Sam's fight with Mr. Hyde (38 M)

Still here! I got a big chunk of work done over the past couple of weeks and am preparing for the final defense of my PhD. It will sure be nice to be done with that.

Also, I had the interview today with the overseas Missions place that I almost chickened out on. It was a bit intense, and the guy I interviewed with did want to talk about some personal things, including my history with pornography and masturbation. I was honest about the masturbation, but I struggled a bit about what to say about pornography. I really don’t know what to call this “pseudo-p*rn” thing I get into. Generally, it wouldn’t be considered pornography, and I said pornography hasn’t been an issue for a long time. I don’t really know if that was an accurate answer, but it was kind of worded as a “yes or no” thing and I wasn’t sure what else to say. If I said I was struggling with pornography, that doesn’t really seem like it would have been accurate either.

So, I’m drafting a follow-up message to try to explain my “pseudo-pornography” struggle in a little more detail, trying not to sound completely bizarre. My worry is that the guy will want to do a follow-up phone call to discuss it, which seems like it would be a horrifying experience: “Hello, let’s discuss your experiences looking at women’s shoes and masturbating”… Although, it probably wouldn’t be like that.

But - this might be the way that God is delivering me once and for all from this habit, whether or not I get the job. I used to struggle with envy. Then I started confessing my envy to the people I envied and asking their forgiveness, and the struggle evaporated. Maybe this will be a similar experience. Anyway, sooner or later, I have got to stop letting fear and shame push me around. I’m almost 40 - I’m a grown man!

I realize that people outside of the faith might think that a job interview where you talk about masturbation is really weird. But this is a Christian ministry, and they want to know where I am spiritually and emotionally - I think partly so that they know whether or not I’m prepared for potentially challenging situations. Honestly, I don’t know if I am. But it’s their call, I guess.

Edit: I just sent the follow-up message. It almost kind of hurt a little when I pressed send - this stuff is hard to admit to. Probably the right thing to do though.

The thing is, I have a big presentation due tomorrow, and I’m way behind. Crazy day - trying to get this done and wrestling with my inner self at the same time.

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Tell them the truth, that you are overcoming this pornography issue. Trust your judgement and don’t go with your gut. Pray to Jesus for the answers and He will give you the answer that you need.

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Thought I would check in with an update. I sent off a clarification email to the guy I interviewed with. Kind of a painful thing to do…the whole interview was pretty intense really. For someone with a touch of social anxiety anyway. He emailed back with basically a “thanks for the clarification and honesty”, and something about being in touch again after I send my references. Maybe it was TMI on my part and “struggling with masturbation” was enough to answer the question. But I figure, it’s his job, so I’m not going to worry too much about it. If he didn’t want details, he shouldn’t have asked me about pornography and masturbation :joy:

Anyway, this level of vulnerability (outside of an anonymous forum) was something at the edge of what I thought myself capable of, and I feel somewhat happy about that. God has been answering my prayers, I think. Also, I think the cold showers and workouts might have been somewhat effective. I have gotten a little more used to doing things that hurt or are uncomfortable, and of not giving in to the urge to run away.

And then today, I presented my PhD thesis. I don’t actually defend until next Tuesday, but this is another big milestone. Not sure how that fits in here, but I thought I would share it. I was kind of nervous, but after the earlier part of this week it seemed like less of a challenge than it might otherwise have been. I didn’t have to tell anyone that I sometimes masturbate to women’s shoes.

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Well, I passed the defense today. Still a lot of editing to do, and I actually feel kind of dumb rather than smart, considering all the questions I couldn’t answer, but somehow I passed.

Thought I would share that here, since you all are starting to become family to me.

Lots of things to process…it has been a little bit of an intense experience, and I’m almost finished with something that took over 5 years to complete.

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Congratulations!! I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to work on your PhD thesis and then presenting it. This is definitely one of the hardest thing to achieve in life. I’m guessing it must have been pretty intimidating having to defend your thesis. You should be very proud of yourself. Go and celebrate this great milestone.

God bless you brother.

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Congratulations brother. Its not an easy feat that you have accomplished. It’s worth celebrating. But celebrate after you have finished your work lol. BTW if you are comfortable sharing, can you tell me what was your research area in phD?

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Congratulations! No you are just getting smarter than a crazy person. Just be strong in the Lord and praise the Lord for this than giving yourself the praise. Without God nothing is possible, but with God all things are possible.

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Congratulations, man! I’m glad you passed! Thanks for sharing the good news with us! :smiling_face:

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Thanks all! @PrDr my research focuses on burrowing animals.

Now is a time to be vigilant. I have read, and I think I have experienced, that after a stressful time the urges can be stronger. I have been feeling some temptation lately now that I am under less pressure.

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