Hi everyone,
I’ve been in this community since 2022, but I never did any journal or never started any topic. So I think I’ll start one.
My story
I’ve been introduced to this hell since I was around 10-11. Over all these years, I’ve had countless lustful thoughts and wasted probably thousands of hours wacthing illicit videos and perverting my mind completely. I was especially interested in macrophilia, and a lot of worse stuff. I don’t want to say more in order to avoid triggering anyone.
I never really tried to start this nofap journey until I was around 19-20. But even then I wasn’t serious. I would basically watch illicit videos and act on them every 1-2 days. This ruined my life: my self-confidence was non-existent, I’ve had severe social anxiety, I couldn’t even hold a conversation with anyone, I’ve developed depression and was completely numb. It also ruined my memory and my grades. I couldn’t enter in pharmacy school, which was my goal. And when I was refused, it all spiraled down to hell. I consumed even more of this content. I wanted to die every single day. My numbness was going on for many years, and the only time I felt anything was when I did PMO. I was basically dead inside. Because of the lack of any feelings, I became crazy and started doing crazy stuff. I would also cut myself to feel anything. The suicidal thoughts were intensifying more and more.
This kept getting worse until I decided to force myself and go to the gym in 2019. I started by going 6 times per week at first. I would almost always be at the gym, and because of this I got a very good physique. It honestly helped a lot and instead of relapsing every 1-2 days, it would be once per week. I basically became addicted to the gym and would loose my mind if I skipped more than 2 days.
But that wasn’t enough. I wanted to be completely free from this sin. At that point I’ve tried everything: intense physical training for years, read books, blockers, deleted social media, joined online groups, paid subscriptions to fight this addiction… All of these helped, but they were never the ultimate solution…
Until I realized one thing in 2022: I never focused on God. I was born in a Christian family, but never ever tried to actively get close to God. I never read the Bible, never went to church, never focused too much on prayer… You could say I was not really a Christian. That’s when I decided I wanted to read the Bible and started watching a lot of Christian content on youtube (mostly motivational videos). The thing is that I wasn’t really serious in my faith at first and I wasn’t giving my all. I would only read 1-2 pages of the Bible sometimes and nothing else. This small change in my habit allowed me to have multiple streaks of 20-30 days, but never more. It was because I never actually gave my 100% and never actually tried to have a relationship with Jesus.
Until October 31, 2023. I’ve had enough that day. I relapsed and felt miserable. I decided to do something I’ve never done. I repented. I asked God to provide me with His Grace to not only forgive my sins, but to also transform my heart so that I can be free from this hell.
The moment I finished the prayer, I felt something I cannot describe in words. I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace. I can’t describe it in words… It felt heavenly, and I won’t ever forget that feeling. It felt so overwhelming that I truly believe it was supernatural. Because at that point I was still completely numb. Feeling this sudden, overwhelming peace right after praying, when I was still completely numb… It’s not a coincidence. God gave me Grace.
Since that day, I wanted to seek God. The next day I started the habit of doing a morning walk everyday while listening to the Bible. My prayer life significantly improved, and I have been focused on faith more than ever. For the first time in my life I actually wanted to get closer to God and have a relationship with Him.
Since that moment, I relapsed in February 2024, May 6 2024 and then twice on April 8 2025. In over a year, I relapsed 2 times. That’s a first in +15 years of addiction. It’s truly a miracle.
God is truly working in me and transforming me. Without Him, this wouldn’t have been possible.
Now, does it mean that I am immune to temptation? Of course not. Being tempted is unfortunately part of being human. But it is WAY easier to resist, because I rely completely on Him.
After I fell on April 8, I’m already back with more than 50 days. Time goes by very fast!
I still struggle with fleeting lustful thoughts. I am able to reject them the vast majority of the time. But there are some days where I entertain a thought or 2 for a few seconds. That is unacceptable because, in my opinion, entertaining the thought is the same as watching an illicit video.
I guess it will take time. An addiction that was with me for over 15 years won’t go away in a year. It takes time. God’s Grace works progressively.
The purpose
My purpose for starting this journal is just so that I never forget why I started in the first place.
I’ll be doing a weekly check-in and summarize my week on every Sunday.
Checklist
Every time I check in weekly, I will mention how many times I’ve done each of the following activities
- Prayer meditation
- Morning prayer
- Bible study/reading
- Night prayer
- Gym (once every 2 days)
These are things I’m already doing. With time, I will add slowly new habits.
I’ll be doing my first journal entry this Sunday.
I’m at more than 50 days currently, but I won’t be counting the days. I’ll just write something like “week 1 - complete”.
God bless you all.