The tao of basanaruga

Hello, guys and gals. In this topic I will share my thoughts, experiences, feelings, etc. I really enjoy participating in the challenges, however, from this moment on, I’ll only check in in them. I’ll share more information here.

A bit of context:
Who am I and how I came to be?

As of the time of writing this, I am a 31 years-old male, last year medical student. I had friends until the age of around 10, when a really traumatic experience happened and I stopped going and playing with other kids.

What was the incident, you might ask. I live in a very tall building, in an appartment on the 11th floor. Once I was cleaning the balcony with a wet rag and squeezed the same rag over the ground below. Water fell down, however I didn’t know that older kids were passing by at the same time. So, the water landed on one of them. He looked up and saw me and was very furious.

Later that day, while I was playing with my friends, the same boy saw me, came to me and told me he wanted to push me in a pond in order to avenge for what I did. I told him I was sorry and that it was an accident and I didn’t want this to happen. He forgave me. I thought everything was ok.

However, the next day this boy’s litle brother and his friends, who are also older than me gathered around me while I was playing with my friends and bullied me physically and verbally. I was terrified and ashamed in front of everybody. So, I decided from that moment on to leave home only when absolutely neccessary and to talk to noone. I was hiding my stress. My parents and my brothers knew nothing. My friends still invited me to go out with them, but I always found an excuse not to because of fear of being bullied. With time they stopped looking for me and I stopped looking for them. What I did was staying inside and watching the ceiling or playing on the computer or reading books.

I am and have always been a very emotional guy. I can’t and I wish not to play tough. If I am anxious, I will be anxious and everyone will see it. A small stressogen can make me emotionally overwhelmed. Also, I have always touched my wee wee unconsciously, when I felt psychologically overstimulated. When my parents saw this, they shouted at me. When my classmates saw this, they made fun of me; actually, when I was 12, my whole school knew about this and I was the laughing stock of every kid - younger and older than me.

I felt ashamed for something that was always a part of me. With time I trained myself not to touch my wee wee, but I still touched it a lot and masturbated a lot. I literally had no friends and no emotional support from noone. At the age of 12 I thought I will die lonely, with noone to care about me, with no girlfriend. I was very sad about this. At that time I found the magic of p :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: and started masturbating. It felt awesome. The feeling was great. And it repressed all my thoughts of loneliness in a world full of monsters and abominations.

I don’t want to talk bad things about my parents, but they also contributed a lot. They played the biggest role in this picture. They love me a lot and they genuinely care about me, but they really messed me up as well.

Long story short: me, 31yo, no friends, lonely, depressed, p :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: was my coping mechanism

I started dating my girlfriend about 2 months ago and the fact that I love her very much motivated me to start this journey and not to give up.

What is my goal?

  1. To cure myself completely from p :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: I define it as 459 days of nofap. At the time of writing this, I’m on day 53.
  2. To finish my medical education.
  3. After 2. to move out from my parents’ appartment into an appartment of my own.

If you read all of this, I sincerely thank you. Feel free to come here and contribute.

12 Likes

27.11.2022
Streak: 54/459

Nothing special happened today. I was a bit anxious, but that was all. I think that this anxiety is a symptom of my psyche adjusting itself to its normal, pre p :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: state of functioning. The process is going in stages. And each stage starts with uncomfortable feelings. That’s for today. Now I’m going back to hitting the books.

3 Likes

28.11.2022
Streak: 55/459

Yesterday I was wondering whether I want to go to a student’s day ball or not with my girlfriend. After a lot of thinking, I decided YES. The true question for me was not going or not, but rather am I scared to go and can I take the responsibility of my decision. I have never been in a relationship of this sort before and I get easily scared by new things. But in reality there was nothing to be afraid of. I bought two tickets for the event and now I’m excited! It looks like we are going to celebrate the student’s day in my home town of Pleven, Bulgaria. Everything will be all rights. It’s me that colors the picture in dark tones. But I’m changing that.

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Why exactly 459 days? :smiley: Good luck man, I wish you all the best with your medical career!

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I read several years ago on YBOP, that 15 full months are required for a full recovery. 459 days are 15 months +/- several days.

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29.11.2022
Streak: 56/459

I feel tired, anxious and horny. It’s like I have been having a several-day-long urge. But I didn’t succumb. And I’m still not succumbing. I thought these things ended about a month ago, when I first started having them and then they disappeared. But it looks like they keep coming back from time to time. But the other cool thing is that from time to time I become stronger and urges and black thoughts don’t bother me.
I’ll probably be having long lasting urges. I just have become so used to them that I don’t feel them anymore. I think it’s up to me now. It has always been. My point is that I have the power to either continue or relapse. Both paths look equally accessible and I am the one to choose on which one to step and continue journeying.
I’m choosing the path of nofap. It will be very easy to diverge and relapse - it’s one extension of the hand away. But guess what - NOT!!!
I hope in the future things will change and the circumstances will be more in my favor. Although I have journeyed so far(56 days), I still have a long way to go. And I think I’m just beginning to shine. Maybe on day 112 I will feel differently. I can’t control everything. Nofap will be surprising me.

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Bullying hurts very severely…The only way is frogivenss and feel sorry for the bully (who is typically a person who is severely bully and have lot of childhood trauma ) …break the chain of bullying ,by not succumbing to the patterns of bullying to relive own self …and p*** is the worst coping mechanisms,pure work of devil ,to keep us away from our soul …

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30.11.2022
Streak: 57/459

November almost finished. NNN is mine! This is my first NNN challenge that I finished successfully. And I’m so proud of myself. Today I dated my girlfriend. We watched a movie at home and cuddled a lot. I still feel her hands on my back. It was so beautiful. I didn’t want the moment to finish. But I have to study for my state exam. And she has to travel, because she is from another town and she doesn’t have an accomodation here. And she has to study as well - she is a medical student like me. The neverending(in my opinion) urge continues. And I continue not succumbing to it. I’m so powerful right now, that the urge doesn’t bother me at all. I can study, I can work out, I can go out shopping for groceries, etc…

The day was OK.

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Medical hygiene, social medicine, epidemiology and infections. 4 in one. I study at the medical school in my home town(Pleven).

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01.12.2022
Streak: 58/459

No Nut November is completely finished now.
What I realised, is that I’m a sexual being. As a man, I’m genetically conditioned to think about sex, to look for sex and enjoy sex. I like women. I like how they look. I like how they feel like. I enjoy their bodies, their curves. I like the sense of a woman. I like how women stimulate my nervous system. It’s amazing.

To reject this is to reject a huge part of my humanity and my manliness. My brain doesn’t differentiate a real woman from a virtual one. And since my visual modality is very strengthened, I’m prone to develop attraction to some visual stimuli - for example pictures of naked ladies, a.k.a. p :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting:

What I’m trying to say is, that urges are a natural thing and trying to repress them will only make them worse. In my opinion, accepting urges and letting them flow through our bodies is the key to freedom. Urges, I think, are nothing more than a freak - a highly warped sexuality, a deformed sexual desire. It’s up to us to let them come in, rest inside us and transform into somethin healthy.

5 Likes

03.12.2022
Streak: 60/459

There was nothing interesting going on with me for the last days. I reached 2 months clean. The last time I did this was 7 years ago(almost). I haven’t had depressing thoughts in a long time. I don’t know why, but nofap feels like a psychotherapy. The longer I refrain myself from watching p :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting:, the wiser I become. I don’t consider myself very wise indeed, but one day, I hope, I will get there.

4 Likes

04.12.2022
Streak: 61/459

I had a long, but weak urge today. I just let it slide through me and go away. It went away. I also had a lot of black thoughts, that just went away and now I feel emotionally OK. I experienced them before many times and I know they are false, just a manifestation of my imagination and prejudice. But every time they feel real. Maybe my way is not the best, but I always let them just go through me and go away. Fighting everything will make it only worse. The best I can do in my opinion is to delay or to lessen the pain a bit with meditation or working out. But never to radically eliminate. These things are like neighbours with whom I have to live together in the same neighbourhood. Maybe there are better ways, but I’m not aware of them. So far humble acceptance works for me. It’s been 61 days, after all.

Also, I just realized that my normal sexual function is starting to manifest again. I started having spontanious erections, caused just by thinking about sex. Also, I feel like my fetishes, caused by watching too much p :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: :face_vomiting: have vanished. I tested the last by watching different genres of pictures for several moments. And guess what - fetish pics caused nothing. Normal pictures caused slight excitement. I’m not doing this again. It was just for self diagnostic purposes. I have a girlfriend and I’m not planning to replace her with garbage.

I’m happy about this fact. I’m getting cleaner and cleaner with time. In fact, 459 days are probably too much for me. Maybe I will get fully cleaned way before that. But I don’t know when. I’ll probably know when this moment comes.

Peace and love to all :v:

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Hey there buddy :wave:
It has been a while since you’ve posted. How are you doing?

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I’m fine, thank you. Just nothing interesting is happening around me, that’s why I haven’t been posting for quite a while.

1 Like

10.12.2022
Streak: 67/459

23 more days and I reach the sacral 90. I haven’t posted in a while, because nothing interesting has been happening. Yesterday me and my girlfriend went to a ball to celebrate the bulgarian student’s holiday. It was pretty OK. We are both introverts and the loud sound made our skulls vibrate. But we had fun. We ate, danced and took a lot of photos. We are both older than the average student in our university, because we both started studying medicine later in our lives for different reasons. I’m 31, she is 29. The average 5th year med student at home is 24.
Because of this we both got relatively easily tired and went home “early” - only 00:30. I don’t know where the others went, but judging by the average performance, they’ve had fun for a long, long time.

For the last several days I didn’t have huge urges. I only once had an episode of black thoughts. But it was manageable. I didn’t sleep well too. Yesterday I drank coffee late and consumed white wine at the ball. Maybe tonight I will get a good night sleep. It was worthy, though. I have never had so much fun. At parties I am usually the guy who sits at the table and stares at the abyss for 2 hours. This time I had the time of my life and it was awesome.

Only 67 days of nofap and I feel like my emotional maturity has skyrocketed.

5 Likes

11.12.2022
Streak: 68/459

Just a thought of mine. I have shared it aorund the forum, but I’ll share it here as well.

I don’t think there is an easy way out of the PMO addiction. If you’re like me - a veteran of 19(nineteen) years, you either will suffer the symptoms of abstinence, or continue PMOing, thus ruining your life and sexual drive. I wanted to put an end to this once and for all. I’m on day 68 and I still have urges and black thoughts from time to time. And I don’t think they will ever disappear. It’s up to me and me alone to deal with them. Not fight - deal. Because fighting will make the picture only worse.
So, I stuck to this decision. At the beginning(days 1 till 30) I had huge, titanic urges and unspeakably powerful episodes of depression and anxiety. Well, not exactly. I mean, days 1 till 16 were OK. But from 17 to 30 were hell for me.
Now I’m OK. Although I still have urges and small episodes of anxiety, I manage them quite well. Mainly because I realised my black thoughts, powered by my anxiety, are 99.9999% untrue. I bought a stapler, and I staple a piece of paper every time I have a black thought and it doesn’t come true. It has 28 staples on it, so far. Every time I look at it, I feel better, when an anxiety episode comes in.

I want to say way, way more, but I don’t want to now, because I want to go to sleep. Peace and love.

You can do it!

:fist: :v:

3 Likes

12.12.2022
Streak: 69(wink wink)/459

I realised I have emotional issues. The black thoughts I have been having were not a result of the abstinence, but from me. I just have been repressing them and now they are free to manifest, whenever they want.

I have alaways been a very emotional guy with a tendency to respond with anxiety to almost everything. From when I was a kid until now. I know I can not eliminate these feelings for good. And I don’t have a proper toolset to deal with them. My natural way of coping is just to let them go through me and pass. But they keep coming back again and again.

What I did today, was to accept this fact. It’s not much in my opinion, but it’s a good start. I’ll have to read my book about cognitive behavioural therapy again - it has a chapter about anxiety and depression.

I have a lot to go through. I mean that nofap isn’t enough for me to transform into something new and more mature. But so far it’s giveing me the will to start working on it. I will try alone. With looking inside me and with self-help books. If I don’t manage, I will seek a help from a professional.

P.S. I have read a lot about psychology. But I can’t say I know very much. What I know, however, is that pride is a defence mechanism. It protects from shame. Acting tough, like a one-man army, is an example. I have been acting like this in this forum, What I’m trying to say is, that I’m scared and I need help. I don’t know where to start. And how to start. And what to do, Nofap gives me the will to change. But I have no clue how to.

3 Likes

Take cold showers.
Not only because of the physical benefits, but also for the psychological benefits. The will to experience something new and pushing yourself to discomfort will make you a lot braver to face real life problems.

Meditate.
Meditation is meditating and mastering time. Meditation will make you listen to your body from inside, to your soul and it’s deep emotions. Meditation will bring you true inner peace. Take a look at this image with your heart:

Do not focus on the storm outside. Try to look carefully.
Can you see that happy old man in the house? That’s the true meaning of inner peace for he doesn’t show any signs of anxiety or fear Infront of the storm.

These are my words to you and I hope that they will open your eyes for understanding the messing peace of puzzle.

1 Like

Thank you. I will meditate and take cold showers.

2 Likes

13.12.2022
Streak: 69/180

I’m checking a bit earlier today. I went to the university, then I rode the fitness bike, took a cold shower, went shopping with my mother and finally I meditated. I haven’t been meditating for about 6 years and I had forgotten what wonders meditation could do. From this moment on, I’ll find time to meditate every day. No matter if it will be for 5 or 25 minutes. While I was meditating, I reached deep down within myself and I think I know now what I must do.

Sadly, I can’t explain what I understood. The language I speak with myself is one that only I can understand. And I think mainly in pictures and feelings. Rarely in linguistics. I have been repressing a lot within me, due to different reasons. And I just started accepting them. I must let them manifest bit by bit. It won’t happen suddenly - it will require some time, but it will happen.

Now I have three main goals:

  1. Reach at least 180 days of nofap. Then I will set the goal to infinity.
  2. Lose some weight. Not that I’m fat at the moment. At the beginning of the year, I weighed 108 kilograms. I was a walking meatball. Now I weigh 83. For my height of 187 centimeters it’s quite right on. My goal is to reach below 80. I’m not sure whether I will reach this within the end of this year. But I’m absolutely sure that I can reach it some day.
  3. Reach the level of perception of the world I used to have when I was a small boy. I’ll achieve this with meditation and acceptance of my qualities bit by bit. I’ll use CBT and NLP techniques to do so.

Peace! :v: :+1:

3 Likes