Swati's Diary - A Journey of becoming better at life

Hii everyone ! I am Swati . So here’s a brief intro about me - I am a student right now preparing for NEET-UG . I started my no fap journey 3 years back from now in 2020 . My highest streak was of 400 days a couple of years back which was in 2021 , then in the mid of 2021 I watched porn , I didn’t masturbated though but it still counts as a relapse and from then the streak is just decreasing . I like to write poems and stories so in my posts you might see some poetry :sweat_smile:. I honestly don’t know how to write diary and all . I just want to share some pieces of my life with you guys . Hope you guys tolerate it .
So well here’s my story -
It started almost 2 years back , I met a guy online , we started chatting and then calling . Eventually we got very much attracted towards each other . Then after a couple of weeks of chatting and calling , he proposed me and I said yes to him ( yeah you are right , I was stupid enough to do that ) . So we were in a long distance relationship as we live in different areas of the country . He was very loving and caring Everything was going well . But then one day I got molested by someone very close and he was of my father’s age . And to be honest that trauma is still with me I don’t know how to cope up with that , though I am trying it to just accept it and move on from that . That day I was looking very off , like hell off . My boyfriend forced me to tell what was wrong and I end up telling him . He got very angry and started asking about the details of that person who did so . I denied to give any of the details as I didn’t want any kind of drama and just told him to forget about all this . He screamed at me so badly and forced me to at least tell about all this to my parents . I again denied as I was very afraid of my parents’ reaction . He then tried very hard to encourage me , to support me and to convince me so that I can tell my parents about all this . I half-heartedly agreed and told everything happened to me and was shocked to see my parents’ reaction . They didn’t even ask a single question . They just hugged me badly and we all started crying at that moment . My family really supported me . I thanked him for this and was very grateful that I found someone like him . After all of this I made him my everything , I literally fall for him after that .
And then what ? Then We spent our life happily ever after . Awww How sweet !
Really , let me show you some twist
After a month of that I got into a college and started my new journey but then I didn’t know what happened he started pulling away from me . I asked if something was wrong or if I had done something wrong but he didn’t say anything . He just used to say that he was a bit stressed because of his exam and the financial problem which he was facing . I gave him financial support as much as I could and thought might be it’s really just the stress and nothing else but The situation got worse between us . He started shouting at me even on small things . He had time for everyone except me . I started skipping my live classes modified my sleeping schedule just to talk to him thinking that might be he was true and just ignored all the red flags . He couldn’t able to crack his exam and got very much depressed . I really tried very hard to please him , to encourage him , to change his mood but all in vain . The situation got worse to the extent that he verbally abused me one day . I broke up with him but then he apologized and I forgave him . It went great for 3-4 days or so but again same conflicts , same things started happening again and again . Here I got into the habit of masturbation and porn . I told him about this addiction . He asked me to slap myself . I denied and then he ignored me the whole day , he didn’t even pick up my phone . I got shattered and decided not to talk to him anymore . After so many cycles of break ups and patch ups finally one day we decided to reconsider our relationships and the expectations that we had from each other . Again it was going well and we were really happy but then because of his career and family pressure he again started pulling away and now he even stopped calling me and texting . Sometimes a week went by but he didn’t text . Whenever he did text or call he just started talking about sex and all stuff and nothing else . He used to say that he didn’t have time for my problems and for this relationship but he did used to call me for 1-2 hours for sexting and all . I took a stand and asked about all these things and he just manipulated and gashlighted me by saying that I was very demanding , needy , I didn’t understand him and his situation . Because of all this stuff I started getting anxiety attacks got insomnia started feeling lonely than ever . I even explained to him that I was not even a state right now to understand something I genuinely need you ( at that time my mother’s condition also got very bad ) . Please help me , don’t leave me yar . He screamed me and said that he wanted space and all and just wanted to go . He even said that I was useless . This time I really broke up with me . I blocked him from every possible platform . I even switched off my phone and packed it up .
And then what ? Then I cried for a few days , watched some motivational videos and did this and that and one day got enlightened and started doing really well in my studies .Really ? Picture abhi baaki h mere dost ( the picture is not over yet my friend )
It was almost 22 days since I had broken up with him . I watched a web series and all that emotions which I had buried very came to the surface and I end up switching on my phone . I checked out my gmail and found his mesgs which he had sent in those 22 days . He apologized in them . He said that he really needed me and was really sorry .
I called him and found that a very close relative in his family had died , I really felt very sorry for him and guilty on what I did . We again started talking and then one day he told me about his marriage stuff ( hmm twist ) . He said that his parents were thinking about his marriage and in the upcoming 2 years they would end up marrying him with some girl . I was like WTF is this !!? So from 1.5 years you were just fooling me ? He said that he really loved me and won’t marry and this and that .
I asked him in a very firm tone - “How can I trust you ? Can you give it to me in written that you will be mine forever ?” And he said, obviously , No . We really had a very bleedy argument that day and from then I literally broke up with him . I got a email from him a week later but I didn’t reply and just now following the NO Contact rule .
So yeah that was my story , I know I am stupid, I know that I am imperfect but that’s what I am . I am now in just in a state where I could not able to focus much . I end up creating a major backlog in my studies and this gives me more anxiety and lost all the hope of cracking the exam . I don’t know what to do .
Everyone around me , my cousins , my friends warned that I was invested very much and shouldn’t trust one this much but that was stupid me who was blinded .
I am feeling betrayed plus embarrassed as hell and just criticizing myself that how could I trust and invest in someone this much whom I met online .
Yeah , I learnt my lesson but I just wish I had studied more and have handled myself more kindly and calmly .
His memory is still there . Do I want to go back with him ? No I don’t . Now I just want to focus on myself . Now I just want to love myself .
There’s not a specific pattern on how I wiil update daily but yeah I will try to update on a regular basis plus when I am feeling low .
Signing Off


Sad to hear your story. We are hear to help you whenever you need. And yes 400 is a massive streak.:joy: I myself never achieved it .so maybe we would need help from you later… Anyway be positive and stay strong.


Thank you so much . Glad to hear that and I am grateful that you read the whole story and replied .
Yeah sure . I am here to help and to share…


All the Best. Hope we all will clear that !!

That was massive.

Maybe that’ll sound harsh but that Relationship was Never Gonna work, just bcz of him (saying by experiences).

Anyway, more power to you for your journey and yeah for NEET too (only 75 days left )


Yeah I am trying . Thanks for your support .


This story is so similar with me . It happened with me in 2018. I was so simple :grin: like you then made more than 1 year streak and now i researchd on nofap and love matter and many more on emotional traps.
Now a days i am very heartless person, controlling my emotions.


It’s never a good idea to get back with an ex.
Hope you clear the exams and get in a good Govt. College. And you made the right call by starting a diary.

I’m sorry that you had to go through something like that. I cannot begin to imagine the trauma you must’ve endured. You did the right thing by telling your parents. I hope you heal with time and the support of this community. :v:


It’s a lot different for us buddy :rofl:


Thank you so much to all of you guys . I just wish that it will go well from now onwards .


It was like a movie and you presented it that way too :joy:.
Bhagwaan aapka mangal karen.


Hmm…yeah but that was real :sweat_smile:
That’s what happened in reality .
P.S. - Shukriya


Good to hear that you are moving on now and trying to walk on the path of self-love. Forget what happened in the past but never forget the lessons, be kind but know when to say no. And last thing you are not stupid, it’s how life teaches us lesson. All the best for the upcoming exams. :fire:

P.S. - Congrats on starting your Diary. :smiley:


400 days sheeshh :fire::fire::fire::fire:!

I am feeling sorry but I must say that you are a strong and brave lady !

Hey, you dropped this " :crown:" !

More power to you!


It’s 4:05 AM
Didn’t sleep last night…'was studying - revised notes and solved many numericals…
by the way did yoga yesterday
Didn’t study in the day as woke up very late and was feeling hell lazy…
Thought to improve my sleeping schedule that’s why avoided sleep last night so that I can sleep early today and wake up tomorrow early . I was finding it difficult to sleep early , though I used to go to bed at 10:30 but fall asleep at 1 or 2 and as a result woke up late ( no I don’t use phone or laptop nor I watch any series or anything )…
I know my this idea is not a good one but honestly I’ve to do this as the exam is coming near and have to cover and revise as much syllabus as I can…
I am not at all feeling sleepy honestly…
So yeah that’s all for now
Fire :fire:
P.S.- I honestly didn’t expect that much support from you guys…Thanks to everyone of you .


Well feeling sleepy :sweat_smile: but yeah I have to push myself…I have to stay awake…I only gonna sleep at night…
Here’s a short poem which I wrote last night…very short though
Having a charm in the eyes , with a little
craziness in the head
here I was looking for the person
whom I found dead ,
still , I’ve nothing to cry about
as I am sowing the seeds of that fruit of learning
which I know will surely gonna sprout
Yes I was a fool but not anymore
because now I’ve become a lion
who have learnt when and how to roar…


Hello Little Sister !

You have achieved a very high streak of 400 days means you must be very smart in handling your emotions and thinking. I never achieved even 90 days in my life. I felt depression recently.

Never say you are stupid. 400 days streak is not a game !


Hello , so today’s day was okay…not much productive but yeah a lot more positive than other days
Did 1 hour yoga today
Did Study (although not much…was feeling sleepy throughout the day )
(Excluding last night study of 7 hours…I studied 4 hours today )
Watched some Pokemon today to boost myself ( :sweat_smile:…it just charges me up whenever I watch it )
I will sleep in a few min after brushing my teeth and massaging my feet after washing them in tap water…
so yeah that’s all for now…
Good Night


So , today’s day was awesome , was feeling very happy and motivated
did 1 hour yoga today
Studied 4.5 hours
Made Poha for dinner ( don’t know why but was having kind of craving so made it )
Watched some pokemon ( as it charges me up )
Talked to a friend today…
'was thinking to wake up early , even put an alarm but when it rang mom turned it off ( as she wakes up early before me ) before I woke up
Had some urges today but was able to overcome them…today was day 16 of NoFap…
'll be sleeping in a while after brushing…
So yeah , that’s all for now…
Good Night
Screenshot (31)


Destiny is a manifestation of destination but always misinterpreted as fate or luck.

The word Destiny is derived from Latin Word “Destinare” which means to make firm , establish or to take form decision.

Destiny is not luck.

Destiny is always what human makes or creates

Luck is by chance !


Achha I have a doubt. 1st u spoke about college and then said u are at present preparing for NEET. But as far as I know people prepare for NEET to get admission in college. I didn’t understand . please clarify.