yea can’t help it. They’re cute, they’re careless.
Yeah agree. Also if you see a cat when hunting, They have zen like focus. Have lot of attitude.
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Friday, April 16
Happiness comes in waves, it ll find me
- Been feeling down lately. Its been two days. Its not a flatline as im being super productive
- Im missing my ex real bad. Shes the only girl Ive known so closely. The world just feels a blur. As much as a pain in my as she was, I miss her presence. Keeping her bad things aside, she was a great girl.
- Getting things in life, by bad means isnt right. I cheated her. Kept talking to some other girl behind her back. And guess what, that other girl left. Poetic fucking justice. Thats what Ive been thinking lately. She loved me too much and I didn’t love her enough.
- Im constantly stuck between “Is it her fault or mine?”. I don’t know if il find answer. She was possessive, she was always doubting, she didn’t let me have my space. But one thing she always did for sure was love me more than that I deserve.
- She is beautiful. Most beautiful girl ive ever known. I was her first love and maybe I ruined it with my childish immaturity. Maybe I didn’t deserve her
- I have stayed by myself all my life. Ive not had many friends. I was fine. But this loneliness is diff. I have to live with memories. Good ones. Only the good ones come in front of my eyes. Turns out time fades the bad experiences.
- I wish I loved her enough. I wish I made her feel home. I wish I cared enough. I wish she were happy. I wish she never met me. She was fine and maybe she became toxic because of me.
- I can’t sum up how I feel right now. Yes im doing great in my studies. Im pretty much sure il be able to put in >8 hours study in coming days. But I wish she were here.
- I feel vacant. I wish I could cry and let it all out. But I can’t. Its hard to feel human anymore. Its even harder when you don’t feel like sharing. I go out sometimes just to feel real. That I don’t lose myself in my thoughts
- Sleeping is hard. Flashes of memories. Memories of her hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand, resting her head on my shoulders, her staring into my eyes like I was the only thing that mattered to her. I miss being her world.
- Im just sorry. I knw its late. But I am. Im sorry I didn’t contribute enough. Im not saying this bcuz im alone. I don’t knw if anyone could love me as much as she did. Somewhere I don’t wanna believe someone can. She was my first proper relationship. 4 years I was with her. I have woken up to her calls and slept to her calls.
- My phone used to buzz all the time when she was with me. Now all that buzzes my phone is spam. I never realized how big of a part she was of my life. Im an asshole, I know. But Im conscious enough to know that I did wrong by her. Im sorry. Its hard to accept, but Im weak that way. And i don’t care anyone thinks otherwise.
- Had to get this all out. Ive been holding this inside me for weeks. I don’t knw if I will ever see her in my life. I just wish I treated her better. Afterall theres a greater responsibility to protect if you are on the receiving end of Love
Note to self : Take care
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Yea… In few days even that will stop 
… I will be super busy studying sp
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Saturday, April 17
Activity Log
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Phone use - 3 hours
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Hours studied - 6 hours
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Overall a good day
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Recovering for low mood slowly. Need to get more productive
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Well , I have seen you have stopped workout and exercise .
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No actually… I work out every day… Im heading to gym right now
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April 20, Tuesday
Feeling kinda down lately. I have a friend but talking to her also isn’t helping me much. Apparently they are sick and tired of my talks I think. At this point even I would be keeping distancing from myself
But thats not the point. I don’t mind being left alone. Ive never had many friends. But I could’ve really used a genuine friend who cares. I had one. But she fucked it all up by having feelings for me. Yea, I might sound selfish but I had warned her. Nevermind
I miss my ex really bad. I saw a photo of hers and mine. Her arms around me. Like I was her world. Past tense. Past fuckin tense. Have I fucked up for the last time? Thats what I think
I don’t know, if im capable of loving again. Meeting someone, knowing them, understanding inside out, falling in love. Well it might go both ways. Im not one of those guys who girls would think as cute. But I had this girl who loved me for the ugly ass I was. And she was proud of it. I have little tears in my eyes right now. Can’t bear the fact shes out there with someone else.
Last few days have been rollercoster rides for me. Ive been wandering alone, eating alone, drinking alone.
Im a studious guy. I knw I will do well in my studies. My mind and my heart aren’t in sync right now. Theres too much pressure on my heart and I dunno if i can handle it alone. Hoping I can.
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Bro I’ve been where you are before and in my experience it’s one of the worst feelings a man can go through. When my ex left me for someone else I was down bad. Really bad. I didn’t bother with relationship ships for a couple of years. Had zero self esteem and confidence. But then later it all turned up. Another girl asked me and it all changed. I realised that there are a lot more girls who liked me that I thought. And that boosted my confidence. The point I’m trying to get across here is to be patient. Be really patient. And don’t beat yourself up about what happened in the past. Fuck yesterday. You are more than capable of getting into a relationship. It just takes time sometimes. Hold on. Keep going
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Thanks man… Il keep that in mind
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Anytime brother!
Also keep up the alpha thread.
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Yea i will post soon… Have plenty of ideas
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You think that you don’t have much Friends but I Care about you brother, and iam pretty sure a lot others here aswell so hold on better days will come 
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Lockdown me bhi gym? Actual situation is very Bad avoid going to outside @The_wild_perception
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Yea. Gyms are closed now…
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22 April, Thursday, Afternoon
Day 113
I should’ve written down this yesterday but couldn’t. Im actually feeling alot better now. As weird as it may seem, keeping away from people is actually helping me cope up the loneliness better.
Yesterday I had a bittersweet experience I guess. Lately ive not been feeling comfortable sharing what I feel with my close friend too. It does feel like im sharing and its just decoded to her as it all being bullshit. So I decided not to share at all and its been the good thing to do. Not just her but im keeping shit to myself. Im ghostin for good
Coming to the experience, yesterday I got a dm from a person I didn’t know. Turns out she knew me from gym and had seen me talking to her friends. But I never talked or knew her. So I asked her why did she text. At first I thought this is another nasty prank by my ex where she texted me from another account. But it wasn’t this time. Anyway the person told me she knew from gym and she asked me all of a sudden “You don’t believe in god right?”… I was taken aback. I was like yes I don’t and asked her why she thought that.
She told she recently lost her dad to a heart attack. I felt really bad as I had talked rudely thinking it was my ex pranking me again. I apologized and did my best to comfort her in this tough time for her. I asked her what made her text me, a literal stranger, with whom she never talked.
She said “I felt you would understand how im feeling, so I texted you” (paraphrasing).
I felt happy(bittersweet). It just meant alot to me that I give out such a homely vibe. She felt ok to open
about how sad she felt about the whole thing , with me. I was happy I could be with her in her tough time. For a moment, I realized that everyone goes through pain. But the pain of not getting to express how you are feeling is even worse.
I felt honored. I felt like a good person in a very long time. I soothed the wound atleast for the time being by being there, listening to her grief. For a moment I felt im doing good. I hope she feels better.
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Well you seem like a good chap, that’s why she texted.
Be careful though , if you share your fellings and thoughts with the wrong person, it’s s tool for em and could get you in trouble.
Having someone to talk to during tough times is comforting but if you push those feelings inside, you will be secure for a while but when your hard shell cracks, they will pour out like a river.
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He takes, he jumps and he scores!!!
GG man!!! No matter what, hold your frame! 
Get the girl bro! Make sure your texting game is on point!
But still, I’d just say this. Either her game is really bad or shes a bit Sus. If she’s into you, talking about her father’s death is hardly the way to go about it. Besides nobody really texts a random stranger to share the pain of losing a family member, let’s be honest. That shit is as personal as it gets. Also questioning your faith in God is also a bit Sus.
Yo, if you feel that she’s one of them Jehovah’s witnesses recruit, don’t think, just run ok😂. I mean its a possibility but also the worst case scenario.
Just be on your guard, but keep texting. Who knows, it might be the girl for you! Peace out homie!
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I actually asked her more and turns out I knw her face… But I used to talk to one of her frnds… Im talkative when im in gym… So she thought i might respond well I guess… I just said whenever shes fine, il be there to listen…
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