Slavery at its peak

Confession
1

Written in evening :black_nib:

in youtube down below in a video, i was reading comments, there was a comment with thumbnail of nude pic of a women. The comment was a vulgar joke. In comment it was written to click on pic & subscribe. Out of curiosity & sexual attraction, i clicked on it. Channel had 3 videos with some adult thumbnails. My heartbeat became loud and i closed the channel & closed youtube.

In october i had relapsed like this, that time i was on day 21.
Learning from past & staying true to myself. I love myself. I cant be able to tell myself if i am making the same mistakes again & again.

((At night))
I gave into the temptations & started watching videos and thus relapsed in bathroom later.

:sob:

Cant blame flatline for the end of streak.
I dont know how people do it but this is realy hard for me.
My highest streak clean hard mode without edging was 38 days.
Man,i guess, it takes solid brick by brick to build a wall,
Most important a solid foundation.

After doing one orgasm, again i am having urges, this is pure slavery of mind.

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Day 1

Today, i saved my head & beard. It will regrow with strength of my sexual energy.

A narrow escape from relapse, there were thoughts of watching videos and suddenly my mom came and thus i went away.
I have to take responsibility of my streak. I know we cant blame videos when we are watching them with our own decisions.
When sexual energy is formed, it creates a pressure and it is easy to flow it downwards and 99% people take easy way while some experienced man handles the pressure & let it burn & turn into vapours which rises up and nourish the brain.

This is not a science experiment. I have used vapours, pressure as a symbol to convey my inner alchemy

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Day 2

To keep filling myself with good thoughts & motivation; i listen to bk shivani before going to sleep & osho geeta darshan in the afternoon.

Yesterday at night, i started my car engine for 15 minutes so that the battery remains charged.

Today, morning walked 1 round outside room.

There were sexual thoughts in morning wood & sexual dream at night.

Today Excercise (( Dand ))
5 sets of 10, 11, 12, 9, 10.
Total = 52.

There were urges today
Auto suggestions to watch videos and i want to Rewire.
Won
I want to be the master of my mind & body

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Day 3

Sexual dreams at night, sex thoughts during morning wood.

1 Round walking done.
Pull Up Bar workout 》
Pullups : 4, 4, 4, 4
Chinups : 4, 3
Armups : 3
Total = 26

Today, due to weakness, emotion of anger got better of me. Was not able to handle the stressful situation and started shouting at my mother & father.
I have to become mentaly strong to control my emotions.

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I have some questions bro, if you are married and have children then why you never talk to your wife and take her help? Why don’t you spend time with your children? I feel these small things will surely help you. You have talked about your parents a few times in your posts but except for introductory post, you have never talked about your wife and children. I hope everything is fine. Take care bro.

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They left me because of my bad behaviour & addiction.

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Day 4

A night full of unwanted trouble. Too much emotional, quaralling with family, brother, sisters. They are forcing me take antidepressents and visit a pschatrist. I don’t want to go because i have a solution for my problems. Difficulty is that i am not successfuly been able to reboot, kept failing & falling into more depression. I have huge hopes from this streak.

Woke up with negative thoughts, same thoughts which were troubling me before sleep. Whenever i do anger, i create a hell like thoughts which gives me a lot of pain afterwards.

Mood was bad and i was angry. Anger brusted when i saw a message on whatsapp. I quaralled with my wife. She has gone to her home. Her brother abused me on phone call and it has motivated me to become strong. I think these situations are arising to help me to change myself from weak to strong.

Nothing against all those people. They are just making my will more stronger. Maybe this is what i needed to finaly break free from this shity life.

Charged with emotional energy, i turned on the music box to loud volume & started my (( hiit workout. 2 rounds done. ))

Playing war games on phone calms me down for some time.

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It’s good brother that you are able to control.

There is no problem with asking for help. You can do it also brother :+1:

War games?
Psychologically, that’s exposing your brain to even more rage/killing. Maybe try meditation, or get a punching bag, or workout till you drop.
Personally, I play the piano with such force and vigour like Beethoven in a rage till I feel better :joy:

But try something else? Real violence and fantasy violence? Try to avoid both.

No offense brother. Keep going on the path to success.

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You are not invincible, I am sorry to say this but I can sense from your message that you are not trying to improve yourself in a good way instead you are using negative energy such as revenge, grudge, anger as a fuel to transform yourself.

I understand that you may not agree with me.

Why am I saying this? Because I can see it from your messages

My sister is also going with somewhat same issue, my brother in law is very aggressive and abusive, he does not understand feelings or emotions. I think that he has issues with p* and relapsing but I know he has also not consulted it with my sister either. He has two brilliant sons but he does not sees the goodness in them, abuses them and beats them sometimes due to which my sister quarrls with him.

I have tried to sort out things with them numerouse times politely but he never gets it, we had quarrel a few months back (i did not use any abusive words but still, I respected him a lot but now after knowing what he has done, I don’t respect him) as he did some inappropriate things which he should not have done.
I still hope things get better and they live happily.

I am not biased towards my sister. But due to his nature I think he is suffering with similar issue (of p* and relapsing) as I have also suffered with the same and I see a lot similarities between his and my behaviour. I have left this bad habits of p* and now I see the changes in myself and positivity but I remember my past mistakes and I always regret I was so imature and stuck in this habit and could not make the right choices for my life)

But one thing is clear that no matter how much deep he is in this habit, his actions cannot be justified. As a man we have to keep calm and see things clearly with all perspective it’s our duty to manage relations with our family and when someone does wrong, we have to let them know of their mistakes and also embrace our mistake and correct them, be a man and make right choices)
Life is not a game, we may lie to anyone but we cannot lie to our inner voice, it haunts us sooner or later.

I am not lecturing you but I am telling you this because i wish I could make things better between them, I don’t want that to happen with you and your beautiful family.
We have to see good in things not just always complain.

I can complain about his behaviour to my father but I don’t want to take things to him as he has completed a lot of responsiblities so I don’t want to bother him. If I tell my father about this, he will crush my brother in laws whole family as he has all the money and power But I don’t want to take things that far as I mentioned above, but if it does not get sorted soon, I rather believe it will be the last resort.
But at the same time I want my brother in law and sister to live happily and they start understanding and respecting each other more :heart:

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This is wrong brother, not the right way to deal with the sick person.

If you can’t help your brother-in-law. Please dont have such rage emotions to hurt him because as you can see when my साला abused me, he lost my respect, also earned me as a enemy and life long fued.

The best solution is to make him realize his weakness in controlling his emotions
OR
You should train your sister to be like as strong as BKshivani didi. One good person is enough to create a heaven in family and one lotus is enough to give fragrance in the mud.

Yes you are right. Thanks for pointing that right.

I realized this yesterday night when i saw BK shivani video on self reflection and when i started the self reflection
I saw that i started all the mess.

@selfconqurer

Plz give your sister & brother in law these videos.
These can change their lives.
Also introduce spirituality in their lives.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8BCGs3ul_7R1j_LBAa7oaJMBEWVGr_55

Currently i am learning & watching Being Shakti series.

Thanks.

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Day 5

Meditation done for 3 minutes at night.
Before sleep reflected on my troubles and i found out that i am the center of all my problems. my reaction to stimulus is very important. Cant blame on situations. Tough men survives situation after situations.

Walked 1 round around the gallery.

Cleaned my room with broom, prepared my protein shake.

( दंढ ) dand
21
21
21
12
10
Total = 85
Increased energy increased the intensity & reps in today excercise.

Today, i dont know how but i went outside with my brother. Second victory came when my brother was saying bad things about me and i at once remembered that this is the same situation and how to take care of it and i didnt reacted to my brother frustration. I talked calmly and logicaly.

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Day 6

Last night i had lucid dreams 2 times and i woke up at 3 am & 6 am. I saw my daughter playing and i miss her. Some dream was related to the places where i want to go.
Quality of sleep is better now. It is because of my hard work during the day.

1 Round walking.

Pull up Bar Workout 》
6
4
4
4
5
4
4
Total = 31
(( improvement/Progress))

Good News : my wife called me. She enquired about my health.
Yesterday i send her love via my thoughts at night, maybe it reached her via mystical paths or via radio frequency.( Who knows ? ) But she care about me.
:heart:

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Good job brother. You are really inspiring. Keep going on this great path.

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Saying things like, I’m the master, invincible, on the side of light is not particularly helpful in my experience. I understand that when you are stuck in the mud, affirmations can be powerful motivators. However, desire, especially almost untamed desire isn’t conquered by pretending to be stronger than one is. It is however conquered by becoming stronger each day and proving to yourself and those around you that you have good intentions and those are made manifest in your good deeds. This will put you on the path. Their is a lot seemingly wanting to be godlike in this forum, alphamale or whatever. People who have trouble controlling desire are not godlike and I think it’s poisonous to think so.

I’m not saying you said all this, ,just responding to the sentiment I perceived. Best of luck. When you are in chaos, the only path is forward. If you are depressed, write down everything you did the day before and create a map to abide by the next day that’s more virtuous and life giving, if you are basically healthy, mentally and physically you will be less depressed. <3

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Day 7

Woke up with good energy.
2 rounds walking. ((Progress/increased reps))
At first, my head was shaking due to fear, I let my head shake with ease & the fear went away. The head became stable.
Brain is working nicely.

Sent good wishes to my wife via message.
5 minutes sat for meditation.((progress))
& Good posture and sat with ease, little movement. Overall best experience of meditation so far.

3 Rounds Hiit ((progress)) Today, sweat came out of my body in winter. Approx.16 minutes continous physical cardio including warm up & cool down.

1st week Review

:blush: Great progress in physical & mental health, Rise in confidence, Great Progress in Life overall.

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You’re doing good bro. I’m sure that you’ll destroy this addiction and will be with your loving wife, daughter and entire family happy again. You deserve it bro. God is with you.

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Thanks @PrDr for the lovely message.

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Day 8

Flatline has come.
Anxiety, brain fog, no motivation, too much thoughts.

Today, when 2 stressful situation arrived. I lost my cool in 2nd one and became impatient, anger outbrust with my mother and though i at once realized and restrained the beast till the atmosphere calm. Actualy at 1st situation my wife yelled at me on phone call and i was frustrated and helpless. Then when 2nd situation arrives, i couldnt handle it.

Today was rest day, tomorrow regardless of flatline i will do workout and be positive & optimistic about my future.
Tough times don’t last forever but Tough people do.

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Day 9

Flatline/Healing continues…
Muscles are getting stronger.
Today; did my dand workout.
25
25
21
13
16
Total = 100 dand

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Day 10

Flatline/Healing continues…

1 Round walking
Pull up bar workout 》
6
5
4
3
5
6
3
Total = 32 (( improvement ))

My thinking is changing, now i am becoming more open minded & easy going.

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