Day 2
I was feeling sleepy whole day and i tried to study butā¦
I donāt knowā¦ Maybe it became a habit. I slept 2-3 days daily at afternoon and this should be a reason.
Well, the same thing happened last time (before exam). I am facing the same nightmares!! No motivation for study!! As i am writing this my eyes are getting blur due to sleep. Today i woke up at 8:15. So many urges! Exam is so close and i am doing nothingā¦ I know i need to study: then why the hell i am not studying?? Whyā¦??
I am wasting my whole time playing games and watching moviesā¦ These 2-3 days i played too much mobile games and watched 3 Movies.
Only 14 days remaining for CET and 28 days for NEET.
Nothing changed!! How is this even possibleā¦?? How??? Man I am fucked up! I am fucked up!! I still have time to revise whatever i studied but is this sufficient? This is not what i had thought of!! I wanted to complete atleast 50% of the syllabus but i failed. I failed twice. I learned nothingš„ŗ I am scared!! What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of failure? What is it? I donāt know. What is it??
Itās because of parents andā¦ i donāt know man!! Itāsā¦
Well, itās not my parents fault!! They gave me everything whatever i asked for. So itās normal to expect good grades from me!! I donāt know i told this before or not. Then is it my fault?? Fuck!! I donāt knowā¦
Yesterday, today againā¦!!
Sore throat, runny nose, weakness in bodyā¦
I am gone through this last time. I donāt know how but every fucking thing is happening again!! Last time i fapped so many times or even 2-3 times daily in the last month of the exam!! Everyone was shouting on me to do study but i wasnāt in a good condition. Is this really happening againā¦??
I want to change. Those new friends i make in this few months i am getting away from them. I am not able to talk with them, i am ignoring them. Whatās happening in my mind??? I am getting mad!! Today i tried to study physics instead of biology andā¦
I donāt understand a single fucking thing. In biology i am not able to remember what i studied and in physics i donāt even understand whatās going on!! Itās like my ability to think and grasp the things is gone. I am just a living thing but inside i am dead. Never thought that i had to face these things again. Please someone get me out of thisā¦ Have I lost my ability to study? Or itās just me who donāt want to study? Thatās why i am making excuses?? 26 days remaining for exam.
What have i becomeā¦
Well, Should I study what I like and understand or should I study things that can fetch me more marks? Because I tried to study physics but I didnāt understand anything. So in that way i will be just wasting my timeā¦
I think i have to stop bothering my mind and asking questions to myself. Instead of overthinking i should find a way to get out pf this worst situation like a true men!! I Am Batman and i will not give up!!
Great, you get your motivation. Donāt think about the past and focus on what you can accomplish from now on
Take some time to plan your day, focus on one or two subjects to study each day, maybe make a schedule, youāll be more motivated to stick with your plan. At this stage donāt worry about whether you can finish the syllabus, just focus on what you have planned and how to achieve it. Do your best bro
Day 2
I relapsed again.
I am not getting depressed because of it. I know how and why this happened. I am working on it. I completed all the above things i mentioned and yeah i was really different person at Dec and January. But i know i can improve myself more that was not my limit it was just a average version of mysepf. I didnāt reach my limit. There is no limit. I have plans for tomorrow and i will achieve what i decide. Lets do it!!
Itās time for action not for fancy speech. Day 0
Day 1
Vomiting last night. I vomited too much .
So everything i planned for today got wasted. Well this is the life; Nothing goes as planned. I was sleeping whole day and i am feeling so weak. Didnāt sleep well at the night due to Vomiting so i slept whole day and studied nothing but i think itās not my fault. Study more tomorrow and take good sleep so food will get digest properly.
Day 3
I almost relapsed!! I searched ā ā ā ā and edged and i tried to stop myself before doing this but i failed. I searched ā ā ā ā and edged a little bit And i was about to watch video but i stopped myself somehow. I just stoppedā¦
I donāt why or how but i am trying too much but i am not able to study. Sorry i donāt want to study. I tried to study 5-6 times whole day but i didnāt even studied one hour continuously. Even now i have my study material in my hand but i donāt want toā¦
In whole day i just studied 2 hours and i am trying to study from 9am and now itās 5:45pm. What should i do? I know i didnāt studied an i need to but whatās happeningā¦
I wake up in the morning and make a timetable daily but I am not able to complete even 10 percent of it.
Share your timetable here, it will act as an accountability. If you want study accountability, you can use study together discord server, itās great. Many people study there together without interruption. You will find all sorts of people, from UPSC, CSE, Neet UG PG, Etc.
Trust yourself bro, quitting PMO is just your choice. You can choose to quit old habits and embrace life. You know how destructive PMO is, and you can choose to treat yourself well. Tell yourself, I donāt enjoy PMO anymore. Such enjoyment is fake, Iām urged to do so instead of enjoying it. Tell yourself, I will get back the freedom and the life that Iām proud of. Itās Time to Rise!
Day 2
I have nothing to say. I am juat blankā¦
Today i tried to study Chemistry and . I was just asking one question to myself āWhat the hell is going on hereā¦?ā Why i am not able to understand anything like a simple Chemistry and Physics. Man i am trying but without this 2 subjects i donāt think i will get good marks and the exam centre is also very far from the home (80km). I will have to take my father with me and thatās why i am not feeling good; i didnāt even studied for the examā¦!!
Getting urge but not this time. I donāt enjoy PMO. I hate watching ā ā ā ā .
I have something in my mind and now i know my interest. It is just so different from everyones interest but i know this is what i want. Well i have something else in my mind from starting and i think thatās why i am not able to focus on study. I always lied that i donāt have any interest and blah blah blahā¦
I donāt think I can do anything else besides this because i tried to and i failed and i am going to fail again. I haded a way to achieve it with this studies but now i donāt think i have any choice, i just have to work on it directly.
I wanted to have a backup plan so that if I fail I donāt have to face any problems. But nothing happened as I had thought. Now I have two options. Either I study a little and go to a good average college. Or I fulfill my dream. But if I tell you from my heart, I cannot live without fulfilling my dream. Because of my dream I am not able to focus on anything else. No matter what happens, I want to fulfill my dream. There is this fire burning inside me. I have failed a couple of times while trying to get this thing but it doesnāt matter to me. I just want to get it. I juat want to achieve it. Itās just i canāt focus on 2 things at the same time. I haded a plan to achieve my dream and to study at the same time but nothing gone well. I could not achieve even a single thing because of this thing and thatās why i think i have to choose!! Well there is no choice for me. No matter what i do i canāt forget my dream. I just want it. But i am afraid!! Wht if i fail? I donāt care. I donāt think i will stop without achieving it, i canāt. I want itā¦ I told you, I told you everything. Now there is nothing left to hide.
Dayā¦
Just relapsed 3rd time in whole day. Yesterday, the day before Yesterday andā¦ i am relapsing daily. I am at home and doing nothing!! Literally I tried everything and that study together server too but itās just nothing. Only 10-12 days are remaining. Today I feel so ashamed, I literally hate myself. Shitā¦!! I just feelingā¦ like I am in hell. Now I know my dream, I know far before butā¦!! man, what the fuck is happening with me!! Aaahhhhhh!!!..!!!
I am at my lowest again, going through that hell. What should I do? The timing from 1pm to 6pm I relapsed the most. First at night then slowly at evening and at afternoon like 9pmā”ļø8ā”ļø7ā”ļø5ā”ļø4ā”ļø2ā”ļø1 pm. May be itās happening because my mind is empty and I am doing nothing. I really want to change this. I am doing exercise and meditation too from few days. I feel so weak. I tried to wake up early but because of this relpase cycle I feel so weak and just canāt wake up. I am still trying but itās already too late and also not feeling wellā¦!! Should I go libraryā¦??
I am making timetable and shedule but it wonāt works except exercise and meditation and prayer. I really started to feel good after doing this but fall again in the same hole. You know I am just sick of it. I hate doing this. Even I refuse to do this things I canāt control myself. Every thought works simultaneously like I donāt want to search ā ā ā ā but I am still doing it. I goes back but starts to search again. I am watching ā ā ā ā but feeling bad at the same time and tries to stop myself but fails again and again. Today I did worst things and I am so ashamedā:pensive:.
Where am I? I just canāt control my lust. Whenever I see girls I starts to think bad even after I donāt like it. Itās like I lost control over my whole body. I wasnāt like this, I am notā¦!!
God Please get me out of this place!!
I just kept thinking bad things all the time. I canāt get these things out of my head. Whatās just happening? Why I canāt stop this?
āStop asking questions!!ā Do something about it. Donāt be a Crybaby. Just do somethingā¦
(posted lately)
Bro, reading your posts it seems that your subconscious mind is very reluctant to study and constantly use P as an escape. Maybe your parents have given you much pressure, but you find yourself not able to fulfill their expectations, or you donāt want to follow the path they wish you to go, such complex emotions make you keep relapsing.
Iād suggest you to find a motivation to study, or find some friends to study together. But time is very limited now. At this point Iād suggest you to acknowledge your pressure, and acknowledge that life is sometimes like this, it maybe awful at the moment but there must be other ways out, donāt worry too much about future. Then affirm yourself, youāll do your best in these final days, no matter the results. Good luck bro
Day 1
Yesterday relapsed 2 times and the day before Yesterday I relapsed 3 times. Yesterday there was urge at night but i controlled myself and today as i woke up there was still urge but again i controlled myself and then i started to study and now i completed 1 chapter from morning.
These days i am using too much mobile and also i am relapsing too much. Itās usually happening at afternoon from 12-6pm. There iss still urge as i am writing this but i donāt want to relapse. I donāt like watching ā ā ā ā . Going to study againā¦
Day 0
I feel ashamed while telling this but i shiuld tell this. Today i relapsed 5 times. Every relapse was in afternoon. Finished 2 chapters. But about those relapse and the videos i watched i feel so bad andā¦
I watched too much hardcore videos and my mind was so fucked up but now i am good. I need to stop this. If i canāt even overcome this addiction and canāt even beat a single urge then how i am suppose to achieve my goal and dreamā¦?? My dreams are bigger than this addiction and i will achieve it. So i am going to beat this addiction. I donāt do PMO!!
Just 3 days for exam. Centre is so far from home and i studied nothing. Dad will probably come with me on the exam day!! I am worriedā¦!!
Man whenever I read your dairy and see your situation, I feel lot of empathy but at the same time I feel very angry on you that you keep relapsing like this.
But mind you, I donāt feel anger with just about anybody, mostly those who I feel something about. I feel angry when certain buddies here break my expectations.
But thereās love and care in that anger. Idk if I can do shit to help you out. But I can just say you can flood my dms here whenever you feel urge but avoid relapse. Curse me to let the urges go but donāt relapse.
hey brother !
i read your diary and i loved your progress.one thing i loved about you the most is that even after failing so many times, you never quit.
i am eager to know more about your age and your addiction history,like how did you got hooked up with p ? kindly share if you are willing!
Day 2
As always day 1 was hard like everyday but this time i tried hard and completed day. I didnāt felt anything on day 2 as i there is only one thing going in my mind is study like i have to complete this no matter what and i am trying hard.
My mind is getting distracted again and again so too much time got wasted but atleast i am giving my everything to get back on study track. No more lies. Well i donāt care what or how the result comes out but i am going to tell my parents that i donāt want to create a future in this field, i want to achieve my dreams. Even if get 95% in exam i donāt care because i know it will go in the future. So i am studying because i filled the exam form and it cost me 1000ā¹ and 1700ā¹ for neet and i just want to give everything i got this last time. I am not going to count days or i donāt care what is the streak because i donāt do pmo!! @prince_king thanks for getting angry on me and caring for me but now just seeā¦ @mighty.serioten well my age is now 18 and it will be 19 on next month. It was random it in march 2020 i was a little haded nothing to do an i was in 10th at that time but exam got canceled due to covid so i was free. I had phone in my hands i never searched till that date about p but at that moment i was curious. I searched about p as friends used to talk about it but never searched at that time & i was determined that i will never going to do this type of things and watch this type of shit. I always used to tell my friends that i will never watch this shot in my whole life. But that day i searched about it and saw some pics and i then its next day i sqw a small video and then its next day a bigger and i just started doing it regularly like itās a part of my life. I started that M part on the same day.
After few months i found out that this feeling is not under my control. I am not able to stop this. That pleasure became a curse. I used to say that this is my last rime. Just that last video, just that p star, just with this type of p. Last year i found RC FORUM because of tuku. I read the tukuās diary and he is a youtuber and saw his GOT nfap edit for the 1st time and then i saw other videos. After that you onow what happened. Bro it took me half hour to wrote this . Just hustleā¦
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hole. You know I am just sick of it. I hate doing this. Even I refuse to do this things I canāt control myself. Every thought works simultaneously like I donāt want to search ā ā ā ā but I am still doing it. I goes back but starts to search again. I am watching ā ā ā ā but feeling bad at the same time and tries to stop myself but fails again and again. Today I did worst things and I am so ashamedā:pensive:.
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