Thanks alot guys 
20 characters 
1 Like
25/10/21
Hey guys
I hope you’re doing well
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if you know
something. what really matters is if you can look at it differently, or describe it in different ways. So, let me try to write the same story you know, the same knowledge you have, and not add any bit more knowledge but maybe more meanings. The story is about life journey, always seeking supreme higher better vision of us.
In any war, you put time - efforts - resources, Might lose some battles might win some; the bottom line you’re probably gonna lose something even if you won the war. So let’s prevent this war from happening in the first place, and invest - time - efforts resources etc… in our own, with love. preventing; it’s when we guard our senses and keep unwanted things out, and here comes the big boss our consciousness which actually allow things in or out. Note that we’re guarding both ways what comes in and what gets out. So our first strategy is to have guards and keep anything from distracting our consciousness or putting it into sleep. Having sharp consciousness by protecting it from what might numb your brain, or give you fight brain.
Practical things could be
-
limit social media or technology use in general, be careful with it.
-
be focus around people, It’s normal to have sexual attraction don’t fight that, but be strict and clear about it with your self, you’re not looking to satisfy sexual desires. If God permets it will happen by itself, at the right time.
-
Strengthen this line of defence is by sending unwanted thoughts away as fast as possible, but not giving our selves time. Have full schedule, cold showers… But again don’t force and fight your self, find a way to power it with love.
So we prevented fire from taking place by staying sharp and send flammable things away asap, and we crossed of the list (satisfying sexual desires), and made sure we don’t fight, first not your self and instead love and make peace with your self.
In any action, Be clear and specific about your intentions, be honest with yourself, dig deep understand your inner self, do it for the right purpose
I hope you help me, we help each other, to get deeper understanding and clarity to this journey.
Have a great day
4 Likes
26/10/21
pmo journey status report
I knew I’m most vulnerable when I’m happy or comfortable, so in aware and prepared since last week for this current week, I know I might feel too comfortable and “as if I did something” then I relax , when in reality I barely steped one step, I I know the feeling of celebrating one battle and before you know it you lose the war, I was expecting it.
Yesterday I had very very strong urges, I had alot of pre-cum I didn’t touch my dick, for a time I did touch my self not my dick though, it’s getting hard to think clearly and strictly. Today I’m having strong urges as well.
I feel disconnected, I stayed late the other night and it set my life out of order, I’m a bit stressed as well Got to practice piano for my lessons I’m taking, got to practice on 60 minutes thing to accompany choros in their trainings and train them basically, and got to keep on video editing, so these 3 main stuff and other Normal daily tasks. I’ve been never able to focus on more than one thing, if I do something I think about it all the time 24/7 it’s very hard for me switching from something to another then another. I feel chaos.
Idk what to do about the urges as I’m afraid I might kneel down anytime soon. I can’t afford losing or getting distracted or walk back to the vortex I was in a while ago, I must survive till 13/11/21, but of course the intention is to survive and become strong for ever.
I may need help
2 Likes
How can we help :)?
20 characters
1 Like
27/10/21 6:24
I had wet dreams, last time it happened was 9/10, as you say it releases tension, I didn’t have sexual dreams or maybe I just don’t remember, anyway I’ve been waiting for this, I didn’t know when it’s gonna happen and how I would feel, I don’t like it in general. Well at least for the next 2 weeks I’m relieved it won’t happen. I’m glad I didn’t have/Don’t remember sexual dream. I’m feeling good actually
But damn it screwed my new boxer 
2 Likes
27/10/21 21:53
Woke up at 6:30 due to wetdreams, cleaned up and slept back, woke up at 9:00 picked my sister from the clinic, had a break fast and watched few episodes of good doctor, later on had lunch, had a nap ,had to open the music center, and set there for few hours. Later on had to arrange some stuff and search for staff, and that’s it.
Today’s urges were very strong, especially at 11-16, I’m trying my best not to give up, no matter how bad I’m feeling porn and masturbation will make it just worst, if idk how to deal with my feelings at least I should do nothing just wait and it will pass, it was very hard.
3 Likes
I know I am late , Wishing you belated Happy Birthday bro 
2 Likes
Thanks alot bro 
My birthday is 7 days holiday, you’re never late
2 Likes
61>>0
29/10/21 00:05 I did relapse.
The last few days was hard for me in many ways, and had alot of urges
From day to day I touched myself more and more (the last 3 days) I tried my best not to masturbate, then found myself doing something worst, damn
I’m sorry guys
I’m ashamed don’t want to talk about it.
Today 28/10, was hard and sad at the start, at 11 I had to prepare for work, 12-15 prepare things for work, 15-16 piano lesson, 16-22:30 work, then had dinner then playya bit on the piano, then relapsed. I wasn’t feeling bad before I relapsed, but I wasn’t thinking, I was touching myself what’s the point of not masturbating if I couldn’t get my hands of my body. Took me 61 days and will take me 61 more to get back to were I was 20 minutes ago, that’s how stupid pmo is.
I was trying to reach a psychotherapist for months now, I have an appointment in 5/12, I finally found one, I had dream last knight that she will ask me for alot alot alot of money, it’s a nightmare* , then had many other dreams and surprisingly I remember them all. When I’m giving up to pmo I’m giving up on life and it goes both ways, when I started giving up on life it was a matter of time before I give up to pmo. I was feeling sad, alone, stressed, like I couldn’t control anything, maybe there is too much maybe not, I get stressed over nothing.
1 Like
Idk what to say , But don’t give up bro. You can do it…
1 Like
Thanks man
20 characters
1 Like
29/10/21 22:01
- Just like the last few days, I woke up early like 6:30 /7:00, pushed my self back to sleep, general feeling is like giving up.
- No urges as today there was many people coming over every hour,
- I did prepare things for work and practice piano, 12:00-20:30
Had dinner, called a friend and that’s it.
So here’s the thing, I don’t want to be attracted or to stare at or think of people simply don’t want my shit to affect them, and I don’t want them to judge me for it, just not worth it. And it might hurt some, and I’m against it as well cause it contaminate my intentions my brain, thoughts, my decisions.
I can try to force myself not feel/use the energy I’m getting from sexual attraction/curiousity, simply give up on this energy. But big But, I feel like I’ll have no life energy left in me.
There is obviously something I’m not letting anyone in, just in general it easier and more comfortable and relaxed for all and for me if sex related things didn’t affect my decisions and how I see others.
I can try to replace this attraction/sexual thoughts…, With love, find a way to love people not romantically, I’m bad at that, love and taking care of others.
Last thing, I got alot of work to do, but it’s all at home, alot of work, the problem here is if I’m left alone then negativity rise, I become sad, can’t handle being alone and isolated anymore, I don’t want to be alone 
Tomorrow I’ll to make it productive day and happy day, many people will come over so urges won’t be a problem.
Will see about the future
1 Like
31/10/2021 16:06
I said I don’t want to be negative and stop whining, but this one is,
Yesterday ‘supposed to be a good day’ ,I woke up I relapsed ‘respect, well done Rab 
’ , I told myself I already did something terrible but it doesn’t have to continue like that, I dressed up practiced piano alot, opened the work place, talk& played with people, fix a machine and went back to the piano, later on my sis and I took 2 dogs a veterinarian, after 3 hours got to get house, we hard work to do so we had dinner and stayed up till 3-4, I woke up pretty early, straight to the piano, her husband later drove me back home, at 11am got home, piano and things at 13:40 had lunch, took a nap , now I’m here.
I feel like shit, why? Cause I hate Beijing alone, I was alone at university had my circumstances couldn’t be with people, now I’m home, I wanted to work some place, but my father insisted I do work for the family busines, where I can give more than anyone and make the place 10 times better, I did work with the family, the work place is right under my house, so I was alone now I work at home most of the time alone like 10 hours a week with people, Sunday to Thursday I’m alone up till 4 pm, when my parents get back from there jobs, Wednesday & Thursday 4-7 pm people would come , I open up the place bu head to do my work, on Friday Saturday from 12-20/21 , but again mostly I’m on my desk alone in a room, working on computer or on my piano practicing for work (if I’m gonna perform or accompany someone ) or just playing it. So yea I work at home, got all at home, no friends around in my village or they are assholes, all the time I’m alone if I set with my parents (btw I’m living alone with my parents, my siblings live away), so when I’m with my parents it means new tasks for me to do, do this and that for work. So yea I’m alone,
Let that alone, got nothing to do with the next thing. Sometimes I feel bad just cause of stupid sexuality, there is no reason but I do feel like shit, up until 31/12/20 I was blaming myself, hating my self and homosexuality, and punishing my self for it, I was raised like that, I lived like that, I can’t suddenly be another person and just love my self. So I feel terrible sometimes, although I told my family that I’m homosexual, they accept me and love me, but this topic never came up again, I was avoiding it before telling them, now they avoid it, I can’t talk about it with them, as they will try to change the topic or make it clear they don’t want to hear more about it , or they star saying shit and how they feel, well I’m sorry that they are feeling bad because I’m the one who’s homosexual, my fckn life is being ruined not theirs, what about my fcking self.
The last 3 weeks (not including the last), whenever I felt bad, I pray to God and tell him all about how I’m feeling, luckly he’s silent so he listens, I would wake up pretty early got to church daily, pray for better day,. I had nothing to tell God or ask him, idk how to or what else to do, felt like using God when I feel bad I pray the second after when I feel good I don’t pray cause simply had nothing to ask, I could pray with my lips but my heart wasn’t , not when I’m feeling good.
Thank God I got home work family, all I need, a friends that are busy af I can’t overwhelm them if I’m a real Friend, but thank God for everything and everyone in my life, I’m sorry that I’m weak, I have no plans and can’t say I’m gonna do bla bla bla cause it’s all bullshit since I’m never committed to do something for myself.
1 Like
I’m proud of you. I don’t know how many days, but your streak was very high!
But there are some things that disturb me when you make your posts:
Negativity
Like really… God?!
How did Jesus realize that he’s god? He realised he talked with himself when praying!
Just be real, there’s no God, and if there is, then he’s a little unfair to give you genetics that make you homosexual (which is a sin by his means?).
I advice you to rage against god, not by praying, but by writing out stuff. U say your just writing bla bla bla and bullshit? U hate being alone? That’s maybe because your to afraid of were your sane brain would take you if you wouldn’t calm it down with prayers or community!
I guarantee you, you’ll make progress by writing and thinking, stuff will be way clearer and simpler. The head is not a place for thinking, paper and pen are the tools needed.
Omniscient god will know, whether you’ll pray or write
bro, you I don’t go all my day thinking oh this is a sin and this is not, and in my beliefs homosexuality isn’t a sin until god himself tells me that, I’m seeking clearance but regards homosexual after million opinions were pushed to my head I’m just seeking it from God, I got no answer but that’s also ok.
I don’t think if something is a sin or not, I’m just living, and for me God does exist, it’s not a problem, believing he’s there keep a little hope in my life, even though he knows all, telling him just help me keep that hope.
I don’t write on paper simply don’t want anyone reading what I might write, it seems I’m avoiding confronting people about my personal shit.
Bro, thanks for the reply, thanks for believing in me
1 Like
1/11/21
Today I woke up at 8:00, if my grandmother wasn’t here I would have slept for few more hours
I was sad, doing my best to seem ok, not long after, my uncle came to pick her up, I wasn’t feeling good, pretty bad actually, Later I watched **** and relapsed, I hate Being alone, around 13:30 had my ‘breakfast’ cause I’m really eager to eat
At 5 pm took a bath, had lunch, at 6 to 11pm had work, not alone with people and family, later I sat a bit with the family. It feels great to be with people, at the end of the day I was happy.
It doesn’t matter where I’m standing, what shit I’m at, it all doesn’t matter if you had someone with you.
Good night all
5/11/21 21:03
Since 29/10 till today I had relapsed almost daily, today in the morning as well, at 2am I get out of bed just for this, I had long work day and still after it I went to the bathroom and I found myself self fapping again, I stopped myself, I’m not feeling bad but I know I’m gonna feel pretty bad eventually, I’m trying to avoid it. It’s sad cause it feels like Im not controling anything in my life, feels empty, shallow, I know if I keep going it will be harder to stop later. Right now I really want to watch and fap … It’s coming from place of weaknes trying to fill some lack of something.
Giving up on this journey is like giving up hope giving up faith, and everything good
My faith is very weak.
I should shut up, work not alot at least how I used to put hours when I was a kid, get back to be my younger self, then get even better.
3 Likes
8/10/21 23:55
Day 2
I admit since 29/10 I did watch and relapse, I’m tempted to keep relapsing, as long as I am alone it does me no bad (it’s wrong feeling), but when I need someone I know I feel like a fraud, they love and respect me, and I can’t be myself or protect them from my thoughts, so this is where it hits a nerve for me. Starting another try, will keep trying
I’m at place where I have no future I want to chase no dream, or purpose, short one is get better and fix my personal shit. But nothing beyond that
I’m putting myself in things that will advance my career and teach me alot, but when it comes to decide what I want to be, what I want to study and why, I don’t want anything , I can’t think of anything, I’m not ready
So updates from today
I’ll go around to some schools around and play piano in co my concert for Christmas, for little children
3 shows every day, so far 6 days booked in December
And another update from today, there is lighting Christmas tree event at once city, my sis and I and couple players and some chorus , (we are putting together a performance (I should write the sheet music and play piano), we are The Main Show for the lighting the Christmas tree event.
Another thing from today, got a job offer teach physics at a government funded project - virtual school , I worked with them last year as well,
So will be working with them for the next 8 months as well or idk more.
these are nice , this December is going be my hardest one, got alot alot alot to work at.
Plus I should practice piano for my own progress in classical pieces , I got a homework to do.
This is all good, but it’s not my goal in life, it’s not something I’m chasing, thank God for all the apportunities, and at the end of the day I’m still struggling with my sexuality and my addiction, and loneliness. to be continued…
2 Likes
9/11/21
Day 3
Pretty long day, I’m tired and stressed.
No urges most of the day, but I kept having thoughts about sexuality and shit the whole day, there is alot to think about try to understand many things.
I got home at 6:30 pm, had dinner watched something for 40 minutes, I was very tempted to see triggering content and relapse, it’s coming from emotional place, , negative emotions
I’m practicing piano right now, the second I stop relax a bit I get the negativite emotions.
I don’t know how to get better
10/11/21 14:26
I’m full for the next couple months, will be busy and stressed a bit.
I’m writing to remind myself my my goals for the next few months
I want to be clean and pure of pmo and sexuality debate thoughts.
I want to prove myself as pianist, this by practicing and playing the 2 pieces I got in hand.
Thus I’m making these as my periority
Work here and there isn’t a periority, to be able to work well and help, I need to feel good and that’s only by working on my goals.
I’m not taking more responsibilities for the next 2 months I’m full , I got to commit to these 2 goals, daily practice.
1 Like