3:12 AM , 17/6/24
Im dead tired, but my mind won’t stop thinking about Ender’s Game, I should’ve not watched it before bed, its so good, but now 8 can’t sleep
1 Like
I panic and feel paralized, big part of it because I dont feel that someone have my back, but rather feel that people would look down at me and abandom me if I wasn’t AMAZING.
One thing that makes me calm down and feel comfortable and safe is my father, but it rarely happens. He’s really important to me, I needed him but I had to be his enemy, cause as a child no one would stand up to him, and I had to. He used to go crazy. And still goes nuts sometime, but nowadays much much less. But our relationship is broken. We tried our best to help him and protect my self at the same time, these 2 couldn’t always go together. Like a really young age, no one in the family would do anything, like the whole family tree, and while im the youngest and I needed him most I had to be his enemy for his sake to let him know that something isn’t right.
I still get panic attacks and can’t do anything for hours or days.
I was truthfull to him, held a merror didn’t act like everything is alright, everyone else kept patting his back.
I can’t stand when someone tells me I can’t get make this world better and that I can’t change thing, Because when I needed my father the most I still did the right thing for his sake, for everyone’s sake, and didn’t suck up to him. And he has gotten better, but I paid and still paying huge price. Cause I need a father, I need support.
I’ve been there for all people that knew me in real life, i was there there for them to calm them down, to tell them don’t worry everything’s gonna be alright, and I’ve your back, and I walked with them and helped as much as possible. But still in my life journy I don’t have someone. I still didn’t give up on my father, that he might understand me one day, and it still pains me alot.
We do live together and work together, but the relation ship is “always be ready for a war”.
3 Likes
Dont know what to say , But have u ever tried counceling by a proffesional ? 2 years ago , I had huge mental breakdown. Suicidal thoughts were common. Counceling has helped me a lot. If u have not tried it , I would suggest give it a try once in a week / month.
2 Likes
Thanks bro, I’ve tried it once before it was helpful,
I did for couple years, this year I’m trying alone.
Will see how I can handle things . Thank you again 
2 Likes
I had an amazing day at work, like long long long tiring day but was great. At the end of the day im left tired and lonely, with knee pain,I had 3 knee surgeries and I’m neglecting doing the forth, but the pain still worth it today.
1 Like
لنفسي ولربي
لما كنت صغير.
بحلم اخدم وأحب كثير كثير، وبحلم بيوم اشوف يسوع المسيح. ودايما كان عندي الرغبة انه اعيش 800 -900 سنة او قد ما لازم، لحتى اشوف يسوع المسيح متجسد من جديد، دايما كنت احبه ومشتقله ومتشوق يجي يوم وأشوفه. بس دايما كان عني الشعور اني رح اموت صغير
كثير مرات كنت افكر بالموت، وأقول بس بدي الحق احب واساعد واخدم، بعد معملتش كفاي، ساعدني يا ربي وخليني بين الناس اجرب أخدم . وكان عندي حلم/شعور انه اكون عظيم بالخدمه والمحبة، وحسيت انه لما اموت رح اشتاق كثير للناس الي على الأرض ورح اطلب اني أخدم كمان.
هاي أفكار/رغبات/حلم/رؤية كانت عندي كثير مرات بحياتي.
اليوم بقول بعرف ايش ربي بدو مني ومن حياتي بس انا كثير بعيد عن هاد الاشي وانا سمحت للناس وللظروف يبلبلو فكري وإخترت طريق مختلفة، وخنت ربي، بسبب ضعفي وضعف ايماني.
وانا صغير كنت أقول بدي اشوفك يا رب كمان 800 سنة (اشي من هالشكل) ،اليوم صرت اقول يا رب بدي اشوفك اسا اسا، .وصرت احط شروط وشغلات لربي. ربي ثابت وواضح لكن انا تغييرت كثير وصرت بدي أغيير الرب على كيفي. تكبرت عكل البشر وحتى على ربي، كنت بدي أخدم الكل واليوم صرت امشي و اتكبر عليهم وبدي من الكل يخدمني ويعترف فيي. طز طزين ثلاثة علي وعلى عظمتي.
انا يا رب لما بلشت اتغيير، تغييرت لأنه شفت العالم بدو تغيير واذا ما تغييرت انا ،العالم ما رح يتغيير، و بالآخر العالم غييرني وهو ما تغيير، بس عشان تشوف انه ما إلي سلطة واني مش عظيم، وما بقدر على اشي بدونك، والمشكلة اني صرت احط موعد نهائي للأمور/المشاكل، وصرت بدي اياها تنحل وتتغيير لحد هذا التاريخ كحد اقصى، وبدي امشي الأمور والحياة عكيفي. لكن ما الي سلطة، ما الي قوة ومرات كثير انا غلطان والأمور اساسا ما لازم تتغيير.
مع اني بعيد، بعدت عنك يا رب، لكن انت كنت دايما معي وبحياتي وعم تحميني وتوجهني وتدير بالك علي، كنت دايما بحياتي وما تركتني.
شكرا الك يا ربي، بمجدك وبعظمك، وبركعلك وبسلمك كل حياتي وكل نفسي. ولو اني خاطي يا رب، لما بركعلك بنزل وبنحني ،وبنزل معي كل خطاياي، إمسحني يا ربي نظف فكري وقلبي ورغباتي . بركعلك وانا مليان شر، إمسح الشر والخطية عني.
يا رب اصير شي يوم نظيف ومتواضع وخادم كبير، يا رب شي يوم اصير قديس.
آمين 
I can’t get myself to study, I have no one to talk to in my life. I’m frustared with this situation, and I feel like hurting myself is the only way to go on this. I cant do anything, perhaps hurting myself would force me to act up.
1 Like
بدي اقول، انه عند العرب، الطبيعي انه الولد يبقى ببيت أهله لجيل كبير، لحد ما يتجوز او يستقل. وهاي النقطة بتيجي مع تحديات كبيرة.
شخصيا بدي احكي عن صعوبتين عندي:
- أبوي مش ماخد دور اب بالعيلة، هو شخص طيب وجيد ونظيف بس علاقة اب بعيلته فيها شغلات اضافية عن انه بس يكون شخص طيب ونظيف. توقعاتي من ابوي اكثر من تواقعاتي مش شخص طيب ماشي بالشارع. كنت بحب لو شافني اكثر وشاف العيلة اكثر. هو متواجد 24/7 بس مش شايف حدى قباله بشفش كيف اعماله وتصرفاته بتأثر علينا كلنا
ثاني صعوبة، انه الشخص بده مساحته، مش لازم الاهل يعرفو كل دقيقة شو بساوي وشو بفكر، الله يخليلي اهلي ويحميهن. بفكر تحدي لكل شخص لنه يوجد مساحته الشخصية المستقلة عن باقي الناس.
1 Like
26/7/24. 00:29am
Exams
Passed midnight, I’m sad, numb, paralyzed, worried, scared, panicing yet too calm, boiling. peacful.
I’m alone as hell, and very distracted, can’t get myself together to work and study.
Solution, take a watch, leave phone at home ,and leave everyday to the campus, study their and get back at night.
I’m sad as hell, boiling from the inside and terrified. I’ve been drugging myself with nonsense. Social media, and distracting myself from my fear.
Trying to keep a calm peacful brave face, thats just for the people, But the truth I’m falling.
Im the luckiest man alive,
Some exams I study hard and still get low grade,
Today I was lucky, I studied couple hours and the exam was easier than usual, we expect that many of us aced it, i could have 
1 Like
Some personal updates
I can’t get my self to study or do anything I’m totally uncomfortable in my own home, also kinda depressed, which made me drop out few years ago, I know a good therapist I’ll get back to seeing him starting this week, otherwise I’ll hit rock bottom.
Second, I’m not comfortable around my father, its like I’m one continous panic attack from all past experiences, the house is 5 floors 200 squared meters each, and 400 squaredeters land all around. Yet not a sinlge place in the house I can be by myself without fear and concerns.
I’m lonely af as normal, so dont want to pick a fight with my father, cause I could really use a father in my life. Our interaction is primarly work stuff. Where he can be messy and stuff and I’m his worker 24/7 should be on work mode. Not that I actually reapond when I’m not on work hours, but he keeps coming at me “I told you this, I told you that” well was I peeing/in shower/ studying/watching TV/going out/ … What ever I was doing I wasn’t paying attention cause I’m not currently working. So he can go fck himself. I always tell him be formal with me, write me down what you want, send me a message/email something. Cause I shouldn’t be available 24/7 for work. I need to know when to pick up the phone if my boss is talking now or my dad, if we sit over for coffee am I sitting with my parents? Or with my boss.
I feel like I’m collapsing. I feel like no one really cares or actually want to listen. So be it 
2 Likes
good luck man, I hope you can fix your loneliness problem. Do you have any old friends you haven’t called in a while?
2 Likes
I’m getting better few days after the last entery I contacted a psychologist/therapist, going throw tuff times honestly, It ends in 20/9 hopefully.
Over all I’m getting better/feeling better at least.
I try to contact old friends, some we didn’t talk in for ever, I couldn’t let myself call them after all this time, but maybe thats a good idea,
Thanks man
3 Likes
no problem dude. 8/29/24
Take good care of yourself brother! 
And come back stronger!
1 Like
September 8th, 2024
08/09/2024
I feeling awful, being around my family specially my father. I can’t study, just feeling awful, I could fail big time, but still I’m feeling awful and can’t study. I can either relapse and sleep the day off, or do some easier stuff, like clean my room. Will be wasting my time anyway. I can’t get out of my brain, can’t escape my thoughts, I dont like myself or my father, I want to be far from him, and at some point he must understand how awful of a father he is. I’m just speaking nonsense here, but Idea is I’m not feeling well.
Ill try to clean my room for a start, maybe this gives me some momentum
1 Like
Assuming u r a working man. I am thinking why don’t you change the environment like going to library to study or going to gym to workout etc instead of doing that at home.
In my head I just make everything seem extremly complicated and challenging, cause the hause is caiotic even preparing food would take hours cause nothing is where it’s supposed to be, and got to clean the ketchen before I can actually use it. Just thanks to my great father.
God knows how many responsobilities I’m holding and how many deadlines I’m already delayed, I’m living on extra life, extra time.
I’m terrified of many things, starting that I can’t get myself to study, I tried to clean my room I couldn’t,
I’m holding alot of anger toward my psycho father, I need to confront him, let him know that he’s awful, probably he’ll get a heart attack.
I don’t understand why it always come to me to put limits to people, my dad is awful, why his parents don’t stop him , why not his whife(my mom) why no one stopped him yet.
Someone should teach him to breath/walk/eat/clean/take a bath/ drive/ how to listen/talk/interact, how to think, how to observe. Just every primary thing that makes human a human
1 Like
But my father is more opposite to your father. Even it is also an issue. He will get ready at 5 am to go somewhere for 10 am… And he always complain abt us😂… He is like perfectionist, more active . When he finds out we r using phone at midnight, his advise will go from 1am to 5am… And one more ex. That he asked me and mom to go to pharmacy to buy medications as he is ill and the pharmacy is only abt 0.5 kms. He called the pharmacist before we went. He again made a called him that my wife and daughter come and said the same medication… And again he called him when we reached there. And the pharmacist said i know what u want to buy… Everywhere he does that same even to my brother.
There will be other things too which made you develop this feeling for him. Many times we want to love them and be normal but their toxicity and ignorance breaks us, and we can’t truly hate or leave them. More power to you!
2 Likes