Rab's diary ,[22 M]

Diary
266

I’m having trouble doing anything alone
Study/work or any task, when I’m alone I don’t have desires to do anything no energy, only phone/pc/TV or pmo can put some life in me. Any advice?

Idk what I feel but it’s negative,
And my father keep pushing me around,
I want to be left alone or do something with someone, not someone keep ordering me at the wrong time when I’m supposed to be doing my stuff not his,

So either leave me alone
Or set with me talk or do something together
But don’t force me to do something ALONE, then he changes his tune his voice then his vocabulary. This time is for me not for his work, I’m feeling like shit already, he don’t know how to help me, but shitting on me won’t help.

Any advice, something to get me going to do some of my tasks ? plz

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267

I got the same issue sometimes, not having enough will to do task alone.
What I do is, follow Pomodoro and keep a reward for me at the end of 25 mins. Like a song, something to eat, or anything that you like other than PMO ofcourse…:sweat_smile:

It will help you get a start atleast and you can push it forward with your willpower and reward incentive.
I can’t say it fully effective but it may help you for time being.

I say let @The_integrous_one answer this question. He has better work management skills than me.

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No bro, I am not that great :sweat_smile:, I just have a goal and a fire for that goal, it is putting things together by itself.
But yeah you gave good advice. If you can’t focus aim for short time, like fool yourself by saying I’ll just do 20 minutes of studies or 10 minutes if 20 seems a lot. And taking breaks is extremely important, music works like a charm in breaks. Study for sometime, take a short break, do something rejuvenating like music, meditation or walk and again sit for studies, if you can’t do more than 20 minutes in a go, just do ut repeatedly with breaks in between.
Pomodoros are good if someone can’t focus for long or has to just start studying they also work great if you have to revise a lot on the day before exam or so. I don’t prefer them on a regular basis as they decrease my focus span :sweat_smile:.

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11/11/21 22:22

first of all thanks guys for the advice.

I slept late last night and woke up early,
I didn’t have clear plan for the day u watch souple episodes had breakfast then took a shower,
Practiced piano couple hours at 15:00 had a lesson, after that had lunch then a nap, then reviewed some materials for tomorrow, and that’s it,

Took a walk at some point

No urges, like I’m not horny but I don’t have desires to do anything, nothing can make me good other that porn and masturbation, still didn’t break,
It’s very hard idk who to talk to, what to do, or how to deal with it.
This day doesn’t make any since to me, I don’t have desire to practice or do something for my own self, I cant force myself, if I set and do it in 10 I’ll sleep or get depressed, there is 2 ways out of this shit relapse or do what you’re supposed to be doing.
I won’t relapse
The second option I can’t do it cause I feel bad and the only way to feel better is to do it, so life doesn’t make since.

Many days in my life are wasted like today, idk how to deal with it, it feels pretty bad, that I don’t know how to get or do what I want.no answers.

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270

Today we had a big even, I had tone of responsibilities, I didn’t know how to handle it, I didn’t know what I’m feeling, I relapsed twice with pornography, the event was successful I did good, my back and my knees hurt, other than that I’m fine.

I’m bad at socializing, making friends, or share stuff face to face.

My cousin is 14 yo boy, he’s great man, every time we meet I feel like shit, cause I should be better, if I’m not better he will catch bad habits from me, I don’t want to be bad influence, or not be able to be myself around people. That’s the most important motive for me to try this no pmo journey.

Obviously alone I can’t, I can keep trying for ever, but something major should change in my life or things will get worse

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Hey brother. Reading your journey. You are a Champion. Have a Champion Spirit!

Just do It Man. You can do it. Or you think that this is more stronger than you?

Lets go!

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13/11/21 23:09

Woke up at 7 am, took some times to get off bed, had breakfast fast around 9:00, at 10 had some work to do until 13:00, then had lunch, 15:00-17:30 had prepare things for work, at 18-22 had practice with a chorus, accompany them on piano.

Had no urges today, headache, knee and back pain, now my day is over I feel alone.
Got alot of work I need to do, on computer tone of work, plus the concerts coming soon for Christmas, I’m full, and starting another job at 28/11

I’m full I’m very stressed because of the concerts, it’s too much, but it’s only for November and December, hopefully I can take a break later.
If I think about it, I freak out. I’m out of my comfort zone.

Then my 2 main goals for the next few months, are pushed to the back of the list, I’m wasting my time.
I feel like I’m ignoring my problems, things need fixing.

Negative emotions/thoughts
Warning

I don’t care about having sex with someone, but I want to have someone as close to accept each other and support each other, I’m terrible friend, wierd one,

I feel everyone around me is walking on thin ice, no one is honest, they sugar everything to make it look ok, while things are not, and they are not brave enough to ask questions or be honest to me, afraid this will break me or something, just fckn break me, and get done with it,
Or my father, he takes every constructive criticism as a personal attack, I’m tired of this fckn drama 24/7 for years, he’s great everything I think as disadvantage is actually giving him alot of advantages, but I’m angry at him and everyone.

When I take a decision my family doesn’t like, they keep pushing and nagging, until I have to kneel down so they get of my back or start a huge fight, they use every trick on the book to get you to do something, they they say, you did this decision alone. What a great respect I’m getting from all my friends and family. I’m missed up wierdo, freak, shit, etc… Why no one is being brutally honest, I’m the one that have to keep trying to open up and get closer to people, hopping someone do the same. I feel weak, like I don’t deserve anything I have, or any apportunity I’m getting, if I tell my family I have disadvantage at this erea, I’m bad at something or at least not enough, they fight me for it, I’m always wrong what ever I feel, instead of helping or guiding me so I feel I got better at something, they have one sided discussion with me to yell ‘you’re good, you’re wrong you’re …’ , stop fckn sugaring me, if I feel weak at something help me get better, ask me what I’m missing, what can we do about, not just disagree with me and keep nagging until I don’t bring up the subject anymore. I feel I’m at disadvantage, trust my judgment, try to understand my point of view. I’m not God, I quit trying to be as whole, I’m not supposed to be peiand all strong. They all assume I’m better than what I’m really am. I understand their perspective, try to be kind and supportive, idk, I need help to be better, not be left alone and all I’m getting is someone tell me you can do it then vanish and leave me all alone.
All I want from this life is not to be alone, everyome busy rushing chasing phantom, fck this life, what a life

Something I wrote above maybe wrong, stupid or childish, but nothing wrong about stupid feeling popping up, life is hard and full of chalanges, until you do the impossible to make it better.

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14/11/21 23:37

No urges at all

I went to the church and played keyboard there, and they forgot about me didn’t give me communion, Great , that’s alright. Visit one grandmother, and went back home to take care of the other,

I’m being pressured to leave everything and be slave to play piano with X, family member, I don’t mind working, but I’ve no fire, no spirit left in me, I can’t do anything if they don’t help me keep my spirit.
There is alot of pressure on me, alot of responsibilities, I’m being left alone, and more than that I’m not getting any psychological support, any emotional support, they make it harder and harder on me, sometimes we have fights we have disagreements, many time I get treated badly and disrespectfully. I don’t believe I can keep going, I’m just breathing can’t say more about my condition.

Taking one hit after another, shame, once after another, failure after another.
Life is not worth it, there is no answers there is no data, you’re alone, deal with this, somehow.
I want to cry and just keep crying.
My family worried about the work, why don’t they remember to check on me, make me the project for once. Help me deal with my stuff, understand me, get to know me,

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17/11/21 23:12

I’m still on day zero

I’m not fighting the addiction, lately just gave up. I’m behaving like a person I hate, like a irrational child. I’ll get back to the track.
My parents are being very patient with me, although we don’t get each other well, but they try alot to help in everything.

I called a psycholog today, my meeting in next Wednesday, I believe I’m good person, and a material for successful one, capable of alot. I need help, and I’ll get it.

I apologize for all the negativity.

275

20/11/21 day 2

I slept late last night, stayed on my phone
Woke up early, cause my gm was here, so thays really good reason.
practiced piano, had breakfast at 10:00, opened the work place (music center) at 13:00 left to attend a practice session, will play with group on young people, for Christmas event. Visited my old high school, then attended a play For the famous great actor Mohammad Bakri.

Then had FALAFEL :stuck_out_tongue:
now I’m home 23:00.

Today was good and productive, went much better than what u expected

Yesterday was hard, I had big fight with my sister, then later with my mother. No one means to hurt someone he loves, but sometimes it happens, but when it repeats itself over and over it will leave a bigwound.
The more that someone love you, the bigger the responsibility on you! Cause then every little hit will hurt alot alot, not because u did something that big of a mistake, or small, but because they love you alot alot.

The last couple days I was tempted to relapse and I did give up for it, but was very tired to do so. I honestly thought of giving up on this journey cause I’m tired of it, so losing and quiting seemed like an easy way out.

Good luck for you all
Stay strong, be better

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23/11/21 14:36

Well, I’m not getting better and it’s not about pmo journey, it’s about life journey, it’s all connected.
I’m not productive, I wake up at 10, play piano check my phone have a breakfast, which isn’t healthy one at all, back to play piano, check my phone or check watch something, and before I realized it’s 5pm, then get distracted again and puf it’s 2 am.
Not eating well, not doing any sport, not sleeping well, not working well, and not socializing at all, all isolated. That’s what’s called a mess.

When I was at school I was million times better than myself now. every minute I spend alone is wasted.

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24/11/21 22:30

Today was a good day
I did workout, and met with psycholog for the first time, it was very good.
I hope tomorrow be good as well.
I relapsed and watched alot of porn the last week including today, I’ll try to not go near these websites, also random chat websites.

I can’t commit to anything, not yet, but I hope things get better.

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25/11/21 22:55

Today was good, I’m not progressing in life in other people’s eyes/scales (try to make since of what I’m trying to say lol)
But I just want to feel better, to feel good

In the morning went to buy some stuff for breakfast, then made breakfast, watched The Flash, then got a new haircut
After that started looking and reading at a course I bought last February, at 15:00 had piano lesson, then stayed there for few hours having conversations with people, then had a walk with a friend, and here I am now.

Oh and today didn’t watch porn or relapse, this is day 1.

Summary, tried to feel better.

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279

28/11/21 23:08

Today wasn’t as good as I wanted

Woke up, had coffee, took a bath and went to the church. After that visited my grandmother , my sisters and my mom were with me, so took us 90 minutes, then another 30 minutes I’m waiting in the car for their 20th goodbye.then visited my other grandmother we had lunch , then I was waiting for them, they kept coming up with activities

Well from 11-13:00 at the first GM, 13:30-19:30 at my second GM, got home at 20:00. The thing it was totally a waste, not like anyone listen to me or talked to me about anything, so it’s a waste if I didn’t speak with them or do anything, just setting like a chair.
Got home ,took a walk then had dinner.

Then a women called me for work she tried to rob me, basically not pay me, basically force me to donate my payment for someplace, fck her , eventually I settled down at 0.4 of my original payment, just cause I’m trying to stay on contact and keep good relationship and reach more people to dump her eventually. I’m very upset for this.
It’s not about money, if you respect me enough I would gladly serve you and donate and support, but when u don’t respect me but respect the money, then I will charge you for my services. My income is very low, yet comes a women claims to be a doctor, and rob me. It’s business I need her to get job with other people, but this was upsetting.

The mass was great, but being ignored and doing nothing, I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything, wasted my time killed me, couldn’t practice or do anything.

Tomorrow I got to practice long hours, cause I got a meeting , training session with someone & must be really for it.

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280

About pmo journey, I finished day 4
I’m not thinking straight right now, because I’m mad,
Sometimes I catch myself staring at some pic, no sexual intentions, but like it’s beautiful and sexy in my opinion, I get upset cause of that honestly, because I enjoy it but I know it’s not pure and maybe wrong, I eventually skip and do something else, but I don’t want to force myself, I want other ways but force myself.

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30/11/21 23:48

Today I relapsed and watched,
Woke up at 9 am, relapsed, at 10 had to clean up a little before my meeting, at 12-14:30 had meeting/practice at my house, 15:00-17:30 another practice at a studio, 17:30-21:00 was at event played only 20 minutes, 21:00-22:00 visited my grandmother, at 22:30 got back home, had dinner
And here I am.

I’ve been mad, struggling to get people’s respect,
at work who respect money I would charge double or they can look for someone else, who respect me I would do it for free or little money. Idk about other erea of life, I’m trying to be respectful, not be rude, and get their respcect, but not working people don’t like it.

I’m pretty bad at socializing or at least trying to be honest, clear, not play people. it’s easy to manipulate people to get whatever I want, but I try not to. But this reality is making me constantly bad, which lead to pmo or worst.

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3/12/21 02:04 AM,
Dairy of 2/12/21

Hello all, I hope you are doing well, if you’re struggling I hope u have a direction,a way to go, I hope u know what it is you should go through to make things better. Keep going, don’t be shy to ask for help here or in rl face to face . Face your fear and your shame, take a step, not doing anything is much scary than doing something you’re not sure about. So keep moving and keep trying, and before you know it u will feel like a different person from your self that started this journey.

My diary mostly sad, but u don’t write sad things out side this diary. At my worst days I check this app to find someone like or re-liked an old post of mine , which where I kinda try to give an advice, so I look and say only if I could follow this old advice. Thanks guys for the reminders, for being around, for bearing with me :slight_smile: :bear:

Yesterday(01/12/21) I went to see the psychotherapist for the second time, it helps alot, I feel better after the session, I feel alife. During the last week I had some struggles which brought me down to my knees,I may face obstacles this week as well, I will try to hold my position.

Today I was home alone, which is great and I like, I did practice piano very well, then had a lesson then a bit of work, then went to see a Christmas concert, was great.

My clothes, 97% surprisingly all grey and black how joyful lol
Today I felt like changing that, I don’t really need clothes and don’t like wasting any,

I guess I’ll set for myself few tasks to do, then will buy 2 coloured shirts , and maybe after few other a shoes, which I need.

tomorrow (3/12/21) I should work starting 11:00 am
Here’s a list I would like to do

Read 5 pages,
Wash my clothes
Practice piano 2 hours
work out (or/and) walk

-input, I know it’s nothing big but I would feel no desire to go after this, Tired, wouy feel stuck.

More thing I should do,
-Get Facebook adds receipt
-eat healthy, enough protein (somehow)
Start editing videos, got 3 cameras did shoot 6 hours (all together) concerts need editing to publish it.
-should study a bit new courses
-check if I got work contract I’m waiting for
-review old courses study materials
-edit a website (learn to and do it, somehow!)

At the last 2 years I bought 5 online courses to do when I feel like it, it’s things I really like. I should get back to it.
I got 2 books in hand I need to read as well.
My English isn’t that good, so readying 5 pages per day not bad for a start, don’t want push myself much at my current vortex of emotions.

Tomorrow night will update here about further developments.

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283

04/12/21 10 am
About 3/12/21

Wasn’t bad, I did practice one hour, I didn’t read or work out, I did work a bit 13:00-18:00, then spent some time doing nothing, setting with my aunt, I enjoyed it, met with some friends for 39 minutes,
Got back home at 9 pm, my stomach and knee hurts,
I watch an episode played a game, slept at 1am.

I did relapse in the morning.

I still got tones of tasks like the last diary, I’m not rushing to start, or finish.
My periorities
Practice couple hours classic piece
One hour for Christmas concert,
Read a little
Eat healthy, clean my room
(In my mind it is set as periority to watch and play something), I will try to drop it for today, idk how would I spend my time though, or where to get the energy to keep going.

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285

5/12/21 16:58

I’m not feeling good, bored and got no desire to do anything, I can’t think of someone nearby to talk to or do something, I’m not horny, but just feeling down

Usually porn and masturbation, is what I would do, then feel bad about it, and it’s a cycle.

I got plenty of things to do, just no desires at all, idk

I slept 12 Hours at night, had breakfast went for a walk, then I’m back home, I’m in bed again

My parents are home, my brain always trying to avoid them, I’m not comfortable, I feel like explaining everything I want to do, I feel like I’m watched and all the time there is expectations, or trying to analyze what I’m doing and why, they are great, but I don’t like that, it’s something in me.

I will sleep again I guess :confused:

I don’t like them knowing every sec where I am, which room, what I’m planning, where I’m going and what I’m doing … It’s a part of living with someone, but it’s hard for me for some reason, maybe part of why I don’t feel like doing anything,
Cause they always have an opinion or build up expectations or judgment or criticize or something,

& My knee keeps reminding me I may fall any sec cause more damage, it’s pain a little bit it’s here the next bit it’s not and like that, jumping from 0 -7 out of 10, I fear losing more of my life,

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7/12/21 23:47

Today I relapse 3 times, twice at the same hour early in the morning, and one a bit ago
at age 14 I had a sexual experience, with old friend, it was for about a month, I’m escaping everything that bothers me and go to meet with the friend, after a month it ended up pretty badly and left a big wound. This experience left me with many questions not answered, and alot of emotions, it left a scar. It keeps popping ever since , and I keep thinking about it trying to understand what happened and how, this was a major point on my life which still affects me alot. I thought about it alot today, this is why u ended up relapsing. I didn’t enjoy it much, at some point I just decided to give in to the urges, felt defeated. I’m not trying hard enough, I know that, it’s not my periority I’ll try to make it.