Sam's fight with Mr. Hyde (38 M)

Journal
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Day 11, supplemental

Interestingly, I ended up having a lucid dream after I went back to sleep. In other words, a dream where I knew I was dreaming and had a certain amount of control over things. Perhaps waking up in the middle of the night and pondering how aware I am and how much control I have in my dreams encourages a lucid mindset.

Anyway, I have come to feel that one of my big life issues at the moment is a lack of courage. To be honest, I feel like a wimp sometimes. For example, I’m still mulling over this missions opportunity. I think one of my hesitations is just plain fear about the two-hour phone interview, and the possibility that my struggle with masturbation might come up. That kind of fear should not be dictating my life’s decisions, and I shouldn’t be hiding in shame. Also, I feel that if I were emotionally tougher, I would have an easier time resisting urges when they show up.

So, I have decided to take some steps to train myself in courage and mental toughness. I’m planning to implement regular cold showers, and plan to go to bed early tonight so that I can be up by 6:00 tomorrow morning. I have also started delaying eating when I feel hungry, which I read is supposed to help. I want to keep up with exercise and workouts too, but my time is somewhat limited this month.

I was trying to find an app similar to rewire companion that was geared towards mental toughness and courage building, but I have had trouble finding one. Does anyone out there know of anything?

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Hey brother, download Iron Will now to help yourself overcome challenges: https://ironwill.page.link/download

It has helped @user1234567890 and me as well. God bless you Brother and don’t give up hope. Keep fighting and know that our redeemer lives.

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Thanks!

Just a quick post to let you all know I’m still around. Extremely busy this week. Keeping up with exercises, cold showers, and trying to keep up with regular bedtimes. Regular sleep is a little more difficult, as I am getting towards the end of my PhD program.

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Day 19

Felt a little tempted today. I seem to recognize a thought pattern that leads to relapse, and it seems to help to shut it down as soon as possible. It starts with the seemingly innocent desire for female interaction. But it gets complicated from there, partly because I don’t know many single Christian women my age, and partly because I’m not sure I really want to get married at this point. I haven’t entirely figured out what to do with my healthy sexual desires, and I start looking for creative methods, I suppose. Or ways of finding women online besides conventional dating sites. Not surprisingly, this line of thought has not been very successful.

Anyway, I’m learning to give up before I start thinking too much of “creative” things. It’s disappointing, but I just need to accept that there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do with sexual desire other than ignore it. So, I give up and let my thoughts move on to more realistic ideas, like searching the Amazon for lost cities or something. The temptation here is to become resentful and bitter, but I think that’s improving too.

Anyway, the last 19 days haven’t been very difficult otherwise. I kind of feel like I’m moving on with my life. Maybe it’s because of this missions opportunity. I’m still struggling with whether or not to look into it further. The next step, after submitting the application, would be the 1.5 - 2 hour interview. Whether or not the conversation would even go that direction, I have a lot of self-consciousness about my struggles with sin, and still have some shame in that area. I feel unworthy, I guess.

But either way, I am a lot more motivated to grow in my faith. I have kind of stagnated over the past year or two, and I really don’t feel like I am where I want to be. Masturbation is just a part of that, I think. The idea that “the Bible doesn’t say anything about it, so it probably isn’t technically a sin” has been an excuse for me when it comes to masturbation without ■■■■ or fantasy, and even when it comes to fetishes involving inanimate objects like women’s shoes or underwear (“hey, I’m not looking at a woman to lust, right?”). But we are clearly told that we are supposed to be self-controlled. And, if I were in a healthy relationship with Christ, it seems like I should be less concerned with technicalities and more concerned with making sure I was pleasing Him in everything. If it seems wrong, I should probably avoid it.

Oh well, that was a bit of a rambling post. The “toughness training” is going well. I can get through the abs workout video that I have been following without having to pause it too many times, and am usually getting in a couple of miles of walking each day. The cold showers are much easier. And I haven’t slept in past 10:00 for a while. Speaking of which, I had better stop typing and start winding down for the day, because I want to be asleep before too long.

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@MrSam105 read Genesis 38. Onan died because God did not like him spilling his seed. What that tells me is God does not like us spilling our seed. I know that today in our age He want kill us for spilling our seed, but we do sin and ask for forgiveness. If we don’t we will spend eternal damnation in hell.

God bless you Brother and don’t give up. Keep fighting and know that our redeemer lives.

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I can relate to so many things you said. I’m in the same boat as you on a lot of that stuff. I don’t have a girlfriend either and a lot of times, I feel pretty lonely, and want to find someone. But at the same time, I want to be able to control my desires before trying to commit to a relationship, because I know of men who went into marriage without dealing with this, and it caused a lot of pain for their relationship.

Again, I feel you on that one.

You don’t know how many times that line of thinking has lead me right into a relapse. I’ve thought, “Well, I’m not looking at pornography, so it’s technically alright,” or, “Well, I’m not thinking about a real girl. I’m just imagining what it’ll be like once I’m married.” But you’re absolutely right in what you said there! :+1:

Not at all! :smile: You feel free to talk on here any time you want! We’re here for you, and we’re praying for you! :smiling_face:

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Day 21

Thanks again for the encouragement.

@Believe_100, I see where you are coming from, and a lot of people would agree with you. Personally, I think Onan was put to death for his refusal to fulfil his responsibility, and possibly because in the process he was being really disrespectful to God, his family, and his wife. I think his spilling his seed was how he went about this act of disobedience. But that’s just my interpretation, and the fact that a lot of people think otherwise is another reason that I should probably not risk it.

Anyway, I went and submitted the application today for the overseas missions opportunity. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I don’t know if I’m ready for it or not. But I don’t see how it could be going against God’s will to at least make myself available. If He doesn’t want to use me here, that’s up to Him.

The main reason I didn’t want to do it was out of anxiety over the interview, and my fear of being vulnerable. I have an anxiety disorder, part of which is social anxiety. Interestingly, I’m fairly comfortable talking to a room full of people, but I tend to get stressed over informal interactions. Especially if I’m being evaluated. One of the most terrifying things to me is a job interview. And this one could last up to two hours! And I think more than that, it’s the period of anticipation leading up to the interview that I have been worried about.

But at the moment, I feel a lot better for having made the decision. I was really agonizing over it. My “toughness training” might be working, or else God has been answering my prayers for courage. Or both.

Not much new from Mr. Hyde. I feel (or hope, at least) that that last streak took the fight out of him.

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Day 23

After submitting the application, I kind of had second thoughts. Another aspect of the interview is to assess my emotional health. I guess the plan is to send me into situations that could potentially be challenging. My emotional health has not been the best this past year or so. I started thinking that they would probably not accept me anyway, so I sent another email to say I was thinking I would wait a while on this. But then I started regretting that. Finally, I explained that I was having doubts about my spiritual and emotional health, and wanted to give it some time to see where I am. The guy I have been talking to is understanding, but he pointed out that they aren’t looking for perfect people. Which I suppose makes sense, since it is a Christian ministry after all.

In job interviews, the goal is usually to make myself look as good as possible, but it makes sense that an interview about how I might be able to serve God wouldn’t be like that. It’s not how I became a Christian, and it isn’t the way we’re supposed to live. “When I am weak, then am I strong”. Well, I’m pretty weak, so there’s that going for me :slightly_smiling_face:

Anyway, not much new on the Hyde front. Thinking about rereading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde though. Might be a good one for this time of year :jack_o_lantern:

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Amen! God’s strength is made perfect in weakness!

That would be pretty cool! You know, I’ve never read the book, so I need to add that to my reading list. I do have The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and I thought I might read that one (The Jack-O-Lantern brought that to mind :smile:).

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I think I have read that one. It’s been a while though. Another good one. I’m a big fan of classic fiction.

Day 24 (I think)

Feeling much better these days. I wonder how much of this cycle is in my imagination, but it feels like it takes about two weeks at least to fully recover after a relapse. When I was a kid it seems like I would bounce back by the next day, but then I wasn’t as convicted about it as I am now. But also, I have some neurotransmitter issue in my brain (anxiety and depression), so that might play a role. A big, sudden drop in dopamine may be a little more difficult for my physiology to deal with. I also crash pretty hard from caffeine, although I recover from that fairly quickly.

Anyway, I seem to feel so much different now than I did last week. Last week, I was so concerned about pursuing a missions opportunity while feeling like a “masturbater”. Now, I feel relieved that I didn’t give up the chance just because I have masturbated in the past. Not that I minimize sin (I hope), but it’s more that I don’t identify with it like I did. I mean, it wasn’t my identity before, but it’s easier to feel that way now. I’ve been a child of God and a Royal Priest all along, but now I feel less awkward about the royal title. 1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

Maybe too, I have been drawing closer to God in the past couple of weeks. I was really feeling convicted there for a bit about how lazy my spiritual life had become.

Now, I realize from experience, and from others’ experience, that I can’t get overconfident. It’s a little scary how the tide can turn so quickly.

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Day 35

Some temptation today. Not quite urges. But I started investigating dating apps again, and got kind of hooked for a while browsing through two of them.

I don’t know… It’s a dilemma. I don’t meet many Christian singles my age, and I don’t do do well with online dating. I know online dating apps can lead to temptation, but sometimes it seems like a necessary risk. Then again, sometimes it seems so pointless. The profiles look so much alike, and the chatting is monotonous after a while. I just don’t get very interested in women that I haven’t really met, however pretty they might be.

Anyway, I finished Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Very enjoyable book, and scarily relatable. I don’t want to give too much away in here, because there are people in this forum from other countries for whom the story might not be a part of popular culture. And younger people, maybe, who aren’t familiar with the story. But, of course, there is a reason why I titled my journal the way I did :tophat:

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Day 37 (?)

Kind of a pathetic day.

I had a dream last night in which I held hands with a nice girl, and later kissed her hand. It was a very sweet experience. Such a thrill to unexpectedly discover a romantic bond with a girl who (in the dream) was someone I already knew (I actually don’t know her in real life). I woke up wanting to give dating another try.

I deleted one of the two apps that I installed the other day, the second one being so limited that I figured it wouldn’t be addicting. After going through my allotted number of profiles, many of which looked like fakes to me, I came to the end of the list and wanted to keep trying. And the dream made me want a deeper experience than the wife-shopping of dating apps. At this point, I think to myself that surely, somewhere on the internet, there is a way to actually get to know people without it being shallow, picture-based dating apps. What about social media?

I don’t know what I’m doing when I do this social media browsing. I have a blog on tumblr that I think sometimes will help me to express myself and really get to know people through more normal interactions. And maybe, there will be a lady whose unique personality matches my own, and maybe we could get to know each other. But then I start searching, seeing if there is anyone interesting to get to know, and my searches get riskier and riskier little by little. Not outright pornography, although there is nudity on tumblr if you aren’t careful, and I did see some of it. Later, I switched to Instagram (that’s when desperation or stupidity must really be kicking in, since you can’t really get to know anyone browsing Instagram as far as I know), but fortunately gave up on that before getting sucked too far in. It’s hard to kid myself when I’m browsing Instagram.

Anyway, whether I’m browsing social media with the thought in the back of my mind that I want to see inappropriate pictures, or if I’m just browsing social media hoping to get to know someone, it is way too addicting. I wasted so much time today browsing. I had to stay home this evening and work on my thesis, instead of going to my Bible study group, which I might not have had to do otherwise.

I don’t have time for this distraction!! Time is running out on this thesis…

Anyway, it starts with a sweet, rather beautiful dream, and ends with a half-wasted day on social media being titillated off and on (either intentionally or unintentionally) by smutty photos. There is certainly a disconnect between the ideal and the way things play out.

Oh well. I deleted the second dating app in the end. Maybe it’s best just to give up. Dating apps don’t seem to take me anywhere except back to circling the drain.

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Day 38 (?)

Stupid night last night. I have been wondering if I should count it as a relapse - I was “edging”, but stopped and took a cold shower before finishing. So on the one hand, it seems like a failure because I masturbated (even though I didn’t go through to the end), but on the other hand I didn’t completely yield.

Then again, I had to get up early and work on my thesis, after which I had a meeting this morning. So I had some extra motivation not to relapse entirely.

More stupidity, pseudo-■■■■, etc. Getting aroused with random pictures of underwear (not on anyone), and videos of women’s clothing and shoes being trashed and getting messy (there is a small niche of fetish videos around that, apparently). Trying to ignore the women that show up in the pictures and videos from time to time, so I can tell myself it’s not pornography. But I think these things are a proxy for women in my mind, which is why they are arousing and why they are probably not much better than looking at actual women. There seems to be an element of sadism involved too, which is troubling. But there is something with the messy aspect too - I don’t understand it exactly myself, but it’s my biggest fetish. I don’t talk much about it here because I’m afraid of triggering someone. Maybe I’ll talk more about it later. To me it’s highly arousing, but I think to most people it’s just weird, or even light-heartedly funny.

The cold shower worked surprisingly well though. I have been skeptical of it in the past. I have been taking cold showers recently to help grow in mental toughness, but it seems like I didn’t have much luck before with getting rid of urges that way. But also, I have built up my tolerance enough now that I can stand a cold shower a lot longer than before.

Anyway, I’ll keep the count as-is for now. But I’m considering taking a less tolerant approach in the future and counting it as a relapse whenever I start masturbating regardless of the result.

Ugh…

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Day 0-1

I don’t know what to say. What an idiot. Why don’t I learn?

Will it ever end?

Shoe stuff. My “substitute” pornography is what it is. Got there after an evening of risky social media searches.

I don’t know. The distraction was getting troublesome for my work though. I cannot waste time like I have been. Not that a relapse is good, but at least I should be able to focus now.

Experiencing some disgust with myself at the moment.

Why am I an idiot? Why am I so weak?

I’ll get it this time though.