8/12/21 23:35
Day one almost completed
I’ll start a new run for the new year.
Today was a good day, but feeling aside and work
I did watch a movie at the breakfast lol
Then practiced piano for work,
Went to the psycholog, third meeting
Then headed to the stodio to practice with the others, now I’m finally home.
I feel good after the meeting with psychotherapist, still at this point he’s just getting to know me, I didn’t get methods or advice to help me deal with stuff, just digging to find the source, the core.
I got many things I want to improve and work at, I should probably write it down to discuss it with him later. Many problems and emotions to let go.
One of them is sexuality insecurity, and many things around it, and how I go for pmo when I’m not feeling good.
To old and new companion, merry Christmas
It’s almost here
It was a good day,
Woke up at 6am, had breakfast and coffee, 6:45 I was in already in the car, headed to work, today started first activity at schools , tell Christmas story and sing some songs. So we I picked up my partner and went to the school
It was amazing the children are amazing, 4-7 yo,
At 14:20 I was at home,
At 15:00 had piano lesson, then had lunch.
at 17:15 had to teach a little girl some piano , at 18:20 my day was over. Went for a walk, I encountered my cousin, he invited me over, so we went to his house had dinner and wine with his parents. I love wine, and thought why not finish it, was good night, at midnight went back home.
During the day I had unexplained erections, it bothers me alot, but no urges, was easy second day
Today, 10/12/21, I woke up on sexual dream and it’s still in my mind, I would enjoy it but I hate myself for it, I need to end it.
So when I started this journey I made a companion, all I wanted is to be a friend and have a friend
So we’ve been talking since April,
I opened up to him, about all the good and bad
I was honest , clear, transparent.
Well lately what ever I share withl him, he preaches back, well man I just need a friend I don’t need solutions, judgment,blame , or analysis the situation.
When something hurts, I want to tell you, try to make a laugh out if it, I bring it in sarcastic way then we laugh about it, then it may hurt a bit less. That’s all I want laugh the bad thing out so it hurts less. So I can keep going.
This friend did help me take big steps in my life,
But lately he did hurt me alot.
I shared everything with you man, chill let’s laugh about it, I don’t need a parent or a teache, I can look perfect in front of a them, I just want a friend, and I’m gonna be clear, honest to the bones, and won’t even try to look perfect.
Thanks for the good times anyway
If u saw how I’m hurt, if you’re a friend and truly care, u can message here.
I’m really really hurt, deeply
In one hour I’ll reach 11 days
It seems that whenever I have free time I start being negativity generator, idk how to relax a bit, or how to have joy. Nothing excites me , only porn.
summarize diary of my week
Monday- Friday, I woke up pretty early, sometimes 4:15 am, left home by 5am,
I took this job for December, to go to one school everyday with a partner, and we tell Christmas story, Jesus’s birth, to the children and sing together. 4 shows at every school. So if I start at 9 I should be at school by 8, to prepare the equipment. And some schools were 3 hours away, I go pick up my partner then go to the school.
But 14:00/15:00, I get home
Somedays I had contcerts, accompany someone
Other days I have to practice, other days I have to teach piano I got 4 little students.
Of course when living with family u got to help at some stuff.
My days ends at midnight,
At Saturday got alot of sleep, at the night had concert,
Now it’s Sunday ,had alot of sleep, will see how the rest will go
I want to relapse, I feel nothing all empty
Only pmo put some feeling, bad or good doesn’t matter, at it’s living
Honestly, I went to random chat websites look for something to push me to relapse, found some good guys, prevented the relapse.
But I have up since the morning, I’m not horny, I want to be
23/12/21
So I relapsed today,
How was I feeling, depressed
I couldn’t think of a way to feel better, I gave up, I’m thinking about something, but there is nothing make me fool good. Eventually I relapsed to feel good
Now I’m feeling alright, lost the negativite energy on the relapse,
What u feel now, disrespect for myself, embarrassed from god, I feel like not going to church or praying, cause I failed too many time already, I’m horrible person.
I’m not sad or depressed I’m alright now, just feels like I’m not worth it.
Christmas is here, idk if I’ll go to church
I know it’s wrong and it’s a sin, it’s just a bad thing
Yet I chose to do it, idk what else I could’ve done, I have no solution. my choice was keep feeling depressed, I’ve no desire to do anything at all, no life in me. So I relapsed even though it’s bad it’s a pain killer.
I was at school doing activity about Christmas for the kids
I have partner so the eyes are not all the time on me, I was barely holding myself together not to cry,
Trying to fake a smile, bring them joy
we gave them something great, alot of joy, but in the inside I wasn’t good.
I want to change things, I have no clue how, but first writing on public won’t help, I should write in private
And write here once a while only what’s relevant to people
That way I’ll be more honest and will actually think of solutions how to deal with X, instead of waiting for advice and attention from others.
I got many problems I have no idea how to deal with any, but talking about it won’t help, at least I may try to share it with the therapist alone,
Project for the next year, make my life worth it
How? Deal with everything
It’s not about solving a single problem, but about having a sights on how I can deal with it and work on it. as long as I’m on the journey to make it better I’ll be happy with myself.
That’s all I got to say
Have a great holiday, baby Jesus is here, fresh start for all
المجد للّٰه في العلى وعلى الأرض السلام وللناس المسرة.
ميلاد مجيد للجميع.
I want to stop using the random chat websites and apps
Stop watching porn
I want to stop watching movies or series
I’ll keep playing a game on my phone
It’s been 5 years since I left sport,
I want to do workout/practice a little bit everyday, try to get back get better
I want to do some work daily
I want to eat healthier and more protein
I want to find a way to save up 100k$ a year every year, that’s my grow me’s dream/goal
I want to set periorities right, if needed I will quit everything I’ll give up everything and stop everything, I don’t mind starting over
Just to make my life worth it
Been successful project
Now time to work on the human part
@Rab_J if you find a way to do work out in this cold winter and how can do this and enjoy …
I want but this first step is so difficult to take , I need a push to start so if you have a plan you can mention
I’ve been out of sport for 5 years
So will do easy stuff at home
Starting with pull ups push ups, dumbles , squats
Stuff like these of all sorts
And maybe try to run a little when it’s not raining
You need a starting point, know what’s your current status , limits…
So yeah 11 hours ago wrote the last diary, it’s still 27/12/21 almost midnight
so I had breakfast at lunch time , showered and did some work I was procrastinating, had dinner at 9 pm, idk how I spent my time honestly
Took a walk and here I am.
Tonight I’ll keep my phone outside of the room, I got alarm clock next to me, I’ll set it to 8 am, I want to stay away from my phone till 10 am at least.
Clean up my room and the house bring some good vibes in, work a bit and pick something for my father,
to reminder myself, I don’t want to watch anything, and don’t want to use random chat websites
I took a walk today, I should work out tomorrow, at least try something
Self respect is important what man am I if I don’t stick to my goals and plans
Woke up at 8, didn’t touch my phone first 2 hours
That’s one good thing
It was hard, really boring
I got alot to do yet I’m used to run after pleasure, not responsibilities, will change that but it’s gonna be hard. No phone that’s one check
I did clean up a bit, had a breakfast, Left home to get some stuff
Was out of the house, will return tomorrow
I did work a little,
Didn’t work out
Tomorrow I’ll be free and at home after 19:30,
I want work out tomorrow night
Not watch a movie or anything, don’t want to use my phone first 2 hours l, don’t want to watch porn or touch myself at all. Don’t want to use random chat rooms as well.
Tomorrow will see psychotherapist,
Settings and talking alone isn’t enough, so will try to be more active, I’m very distracted, but will get better.
GL all
Wore up at 8 am, had a long walk at 10am got back , had breakfast
At 10:30 had practice
At 15:30 went to the psycholog, he’s so good, always leave me with good questions to think about.
At 17:00 finally got home
I had to clean up, I was home alone for a week now my parents coming back
At 19:00 went for a walk with my 12 yo cousin
Got back to there place at 21:00, got back home now ,midnight.
so another day no pmo, no urges, no random chat websites, no TV , no phone first couple hours.
It was a good day
Tomorrow got some tasks to do,and a little concert at night , last one for 2021
I didn’t work out, will try to do it tomorrow, enough procrastinating
I should eat healthier and sure don’t want to watch porn or TV or anything, don’t want to use random chat website, I don’t want to use my phone first 2 hours.
I should prepare for the work next year (next week )
There is alot of work to do, and many tasks, I shouldn’t get overwhelmed or distracted, myself comes first, periorities is my own personal stuff, it takes alot alot alot of time to get better or to get to my goal, so I should just be patient, take things easy, give my self time, to think clearly and plan better for the future.
at age 14 I had sexual experience with an old friend
it left me with alot of feelings and debates
8 years has passed, and I still feel like I want to go back there to that memory, and re live it again.
I think about it alot alot
It’s one of the main things that gives me urges
And Sometimes just leaves me with disrespect for myself and other negative thoughts.
How to handle it? How can I get over it?
I don’t respect myself, I don’t like myself
Everyday I give up many times even before waking up, not a guy I would admire
I know nothing about life, I achieved nothing
My parents believe in me and carved in my brain "you’re worth it, you’re special, you are great at X,Y,Z… " When I feel it’s all just an illusion
My intire life I didn’t work on anything, I always did the minimum to survive another round, never did something because I believe in it, never worked on something cause I want, my intire life was built on strangers, impressing them, even exaggerating about stuff. I never fought for something, or hold my position, always running, hiding, not facing
With everything good my parents give me credit for, I know it’s illusion.
Hell they won’t let me say this out loud, they will fight me for it, until I give up again and act like I’m worth and I’m better, can fake it to everyone but not myself.
I’m at point I want to let go of everything, give up everything to know my true size, whatever it is, at least I’ll feel like it’s mine.
when my family tell me you’re worth it, we believe in you. It’s great and very kind, but doesn’t help me feel better, not doing a thing, and just setting people telling me you’re great, this is called disease, won’t help me achieve anything,on the contrary, it will make me relive the illusion once again, set do nothing because now I believe I’m there, until I fall hard and snap out of it, again. so don’t tell me I’m worth it, I got a long way to go, before earning respect to myself.
Bro , I have also relapsed a few moment ago. Hey lets have a match then. Not the match to prove anyone better but to help each other out of this loop. We can also add some good habits like working out etc. This is not to compare anyone either in terms of No Fap or discipline but to make ourselves successful individuals in the future. We both have reached 60 + streak once . I know we can do that again.
@anon87955785 hey bro that would be great, I need active companion to push each other for the better, if u know someone else wants to be on daily check that would be even better. Let’s do it
Thanks for the good energy man
I can do one thing at a time, either do or feel or think
Why? Idk I’m broken
What ever I do I’m running and hiding from something
I don’t like or respect myself, it’s things to be earned, and I don’t deserve any
I want to work, practice piano, work out and get back to karate
If I do these and don’t do pmo, I’ll be the most satisfied man. I want to get to certain lvl in piano, karate, physical strength and health, and good economical status.
I believe I can’t make anything better in my life
Cause I’m 22 and I’ve never done anything by myself
Always pushed and activated by others by alot of outside help.
I got alot of feelings to explore alot of thoughts to dig deeper into, and alot of actual work, I want to be better but I’m lazy and lonely and
I don’t believe that to get better any single shit it must be painful and hard and required alot of sacrifice, but it seems like the reality is all boring, reguir pain physical and mental.
and how can do this and enjoy …
)