29/2/24 9:30 am
I’m back to day zero, but who’s counting…
expectations of the day: what I need to do
I should get out of bed 
Have coffee with my cousin
Wash my clothes
Clean the enterance of music center,
Take a shower
take probably last violin lesson, (I’m just getting to know it)
Try some programs for notation, write some stuff
Practice piano
29/2/24 20:00 upddate
I did the list, I should practice piano though
I’m wondering why I get very tired after masturbating, need few days to recover. Although 7-10 years ago I didn’t feel it, it didn’t affect me. I think, I had a life routine and used to eat better healthier food, second thing nowadays I’m just depressed anything brings me down so its psychological factor
30/4/24 10 Am
I woke up like a zombie at 6, got ready and left at 6:50
Had to drive a bit, piano lesson at 8-9, in a bit I have classes, about 8 hours, so I finish at 18:00, Will have an hour to myself then go to Christian group pray and hangout a bit,.
Its long tiring day, but will pass
I’ll feel numb for the rest of the day
1/5/24 1Am
Yesterday 30/4/24
I woke up at 6, prepared my meals the night before, prepared myself and left at 6:50, drove and had piano lesson 8-9, drove to uni, had classes 10-14, then got really depressed couldn’t handle staying in class so I left a bit, and had a chat with random nice dude,
Got back to class, the teacher finished early, the next lecture was cancelled, … so instead of 8 hours I had 4,
I finished at 16:15
I visited my sister and her daughter, I’m an uncle now 
played with her a bit, and went to prayer group 19:00-21:00, drove a friend home, went to the beach did few exercises and went back home.
Got home at 23:30, my dogs had done a disaster and no one was home, so I had to clean up, took me an hour, then I had dinner and here we are 1am, next day.
It was a hard day especially that I didn’t sleep the night, I stayed up late. I felt lonely at the campos, I tried to be friend with people, it worked, but had some time alone, and I felt depressed being around so many people yet no one cared for me, felt lonely.
Tomorrow I got classes from 10⁰⁰ to 20⁰⁰ , amazing
I can’t afford taking the car everyday, its expensive like gas and parking daily around 30-40$ , around 1000$ a month. I need it though desperately cause I study at 2 camposes, one at the beach and one at the mountain, both are part of the same university, and I got classes up and down, with public transport I Can’t make it in time.
And on Mondays I had violen lesson at my village so I need to be back asap,
So probably, I will need to take the cars twice a week, and be late for class 2 other days.
God, I have plenty of work tomorrow, just help me get to classes in time.
I realised that I took too many classes this year. I wasn’t aware. Like extra classes that I wish to take.
I think I have to give up some, and attend them as a guest, without having to commit to assignment and exams, I attended one like this last semester.
1/5/24 right before midnight I relapsed
It had a long day, was productive, I liked what I’ve learned in my classes. I had 10 hours of classes. Tomorrow I have just 4.
Today I woke up at 8 left around 8:30, started classes at 10 and finished at 20:00, got home at 22:00, had dinner and sat with my cousin a bit. I went to shower, felt an urge, tortured my body with this shit, relapsed.
I’m not feeling anything, I was wondering if I’m good before relapsing, now there is some thoughts that I’m bad, and don’t deserve the good… Same past bad thought, I’m used to it, I hope I don’t fall much here…
I did workout before shower as well, which is good, second day.
I did study a bit out side my classes, like other than the 10 hours, i was thinking maybe practice piano, and do some homeworks but it would take 3-4 hours, so better do them tomorrow hopefully. I planned many things but I’m too tired that I keep forgetting.
I should pray the rosary or just pray. But I feel Like hypocrite praying after committing adultery, deadly sin. What soul do I have left. Idk what to say or do
Good night
2/5/24
Was an awful day, had 4 hours of history class, and the lecturer is bad.
Last night I had a good dream I wish I’d wrote it during the day, but I felt great comfort and felt God’s presence, The dream is now kinda blurry in my mind, but felt good. Although last night I was kinda worried cause I relapsed.
I went to church today,
For tomorrow I have work task, and work for 5 hours. Then maybe more work.
I also have to revise and do my homework, probably read 2 articles, and other stuff. I also have to practice piano and violin, didn’t practice in 3 days cause I get back home at midnight and leave early…
9/5/2024
I’m sad, I’ve been relapsing every 2 days, I think alot about sex, and my perceived idea of the world is totally wrong, in my head homosexuals shouldn’t have sex but heterosexuals can anytime anywhere. And I should really get it in my head that its wrong for both, adultery is adultery. But I keep making everything about homosexuality and it’s killing me.
I’m craving for sex, the thing is I don’t think of my friend as a friend anymore, he’s just something I can use, other than sex I don’t like him as a person, he’s limited. We had an accident last year, that he planned for and pushed hard for it. Now I can’t get it out of my head, we didn’t do anything since then, I limited my interaction with him.
I feel like I’m gonna be hungry/craving for something sexual for ever, and my life would always feel empty.
Bro I understand maybe you have very complex emotions towards homosexuality, but still you have a choice to look at that in a different way. In terms of PMO, I think homosexual or heterosexual don’t differ much, just the target who attract you. So the method is the same - treat all men as your dear brother, you care about them and wish to understand them from your heart. And find some activities or goals that you genuinely love and pursue, know that your life will be much brighter without PMO. Pursue real happiness instead of fake happiness on the internet. You can be free, it’s just a matter of choice.
Thanks alot man
I know that pmo is temporary and it makes everything else worthless and pointless, its just a distraction for few minutes that would get me into depress for few days.
Homosexuality topic consumes my thoughts alot, it comes frequently during the day, and I always need affirmation that its not a big deal, and I always fall in the same trap that I start the battle fighting pmo but soon enough I turn it to fighting homosexuality and basically myself, and then it feels like as if I was heterosexual then pmo would be alright.
But as you said it’s not alright, for anyone. Pmo is just a disaster that a person brings upon himself.
Thanks alot bro
At this point this is just a diary.
I pray for God cause I have good reason to. I’m living my life afraid, always looking for someone to do things with me, but no one is there. I get homeworks and projects and I want a partner to focus on so I escape all the negative thought, and It works cause I tried it. Most of my life I’m alone/lonely, after I knocked every door on earth got nothing left but to seek God. I wish I feel him physically as a physical person. While I feel his presence in the world, I still feel lonely as hell, I’m still afraid of the unknown.
17/5/24
I’m being lazy, it’s more due to feeling alone and depressed. I should keep in my mind I shouldn’t feel good to work and do my assignment. I should do my assignment regardless of how I’m feeling today.
Second thing, is I’m usually terrified of falling short, that I get judged or taking blame from people for not being perfect. I’m afraid of failing even in tiny worthless stuff. I don’t have a coping mechanisms to deal with this.
Maybe, I should strive for people’s love and attention, not rely on it as a source to move me and encourage me. If I don’t need people’s approval then their judgment would be worth less.
Thats the 2 points, my life is good but I’m not doing well, not feeling well, depressed in general.
19/5/24 - 3:27Am
Challenging thoughts,
I need to wake up tomorrow at 6, and get ready which is really challenging, and need to drive to university. i need to think about what to dress since I didn’t wash my usual clothing, and I need to think about what I’m gonna eat and drink and its challenging cause idk how to move in our kitchen.
And I’m stressed about the possibility of being late to something.
I hear my father yelling and cursing God, and using angry violent language. It kills me, and Idk how to deal with it. Idk if I’m the one to talk to him about drinking, or just take my shit and go bye bye on him, and to talk to him and I need to think of some elegant way to say, some equation that his mind can get without going rage.
These thoughts just tell me its easier not to start your day, stay in your bed for ever, starve your self and stay alone. If you still feel awful about your find a way to hurt your self then.
Idk what to do with my life and with my thoughts,
I know that I won’t use the money I have cause he’s my boss and in his mind he’s giving me money. well, I won’t use it even though I work my asss off and always end up doing much more than my job. I’ll treat myself as if I’m poor as hell. Lived that , expert in that, torture, let it be.
I’m forcing my selft to get back to sleep. I don’t want the day to start. I know I’m about to have looong day so i try my best not to wake up.
Out of faith, I couldn’t quit pmo, I feel diaconnected. And alone.
Why you don’t want your day to start? What’s the matter?
But PMOwise, you should not stay in bed for too much time. Rise and shine, do some exercise to make yourself refreshed 
Because I know my day is gonna be long and tiring. Like tuesdays and wednesdays I’ve long long days, some days I know that I wake at 6 and leave at 7 but probably come back around 10-11 pm , add to that the assignment and deadlines I need to do
I’m living on coffee basically
Omg you must be very tired. Take more rest when the day is less busy
I’m furious and lonely and sad. I find myself force to get numb to keeo going and do my work/assignments.
I’m angry at myself and many others. I love myself only if I do well in everything, as long as I still have work to do I don’t love myself. Even my relationship with myself is conditional. Inherited that from my father. And I hate myself if i missed something/forgot something, made a mistake, maybe were tired stressed, it doesn’t matter I tend to hate myself.
Im too tired to type, I hope I wake up feeling better tomorow
I’m angry as hell, cursed a milion time since the moring, its just awfull day, one of those day.
Our house is chaotic , my family have no sense of order and how people should live together. I was studying and practicing till 12 midnight , they had to wake me up at 4 Am, 4:30, 5:00, 5:30. When I have to wake up at 6. I woke up feeling awfull, can’t focus and nothing going as it supposed to.
I had piano lesson, I had to drive 50 minutes, it took me 50 minuted extra , I got there did 20 minutes and left.
Just a sequence of awfull things, all driven by my family members, who are either awful or with lowest IQ in history. They do their shit without thinkin of the consequences it will have on others. Just awful.
I want to yell, curse, and beat someone, and quite everything , Isolate myself and God knows what.
6/6/24 8:19 AM
What do I have in this world
I woke up today at 6, I fell like young me, I wanted to go play anything on the piano, let it be choas just anything, I wanted to run to workout or something. But now I can’t with all the pressure I get from being around my family, my father loves me but he always want to change me, he judge me for nothing, even if I do well and even perfect he will still want to change me, on my side I want to change my father too, all his awfull habits, when I talk to him he start saying I have awful habits like disagreeing with him, when we’re at work conference he’s pissed if I say something diffrent than his view, but thats work so take things objectivly. His bad habits he drinks yell and curse , my bad habits in his points of view is having my own opinion. If he yell at me or anythings it would take me alot to yell back, but even if I dont yell back I still know how to reply fercly and set a boundary, if he gets agressive I get agressive, I won’t let him force things on me by yelling cursing or any negative way, or try scaring me, this is just awful method.
I wish my relationship with my father was better, he’s been through alot, and improved alot along the years, but we’re still at war kinda, he keeps degging to find some mostakes in me and keeps counting, his mession to collect proofs of how awful of a person I am, like we are at 2024, he could bring up something from 10 years ago, and say (10 years ago youbyelled at me) ( I say in my defense you yelled and cursee at me for days before I replied).
He should see that he’s making life harded for all people around him, although he loves us alot, and works really hard, still very toxic and unbearable.
My father means the world to me, thats why I get affected dirictly by how he act, my life would be 1000 times better if he had my back instead of trying to tear me down
What do I have in this world
8/6/24 2:00 AM
Nothing.
Idk, who knows