, is to post here. Not at any specified schedule, just whenever I feel like it or at least once a week. My plan also includes working on some other new habits to help me moving forward. It is currently late o’clock though and I think this post is long enough as it is so that’s all for now.

1 Like

Keep going bro, be focus and you will achieve alot

1 Like

Day 1,

This first day back was easy. I woke up at a decent time, got to work a little early, worked all day and got most of my meals in at work. I do like to appreciate the small things, and the temperature being up to 40 was a real blessing. I really need to stay committed to this, so I think I need a game plan.

I need to remember why I’m doing this, and I need to have the strength and coping mechanisms to say no when my body begins fighting back. So, first thing is I need to start meditating again. I used to meditate almost every day for a whole year. The amount of attention you gain to your inner world through meditation is a bit maddening, but the detachment from your thoughts balances things out and helps keep you calm in situations that would otherwise stress you out. I will begin doing 5 minute meditations before bed, and move the time up to 10 minutes when I feel ready to expand my training.

I will also need to maintain my exercise schedules more strictly, I do miss days quite often as of right now, I will have to try harder because working out, especially once your brain starts getting back towards normal dopamine levels it mentally and physically rewarding. It helps all the time, but if you have a drug problem like I do you notice that finishing a set doesn’t feel as good as it does when you’re sober and you’ve been sober for awhile.

I need to start having creative outlets, ways for the emotional side of my brain to decompress and express ideas, drawing and messing around with my guitar will suffice, in addition to posting here.

I need to treat bad thought processes like a threat, they need to be dealt with effectively. For me, if I try to push a thought away it comes back again and again, so simply stopping the thought process won’t be enough, I will need to identify the reasons the thought process is wrong and counter it again and again with my own logic. I’ve done it before but one issue I ran into was just running out of fight in, I’ve given in in the past, and just went back to get a fix, almost in auto pilot. At the time, I could hear my conscience chastising me for what I was preparing to do, yet I just listened deafly as I threw my progress out the window. I think I was feeling lonely at the time, feeling lonely is a big reason I turn to the internet drug. Honestly, I turn to for many reasons, none of which are good.

Loneliness, depression, stress, in the past I think I was using it to cope with things, without even realizing that I was setting myself up for failure. I need new coping mechanisms for negative feelings and situations. I wonder if the habits I’ve been writing about beginning will be enough to do deal with these things as they arise? Is there anything else I can add to the list for when I’m stressed and want to escape? Or is being present with the pain good enough to deal with it?

I don’t know the answer but I think I’ll have to start with what I have already mentioned because I can’t think of anything else to add.

That’s all for now


Hello again,

The reason for the break in entries is because I relapsed. I feel now like I’ve wasted time but I don’t think that’s entirely true. Despite the fact that I have prolonged my recovery, I have spent more time being productive these past few weeks, and the drug doesn’t feel that great. Basically I’m stressed out with the holidays and studies going on right now, and stress at my job I just felt like escaping for a little while.

Which is not to say that its right that I did that, I can’t expect myself to be strong and dependent on a destructive escape at the same time. I really need to revisit my priorities here. It’s day 3 now.

So, really, it all boils down my will to be a certain way. I can’t change how I feel, I can keep running from it by indulging in poor decisions, or I can face how I feel and process it in that moment and allow it to pass. I need to refocus on what I want out of this.

I remember when I quit smoking, the first 4 days were terrible. I didn’t sleep right, it felt like my brain dumped all my feel good chemicals on day 2, and then the next 2 days were numb and irritated, slow thinking, difficult to breath. The next 3 after that were incredibly tough at random intervals, I of course wanted to smoke whenever I was doing something I would normally smoke while doing. I would reach for my vape every 5 minutes and feel pain when my hand grabbed nothing. I new I was done smoking though, so I kept going. It’s so weird how much better a deep breath feels once you stop smoking and re adapt to the lack of stimulation. I felt like I had boundless energy, like I could handle so much more stress, and not needing to leave to smoke ever was also amazing.

I smoke again now. I also quit originally because I knew it would help me with my nofap reboot, I wonder if I can do this and smoke? Realistically smoking adds more stress, and stress is a trigger for my vices.

Well I need to think more about this and sleep calls to me now.

1 Like

I’ve relapsed again, or maybe I never stopped relapsing since I’ve last posted, I can’t really remember. I know now how difficult this is going to be, I’m on day 2 since last incident and it’s already getting difficult. The automatic desire to toss everything to the side and ignore it all for a couple hours doesn’t seem to care about what it will feel like after. Whatever part of the brain gets addicted to something must not be built for planning, it has to function solely in the here and now because it refuses to be reasoned with.

Well, that’s no excuse. I can and will and have done better. I actually wrote a lot more but don’t want to post anything that could be considered out of character for the forum so I plan on perusing the forum more before making a decision to post what I originally wrote, spent a good 70 minutes writing and got through an urge that was threatening to keep me away from this forum even longer out of shame. Wars are won by winning a series of battles, lets get our minds right one day at a time.

Never give up, working on installing Linux right now to get a better feel for the uncommon but still necessary to understand OS for a career in computer science. Keeping busy is as important as ever “Idle hands are the devils tools”. I’m also reading a good esoteric book called Revolutionary Psychology by Samael Aun Weor, haven’t picked it up in a couple days but I need to focus more on my homework and passion projects right now. Still on day 2, I kept telling myself I wouldn’t post here again until day 7 but I don’t know why I was thinking that made any sense, might as well just be honest all the time.

No bad urges today so far but the sun is out, will keep working on this and I hope you all have a good day, productive or relaxed depending on what you need.

I hate this, relapsed again. Not sure if I’m going to post here for a while I don’t really have much to talk about. I’m going to keep a journal in private and browse other posts on the forum. I feel like I’m running out of time to fix my brain, and I feel lost.

You have to first , make peace with yourself, don’t always complain, instead find a way to sort things out positively


Hey, you’re right. I think I understand now. Hey thanks bro.

1 Like

Basically, this is my understanding: If I try to escape my problems they won’t be able to be solved because any opportunity to work on myself would be wasted on a doped up brain. No, no, you need a chemically balanced brain with goals in mind. And a willingness to feel pain without running away, ok I’ll be back shortly before 2024 to celebrate my 90th day free of delusion.

3 ways to be more confident.

Confidence means feeling sure of yourself and your abilities. Not in an arrogant way, but in a realistic.

Here are 3 ways you can be more confident.

  1. Saying no and drawing boundaries.

Remember that a boundary isn’t to control someone else’s behavior.

It’s simply to know for yourself what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do, and when to remove yourself.

You don’t have control over what someone else asks of you, what their expectations are, or their negative reactions. You can only control your response.

  1. Taking time to frame the answer properly before speaking.

Don’t immediately jump into answering the question. First, slow down and think about what are you going to say.

Don’t panic when you are faced with a challenge.

Even if you don’t know the answer to a problem, pretend first that you are capable of finding a solution and spend some time understanding the problem.

You should be the calming presence in any room. This shows confidence in your capabilities and skills.

  1. Consciously improving posture.

Do not slouch and consciously keep your shoulders squared and chest upright.

Within a few months, this will become your default posture. This has helped me with my back and neck pain as well.

1 Like

Setting boundaries is something I’ve been working on recently, I watched a few videos on giving disengaging responses to manipulative people and in practice they actually work well to reframe conversations in real time. As an example if someone is giving you a hard time trying to paint you a certain way, instead of going on the defensive in order to tell them why they’re wrong you can just ask them why they think/say that and go from there. From that point they will be on the defensive trying to back up their original claim and you will get insight into whether or not they have any substance by letting them respond


Lost my streak, I think I can go further now though. These past 20 days have been the first time I’ve been “clean” for 20 days in maybe 2 years? I am starting at a martial art gym in order to have something to look forward to every week. Looking at them online they look impressive, and I’m excited to meet them in person.

Looking back, I’ve come a long way from a pretty dark place. I can feel it in my soul, and I won’t stop.

Prayer is important, I saw a memorial at a park recently that said “Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.” Seek your Lord and you will find they had been there the whole time, and remember them every day so that you know who you betray, or depending on who you serve… is your lord betraying you?

Who do you serve? Is it an idea, a goal, something beyond you that you can’t comprehend but can see pieces of? Is your lord telling you to destroy yourself, or is your lord pleading with you to build a good stronghold? When bandits show up, is the front gate opened for them to take whatever they please, or is the gate locked and are you ready to keep it shut?

I’m just an addict guys, but I’m learning much from a carpenter

Today is pretty rough, I have to clear my mind I feel pretty low. I’ve really grown to hate my situation at work with people who just want to keep others down. It seems like there’s no love in the world sometimes, but I need to keep moving forward.

worked out regularly this week, and made some acquaintances at a martial arts gym. It’s kind of cool, I’ve never done a martial art before but for the first time in a long time, when sparring, everything else in the world was gone and I felt higher than anything in my life.

Consistency and prayer, taking time to improve and also taking time to reflect and be grateful. Jesus commanded storms to be calm just by telling them to do so, he healed people by telling them to be healed, and he died by telling people to fulfill their role. Ultimately, his death was nothing more than a duty, and he died to prove death had no claim over him. And he said any of us could do even greater things than he did. Personally I find it difficult to imagine doing anything greater, but I’m messed up in the head and heart right now. I need to keep going until my mind is right and then go even further.

So basically my understanding today: the stronger the urge, the more proactive one needs to be in that moment. I wanted to relapse pretty badly earlier and instead I started looking at schools and applying for admissions, the feelings subsided by the time I took a break.

After going a solid 3 weeks and some change without, today this morning I relapsed. No excuses to give. I feel alright aside from my fire is noticeably dimmed , I really didn’t even enjoy it. Now it’s time to go further, preferably all the way into never again. And of course I still have stuff to do today so I’m back to the grind.