Man, I don’t think so I have helped you that much given we haven’t conversed a lot.
But man, you are not alone bro. I know we(online friends) can only give you words of wisdom. But your parents and maybe your siblings, few close friends are always there to help you out or silently doing their job to make your life easier.
Its a few hours before 2024
I remember the days when life was like a dream . Happy and never ending , I used to think where things actually changed . being into the addiction and then nofap in my growing years was a major change someone can experience . I was 13 when I discovered nofap and I was addicted to this all of 2020 when I was 12 
. Sometimes I don’t even realize that .
This didn’t leave me as the same person as before . But everyone has to change sometimes I guess. Ever since I remember , I used to be the silent , innocent and the smart kid . Its not that I liked to be alone , I didn’t find it easy to make friends . But with the real ones , I shared way too much . Also , I was way short hearted , got scared and emotional easily . As I grew up , this thing started to alienate me , when the other cool boys of the class did all grade VI cool stuff . I tried to blend in with them and slowly became like them , but with this came the things a kid so young mustnt’t know of . Hence , I was introduced to ■■■■ , fapping and all the adult stuff . The age at which I started watching the stuff was alarming . I was just a child , I didn’t know what I was doing . I changed my childhood place and went to live out for the first time . I was not mentally strong enough , this lack of strength made me go through all of this later , even today . I just settling in but lockdown hit , trapped in my home for months , and with that started a path that broke me forever . I don’t remember much from 2020 except gigabytes of ■■■■ and doing it several times a day . That was enough for a young mind to go dull , almost a year like this . Wasting all of the resources as soon as my puberty age started , a thing I never recovered from . If one looks at my photo from 2020 , I will be unrecognisable . I used to be smart enough , good hair , good eyes , all the things a child in the young age has , and then all gone , the resources and hormones needed for the adoloscent growth all spent into hours of addiction .
Well I eventually found out the truth and started living normal and superior till 2022 .
Ah fuck , I wish I had been stronger there to tackle what happened next . Basically , after my first long streak , it was 150 days or something , I had been in nofap for sometime and then I relapsed . At first , I didn’t feel anything but then it happened a few more times and it started to hit . Skipping to april 2023 , I had developed a fear that relapsing destroys everything and of brain fog . That feeling sucked . I came here , to a new place again and new school and I relapsed thrice after the first day of my school . I stressed myself too much , generated fear , there was sever brain fog . I was in 10th so I feared that I’d not be able to do good in boards . There was permanent state of confusion , anxiety , unclarity and so 1,2,3,4,5 months passed before things got back to normal . By then , I was completely shredded . So I used to think of myself as a loser , I had lost all self confidence , I had sever anxiety , I lived all the time in fear and stress and I lost myself . Most imp , I used to rely on my state of mind and kept checking how I felt , and I never let that feeling go off . It was almost like depression and I seeked no help .
All because of weak mind and wrong mindset .
Yeah , last year it was not addiction which destroyed me , It took me time to admit it but it was mindset due to nofap and my lack to strength to comprehend things . The after effects I still feel today . This would continue until January this year , I relapsed again and PTSD kicked in . It was the exact time before my boards and I had gone mad . But then things passed , I got stronger and ended my exams as a new person .
Too bad , I had no idea what was to come ahead . I was extremely free , relapsed more in 1 week than I had done in all that time . I went into a living coma , I had no idea what was going on . Shifted to a new place , started a new class . No control , no actions , no pain . My eyes opened once in May and I had went 50 days but unfortunately relapsed . There , there I could have done something significant to prevent future relapses but I did nothing . After 5 months , I had not went over 20 days and most of my relapses have been 2 / 3 in a day .
I am going to write more wait
I have done terrible mistakes and fucked my mindset . It costed me too much .
I barely lived with peace this year . I relapsed a lot ( a lot ) , lost my senses , lost all the growth I had made . Lost TIME , my goals , tears .
Not gonna talk about the people I lost in the way just because I was too much messed up with myself …
The worst thing it brought was my laziness and unclarity . I didn’t see anything , couldn’t take actions , just regret , lots of regret and thats it .
So it took me all these years to come here , to realize that it was not bigger than life . The streaks were not bigger than life and my happiness was not bound by relapses . All it brought was pain . Even if I destroyed myself and even as of now , I had relapses this week . I am not willing to pay it again . I am going to find myself and be free .
Freedom is what I seek , coz I have lost everything and am bound to lust , screen and bad habits . I don’t feel completely like me and only by changing things , I can get myself back .
2024 is more than a year , its a revenge , its a comeback , it is shaping myself again .
The actions I take this year , the mindset I chose this year , how I used every second will be imprinted into my future , the price is my future and the pain is my past . I cannot possibly carry the burden of wasting this year . I just want to be myself , maybe better .
I know self regret of this level is not always good , but I have to see my mistakes before I move on and start making changes .
I want to start a new life , make my future and carry the past as my crown .
I will make every day count
every minute worth it .
Thank you for being in my world
A very happy new year
Damn its way too much adrenaline for a single night
make sure your temptations don’t douse it
Come here guys
@debellator please close this diary
Damn 
.
Nicee dude.