Still here! I got a big chunk of work done over the past couple of weeks and am preparing for the final defense of my PhD. It will sure be nice to be done with that.
Also, I had the interview today with the overseas Missions place that I almost chickened out on. It was a bit intense, and the guy I interviewed with did want to talk about some personal things, including my history with pornography and masturbation. I was honest about the masturbation, but I struggled a bit about what to say about pornography. I really don’t know what to call this “pseudo-p*rn” thing I get into. Generally, it wouldn’t be considered pornography, and I said pornography hasn’t been an issue for a long time. I don’t really know if that was an accurate answer, but it was kind of worded as a “yes or no” thing and I wasn’t sure what else to say. If I said I was struggling with pornography, that doesn’t really seem like it would have been accurate either.
So, I’m drafting a follow-up message to try to explain my “pseudo-pornography” struggle in a little more detail, trying not to sound completely bizarre. My worry is that the guy will want to do a follow-up phone call to discuss it, which seems like it would be a horrifying experience: “Hello, let’s discuss your experiences looking at women’s shoes and masturbating”… Although, it probably wouldn’t be like that.
But - this might be the way that God is delivering me once and for all from this habit, whether or not I get the job. I used to struggle with envy. Then I started confessing my envy to the people I envied and asking their forgiveness, and the struggle evaporated. Maybe this will be a similar experience. Anyway, sooner or later, I have got to stop letting fear and shame push me around. I’m almost 40 - I’m a grown man!
I realize that people outside of the faith might think that a job interview where you talk about masturbation is really weird. But this is a Christian ministry, and they want to know where I am spiritually and emotionally - I think partly so that they know whether or not I’m prepared for potentially challenging situations. Honestly, I don’t know if I am. But it’s their call, I guess.
Edit: I just sent the follow-up message. It almost kind of hurt a little when I pressed send - this stuff is hard to admit to. Probably the right thing to do though.
The thing is, I have a big presentation due tomorrow, and I’m way behind. Crazy day - trying to get this done and wrestling with my inner self at the same time.