@Raindrop, your diary is quite interesting. However we missed your initial days, which are in general tough.
If you tell about your self , age ,martial status and how you ma naged your urges and temptations in the initial 50 days.
Thanks Bro.Keep going, want to follow your for steps on the journey of NF.
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After 244 days. I have relapsed and Iām back to day 0 again. To be specific, I did not look at porn.
It is now time for me to reevaluate what went wrong and what went right. Latelyā¦Iāve been sick a lot. Due to being sick, I havenāt been able to keep up a positive attitude nor exercise much. Exercise was my number 1 medicine to battling the bad habits.
The time when I relapsed was around 2 to 3am in the morning, where typically my decision making abilities arnt so great. I was feeling all the tension and stress from my personal lifeā¦and I have been going through a traumatic experience where I am being replaced as a father figure by some other dude my ex is now dating. I felt drowned in pain as I slowly accepted this horrible reality.
It made me more depressed as I come to accept that this worst case scenario was indeed unfolding before my eyes. Everyday I would wake up but it felt like I was living a nightmare.
I lost the energy to exercise anymore. I told myselfā¦whats the use anymore? Whatās the point of trying so hard when the reality isā¦that things will never be the same or better as far as my family situation goes?
Not exercising and keeping up a positive attitude left my mind in a vulnerable state of confusion, loneliness and frustration. This in turn left me to subconsciously to look for an escape of some sortā¦and it ended up me relapsing around 2 in the morning.
So what do I now? Well I think its important to refresh the original vision that I had for myself and refocus all my energy to becoming a better person again. Unlike the past relapsesā¦I am at least being positive and kinder to myself. I also resisted any urge to look at porn.
One other thingā¦I need to figure out how to cope with these traumatic experiences Iām going through. Basicallyā¦I need to recognize a loss when it is a loss and move on. I need to also accept that life is not over and that there are still so many beautiful experiences out there for me to experience.
There is this emotional wound that keeps getting opened againā¦and it has left a permanent scar to keep reminding me of all my failures. I need to let it heal fully and the only way to do so is to proactively build up my life again.
Wellā¦here I go again. Onto rewiring my life.
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We fall and we rise no matter what! Itās sad to read this but you have made a huge progress you are one of the guys I look up to, at first I could not even farthom how someone could go even for a week without pmo, and then I discovered this forum along with amazing guys like you that made me feel even more motivated to do this! I repeat you made a HUGE! Progress you have seen what you can do soo now you get back up again and fight back because this is life and we face challenges sometimes they knock us down but that does not mean we stay down!
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Thanks @nagate your support means a lot to me. Iām also sad that this happend lately and it was definitely not worth it. Its actually kind of crazy just how much a one time thing can affect your mentality about everything else. I had so much drive and passion before I slowly went down the negative thought patterns that led to a relapse. Now I gotta go through the painful process of trying to build it up againā¦ but you are rightā¦I am stronger than I used to be and have made progress. I hope to jump start the pedal and build up a momentum that can cannot be stopped this time around.
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Yes, we fall and rise, but rise higher.
Remember 244ā¦ you need to cross this mark.
You are really a good motivation to me
Iām on day 42
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Day 2. I forgot just how difficult it is once you relapse. Your brain naturally looks for pleasant feelings and once that part is triggeredā¦you often want to seek more of it. Often, you gotta do the thing that makes you uncomfortable and fight through the pain. Itās funny how life works that way. For example, this morning I really didnt want to get upā¦but I knew if I slept any longerā¦I would feel even more sluggish and lazy later. So I forced myself to just get up and get going and it felt good. I also forced myself to do a 100 push ups even though naturallyā¦I wanted to just cry in the corner and feel sorry for myself for all the crap that Iām dealing with in my life.
When I was on a roll around day 30 and up to day 240ish, PMO wasnt even a temptation. After only one relapse, all of the sudden my body is craving it againā¦which I must actually put forth the effort and fight against.
I must continue to remind myself why im doing this. Iām doing this so that I can have freedom and confidence knowing I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. I want to cut out the fat of bad habits that are not needed for my happiness. I want to feel in control of my body and my urges. My hope is that by being in control of myself, I can also develop the patience and self-mastery to become very skillful at my chosen field of work.
Basicallyā¦in life you learn to have these 2 things:
Endless patience.
Being extremely organized.
Having patience means to fight against your natural tendency to take the easy way out. It means to become a finisher. Someone who does everything they can to always finish a task they started out.
Being organized means to both identify and have a place for everything and know when to get rid of things you dont need and cut out any bad behaviors that you might have.
I relapsed because I didnt have enough patience and wasnt organized enough. I didnt know how to deal with this emotional pain that I was experiencing. This can also go under the organized category if Iām to simplify it. If I say saw a therapist or somethingā¦I may have been able to deal with it in a more positive manner. But I didnt have the patience to truely find a healthy way to deal with itā¦instead I seeked out instant gratification of binge watching, eating and in turn, relapsing. I made excuses that since Iām sickā¦thereās only so much I can do to cope with it. This was my thinking error.
Anyways Iām just gonna stop here before I ramble on and on too long.
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You are my hero my friend!!
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