Tony 27M - weekly journal

Journal
1

Hi everyone,

I’ve been in this community since 2022, but I never did any journal or never started any topic. So I think I’ll start one.

My story
I’ve been introduced to this hell since I was around 10-11. Over all these years, I’ve had countless lustful thoughts and wasted probably thousands of hours wacthing illicit videos and perverting my mind completely. I was especially interested in macrophilia, and a lot of worse stuff. I don’t want to say more in order to avoid triggering anyone.

I never really tried to start this nofap journey until I was around 19-20. But even then I wasn’t serious. I would basically watch illicit videos and act on them every 1-2 days. This ruined my life: my self-confidence was non-existent, I’ve had severe social anxiety, I couldn’t even hold a conversation with anyone, I’ve developed depression and was completely numb. It also ruined my memory and my grades. I couldn’t enter in pharmacy school, which was my goal. And when I was refused, it all spiraled down to hell. I consumed even more of this content. I wanted to die every single day. My numbness was going on for many years, and the only time I felt anything was when I did PMO. I was basically dead inside. Because of the lack of any feelings, I became crazy and started doing crazy stuff. I would also cut myself to feel anything. The suicidal thoughts were intensifying more and more.

This kept getting worse until I decided to force myself and go to the gym in 2019. I started by going 6 times per week at first. I would almost always be at the gym, and because of this I got a very good physique. It honestly helped a lot and instead of relapsing every 1-2 days, it would be once per week. I basically became addicted to the gym and would loose my mind if I skipped more than 2 days.

But that wasn’t enough. I wanted to be completely free from this sin. At that point I’ve tried everything: intense physical training for years, read books, blockers, deleted social media, joined online groups, paid subscriptions to fight this addiction… All of these helped, but they were never the ultimate solution…

Until I realized one thing in 2022: I never focused on God. I was born in a Christian family, but never ever tried to actively get close to God. I never read the Bible, never went to church, never focused too much on prayer… You could say I was not really a Christian. That’s when I decided I wanted to read the Bible and started watching a lot of Christian content on youtube (mostly motivational videos). The thing is that I wasn’t really serious in my faith at first and I wasn’t giving my all. I would only read 1-2 pages of the Bible sometimes and nothing else. This small change in my habit allowed me to have multiple streaks of 20-30 days, but never more. It was because I never actually gave my 100% and never actually tried to have a relationship with Jesus.

Until October 31, 2023. I’ve had enough that day. I relapsed and felt miserable. I decided to do something I’ve never done. I repented. I asked God to provide me with His Grace to not only forgive my sins, but to also transform my heart so that I can be free from this hell.

The moment I finished the prayer, I felt something I cannot describe in words. I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace. I can’t describe it in words… It felt heavenly, and I won’t ever forget that feeling. It felt so overwhelming that I truly believe it was supernatural. Because at that point I was still completely numb. Feeling this sudden, overwhelming peace right after praying, when I was still completely numb… It’s not a coincidence. God gave me Grace.

Since that day, I wanted to seek God. The next day I started the habit of doing a morning walk everyday while listening to the Bible. My prayer life significantly improved, and I have been focused on faith more than ever. For the first time in my life I actually wanted to get closer to God and have a relationship with Him.

Since that moment, I relapsed in February 2024, May 6 2024 and then twice on April 8 2025. In over a year, I relapsed 2 times. That’s a first in +15 years of addiction. It’s truly a miracle.

God is truly working in me and transforming me. Without Him, this wouldn’t have been possible.

Now, does it mean that I am immune to temptation? Of course not. Being tempted is unfortunately part of being human. But it is WAY easier to resist, because I rely completely on Him.

After I fell on April 8, I’m already back with more than 50 days. Time goes by very fast!

I still struggle with fleeting lustful thoughts. I am able to reject them the vast majority of the time. But there are some days where I entertain a thought or 2 for a few seconds. That is unacceptable because, in my opinion, entertaining the thought is the same as watching an illicit video.

I guess it will take time. An addiction that was with me for over 15 years won’t go away in a year. It takes time. God’s Grace works progressively.

The purpose
My purpose for starting this journal is just so that I never forget why I started in the first place.

I’ll be doing a weekly check-in and summarize my week on every Sunday.

Checklist
Every time I check in weekly, I will mention how many times I’ve done each of the following activities

  • Prayer meditation
  • Morning prayer
  • Bible study/reading
  • Night prayer
  • Gym (once every 2 days)

These are things I’m already doing. With time, I will add slowly new habits.

I’ll be doing my first journal entry this Sunday.
I’m at more than 50 days currently, but I won’t be counting the days. I’ll just write something like “week 1 - complete”.

God bless you all.

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I am with you Brother. God bless you in your journey.

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Thank you Brother. God bless you too! Let’s rely on Him as always. It’s truly encouraging that He is always there for us.

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Week 1 check in :white_check_mark:

There were some ups and downs this week.
Most of the time I managed to ignore the lustful thoughts and reject them.

But the hardest was on Friday. I woke up very early and started work early, so I was exhausted the whole day. While going through Facebook I was watching a reel. I don’t know why but I kept looking, knowing full well there was the risk that I would find something triggering in the video. Then I realized that I was looking at a body part of a woman for 1 second. I was basically daydreaming when I did that. The moment I realized I immediately removed my eyes and blocked the video… I didn’t feel any excitement or anything at that time, so I guess I wasn’t lusting. But this was wrong of me because I knew that there could be something triggering, but I kept looking anyway…

Then later during the day, urges started surfacing. I ignored most of the thoughts, but I entertained 1 or 2 for a few seconds. I stopped myself and then prayed to God to help me reject these thoughts. I managed to go through the day, but urges were moderately strong. The whole day was a struggle, all because of a single reel in the morning… I decided I would simply stop completely watching these short videos. Jesus said to pluck the eye that makes you sin and throw it far away. So I have to stop doing these things that puts me in a risky environment.

Today morning was a little hard. I went early to the gym because there are less people, and less people wearing immodest clothes. But there still were some of them, and I felt the small urge wanting me to look and lust. I had fleeting thoughts, but rejected them immediately in the name of Jesus.

These were the days where I would say I struggled the most. The other days were fine. There were even some days where I didn’t feel a single urge or didn’t have any lustful thoughts, so that’s a plus!

I still need God’s grace to work in me. I starved my brain from this sin so much that it is desperate to desire anything. It’s a constant battle of the mind that never stops. But I won’t ever give up, because I know that God is there with me to free me from this sin. It’s because of Him that I managed to resist the urges on Friday and this morning. So I need to keep leaning on Him whenever I struggle.

His mercy renews every morning. That’s how great He is. We don’t deserve Him, and yet He still loves us this much. So I want to try to honor Him as much as I can. Not only in my actions, but also in my thoughts.

Task Completion
Prayer meditation 3/7
Morning prayer 7/7
Bible study/reading 7/7
Night prayer 7/7
Gym 4/7
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Update
June 8 2025

I made an exception and I am going to write a 2nd post today.

I went to Church today. For the first time in more than 10 years, I went to confess my sins to the priest.

When they announced that confession was available during the Mass, I didn’t want to go at first. I had tremendous fear in me , I wanted to conceal my sins. But then I decided that I had to.

I told him my struggles. I told him I was exposed to this mess since I was 10 years old and I wanted freedom. I told him that I saught Grace from God since 2023 and that it helped me tremendously and I was also able to stop watching these illicit videos. But I told him I was struggling so much with lustful thoughts. I said that I still had the desire to sin constantly.

He asked me some questions about me: how old I was, do I work, do I have a home. I answered him that I work, that I was 27 years old and that I didn’t have a home, but that I do make enough with my salary to allow myself to buy one. He told me if I was trying to find a woman to have a relationship with. I told him I did think about it, but I was scared that I would still commit the sin while in a relationship, so I didn’t go further.

I will not say more because there would be a lot of words I would need to write. But he mentioned that I should try fasting, not only in some food I desire, but also with anything that brings me to lust and sin. I honestly never thought about fasting. It is true that I heard many priests in videos say that fasting while struggling with lust helps tremendously. When the flesh starves, it becomes weak and won’t be as strong to torment your spirit. So I will check how to practice it in my life now.

The most important thing he told me is that I should pray to the Lord to bring a woman with the same values as me in my life to have a good relationship with her, not for desire or lust. But for a true relationship, one in which I love that person truly and I prioritize with her our relationship with God.

He then prayed and told me that I am forgiven in the name of Jesus Christ…

I left and I didn’t feel anything at first. But then I started feeling different, lighter, in peace… i still felt grief for all I’ve done in my life, but I am also somehow peaceful. Is that the power of forgiveness from God?

I do feel like a weight was removed from me. And now I have an even stronger desire to get closer to God. It felt amazing. Something I won’t forget. He told me it is important that I come often for confession. Not because I was not forgiven by Christ. But because I need to talk to the priest about my struggles, and that I need confess later on for my future struggles.

I thank God for giving me the opportunity to confess. To be honest, I felt unworthy of confession. But then I know that God is merciful and He sees my desire to get closer to Him. He said that if I seek to be closer to Him, He will draw near.

God bless you all.

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Week 2 check in :white_check_mark:

I have mixed feelings about this week.

My coworker which I struggled on due to fleeting lustful thoughts is gone on vacation for 2 weeks. So it’s certainly a lot easier now at work.

I won’t lie, I did have some fleeting thoughts on some days.

Some days, I’ve had no urge or lustful thoughts at all.

But other days, such as yesterday and Friday were bad. I went to a restaurant with friends. Before going there, I looked at the reviews. And I saw someone saying the waitresses were dressed inappropriately… I was definitely not happy seeing that. I went there and it was true… it took all my strength to resist temptation throughout all the evening. There were moments where I was looking at my friend and one waitress was in the corner of my field of vision. When she was, I felt like my attention was being divided. I was looking at my friend, but I felt the urge to look at the other person. I resisted throughout the whole night, but I did have one fleeting thought that I entertained for 1-2 seconds.

The next day, I did something I couldn’t believe. I woke up in the morning and kept thinking about the evening before, asking myself whether or not I lusted on people. By trying to remember, I did have fleeting thoughts coming my way… I found myself entertaining a few thoughts. I stopped after that, but the damage was still done. I prayed for forgiveness and for God’s help to move on. Then it all went fine.

Until later on when I went to my cousin’s house with all my family to celebrate father’s day. I’m ashamed to say this, but I have to. I had intrusive sexual thoughts on my own family… I can’t believe I dropped this low. Even on the 10 yo daughter of a cousin… I was afraid of looking at her… I didn’t feel any excitement or anything. I didn’t lust on any of them. But I felt that uncomfortable feeling you all know very well… why did I become like this? I never dreamt I would reach this level of sick. All my heart is full of darkness and I don’t even know myself anymore.

Jesus told the pharisees that they appear to be good on the outside, but they are dirty and dark from the inside. Like me. I say all these things about being a Christian, appearing good to everyone and people saying how kind I am, telling you all I want to follow Jesus… But inside I am rotten. I am sick and my heart loves darkness.

I pray to God that He renews me into someone new. The thoughts I had in the past few days were horrible. It shows where I am right now. I need God’s help more than ever. I can’t change by myself. I need Him. I am being sincere when saying this.

I’ve also missed sessions of prayer meditation and 1 day of Bible study/reading. I need to get a grip and take this more seriously. More than ever.

I am dead inside and I really need God’s help. I said it before, and I’ll say it again: I dream of the day where I can look anywhere I want without fearing that I will be lusting on anybody. I want to look at a woman and see her as my sister instead of an object.

How long will this take? How many more trials do I have to go through?

I will never give up though. Even if I am the lowest of all, I will keep that fire in me wanting to get closer to Jesus. He is faithful. He sees that I want transformation. And I know He is working in me.

Sorry if I said all of this. I needed to vent to someone. I will do better this week. It’s not just about trying to stop PMO. It’s about seeking a renewal of the mind, which is only possible with God.

Task Completion
Prayer meditation 2/7
Morning prayer 7/7
Bible study/reading 6/7
Night prayer 7/7
Gym 3/7
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Week 3 check in :white_check_mark:

This week was better than last week.

From Monday to Thursday, I did have a few fleeting thoughts here and there, but didn’t entertain any. Even at the gym I did fine without lusting on anybody. So that’s a good thing.

Friday was a bad day. I messed up at my work. I’m a project manager at my company. The reason I chose this job is because I wanted to choose the most uncomfortable thing for me. I am a huge introvert, socially inept and hate interactions. So I chose the job which probably requires the most communications, and I basically have to be an extrovert to succeed.

The thing is that it didn’t work out. After 4 years of working there, I almost always eat lunch alone, send emails instead of calling or talking face to face, never went to any company events, etc. I barely know anyone over there.

On Friday, I had a presentation to do in front of around 20 people, including directors and executives… There was a lot of information missing in my slides (because I asked my colleagues to fill some of the slides as they are experts in their field, and they pretty much didn’t do it…) and I presented awkwardly. The weird thing is that I wasn’t really stressed too much. That’s probably because I prayed to God to give me courage and strength during that time. But I still didn’t present well, and my supervisor told me she was going to talk to me on Monday (tomorrow).

After I messed up, I started having a lot of fleeting thoughts in my mind and entertained 2 of them before rejecting them a few seconds later. Then I cried when everyone left. I prayed to God and told Him I was sorry for these thoughts.

I wrote to AI and it gave me very good ideas for this battle. As I am struggling when I know I’ll be going to the gym, it prepared for me a good prayer to pronounce before entering the gym. I did so and I didn’t have any bad thoughts or didn’t lust the whole session. I even looked at a woman training and prayed, and asked God to bless her because she is my sister. So at least that was a good way to end the day.

On Saturday, I was attacked by a lot of thoughts and I was tempted a lot. The urges were very weak, but still there. I even had a flashback of a scene I saw years ago while watching a TV series… I immediately turned to Jesus and prayed. And it immediately went away. A small victory, but still great!

Today was almost perfect. I went to the gym and did the prayer before entering. I was tempted twice while training. The first time I rejected the thoughts immediately. The 2nd time it stayed in my mind for 1-2 seconds, but then I prayed to God. It went away. Then when i left the gym, a woman was entering at the same time. I don’t know why but fleeting thoughts came immediately on her. I rejected almost all of them, but had 1 thought remain for 1 second before I rejected it. I prayed to God and told Him I was sorry. So yeah there was some struggle and it wasn’t perfect. But at least I didn’t get angry on these women and I lusted significantly less than last week. I even prayed for them in my mind, which is for sure a big step forward.

Now I’m at home. I will take the rest of the day to enjoy my time with my family.

Jesus helped me a lot this week and I am grateful. I will keep leaning on Him more and more. I am sure that, with time, as I keep doing this, I will lean less on evil and more on God. The progress is slow, but it’s still there.

Task Completion
Prayer meditation 7/7
Morning prayer 7/7
Bible study/reading 7/7
Night prayer 7/7
Gym 3/7
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Week 4 check in :white_check_mark:

This weeks had its ups and downs.

2 of 3 gym sessions were flawless. There were countless people wearing immodest clothes. The gym was filled with temptatipn. But I didn’t look at anyone and lusted. I had a few fleeting thoughts, but rejected them immediately. I think there was even a whole gym session where I didn’t feel any desire during the whole workout. That’s great!

I had struggles on Tuesday and Thursday morning. I had sexual dreams, which made me wake up agitated with bad thoughts. I entertained a few thoughts unfortunately. I prayed to God for forgiveness and to purify my heart with His presence so that I stop having these thoughts.

I think my main concern this week was my consumption of social media. I watched more videos than usual. I wasted a lot of time. I decided I will add another task to my list, which is to reduce my phone consumption to maximum 1h30 daily. I’d like to start reducing the use slowly. If I try to quit cold turkey immediately, I know it’s not realistic and I will fall into this habit again. So I will start with 1h30 for now.

Another issue I have is that I tested myself. I would watch these reels and when there would be a woman, I would look at her and tell myself there is nothing exciting… But the thing is that there would be a lot of inappropriate reels popping out. I realized that I was getting agitated by trying to test myself. Was I lusting unintentionally? I don’t think so. But it was a bad thing I did. I did so today and yesterday, and I should stop.

When Joseph was tempted by the woman, he didn’t stand there and thought:" I won’t get excited by this." No. He simply ran away to God.

God didn’t ask us to test ourselves. He wants us to run to Him when tempted. So I must stop testing myself and understand that social media is scripted in a way to make you fall into temptation without you realizing it.

I put time limits on social media in the past. I will do it again. A maximum of 10 minutes per day ( only to see my family’s messages). Not more than that.

Also, the Bible teaches that love requires sacrifice. That’s what has been done countless times throughout the whole Old Testament (when the jews would bring offerings to God). That’s why Jesus did the ultimate act of love by sacrificing Himself for us. So I must sacrifice things to show that I do care about God. Social media is an example (which I will do from now on). Another is sacrificing some of your time to pray, study the Bible and have a relationship with Jesus. By sacrificing, you show that you care. So that’s why love requires sacrifice.

I’ve also been wrestling with thoughts about how insignificant my life is. I’m working at this office job and I asked God if that’s truly the place He’s calling me to. I feel like what I am doing is insignificant and a waste of time. Then while reading the Bible yesterday, I went through the Book of Zechariah. In chapter 4 verse 10, it is written “For who has despised the day of small things? They will rejoice to see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel”. I won’t go into details about the context (if you are curious about this passage and its meaning, DM me and I will explain). But God answered my questions by saying here that the things that I think are insignificant are actually not. They will always lead to something huge later on.

Finally, I had a lot of temptation and bad thoughts because I found myself remembering the past. I would remember what things I was attracted to and would shame myself for them… In the same week, God answered to my struggle by allowing me to read the book of Ezra chapter 3. While rebuilding the Temple, the Jews were joyful. But many old Jews were crying, because they remembered the 1st Temple and saw that this new Temple would never be as glorious as the first one. The lesson here is that, a lot of times, remembering the past is not good. Because you get stuck in the past, and you are unable to see what God is doing right now in your life.

Sorry for writing all of this. But I learned some valuable lessons this week: do not test yourself, do not believe you are insignificant and do not get stuck in the past. God is always there with open arms. If you always get stuck with such things, you will fail to see Him when He is right there.

God bless you all

Task Completion
Prayer meditation 3/7
Morning prayer 7/7
Bible study/reading 7/7
Night prayer 7/7
Gym 3/7
Less than 1h30 on phone NEW TASK
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Week 5 check in :white_check_mark:

An almost perfect week after a disastrous day

On Monday, the whole day went fine without struggle. Until I watched a movie at night. There was a scene in the movie which triggered me somehow. Instead of just ignoring it, I got angry and decided to test myself. I would watch it again and tell myself that there’s nothing exciting, while looking at the person. But then I felt the desire increasing, and even heard a voice whispering. It was telling me to escalate and PMO. But I stopped the movie, got on my knees and asked God for forgiveness. I said the day before that I wouldn’t test myself, but here I was doing it again. So I prayed to God to forgive me for this mess and to help me stand back up.

The following days were unreal. On many days I didn’t have a single lustful thought. Nothing! I even went to the gym and while I felt the desire to lust in my mind and look at the women, I didn’t. I prayed to God each time before entering the gym to protect me from any impure thoughts and to help me not entertain any. He answered my prayers.

There was even my coworker I used to lust on who was at the office everyday. I didn’t lust on her. I did have a few fleeting thoughts coming my way, but I prayed to God and they would go away immediately.

I would say this week was one of the best I had this year.

There’s still however one habit I need to improve on: my phone usage. I said I would be using it less than 1h30 per day… i used it way more than that unfortunately. I used it 40 minutes less than last week, but I still need to work on reducing my phone usage.

All of this improvement is thanks to God. By myself, I would have failed countless times like I used to way back in the past. It’s only with Him that I am managing to move forward.

To achieve victory, it is important to rely on God. It is written in 1 Corinthians 10:13:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

That is why we must trust in the Lord. He is always faithtul. He will always provide a way out for us. It’s for us to choose.

And when the urge hits hard, it is important to remember the following from Exodus 14:14:

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

It doesn’t mean you stay there and you watch the urge while doing nothing. It means you run to God by praying so that He can fight for you.

God bless you all.

Task Completion
Prayer meditation 4/7
Morning prayer 7/7
Bible study/reading 7/7
Night prayer 7/7
Gym 4/7
Less than 1h30 on phone 0/7
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Hey brother. I hope you don’t mind me writing here…
I see you’re facing problems with resisting thoughts. I suggest that you should really spend time with family and loved ones. I read all your posts and realized that one of your obstacles is also being an introvert. Actually connecting with friends, people, especially female friends (around boys of course) really helps in seeing women as your sisters. Also, when you’re around family, you feel happiness. Happiness and true human connection can overcome lustful thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all god’s grace. But praying all day and doing nothing (I know you don’t do nothing, it’s just a way of saying) will only make you resist the thoughts that could not have had popped out thanks to happiness and a more connection with souls. Once you’ll be an extrovert, you’ll start seeing people as souls, not objects.
Also, fasting helps a lot. Since you go 1 day gym and 1 day not, fast and that 1 day you don’t go.
And most importantly, when you start your journey to connect with people more, if you fall in love with a woman and marry, you’ll see that your love with her will make 99% of thoughts like that disappear (if not 100%).
Hope this helps brother. Oh also please remember. Your only true friend is God. He is the only one who won’t leave you no matter what :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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Thanks a lot taking the time to go through my posts and for your answer brother!

It’s as you said. My only struggle now is about the thoughts, it’s not PMO anymore. The frequency of fleeting thoughts have dropped a lot, but they still come from time to time.

You’re right. I tend to stay alone most of the time. I do go out with family and have a good time with them, but I don’t do it too often. I’ll work on forcing myself to socialize more. Not only with family, but also with people at my job too. I only have two friends (who are men) unfortunately. But I’ll work on having new people I can talk to and be friends with them. I am seeing improvements when talking to strangers. I look at them in the eyes while talking and I’m not nervous like I used to. But I can still improve on socializing more.

About fasting, that’s a good idea! I did mention it in one of my posts, but didn’t implement it. I will do some research as to what are the suggestions to fast while staying healthy and not affect my progress at the gym.

I really appreciate your time and your help brother!!

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Update:
I just had lunch with 3 women coworkers, one a bit younger than my age. I talked a bit and I didn’t struggle. I’ve had 2 fleeting thoughts coming my way on the coworker around my age, but I didn’t entertain them and reminded myself of her humanity. I believe that by doing this more often the thoughts will be completely gone. I did talk to her in the past and I remember having a lot of fleeting thoughts and I used to entertain them too. But today was different.

I just wanted to share this small victory with you all. Thanks!

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Thank you for sharing this — and congratulations on a meaningful step forward. It takes real self-awareness and intentional effort to notice those fleeting thoughts, pause, and choose a better response. That kind of inner work often goes unseen, but it’s incredibly important. The fact that you were able to stay present, engage naturally, and approach the situation with respect and humanity speaks volumes about your growth.

Moments like this might seem small on the surface, but they build a stronger foundation over time. You’re showing yourself that change is not only possible — it’s happening. Keep going. You’re doing the work, and it’s paying off.

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