I’m alright thanks 
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Daily Entry, August 14, 2024 Day 6
Hey! I hope everyone is doing well! Today was good in a lot of ways, but I’ve still found myself fighting that melancholy feeling that I was talking about. I don’t know if that’s just me as a person, or if that has anything to do with not giving in to masturbation. I know that my body craves that dopamine hit, but I’m not willing to give it to myself at such a high cost. I’m still going to keep fighting it, because I know that these feelings won’t last forever.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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Daily Entry, August 15, 2024 Day 7
Hey! I hope everyone is doing well on here! Today at work was…eh, kinda mixed. It had some good parts to it, but the situation that I mentioned before kinda made things crummy. But that’s another story. This forum is about quitting pornography and masturbation, not workplace drama 
. Outside of work, it’s actually been a pretty good day! I had an urge first thing this morning, and I really wanted to give in, until I realized, I DON’T want to give in. You may say, “That makes no sense,” but what I mean is that even though my mind is addicted to that dopamine rush, deep down inside, I don’t really want to give in to masturbation. As I’ve said many times, it’s a blood-sucking leach, and it’s never truly made me happy. I’ve done a fair share of praying and asking God to help me to overcome this addiction, and that has been the biggest help.
Warning: Emotional Unload! Writer is not responsible for time wasted reading this portion of this post. Reader’s discretion is advised.
I’ve also had to talk to myself as if I were talking to someone else trapped in this addiction and remind myself that even though I’ve had some moments where I’ve felt lousy, that masturbation isn’t going to make me feel better. I don’t know if that’s what you call “being kind to yourself” or what, but even that’s helped me a little bit. In general, I find myself being harsh with myself because I feel like 1: that others are going to be harsh with me, or 2: others already harbor harsh sentiments about me. It’s like I use it as a defense mechanism. And when this exhausting defense mechanism wears me down, then I resort to a “comforting” mechanism (e.g., masturbation). This is just me getting my thoughts out there, but a lot of times I run on the assumption that either the people that I think are close to me are going to get tired of me, or eventually I’ll go too far one day, and then they’ll desert me. I know that’s crazy talk, and that it’s not true, I know that I have people in my life that love and care about me. I don’t know where this fear has originated, but it’s sometimes hard to fight.
What makes matters worse is when life throws you a false affirmation of this line of thinking, and you run into someone that does this to you. Recently, I’ve had to deal with someone difficult who has displayed this sort of behavior in my personal life, and it makes me question myself as a person. “Was it my fault? Did I just go too far? What should have I done different? Is it beyond repair? Am I beyond help? Should I try to apologize for whatever behavior made them feel that way? Should I just leave it alone?”. And so on, and so on.
I know this part is just oversharing. I guess this is the part of my post that’s really like a diary to me. I’ve really needed to get some of my thoughts out there. Now you may ask, “Well why don’t you just write these things down in a physical journal?”. Well in the past, my attempts at a physical journal haven’t been successful. I start one for a little bit, shove it in a drawer somewhere, and then maybe a few months down the line, I find it, and might write something in it. As a matter of fact, as I’m typing this out, I have one in my nightstand drawer that I started once, and I can’t even remember my last entry. I have a hard time staying motivated to write in a physical journal. Same with writing one on Microsoft Word. I have a monument to my failure to keep up with journaling on my computer somewhere. But on here, I feel a motivation to keep writing. It does me good. Plus, I also get to read about other people’s struggles, and I don’t feel so alone anymore.
Something That Masturbation Gives
So I’ve talked about what masturbation steals, but like a squirrel, or a rat, it leaves something else in the place of what it takes. Something that it leaves behind is a false connection. As you can probably tell from my post tonight (unless you fell asleep while reading it, in which case I can’t blame you 
), I struggle with finding real, meaningful connection with people. I can make a little bit of small talk, or I can get them to talking a lot of times; but I rarely feel that deep connection with people that I really want. I’m afraid sometimes to let them see the real me. I have seen on here others who have a similar struggle in their lives.
Macrophilia came into my life, and it didn’t start out as degrading at first. It started out as a connection with someone else. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t real; it just mattered that she (whatever type of giantess that I chose to fantasize about) noticed me in spite of my insignificance. It was like she had picked me out of all the people in the world to pay attention to, and to make me feel special. But the problem is that as my addiction grew (no pun intended), her nature changed. Now it was about satisfying her needs, and how they had to be met right then. No longer was she a gentle and caring giantess: now she was a monster. And so here I am trying to meet the needs of an imaginary person, who doesn’t even care for me.
You see, I got into this thing out of loneliness, and instead of it meeting my need, it just added to my need even more. It’s like giving a glass of salt to a thirsty man. I crave a true connection with someone, and instead, I get an increased sense of loneliness, and increased anxiety. Wow! What a Deal! 
Currently, when I feel disconnected, that’s when I feel the most tempted to turn back to masturbation. Like I said in a recent post, it’s like masturbation is standing there saying, “Come on, just one more chance! You’ll see! It won’t be like before! We can be happy together, just one more chance!”. It reminds me of the old Peanuts comic strips where Lucy would trick Charlie Brown into trying to kick the football, and at the last moment, she’d pull it away from him. That’s what masturbation does with us.
What’s the cure? The truth. We tell ourselves that nobody understands us, and that we’re some kind of lone wolf. But the truth is that even when nobody else sees us, or understands, or even cares, there is One Who always cares! Even when I’m down, and I’m feeling these crummy feelings, I know that Jesus sees me, and He cares for me. When I’m down, He doesn’t kick the dirt on top of me, but He picks me back up, and puts me back on the pathway! Masturbation says, “Without me, you’re all alone!”; but Jesus says, “With Me, you’re never alone!” And that’s the promise that He made in the very end of the book of Matthew: “…and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”
Conclusion
(Okay, you can wake up, now ) So in short, I may struggle with these feelings of abandonment, and melancholy; but a good dose of the truth reminds me that I’m not truly alone with Jesus at my side! I don’t want to give up! I want to keep fighting this battle! I know that it is the will of God for me to not turn to masturbation in my time of trouble.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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If you’re like me, it’s easy to fall into feelings of melancholy within the first week or so of a relapse. I think we have talked about that before.
I also think a lot of us struggle with finding meaningful connections with other people. I have heard that is is becoming a more common struggle overall in our society, partly (they think) due to the social media culture. It’s really easy to have superficial relationships. We can easily get out of practice when it comes to real ones.
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Daily Entry, August 16, 2024 Day 8
Hey! I hope everyone is doing well! Today was a better day. I had an urge this morning, but through the help of the Lord, I was able to fight it. Work started out the same as yesterday, but by the end of the day, things started getting a little better. I’m not saying that the problem is completely resolved, but it was a lot easier to work today than it has been all week, and for that, I humbly thank God!
One of the things that I did during the day as I worked is that I sang some old hymns to myself. You may think me a little strange for doing that, but honestly, I felt that it helped me a lot today. I know that King David wrote in the book of Psalms, “But thou art holy, O Thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.”. I believe that when we praise God, even in song, that God is right there with us! I know that He’s always present with us in our struggles, but there’s something about the way that He manifests Himself to us in our worship of Him. I’m not sure I can explain the feeling, but there’s nothing that can compare!
I still find myself wasting a lot more time than I really should. I’d like to see myself more productive in the coming week than I have been this week.
@MrSam105 It seems like we have. It’s sad, but after this past relapse, I feel like there’s some things that I’ve had to learn all over again. But I’ve still held on to a few things that I learned from last time. Today has proven to me that these feelings won’t last forever.
I think you’re right about that. Sometimes I fear trying to make new connections with people. As crazy as it sounds, even when I first came here on the forums, I was very nervous about trying to talk to anyone on here. Even in my daily life, I sometimes have a hard time making myself talk to people, not out of snobbery, but out of fear of rejection. I’ve experience rejection in the past, as we all have, and my mind tries to tell me that all of my future experiences will end in the same way. That’s something I’d like to see change in my life!
One more thing I want to say before I sign off for tonight: Thank you to all of you who have been an encouragement and shown kindness to me since I’ve been here on the forums! I really do appreciate it, and I thank God for you all! May God Truly Bless You In Your Fight!
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I agree with @MrSam105 , i had a work mate lamenting the other day that he doesn’t have many real friends. I only have 1 real friend that i see regularly (a church friend) and 0 non church friends. Like Mr Sam said, people just don’t seem to connect pst the stage of acquaintance anymore. If you look, there are more and more people experiencing this.
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Daily Entry, August 17, 2024 Day 9
Hey, I hope everyone is doing well tonight! Today I had a few more urges, but I was able to conquer them through the help of the Lord. I know that He is my strength in this journey. Overall, I had a good day. I’ve felt a little lonely, but not as deeply sad as I have in the previous days, so that’s a good thing.
Let Me Get Something Off Of My Mind Tonight (Warning: May Be Triggering To Some Readers. Reader’s Discretion is Advised.)
Okay, now I know that I said that last time I had a long, boring story to tell, but tonight, this is one that’s truly bothered me. Maybe I’ll seem overly dramatic telling it, but I have to get it off of my mind. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t going to post tonight, and I was going to post early in the morning, until this happened. Anyways, I’ll stop rambling, and get on to what I wanted to say.
So, let me start by asking a question: have you ever seen something traumatizing as a kid that still has a profound effect on you to this day? Maybe it’s something that to most people wouldn’t be so terrible, but still, you have a struggle with that memory. Well, I have something like that that happened to me when I was 8 or 9, I can’t remember exactly how old I was, and this is my story of it.
So, in case you can’t tell from my posts, I grew up in a Christian household. To this day, I myself am a Christian, and I have no regrets about that. Trusting in Jesus as my Saviour is the best thing I have ever done, and I’ll stand on that! But growing up in the household that I did, my parents had a few books and videos regarding some sensitive topics that honestly were too mature for me to be messing with. In this case, regarding the dangers of the occult. Foolishly, I watched one of these videos, and the imagery that was portrayed was very accurate for the subject. As I said, much too mature for an 8- or 9-year-old kid. I honestly don’t know how to describe the feeling that I felt except to say that it felt like the presence of pure evil.
When I tried to go to bed, all I could see were the images from the video that I had seen, and I just sat up and started screaming in fear. I remember my Mom and my Dad came and tried to calm me down, and I remember my Mom reading to me from the book of Psalms until I got calmed down, and finally fell asleep. It was only the grace of God that I didn’t have any nightmares that night when I fell asleep.
But the thing is, after that night, I still had a hard time going to sleep at night. I didn’t sit up in bed screaming or anything afterwards, but I could not go to sleep in a darkened room, even with a night light on. Every night, I would have to have something relaxing playing on TV (maybe an old TV show, or a kids’ movie or a cartoon, just anything that was familiar and comforting). This went on for a few years, until I got up about maybe 12 or 13. Even after that, most nights I would turn something on to block out the memories of what I saw that night.
Now you may say, “Big deal, we all watched scary movies as kids, or were afraid of the dark. Whoop-de-doo! Who cares? Why are you mentioning it now?”. Well, it’s not very often, it’s an extremely rare occasion, but every once in a while, I run across something that triggers me and reminds me of that night. Again, I’m not sitting up in bed screaming, but I feel almost paralyzed whenever I’m triggered by something. Honestly, I feel like screaming, but I know that’s not a logical reaction. It’s more of a feeling than anything else. I feel so scared that I’m even afraid to move.
Tonight, I had a moment like that. I ran across something that gave me that feeling, and it was hard for me to get unwound. The only thing that I knew to do was to pray and ask Jesus to help me with this, because I know that in His Word, it says that He hasn’t given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. I don’t have that paralyzed feeling right now, but even as I write this, I’m still mildly shook up, but I’m a lot better than I was.
Let me say that my intentions in writing this is not to type up some poorly-written creepypasta or something. This is something that legitimately has bothered me in my life. Like I say, it’s not a daily occurrence by any means, but on an extremely rare occasion, I’ll be bothered by it. My one comfort in these moments is to know that God is greater than any of those things that I witnessed that night. The Kingdom of God has victory over the kingdom of darkness. Even though these things may bother me from time to time, I know that I have a refuge in God, and He is always there to comfort me.
Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read this, and to see a bit of a very vulnerable part of my life. I don’t know that I’ve discussed this with anyone outside of my household in this kind of detail. I’m sorry if I sound like some sort of a lunatic or something with everything that I’ve written here. I felt like I just had to get it out because it was really bothering me this evening. I trust that this community will respond with understanding, and I thank you all for it.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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@Jasonforwin Yeah, same here for me. I mainly get to see my best friend at church on Sundays and Wednesday night prayer meeting. We get to do some stuff together outside of church sometimes, but both of our work schedules stay so busy that it’s hard to do that often. I think most people are either too busy, or too afraid to go beyond acquaintanceship to form deep friendships nowadays.
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Daily Entry, August 18, 2024 Day 10
Hey! I hope everything is going well! Today was a very good day today! We had a guest preacher at church today for both our morning service and our evening service, and he preached out of John 8 and out of Exodus 15. As far as urges go, I haven’t had any major urges. It’s been a really good day, and I thank God for it! I know they’re not all like today, and some days are an uphill climb, but I’m thankful for the days like today that are refreshing!
I thank you all for your prayers for me last night. Once I got to sleep last night, I had one of the best night’s rests that I’ve had in a long time! I thank God for the peace that He gives us in the time of trouble!
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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Daily Entry, August 19, 2024 Day 11
Hey, I hope everyone is doing well tonight! Last night, after I put up my post on here, I had a strong urge when I went to bed. And honestly, it was the kind of urge that in the past I would have given in to. But instead of giving in to it, I went in the living room and slept on the couch. I figured that I would be less tempted to masturbate if I was in a more open space where my family would be able to see me. Today was pretty good, and I haven’t had a lot of urges today. I did a little straightening up in my room, and I did a little…laundry 
(I know, shocking, right? ). My room is far from what I’d like it to be, but it’s getting better slowly.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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Daily Entry, August 20, 2024 Day 12
Hey! I hope everyone is doing well tonight! Today was pretty good, but I noticed I felt really tired. I did work in my room a little bit, but I didn’t get as much done as I’d like to have gotten done. But it’s getting a little better. As far as urges, I will admit that urges have gotten stronger today. But I know that’s to be expected at this stage of my streak. I’ve had to pray and ask God to help me in facing this temptation, and I’ve also tried to remind myself of not only the misery that masturbation brings, but the pleasure that not relapsing brings. It’s just as important to remember the positive effects as it is to remember the negative effects of giving in. Both, I think are equally important. If you forget the positive, the fight will seem like nothing but a constant struggle with no reward. If you forget the negative, you’ll focus on the pleasure of masturbation and forget about how awful it feels when you give in to it. Don’t ever forget these two things.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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Daily Entry, August 21, 2024 Day 13
Hey! I hope that everything is going well for y’all tonight! Today was a really good day today! I got off work early, and I was able to get some things done that I wouldn’t have been able to get done otherwise. I haven’t had much trouble with urges today, and I thank God for that! Like I’ve said before, I know that not all days are like this, but I want to be able to be thankful for and enjoy them when they do come!
This Is Something That Has Lead Me Into More Relapses Than Anything Else:
Okay, so like I said, today I haven’t had a lot of trouble with urges today; but I’ve found this to be something when I have had urges. One of the things that I’ve found to be a trap for me is fantasizing about what it will be like to have a wife one day. Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married, and it’s even biblical. After all, Solomon wrote in Proverbs 18:22a, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing…”. But I think the reason it’s a trap for me, is that it stems out of a dissatisfaction with my current state. Now don’t get me wrong, overall I think I’m pretty blessed, and I have a good and loving family. But I think that sometimes I’ve almost idolized marriage in my life. “If I don’t eventually get married, then my life will be meaningless, and I’ll never be happy.”
Whether we get married one day or not is not the point. I used to want to stop masturbating long enough to find a wife, and then that would solve all my problems. I think that’s a wrong mindset. Whether we ever get married or not, masturbation is still wrong. I think that it’s definitely a good thing to quit if you are wanting to pursue a marriage. After all, it stands to reason that if you’re struggling with it now, you’ll probably be struggling with it after you’re married. But it’s not the sole reason we quit pornography and masturbation. Never lose track of what the purpose and the goal is: to walk in sexual purity before God! We do this all for Him!
As for my problem with fantasizing, I have to remind myself of Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:34, “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”. In other words, “Don’t worry about it.” That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t plan for the future, but we shouldn’t fret over it. In the mean time, I know that my struggle with masturbation is something I can be working on, as well as many other issues I have (we won’t get into that tonight 
). But seriously, I can be working on all those things in the meantime, and if one day God blesses me with a marriage, I’ll be a little more prepared for it.
Let me say one more thing, and then I’ll shut up, and you can get back to that game of Angry Birds that you were playing (or Pac-Man, if you’re like me). One of the best things that we can learn to do while we’re single is to be happy. I’m not saying to give up on marriage and get over it; but if we’re not happy now, marriage isn’t going to fix that. It’ll come with its own ups and downs, and if we haven’t found happiness in our singleness, we will end up carrying that unresolved unhappiness into our marriage. I believe that true happiness comes from having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Tough times come and go, but He is always there in the middle of them with us! The best thing I could tell you to do is to look to Him!
(We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming Thank y’all for reading!)
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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Daily Entry, August 22, 2024 Day 14
Hey, I hope everyone is doing well this evening! Today was pretty good, with very little urges.
But this evening, I’ve had a little bit of anxiety over an upcoming social event. I shouldn’t really worry about socializing, but sometimes I’m afraid to. Now if I know some of the people there, or we’re in a common setting (for example, work, church, etc.), I can also do a little better with that. But when it’s somewhere I’ve never been, it makes it a little harder for me.
I know it may seem silly, but I know it will be alright. I know that God is with me in all of my situations. But if you think about me, please pray for me. Pray that God would give me peace, and even guidance with this upcoming event.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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Daily Entry, August 23, 2024 Day 15
Hey! I hope everyone is doing well! Today was pretty good! Everyone at work was actually getting along pretty well, so that part was good! Nothing really stressful. I haven’t dealt with a whole lot of urges, but I also know I’m only 15 days in. But I’ll tell you something strange: it doesn’t even feel like 15 days. On previous streaks (with maybe the exception of the last one), I’ve looked at my counter, and thought, "Ugh! I’ll never make it back to (X) amount of days! 
". But this time, I’ve not really had that feeling about my streak. I’ve had some “bad days”, and I’ve shared about them on here, but concerning the urge to masturbate, it’s like I feel as if resisting it is another part of the day, like taking a shower, or brushing my teeth, or getting dressed. It doesn’t feel like something that I’m just doing for a little bit; it feels like something that’s a part of my normal life, and I think that’s a good thing! I used to make masturbating, especially around bedtime, a normal part of my life, and now dealing with the urges effectively is more of a part of my life. I give credit to God for helping me make it this far!
As far as productivity, I did do something that may seem small, but it was encouraging to see myself make this decision. So today I told myself I was going to mow and trim the yard today; but when I got home, I was so tired, and I tried to talk myself out of it. I came in, my family and I ate supper, and then I laid down for maybe 5 minutes. But while I was laying down, I got, well, a burst of energy, or inspiration, or something. I thought to myself, “I bet I could get that yard done if I really worked hard and quick at it,” and I got up, got my mower and my trimmer out, and I finished it in less time than usual! It usually takes me about a couple of hours, and this time, it only took me about an hour and fifteen minutes! I’m not sure what to attribute that to, but I’m glad that I spent my afternoon working instead of just lying around! It really felt good!
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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I’m feeling that too! It used to be getting 7 days down was difficult, now, I check my tracker and “oh! I’m at 15 days already!” I think that’s a sign p*rn/masturbation is slowly starting to loosen its grip on our lives! That makes me so excited, for me, and for you! You’ve got this brother!
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It does seem like one relapse shouldn’t erase weeks of rewiring, even if it does do some damage. I like how this app keeps track of our average along with the day count in the statistics and I wonder if that is just as important of a metric.
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Daily Entry, August 25, 2024 Day 17
Hey! I hope everyone is doing well! I know I missed my daily post yesterday. This weekend has been a little busy, and I got home late last night. But the good news is that I still haven’t had a lot of urges over the past few days! I’m very thankful for the past few days!
@Survivor_8 I agree with you, and I’m excited for you, too! I’m glad you’re hanging in there, man! It’s encouraging to see the work that God’s been doing in your life!
@MrSam105 I look at our progression when we relapse as “two steps forward, one step back”. The average tracker on the app has been a motivator for me, just to be able to see how few and far between my relapses have been. Like I’ve said before, I remember when it was every 2 or 3 days that I was relapsing, so to see that number of days between relapses grow just shows me that there is hope!
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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Daily Entry, August 26, 2024 Day 18
Hey, I hope everyone is doing well tonight! Today was really good. I haven’t had a lot of urges today, and that’s a very good thing! I thank God for another day like today! They’re not all like this, so I’m going to enjoy them when they come!
Something That I’ve Noticed
Okay, so usually, I kind of roll my eyes at a lot of guys that make it sound like the moment you stop masturbating, you turn into Superman or something. But while I haven’t started leaping over tall buildings in a single bound , I have noticed that I seem to have a little more energy this go-around. I don’t know what to attribute that to. I know I’ve been taking the walking trail at work on my lunch break lately, so that could be a contributing factor. I’ve had a little bit more social activity over the past few days, so even that could be part of it. And then, of course, it could be due to not masturbating all of the time. It’s not like I have an endless supply of energy, but I do feel a little more motivated to do stuff lately.
Even with all that, I don’t know that I’m as productive as I’d like to be. I’m more productive than I was, but I have room for improvement.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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yeah, I notice some mild yet significant benefits. Two are brain fog gone and less acne from abstaining.
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Daily Entry, August 27, 2024 Day 19
Hey! I hope everyone is doing well tonight! Last night when I went to bed, I had a pretty strong urge. It wasn’t easy to fight off, but with the help of the Lord, I was able to resist it. As I said before, I’m 19 Days in, and masturbation and macrophilia do not want to be evicted from my life.
Today, on the other hand, has been a little better. I’m getting a little closer to my birthday, and I’m very excited about it! I’ll be turning 25 next week! My greatest desire in my next year of life is to go a whole year without giving in to my urges! I realize that may not happen, but I also realize that it is possible! I’ve seen a lot lately that I didn’t think was possible. God is still working in my life, and I’m excited to see what He does in my future!
God Bless You In Your Fight!
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