Today during my morning meditation question poped out and I was unable to continue. Question was “Am I a man or a boy”. Let me elaborate it a bit more to explain what does this mean.
I am almost 30YO, have decent job in IT, I can take care of myself like I can cook, wash clothes etc. I am trying to change my lifestyle to be more genuine and productive and more myself. I am thinking about my future. Not always, but I set up pension saving, planing to buy a flat, have family all these houghts and actions.
But sometimes I think that I am still a boy. Not like 15YO boy, but adult boy, so lets say 22YO on college with plenty of time/life in front of me and sometimes careless and reckless (as 22YO. I am not reckless / careless anymore, but it is part of most of 22YO “boys” mindset/thinking/being). Basically I am thinking “Sh*t, am I doing things right? I am mature now, WTH am I doing? Am I man enough to be able to start family (even tho I am single now, but you know. You never know.)” or sometimes feeling that “I am not a man YET” pops up in my mind and I start thinking.
I am not trying to dehonest or make younger people more reckless, careless or less responsible, I know a lot of people who are in some fields more mature and responsible then I was their age or as I am now.
There is an saying that you are as old as you feel, but is more for the physicall part of YOU. But this is not like that. It is more like “I sould behave and act like a man as I am a man.” as I do or trying to do for 100% and I am responsible for my actions and I am aware of that. But sometimes there is this uncertanity of decisions or actions or being.
I am not really THAT worried, but it popped in my head and I was unable to continue in meditation and it bothers me if there is something that could be improved or changed or it is totally OK.
Does anyone have/had this mindset or thinking or uncertanity or anything? Does anyone can relate to this? And if you had or can, do you have any advice?
PS: maybe I forgot some thoughts so maybe description of “mental state” or “thinking” is not accurate yet, but main message is there
*PS2: Also I am trying to not compare myself with others, but is is hard as it is fight with “society programming”. Maybe it is caused by these stuff, I am not sure. But I am now thinking about it without any objective answer or anything, so I will stop for now *