Special Bird's Daily Journals

@Dane1989 Hey brother, I’m very sorry for the late response, school has started up for me again and haven’t had the chance to write a journal yet. I don’t find your previous post creepy at all, always feel free to write as much as you need here bro :slightly_smiling_face:

I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your girlfriend, I’ve been in similar situations, knowing that they want to end it but not wanting to lose them. It seems to me that your original comment on her profile picture was reasonable, but I guess her past experience could affect her feelings toward that.

But you most definitely should not feel guilty for it, you said what you said, and maybe you wouldn’t say it again if you could go back, but you didn’t have intentions of hurting her by it. If she wants to take it that way and wants a break, that is sadly her choice. But your right, you can only control how you act, and it’s good that you’re taking the initiative to stop chasing her.

Always remember brother that you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else, addiction or no addiction. But you must find that love from within first, learn to love yourself, so that you can be independent and not be afraid to lose anyone, because everyone makes their own decision regardless, and we can’t stop that.

I hope I am not coming across as a lecture, I just learned these things myself from past relationships and it is an ongoing process. I used to always be a needy boy in my relationships, and I realized it was because I never loved myself truly and never took care for my own needs, so instead I looked for love elsewhere. But by doing that, I became needy, and pushed away those I loved and my friends.

I still didn’t realize all this though until I got into a bad relationship, I hated being in it, but I was too afraid to tell her I didn’t want to date anymore. And so I waited, but that only made things worse, I was more miserable each day and she was more attached to me each day. After talking with my sister on a hike one day, she made me realize I needed to cut it off and that I was not happy. And so I did. It was really hard, but I stuck through it, and I didn’t go back to her, even though my mom kept advising me to do so because my mom really liked her.

That was one of my best decisions, and after I left I realized how I got myself into that predicament in the first place. I had never loved myself and so I was not listening to what my heart was saying.

Sorry for the long story bro, but I hope maybe that will help. I know I don’t know your whole situation, but maybe you can take something from my story and it can help you. Maybe you need to let her go? For your own sake, and learn to love yourself. Or maybe not? I don’t know, but I’m sure you know in your heart what you need to do. But remember, put yourself and your needs first (it’s not selfish, but instead it allows you to love better when your needs are met), and know that we cannot stop anyone from leaving or entering, we must be able to be content with ourselves no matter the circumstances.

Here’s a series of videos that I found recently, that really helped me to remove the bad thoughts I had about myself and to learn to love myself:

Anyway bro, stay strong out there, I’m here for you and cheering you on :muscle:

P.S. I like the new profile pic :laughing::cat2:

Day 15 - Jan 21, 2021

Streak-wise things have been good, I had some decent urges yesterday and almost started scrolling through Steam’s community hub like I used too, looking for pictures and such. But I stopped myself, and remembered what EasyPeasy says about peeking. It’s not just one peek, it’s asking for the addiction all over again, for the miserable nights, for the feelings of self-hatred and despair.

No thanks, if I could go back to when I was a kid and never look at porn, I would. So why would I look at porn now? It’s the same thing. I’m free right now! But if I go down that slippery slope again, it’s back to hell.

Things have been kind of stressful this first week, chaotic and difficult. My biggest worry really is just my Physics 2 class. It’s so ridiculous on the workload.

But I’ve gotten through it last semester and I can get through it again. If I have to, I’ll scrape by.

Anyway, got to get to class, hopefully I can get my journal in tomorrow morning. Hope everyone is staying well :pray:

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@Special_Bird Hey bro! Huh it’s sounds like a lot todo with schooling , thanks god i don’t have to deal with that anymore :laughing: jokes byside it’s important as hell to be good in school to have it easier in the Future. :+1:

You absolutely don’t sound like a lecture to me. It’s good to talk with someone which already run truh this. You mentioned everything correct, it’s true if she wants a break or even break up with me I will face it like a Men I can’t change it anyway as you already said! Also I remember her words on what’s app. She asked if iam happy? And I need to get selflove first and happyness for my own to share it with someone. So basically she said there what she wants but i didn’t realized it.

Anyway I feel way less depressed now because of my streak and knowledge what I have todo right now.

Let’s see what happens iam very nervous about the park walk now. No matter how the talking go I stay calm and dont chaise her that’s my main focus. Of course iam happy if we don’t break up but if I take it.

See ya tomorrow bro checking the vid now!

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@Dane1989 Haha yeah the first week is always the worst with work, but I’m getting through it :laughing:

Very true brother. Glad that my post helped and you are feeling better. Keep me updated on how the park walk goes!

Keep up the fight bro :muscle:

Day 16 - Jan 22, 2021

All is well, had some serious urges yesterday though. I countered them consistently, reminding myself that PMO has no benefits, there’s nothing to go back to. My brain kept wanting to trick me into taking just one peek from sites that didn’t quite cross the line, but we’re clearly going down the rabbit hole. But again, I kept countering them with the arguments form EasyPeasy.

There is no “just one peek”, that’s the end of the line. And PMO doesn’t give me any boost and it doesn’t satisfy any sexual desire. It’s complete junk and always will be.

Anyway, going to read through more EasyPeasy and make sure I get prepared for today as I can already tell I’m going to have more urges.

Wish me luck, stay strong everyone :muscle:


@Special_Bird yes you are right pmo does bring zero benefits! You know the feeling few seconds after fakepleaser! We don’t want that, we have been trought this so many times , the regret , the guild and especial the selfesteem goes down the toilet :toilet: keep going brother you are on the best way , I will follow this way no matter what there is no excuses. Peeking and brain :brain: tricks oh hell I know that feel. Can’t remember how often I fall because of that, we need to avoid this with all the willpower we have left! Those are the things I always relapse ( peeking ).

Anyways today I feel very depressed and my mood is pretty lowish. It’s my inner weakness personality I builded due pmo addiction. The ( chaiser/ Simp) Feeling comes around the corner because today is the park walk and iam scared how it goes. My Body isn’t used to be strong on this situation anymore ,so I feel a lot Anxiety going on.

BUT i dont chaise her I promised myself this. I stop :raised_hand: being the „nice guy“ who feels guilty everytime even if it not my fault!

Not gonna lie , it will be also for her a different experience, normaly I would take all the shit on me and get on my knees that she forgive me. Iam done with that!

See you later bro :writing_hand:

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Day 9

Hey bro like I exspected we didn’t meet today, she said I want to rest today because tired from work! Maybe tomorrow on Sunday. I have to respect that choice can’t change it🤷🏼‍♂️

But I made clear to her and said: alright but tomorrow then , we have to talk about a lot things let me know which time!

As you may read out of it , I did not agree with the „maybe tomorrow“ msg
My normal reaction to this answer would be „ohhhh yee no problem hun just tell me when you want to go“ and so on , guess you know the deal. The first time I did not gave in into those emotional needy mind game. Even if that was just a small step like a WhatsApp message I feel a little proud I resisted to chaise.

Man normaly I would Text the shit out of her like how was your day and so on. I start realize that. And if I don’t do that she shows no interest on me because she is already used to that I ask the questions. I think today was a surprise for her, and it was just the msg , face to face I will show the same, clear and short words I will tell her what options we have in this relationship. Let’s see if she come around with a excuse tomorrow to not meet again and may asking over phone what i have to talk with her. I made this mistakes way to much talking serious problems over phone per writeing where we can hide behind the screen. Not this time let’s see what happens will inform you !

PS: no urges at all today + got up kinda early today which is great :+1:

Have a good one bro cheers

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@Dane1989 Exactly bro! PMO brings so many negative mental effects, pure depression. We don’t need that, and it only takes one peek to send us sliding back down the slippery slope to relapse. We are already free and non-users, the minute we closed out our browser. The only thing we are missing is a barely perceptible want for dopamine. If we focus on it, we will needlessly torture ourselves, but if we live life freely and go on with our days, and aren’t afraid to confront it, then we will be completely fine. And soon those urges will die off. We got this man :muscle: we’ve already won.

Proud of you brother :pray: for standing up for yourself and focusing less on it. Remember bro, you deserve a loving partner, as much as anyone else. If she isn’t returning the love you give her, then let her figure it out and do your own thing.

Honestly, this is what I would do. You’ve told her that you’re serious about meeting and talking things over. She cancelled on you, which is kind of lame on her part. But you stated well that you seriously need to meet tomorrow to talk. If she cancels again, she obviously isn’t putting in the effort and love that she should. That’s her problem. If she cancels tomorrow, don’t settle for anything else, just move on. Say “alright, well I’m just not feeling good in this relationship anymore, I think we should take a break as well.” Or “I’m not feeling good in this relationship anymore, I think we should be done.” Then maybe go out, and do something fun, get your mind of her.

I know you love her a lot, but if she doesn’t put in the effort to love you back and can’t forgive you for one little mistake you made about her profile picture, then again, that’s her problem, not yours. There’s plenty of wonderful women out there that can love you and show that love like you love them.

That’s just my take though from what you have told me, but again I don’t know the whole situation. But just remember that you have no obligation to her. You might feel low and depressed right now, but there are always other women out there. I know personally for me, in the past, I always would act like a needy boy because deep down I thought that I’d never find another girl that would love me if I left the girl I was currently dating.

But that’s not true, and remember, at worst, being single is always better than being in a relationship where there isn’t mutual appreciation for each other.

Just my thoughts bro, hopefully it’s something that can help a bit.

Stay strong, and keep your head up, you’ve got this! :muscle:

Day 17 - Jan 23, 2021

I felt that I was going to have urges again yesterday, so instead of sitting around and possibly moping about it. I went out with my sister and her boyfriend, got some sun, walked our dog around, and then got dinner and a few drinks at the bar with them. Had a lot of fun and it was nice to get out, since I usually just sit at my computer doing code and school work all day.

No urges after that either, just enjoying life.

Today I’ll be out again for most of the time, so that’ll be good. But I’m not afraid to face the urges, they mean nothing to me.

Stay strong everybody :muscle:

@Forerunner Glad to see your streak is up too bro :pray: EasyPeasy is where it’s at!


Absolutely! :100:

It’s wonderful to see the progress bro, keep it up! Great day today :+1:


@Special_Bird she also cancelt the Sunday walk like exspected! She runs away from me and don’t face the conversation… sad thing on her side.

Today she response she don’t come and I can talk with her about it on phone. This made me almost freak out not gonna lie :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:. But I got myself together and relaxed again it’s not worth.

I had no choice , so I told her on WhatsApp what are the options for our Relationship, made a huge text with everything I wanted to say in personal. Told her I would like to give this love a chance if everyone is completely healed by himself and ready for a real relationship without something from the past stay in the middle. For me there is nothing to add on this topic anymore.
She can choose now and I deal with every answer from her no matter what way it goes. You right there are many girls out there but if this ends in a breakup I think I stay single long time iam done with the drama :performing_arts:

See you tomorrow bro stay strong :muscle:

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@Dane1989 I’m sorry brother, but you’re right, now it’s her choice from here, you’ve given her the chances. I know it is frustrating, but you are staying strong and standing your ground, and that’s the best you can do.

Stay strong bro, and keep me updated :muscle:

Day 0 - Jan 24, 2021

I am sad to say I relapsed boys. I know, kind of ironic after I claimed EasyPeasy is the key. Which it is by the way! But I made a stupid mistake. It was the combination of several factors.

For one, I should have been journaling and staying aware that I was having urges the past few days. I didn’t set an action plan. I assumed for some reason, that the black hole of urges had passed. But that’s not true, and my past experience speaks to this. Yes urges become significantly less frequent, but they can still be very strong. It wasn’t until around 70 days that I stopped getting those occasional waves of really strong urges.

Second, I didn’t combat the thoughts when they came. I stayed up a little later than I should have (which with the relapse, resulted in a super late night), and I was tired. I should have listened to myself and gone to bed. But I let those urge thoughts fly right through with no criticism. But more than that, I let myself sit there and stare at my computer. I should have acted quickly and firmly, and got to bed.

It’s really frustrating. I’m so ashamed that I relapsed. But I can’t let that get to me. I am free, the minute I closed that browser. I fell forward, but I’m getting up and I’ll keep going.

Hope you guys are staying well.

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@Special_Bird dont worry about it brother, we all human, I learned so much from you iam sure you make it fast back, don’t beat yourself up and try with all power to avoid binging we don’t won’t you to fall into the Chaiser effect!! Stay strong and give yourself some rest.

You can always talk with me iam here for you as you are for me , we are in the same boot✌🏻 See you tomorrow Bro


@Dane1989 Thank you brother :pray: I appreciate it. I was struggling with beating myself up about it yesterday, but today I am coming back with a fresh mindset, dropping the guilt, and moving forward. If I let it weigh me down, then I will only relapse more.

Once again, I have to remember that these urges are only a feeling, and a feeling that is completely created by PMO itself, the only way out is to identify the argument, rebutt it, and let time pass.

Hope you are well yourself bro :muscle:

Day 1 - Jan 25, 2021

Feeling better today, but yesterday was fairly hellish. Just another reminder of how PMO destroys my confidence, happiness, ability to enjoy the little things, and gives me so much anxiety. I don’t feel as able to tackle the big things coming up, I feel overwhelmed. And even when I say that the urges are back.

But I don’t need any more reminders, I didn’t need any then and I don’t need any now. I have to stop doubting my decision. Before I relapsed, I saw an ad for a raunchy game on steam (which I’ve realized can be turned off now, so no more steam triggers), and I thought about how nice it would be, and how I wish I could just take a peek. That was my downfall, I was torturing myself needlessly.

If I see something like that, I should say “wow I’m glad I don’t have to look at those things anymore, I’m free.” And move on. No considering it, thinking about it, remembering. It’s pointless, it doesn’t matter if I feel like looking right now. That’s besides the fact that I quit and I’m not going back. I can feel like playing video games, but if I decided I’m going to work, I work.

There’s no decision to make, it’s already been made, because despite any feelings in the current moment, I know porn is responsible for ruining my everyday life. I know porn is the reason I feel so terrible, so depressed, and so anxiety-ridden. There is no more “just one look”. I’m done, I will never go back. If I had the choice to never get involved in this in the first place, I would. So why would I repeat the mistake in this instance? So there is no choice, I am a non-user.

Hope all is well, talk to you guys tomorrow.


Day 0 for me this time :worried:

I messed up @Special_Bird played yesterday till in the Morning Diablo 3 with friends. Lost controle over my Disziplin to leave early. After I left the gamegroup it was so damn late, while in bed with my phone I started peeking ( Twitchgirls) then it was totaly over and the urges overwhelmed me.
Fully relapsed this time pmo, iam not trying to search for excuses since iam the master of my thoughts and Aktions. I could have stopped the gaming and prevent the urges but I didn’t.

reviewed I think it was just to much emotional stuff going on, which made me very depressed and when this happens I start don’t care anymore and give myself fakepleaser🚫

Anyways resetting my counter, and already forgive myself, with new knowledge and mindset, I push even harder and btw girlfriend response was breaktime till everybody got his stuff healed. Happy about haveing time for myself, from all streaks I had, I think the next gonna be very good :relieved:.
Iam happy and thankfull for this journey, let’s get our shit together brother !!! This is our chance , let’s be free for good!

See you tomorrow brother stay strong :muscle:

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@Dane1989 It’s ok brother, we both made mistakes. But it’s how we learn from those that matter. I’m glad you are getting up again and ready to make the change. It sucks that your girlfriend wanted a break, but you’re right, now you have time for yourself to focus on this streak and heal. We got this.

Btw watch out for chaser’s bro! Yesterday I skipped journaling because I had so much work, but that was stupid. Journaling and reading is a must for the first 5 days for me. Otherwise it is easy to be sucked down the slippery slope again. Yes let’s be free for good!

Stay well bro, and don’t give in! :muscle:

Day 0 - Jan 27, 2021

Journaling for first five days 100%, don’t care if school is crazy. I’m also removing the steam app off my front page of my phone so I don’t mindlessly search. It worked with instagram, so I’ll do that. If I go search it out, then it’s already too late.

I read the resources page at the end of EasyPeasy and found that he references a book, ‘Rational Recovery’ by Jack Trimpey. In that he references Jack’s Addictive Voice Recognition Technique, which essentially deals with the urge’s (little monster) voice when you are having urges.

This was the one thing I felt was missing from EasyPeasy, dealing with the urges in the moment. In my past 175 day streak, my main reason for success was from journaling in the moment of urges and identifying the lies the urges were telling me, and then countering them. And it seems like Jack has made a whole technique for this. Since this is really my biggest problem right now, I’m going to start reading his book too, as well as rereading EasyPeasy. I’ll keep EasyPeasy for the morning, and Jack Trimpey’s book at night. Or maybe I’ll reverse it, I don’t know, I’ll have to see what seems best.

But anyway, I’ll keep writing about what I learn as I go. For now, I’ll implement my old technique of journaling my urges when I get them, no matter what. Even if I’m in the middle of something. I need to stop and address it.

Hope everyone is well, stay strong!


@Special_Bird wow 175 days streak you had, congratulations on this crazy streak brother, I was around 50 once but more smaller 20+ that’s always a crap number for me with urges.
Yep keep writing :writing_hand: Try the same.
Today I feel ok , and yes you are right very carefull because chaiser effect.

Focus is still on sleep schedule see you tomorrow iam hyped to make this my best streak, we are free, we are stronger now.

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Seems so powerful. I will use it too.
And brother, break that shitty chasing effect immediately. Don’t dissapoint us :wink:

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I have been following ur diary since long time and bro it’s not ok that u relapsed again, ur falling consistently … u need to identify ur triggers and eliminate them … Chaser effect is all over you . Beat that shit .

Don’t do same mistake again and again .

U can do it .

Do meditation when urges come .

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@Dane1989 Thanks brother, yeah in the summer of 2019 I started that streak and it ended early 2020. 50 days is good stuff bro! Honestly, after my 175 day streak, it was really surprising to me that after I relapsed it was so difficult to climb back up, and even now you would think that it would be easy to repeat what I did. I’m still reflecting on why this is. But now that I once again see the light at the end of the tunnel, I think it had something to do with my mindset. After I relapsed from that huge streak, I was so disappointed in myself that maybe I didn’t believe I could do it anymore, that deep-down I’d always be an addict. Maybe I thought there was something inherently wrong with me.

But all of those things were lies, it was my frame of mind. And I know even with my streak, I still had not rid myself of the brainwashing of society about PMO. When I had a stressful period in school and things weren’t going well in my dating life, I stopped journaling for awhile. And then I was telling myself, “well what is one peek? One peek couldn’t hurt. I deserve it” etc. And down the rabbit hole I went.

I think there was still learning to be had about the nature of this addiction, I might have unlocked a key strategy in mindfulness, which just goes to show it’s easy to escape this addiction so long as we are dedicated to being free and mindful of our pitfalls.

But it took me time to realize that how many times I relapse is not an indicator of my self worth, and I am not a terrible person, only that PMO ruins my confidence and makes me feel this way. My addicted brain constantly lies to me in order to make me feel bad and relapse. But once we escape, we see our inherent worth and our confidence builds. And additionally, while we are in the addiction, we feel as though it is not possible to escape, but merely pushing through that uncertainty shows us that we can be free, it’s only the addiction telling us we can’t because it wants us to stay forever.

The only way forward is freedom. Anyway, we can make it out brother, keep up the fight.

@Hubinho It really is bro! It helped me a lot in the past. And now that I see that it is something others have used to end this addiction, I’ll be using it in full force to rid myself of this curse. Hope you are doing well yourself :pray:

@Dean_Ambrose Trying my best bro, but I’m setting my eyes forward and not letting these feelings lead any other way. Stay strong as well :muscle:

Day 1 - Jan 28, 2021

Feeling quite down today, but I’m ignoring that. I can be free and I will be free. PMO is the source of my troubles and these feelings and I’m done feeding it.

When the urges come, I’ll be journaling them till I get to the bottom of them and identify and counter the lie. If there is something I need, I’ll address the need correctly and not turn to PMO.

I can be free from this.


@Special_Bird i agree with the mindset, once we have it, it become much easier to don’t fall into the pmo trap. Now when I think about it, i see what’s wrong with me. Iam constantly useing pmo to escape from things I don’t want to face. Second big misstake is the „overconfidence“ you spoke about „one peek isn’t bad“ those 2 things make me relapse. It’s time to address it you are right! It’s enough with that shit honestly iam done with it. And that’s the mindset we need! Porn those not do anything good for us NOTHING! We stop :stop_sign: :raised_hand: this crap now! How many proof we need to learn from this? No we already know it. I know how to end this addiction, the same way I stopped smoking cigarettes :smoking: I saw that smoking give me no benefits nothing good, instead it made me weak , could not breath good anymore after a few steps upwards. Guess what I did , I stopped instant and never touched a cigarette again because of my willpower. Iam smoke free 5 years and believe my when I drink a beer with friends I have huuuuge urges to smoke even if clean 5 years. So what I want to say is we need to be ready to beat this addiction mentally! The mindset is what us bring forward , identifying the lies we always face before relapsing, it’s always the same pattern. Let’s end this addition together brother we are long enough into this , iam hyped up and extremely carefull now because the time is running. We are to young for this time waste! Let’s go bro :muscle:

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@Dane1989 Exactly brother! We can beat this, because PMO holds nothing for us, no benefits, no enjoyment. There’s nothing to stay for, and there’s nothing holding us back from living free. The only thing that PMO guarantees is a lifetime of misery and pain.

Yes just like you kicked cigarettes! We can do this and leave it for good, it is 100% possible, again because we have no need for it and it gives nothing good. There’s nothing to return to.

Stay strong brother and keep your eyes set on the goal. We got this :muscle:

Day 2 - Jan 29, 2021

Yesterday was alright, was feeling down for most of the day, but I know it’s a symptom of my streak. Once I put distance between me and my last relapse, I will feel better. And I will feel less stressed about school and things going on around me. Because I can handle them just fine, it’s PMO that makes me stress and worry that I am not capable enough, it takes my confidence away.

Reminding myself that if I get urges, I journal right away, the minute I feel tempted. I will get to the bottom of it.

PMO created these feelings, so I will not relapse, I will bide my time, live my life, and watch things get better naturally.

Hope you all are well :pray:

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Day 5 - Feb 1, 2021

Past two days have been crazy busy and stressful, but I ended up getting through it. Reading Rational Recovery, the content is really good so far.

Feeling really tired today though, haven’t gotten as much sleep as I’d like the past few days, so tonight I’m setting an alarm and doing no games with friends.

Was feeling really discouraged about online dating apps last night. I think I’m just getting burnout. I think if things with the current girl I’m talking to don’t work out, I’m gonna take a break. I want to spend my time on things I’m passionate about. Right now, I realized I just don’t really have the motivation or direction to keep pursuing relationships right now. It almost feels like a flatline, and maybe that’s what it is. But I’d much rather just work on school and projects then find a girl.

Anyway, just some thoughts running through my mind right now. Streak has been good, and Rational Recovery is leading me through a good process very similar to EasyPeasy, which I’m really liking.

@Dane1989 How are you doing bro? Hope all is well :muscle:

Stay strong everyone!