Special Bird's Daily Journals

Diary
141

@Special_Bird hi bro streakwise iam good day 6.

Emotional I feel very empty and depressed which I Handle pretty good. Happyness is far away right now usually it’s that time I relapse because I feel so alone and depressed. But it won’t change the fact I have goals to reach and work on myself to get there. That’s the main goal I have right now , working on myself! Marking my dreams reality. I know it will take time and patient but it’s the only way for true Happyness!
With that mindset I have to say it’s quite easy staying away from PMO, but iam highly alert :rotating_light: for overconfidence.

Trying first to get a normal sleep schedule, my one is very messed up, when I have that , I have a foundation to work with.

So basically I feel like shit but Iam going trough it this time , my focus is sharp as a razor. No matter what Happens I go trough it.

Iam glad to hear you doing good brother keep following your gouls that’s the best medicine against this addiction✍️

See you tomorrow brother :muscle:

1 Like
142

@Dane1989 Happy to hear bro! That’s the attitude, I am also feeling similar for some reason. Maybe I am just stressed about school. But it’s how we approach those feelings that matter, we never consider PMO to be a solution. Because it’s not!

But this is good bro, we got this, we can focus on building ourselves up :muscle: See you tomorrow

Day 6 - Feb 2, 2021

Got sleep tonight and back on schedule, feeling good about that. I think I’m going to try to avoid playing games every night with friends from now on. Because I waste so much time I could be doing my hobbies. And that’s always when I get my biggest urges.

Feeling kind of down lately, but keeping my eyes set forward, there’s always periods of time like this, but PMO is never the answer.

Hope all is well with everyone :muscle:

1 Like
143

Day 8 - Feb 4, 2021

Past few days have been good. Urges low, but I have gotten some which I’ve addressed right away.

Still kinda feeling low, but I’m trying to perceive things differently. I think it’s just that time of year, when I wake up and everything is dark. I’m just looking forward to late spring when the sun finally comes out.

Anyhow, I’ll keep you guys updated. Stay well :muscle:

3 Likes
144

Day 9 - Feb 5, 2021

Feeling better today. Yesterday was pretty difficult urge-wise but I consistently countered them and pushed through. I think I got them from sitting around all day doing my school work. Gonna drive me insane.

Stayed up late last night watching movie with sis, so pretty tired today, but going to be on alert for urges and staying out of any triggering situations. Tonight is early to bed, really needing that sleep.

Anyway, better get going on the day. Stay well everyone :pray:

2 Likes
145

Day 10 - Feb 6, 2021

Feeling much better, got to bed on time last night and got some sleep. Going to get more tonight.

Had a lot of urges last night. The trigger being working on school work late. I’m not sure really what I can do about this, because I can’t get left behind by my friends as this particular course is very difficult. So I have to sit there for several hours. But I think I need to figure out a way to journal in between.

Anyway, I got through, I was extremely tempted before bed. But I asked myself, “Why am I struggling with something I don’t want to do?” And that was enough to get me into bed and stay there.

Obviously the urges only got as big as they were because I didn’t deal with them right away, I need to journal from now on no matter the circumstance. It’s just difficult juggling school vs journaling. But either way, I let the thoughts fester and change my mind. I let the addictive voice speak without questioning it and that’s dangerous.

I can already tell today is going to be difficult, so I’m going to need to implement my plans and remember that I am in complete control.

Hope all is well with you guys :pray:

2 Likes
146

Is that something you can always do - journaling? What happens if you get urges and you’re away from your journal?

1 Like
147

Be stronger. Few more days and urges will go away.

2 Likes
148

Brother @Special_Bird are you ok? I bet you busy as hell with school! How is it going? Waiting for you :muscle:

2 Likes
149

@Dane1989 @Forerunner @Hubinho Sorry for the late reply brothers, I’m doing alright, I just got really busy with school because of exams, and after my relapse I was just frustrated and didn’t want to look at the app.

How are you guys doing?

Btw, responding to your last comment Forerunner, I journal on my phone in a notes app so my “journal” is technically always with me, but you do make a point, since it generally is inconvenient to even pull it out and take the time to write. It seems that whenever I’d benefit the most from journaling my urges, I am in the middle of stressful school work and I’m in a call with friends. So I can’t exactly check out for 10 minutes, as I’d get behind fairly easily.

Where I think it will work however is at night when I’m relaxing, I definitely have the time for it. I’d like to implement it more there for sure. On my last high streak, it was less of a journal and more of a way to identify urge thoughts and not allow them through my head without countering them. Since sometimes they work on a subconscious level it seems and result in me acting on the urges without much thought.

But anyway, I gotta get to class and get going on the day. I’ll be back tomorrow for sure with my usual journals.

2 Likes
150

Welcome back brother :wave:

The point I was hinting at was that journaling is just one way of dealing with those thoughts as they arise. Is it the most efficient way?

When you are mindful, you can observe the urges and watch them pass on, like a phone call you don’t want to pick up.

If there’s someone on the other line you don’t want to speak to, or you’re too busy to talk right now, you just watch the phone go to voicemail and carry on with your day.

1 Like
151

@Forerunner Thank you brother, that’s a good point. There’s no obligation to relapse, I am in control and therefore if I am done with PMO then I can merely let the urges pass. I recall another user saying a long time ago that we need to merely drop the rope and stop playing the game of tug of war. I didnt really understand that until I read EasyPeasy. We are not made to pull the rope, we only play the game when we allow ourselves too. Maybe in that way it’s merely a form of edging.

I think I should reread EasyPeasy, I was doing great while keeping the concepts fresh in my mind. Thank you for the encouragement and advice man, I appreciate it.

Day 1 - Feb 19, 2021

It’s amazing how unbelievably frustrating and tricky this addiction can be, while at the same time it’s clear to me that it’s quite easy to quit. I’m sure of that, since I’ve gone every other way of trying to quit this addiction. It’s clear that most ways avoid the direct issue, and that is of self responsibility and commitment to change. It’s clear that the only person who is going to change my condition is me, and therefore I must fully commit to it. Because if I don’t, there’s not going to be anything else to save me. There’s never going to be that key, that perfect situation, that somebody, or anything else that will take the choice from me. It will always be completely my choice to quit or to continue harming myself with this addiction.

And that makes complete sense.

I was thinking the past few nights, it just really is PMO. PMO is every goddamn problem in my life, and I keep avoiding it. And I keep listening to my urges when they come saying “well it’s probably not entirely me is it? It can’t be! Come on, you need a break, you deserve it.” Same old shit.

Yeah I really need to leave that voice on read. It doesn’t matter what it says, what it thinks, what it offers me. I’ve quit PMO and I’m not doing it again. I know the suffering, I know the pain, but above all else, I made a commitment to change and I don’t go back when I do that, no matter what I’m missing (which is really nothing).

Anyway, gonna get going with the day. Talk to you guys tomorrow.

3 Likes
152

Bring the big ol’ you’re so wrong on you.
@Special_Bird , I’ve actually been reading a bit of your diary for quite sometime. Rooting for you.
But there are some flaws I see. A major one being that, we can not rely on ourselves. Not sure if you’re a believer or not, but you must know that human nature is deceptive and our desires can be evil. How many times have you already thought, “I’m going to beat this” or “I’m going to do this”
That’s the feeling we all get after a relapse. But it is written:
" Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”
We can do all things in Him. Not in ourselves.
See, this problem is lust. That’s the issue here. The only solution is love. And God is a God of love. When we love God, we love ourselves. Then we will gain understanding and wisdom.
Someone had said: “love is the root of all learning.”

1 Like
153

@Yitzchak I appreciate the encouragement bro, but I’m an atheist. I understand where you are coming from, as I used to be a devoted Christian, but I left the church some years back. But again I appreciate the encouragement and you following my journals. However, I firmly believe that I am alone capable of leaving this addiction.

Day 3 - Feb 21, 2021

Yesterday was fairly busy, didn’t get to journal. But here today. Going to finish reading Rational Recovery and skip to the practical side of the book, then get back into Easy Peasy.

Last night I had urges toward bed time as it was late, but I went to bed instead, not playing that game.

1 Like
154

If you do not mind me asking, what is the reason you changed to an atheist?
I truly feel a difference when I’m walking with God, by following His commands. The life of a believer is said to not be easy, but with the strength God gives us, it’s wonderful.
In my opinion, I would say, becoming an atheist is not good for you, as in, nothing changes.
Reality is still there. But now, you’re risking something more important.
Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that if people just died and life ended there, nothing happens. You have nothing to lose. But!
If you die, and there is judgement. I guarantee that regret is far more than the remorse of a relapse.
I say this, not for anything other than I love you brother. And I wish you all the best. After all, life is much more than a relapse, a mistake, and even this world itself. It doesn’t just end there.
I want to see you in the next life!!

155

Greeting mate, I wish you luck with your Journey.
you’ve got some very interasting Journals indeed.
The reasons which you have stated to quit PMO are really profound! I really liked all your reasons to quit this obstacle - you know what you want from your life.

I also would like to add some few things about the latest discussion about PMO and spirituality, I will start with PMO:

PMO is destroying the way you view reality it is the opposite of reality and the industry is there to make sure you stay trapped!
With dogma or without, man is not another type of animal and he can sense the bullshit - something inside of us keeps talling that PMO is very wrong, call it an instinct or a wake up call.
PMO is anti-nature and thus it is against human nature. It is just another type of drug just like Alcohol. It is a system for slaves whom know not they are slaves. Believe not to those addicts who say that they are free, it is a lie and they are living a lie.

Now I would like to say a thing about spirituality and beating nihilism:
As further for your reasons and without taking any side on the philosophical or religious spectrum, I espaically liked reason number 10: “I want to beat Nihilism etc”…sounds deep - “A Yes, a No, a straight line, a goal.” I want to say something about Nihilism, feel free to correct me if I am wrong -Isn’t Nihilism lurks at the dark corners of every sound philoshopy, waiting to take everything down with it?
For this can be the greatest task and the reason behind all our actions - to find a some meaning in a world which maybe lacks any meaning in the first place, and thus to face the absurd, To find some meaning in all the suffering. I heard once from someone who said that
“If we were just like trees or animals driven only by our own animalistic instincts - doing just what mother nature made us to do - there would be no absurd - for the absurd exists only within the human mind, outside the mind there is no absurd - just a world governed by principles/the laws of nature. Just the world as it is.”
Half truths are always cheesy.

On the other hand, The religious person have a God to love and worship, listen to his teachings, listen to his voice. The religious man made his step towerds the ‘leap of faith’. Faith, charity and hope are his greatest virtues - the religious man lives a life full of hope waiting for his next life to follow, to be forever with God - it is his final goal. This is his hope. Who is right and wrong and what is truth? No one can decide this but you and I respect the fact that you really trying to think about the bigger picture with a rational outlook.

I wish you luck with your Journey and sorry for the long reply, hope it will help.