Hello, guys and gals. In this topic I will share my thoughts, experiences, feelings, etc. I really enjoy participating in the challenges, however, from this moment on, I’ll only check in in them. I’ll share more information here.
A bit of context:
Who am I and how I came to be?
As of the time of writing this, I am a 31 years-old male, last year medical student. I had friends until the age of around 10, when a really traumatic experience happened and I stopped going and playing with other kids.
What was the incident, you might ask. I live in a very tall building, in an appartment on the 11th floor. Once I was cleaning the balcony with a wet rag and squeezed the same rag over the ground below. Water fell down, however I didn’t know that older kids were passing by at the same time. So, the water landed on one of them. He looked up and saw me and was very furious.
Later that day, while I was playing with my friends, the same boy saw me, came to me and told me he wanted to push me in a pond in order to avenge for what I did. I told him I was sorry and that it was an accident and I didn’t want this to happen. He forgave me. I thought everything was ok.
However, the next day this boy’s litle brother and his friends, who are also older than me gathered around me while I was playing with my friends and bullied me physically and verbally. I was terrified and ashamed in front of everybody. So, I decided from that moment on to leave home only when absolutely neccessary and to talk to noone. I was hiding my stress. My parents and my brothers knew nothing. My friends still invited me to go out with them, but I always found an excuse not to because of fear of being bullied. With time they stopped looking for me and I stopped looking for them. What I did was staying inside and watching the ceiling or playing on the computer or reading books.
I am and have always been a very emotional guy. I can’t and I wish not to play tough. If I am anxious, I will be anxious and everyone will see it. A small stressogen can make me emotionally overwhelmed. Also, I have always touched my wee wee unconsciously, when I felt psychologically overstimulated. When my parents saw this, they shouted at me. When my classmates saw this, they made fun of me; actually, when I was 12, my whole school knew about this and I was the laughing stock of every kid - younger and older than me.
I felt ashamed for something that was always a part of me. With time I trained myself not to touch my wee wee, but I still touched it a lot and masturbated a lot. I literally had no friends and no emotional support from noone. At the age of 12 I thought I will die lonely, with noone to care about me, with no girlfriend. I was very sad about this. At that time I found the magic of p and started masturbating. It felt awesome. The feeling was great. And it repressed all my thoughts of loneliness in a world full of monsters and abominations.
I don’t want to talk bad things about my parents, but they also contributed a lot. They played the biggest role in this picture. They love me a lot and they genuinely care about me, but they really messed me up as well.
Long story short: me, 31yo, no friends, lonely, depressed, p was my coping mechanism
I started dating my girlfriend about 2 months ago and the fact that I love her very much motivated me to start this journey and not to give up.
What is my goal?
- To cure myself completely from p I define it as 459 days of nofap. At the time of writing this, I’m on day 53.
- To finish my medical education.
- After 2. to move out from my parents’ appartment into an appartment of my own.
If you read all of this, I sincerely thank you. Feel free to come here and contribute.