June 2, 2025
Day 0 (21 Hrs, 35 mins)
As the counter says, I’ve relapsed. I hate reporting my losses, but I have to be honest. I was watching a video earlier today talking about this subject, and it mentioned that one of the ways that we get free from this sin is to bring it to the light, and one of those ways that we do that is to confess our faults one to another. I’d rather be thought less of for failure, than to be honored for false success. One day, by the grace of God, I will be able to report my success for real. Today is not that day, but I can’t give up on my dream.
Anyways, I suppose that this would be a good time to report on my next journal prompt…
What triggers my urges, and how can I manage them?
My main triggers are this: loneliness and anxiety.
It’s took me a little time to process this, but that’s what I would say my current struggles are. Now loneliness is a funny thing, because you can feel lonely not only when you’re isolated, but even while you’re talking to someone. Those moments when you feel like the deep recesses of your soul are not understood in that other person. I guess it’s an old cliche of teenagers during adolescence, but you feel like no one understands
you. No one really gets you. You really are just that odd of a case. As much as people think that they get you, they just fall short of it.
As for the anxiety, I think both past failures and current struggles are what make me so anxious. I think back on previous failures, and I want to forget them. But 1: I feel like I still need to learn from them and cannot completely forget them. And 2: I feel like no one else has forgotten or forgiven me of them. Because of how I have harmed people in the past, I feel like I have to carry the burden of guilt around with me, or else I’m just being careless and thoughtless, and just trying to avoid the consequences of my actions. In a way, I feel like by holding onto this guilt, I am doing penance, not to God, but to those around me, for what I have done to them. I know that from scripture that God forgives. People? Not so much. And who can blame them? They’re right, what I’ve done has hurt them deeply. But no apology, no action, nothing can turn back time and undo the damage that you have done to their life.
How Can I Manage Them?
When it comes to loneliness, I think I’m starting to make breakthroughs in some areas in this field. My therapist has helped me some on this. As much anxiety as I have before each session that I have with him, I can honestly say that I walk away from every session feeling much better. But one of the big areas that he has been working with me is in this social isolation.
But there is something deeper that I need. I once heard a preacher say that you have 3 types of friends when it comes to closeness: Front-Yard Friends, Porch-Swing Friends, and Kitchen Table Friends (or Living-Room Friends, I’ve heard both terms used for this last one). I have several of the first, and a handful of the second, but I feel like I’ve got maybe 1 or 2 of the third type. I hear that this is average for men, though. I feel like there’s plenty of well-meaning people around me, many of whom probably want to see me succeed in my life, but they just don’t know how to help me. For that matter, I barely know how to help myself.
As for the second one, I’m not sure I have a great answer on this, other than to say that through Bible Reading and through reading some Christian books on these subjects that are affecting me, I’m trying to find some of these answers that I am lacking. Also, I am trying to cultivate more of a prayer life. Sometimes I feel like I can pray, but sometimes I feel like I barely know the words to say, or how to express my emotions to God. The one comfort that I have is that God does see my heart, and He can understand even what I fail to utter.
God Bless You In Your Fight!
) might help me out.
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