I have recently started to read the Daily Walk Bible. I am hoping to continue to get to know the word of God, and hear the voice of God as I read it. I have also noticed that a lot of people take notes, which is something I am trying to get myself to do. I was never a good note taker in school, but college helped me to get better at it. But if I am going to commit to studying the Bible, I need to start giving it the same diligence of note taking that I do in class. It is my Father’s words.
There is always steps to be taken in getting to know God.
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I am grateful for another blessed day. Every day is blessed when I am still alive and allowed another chance to get to know God on this earth.
I read a beautiful prayer found in Psalms 51. My favorite verses from it are verses 10-12. I highly recommend you read it. Especially with our particular struggles, it encourages and asks God to forgive us, but to also change us within. That even though we have sinned, we don’t want to commit the same sin again, nor stay the same. As you encounter and seek God, and His Son, Jesus Christ, ask that you will be changed within. If you truly encounter God, you will never be the same again.
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I have felt very strong urges today, stronger than I have had in a long time. I am praying for the strength to resist temptation. I know it is my hormonal cycle that is causing the strong urges, if you don’t know, women have two hormonal phases, the follicular and the luteal phase. Each to prepare the body for the conception and carrying of a child, and our menstruation is the evidence of what happens if we are not with child by the end of the cycle. It is easier for me to resist the urges outside of the ovulation phase, but within it it is very difficult. And I have been doing what I could for hours to resist. I know I am not the only woman to go through both PMO addiction and have normal hormonal cycles, and be able to overcome it. But I find myself caught between not wanting to satisfy my flesh and deny my own nature, and wanting to gratify God. I don’t want to abuse his grace. But I am struggling and finding minor reprieve after “doing everything right.”
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I broke my 19 day streak. And while it is progress, its not what I wanted. But this time there was a difference. I didn’t enjoy it, or feel satisfaction or even momentary relief. It was unsatisfying in a way that I can see the change within me. While I regret that it came to this point, I almost immediately fell to my knees in prayer. I think, for the first time, I felt true repentance. And the want to make a permanent change, and not just feel the desire to MO every once in awhile. I read the Psalms 51 prayer, a prayer David wrote after sinning. And I truly felt the words, and I gave it all to God. Even what I was secretly holding on to.
This is a battle I want to overcome, permanently. And I don’t want it to control my life. Hormones or no. I want the Holy Spirit of the Lord to dwell in me, and in order to do that I must treat the temple I have been granted (my body) as a holy place for God.
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I believe that I do know my final set of triggers. My thoughts. Here I was, cutting out everything that could trigger me, only looking at Christian centered content, watching shows with no mature content, and trying to read my Bible more. But I keep failing around this time. Part of it is because of the way I was made, the other part is, the way I think. I do not think highly of myself, and when I start getting tempted, my thoughts towards myself get worse, and I fall into a depression. I have been avoiding journaling because of this. I feel like a hypocrite. I know we have grace in the Lord, but how far does it go? I don’t find myself worthy to be in God’s presence. So I don’t try, and that’s the point I usually break. I know it’s not right. But, one thing that I have noticed in the Bible, is that when you humble yourself before the Lord, He gives mercy. I pray that He will grant me that.
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I’m not sure if this will help but just wanted to say
According to my scripture, I acknowledge that I am not inherently worthy to be in God’s presence. This doesn’t mean I’m bad it just means I don’t deserve anything, I am given everything as a blessing.
I say I am weak and a sinner, God knows and still loves me. I mean he chose faith for me and what did I do to deserve that? It’s not about who i am it’s about who he is and what he wants. The hard part that i find at this stage is finding the motivation. I spent about 2 years in a spiral of weakness just getting worse and worse.
But all of a sudden I’m doing better, not perfect but much better. That’s Him, he’ll grant us that opening sometimes He just loves to watch us strive against our desires and show Him what we’re capable of perserving against out of love for Him. That’s when he’ll boast to the angels about us.
Look at my slave Taylor she’s being tested with a strong desire, almost unbearable, but she keeps fighting. And she only does this for me. You, my angels, in all your glory will never be able to make the same claim as her.
Wouldn’t it be great to hear that from the heavens one day.
God be with you on your journey
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We are not slave, we are the children of God
There is no sin, there are just errors. Errors can be rectified.
There is only one sin and that is to consider youself weak.
So stop being like a victim and roar like a lion.
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I respect your outlook,
I guess different people will have different theological doctrines related to this, I was trying to find a bridge between my theology and hers to offer support
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I respect every theology and religious sentiments brother.
But don’t use words like slave. Does a slave loves his Master?
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Yes, definitely he may if He is worthy of.
But there’s no point in debate. Different people have different beliefs, that we have to accept if we want to live peacefully in this global village of internet where the whole world is connected to each other.
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I have been doing really bad. I’ve completely succombed to all my old habits. Tomorrow, there’s a church service. But to be honest… I didn’t want to go. I still don’t really want to. I feel too dirty to be in God’s presence. And unworthy. I’m ashamed. In the past, I wouldn’t have. But I think maybe I should.
I just feel so awful.
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I am sorry to hear this Taylor. I am in the very early stages of trying to find God, but the one thing i have figured out is that this is not about deserving, you can never really be deserving of Gods grace or really worthy of his presence. But the grace extended to us is infinite…if murderers can be forgiven, surely a slip up can also be forgiven.
The help you need to kick this habit is also found jn God…so whatever you do, please do not distance yourself from him. If anything, pursue him even harder…He is waiting for you…
If i encourage you to go to that church service…go even if you dont want to.
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I couldn’t go to church. The guilt was too much… but I did reach out to the pastors. And I asked if I could meet them there for prayer.
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Don’t forget the Jesus wants to free you from this guilt. Having a very active prayer life has helped me immensely. This quote has also helped, “you can either suffer from the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.” I’ll be praying for you Taylor, I hope the all is well
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That is just as good. As difficult as it is, i feel we need to surrender our guilt, if as nothing else, as a declaration of our faith. If we truly believe that our sins have been cleansed and forgiven, we then ought to not carry the guilt of them. As much as we are called to be compassionate with others, we also ought to be compassionate with ourselves. That is obviously way more difficult to put into practice than it is to say with words.
Myself i have been struggling with looking at women in an improper way and i have tried everything to come out of that, but nothing really helps other than asking God for His help…he has been helping me to look at women in a way that i imagine he looks at them, as Godly creations worthy of my respect an honor.
I say this to say this, when i distanced myself from God as a result of my struggle, i found myself falling deeper into the trap. But the moment i allowed God to take it over, He has been showing me that i was struggling unnecessarily. The key is in surrendering to him.
(On an unrelated note, i feel that we spend too much time “fighting” our urges, yet that is not the Biblical instruction when it comes to matters of lust…our instruction is to flee not to fight. Scripture recognises that we are too weak to win a fight against lust…so we are taught to flee.)
I will keep you in my prayers as well. If you dont mind, I ask that you do the same.
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Of course. And you are right. I have been trying to fight the urges, and I have been losing every time. I will keep you in my prayers. And thank you for the word of encouragement.
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Today is also Palm Sunday. It really puts into perspective what Jesus did for us on the cross. How He took our punishment and judgement for our sins, and He was tortured and beaten beyond recognition. But He rose again, and defeated death and sin. I’m so grateful for Him, and for How much He loves us. Even though we don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it, but because God so loved the world. God knows every hair on our head, He knit us together in our mother’s wombs. He knows us by name, and predestined us for a purpose. I can’t thank Him enough for what He has done for me. And keeping me, and showing Himself faithful and caring while I was yet deep in sin. It is unfathomable to me how much He loves me. And how much He cares for me. And pursues me. It’s why I want to turn over a new leaf, to become better for Him. To grow in Him. I need Him, He doesn’t need me, but He wants me. He wants me, and because of who He is, I want to continually seek Him even when I stumble.
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Amen! Never give up on seeking Him Sister. Remember that Jesus said " It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners". Even if we are so deep in sin and betrayed Him countless times, He still wants us. We must always want to seek Him no matter how far we are in sin. He is always faithful to us.
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Today I had a very good talk with my pastor, who is a woman and understood what I was going through. Ultimately, she guided me to get to know my identity as a daughter of God and to seek counseling. Along with some other practical tips.
It just reinforced what I was leading to, falling in love with Jesus. Which is a continual process, but one that will be what fills the hole in my life, instead of me filling it with unhealthy things. And overall getting back on track with my habits and taking care of myself.
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It has been an interesting past few days. I had to take some time for myself and see where my heart is, and where my priorities lay. I am still feeling behind in some of the things I am doing, but by the grace of God, I will be able to pull through this very busy week that I have. Please keep me in your prayers, and I will do the same for you all.
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