Hey man
It sucks to “see” you in this relapse cycle/loop and what kind of stood up to me even more was this you said:
I’d like to remind you of your own words, that have inspired me too, “mindfulness = freedom”, it’s true. May I ask, why is it that you feel like “eliminating” those urges? How do you intent to eliminate them anyways? To raise awareness in this kind of situation, I’d rather recommend “talking” to that voice and trying to identify where it comes from and what the actual need is. Maybe start writing a trigger-thought-action journal:
Quite recent actually, I had urges I couldn’t quite right identify at first. All I sensed were those random thoughts of body parts and just every sexual images right in front of my inner eye. Then I looked a bit deeper: what trigger is causing this urge? where does that trigger come from? I then noticed that there were other factors and need in place that created that urge in the first place.
Try getting to the root cause and work there.
Take care.