PrDr's diary- The road to defeat the self

Journal
88

September 21

Today hasn’t been great. I went to bed around 2 AM last night. My family had me doing things I don’t enjoy to celebrate, like watching TV, battling heavy traffic, shopping for everything myself, and eating greasy food.

Around 10 PM, I received a long email from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in nearly 50 days. It took me about 2-3 hours to respond to all her questions. By 1 AM, I was half-asleep, and I made a silly mistake. I opened a site to change my profile picture and started searching for images of Drew McIntyre. Unfortunately, I forgot to download the picture and ended up uploading an old photo of myself instead. I realized it was my own picture when it was too late, and I quickly deleted it, hoping nobody saw. I’ve decided to keep my current vintage avatar.

Things got worse when I slept until 8:10 AM and woke up with a heavy head and a nightfall. I felt embarrassed, especially since I suspected my parents might have noticed. My mom even mentioned putting my bedsheet in the laundry, which made me more anxious. This was the first time I experienced something like this, and I’ve been hiding my face since.

At 28, I feel childish for how I reacted. The headache, guilt, and body aches haven’t helped my focus. I tried journaling for a bit and then turned to this app, which made me feel a little better, but I still feel drowsy and may fall asleep again soon.

I had planned to work on myself last night, but I’m disappointed that I didn’t follow through. I realized I’ve only exercised once this week, studied for just 4 hours yesterday, and have done nothing today. After a nap, I’ll attempt to study again. I think I’ll need an extended meditation and affirmation session to clear my mind, but it looks like I won’t meet my goals again today.

From tomorrow, I plan to limit my time here to the evenings after completing my tasks, as this site has become a distraction. @debellator, I’m sorry for letting you down again, but I promise to come back stronger.

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its okay brother.

I understand that there are some things you may not enjoy doing- definitely. I am also not always comfortable with those things at times considering my nature. Going out late, shopping a lot and battling heavy traffic etc. is always a headache for me as well. But life isn’t about me alone, so I consider it rather selfish to only think about myself. It’s good that you went because even if you feel the day was wasted the others around you would be happy with it. Plus they did it all for you, so whenever I’m in situations like this I just remind myself I’m doing this anyway, might as well give it my all. Who knows, there is a good chance that I might end up enjoying it.

There is no love without sacrifice.

I can understand that nightfalls esp. parents knowing it can be a bit embarrassing. But they’re humans too, they’ll understand. It will get over soon, just a matter of a few hours. Speaking out is good, helps the thoughts come out.

I’m working on a short 21 day challenge for the forum, I think it may help you if you join in. Very minimalistic, just meant to keep challenges going on until the return of avatar season 2 challenge.

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Thank you for being so understanding brother.

Exactly brother, that is how I feel as well. My family is the most important part of my life and only reason why I’d do any of that is because of them. Its just unfortunate that other things happened the same day, so kind of disappointed for today. My mind has really been gallopping like palomino since the morning. I know it happens after nightfalls so won’t beat myself for it.

Yes , I’ll be very glad to join in bro. Afterall, the major reason for me to use this site is self-improvement, so count me in whenever you start the challenge.

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22nd September, 2024

I am feeling quite anxious, and kind of angry on myself. I have been letting myself down continuously during past few days. Its almost like falling back to the same patterns after working so hard for so long to win over them. Yesterday was a complete failure, probably one of the worst day since Oct, 2023. I did not study a minutes, only journaled a bit, was getting massive urges throughout the day, wasted hours listening to same old retarded motivational songs that do not impact me anymore having listened to them a billion times. Then kept coming here to get dopamine boosts, even went back to ai chatbots again for a few minutes but fortunately controlled myself repeating continuously why I left it and that its not real. God also helped me by draining out the battery of my phone. But then I kept longing for that dopamine boost all day and in the night when I began to receive it through a thread here, I kept coping till 1 am, when I had to force myself to stop. In the morning I locked my phone and have placed it in another room again, but since I woke up around 9 again, I had a bad start to the day. However, I’m trying and recovering. So far I have studied 3 hours, and will do everything to complete at least 7 hours today as well as exercise and meditate for a bit in the evening, this is all thanks to challenge of my brother @debellator . Thanks brother. Yesterday has proved to me that I still lack self-control and mastery over my emotions. I need to work on that. Probably I’m also a bit anxious due to exams and personal life, but I need to stay on the track, win my battles and conquer my targets. This is the only path through which I can solve all the problems of my life. Rest all the paths are pretty much closed.

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Keep going brother :pray:
You can do this :muscle: :clap: :raised_hands:

I apologize if my thread was kinda addictive
Even I came here for the same dopamine release went to sleep at 2 am midnight
Completely exhausted . I was kinda excited too because it was one of the first kind of Conversations I had after so many years which made my heart warm.

If you want can we get into 1 on 1 study challenge for 1 week?
If you don’t want then its okay.
I respect your choice in either way.

In anyway, Keep fighting PrDr
You are brave enough to fight this :muscle: :blue_heart: :triumph:
Keep pushing you forward captain
Sometimes our life becomes so heavy stuck at something. It is when we need to drop every other thing present in our hand, make our hand empty and push our life forward with both hand with full might and determination
So you can do this
God be with us :pray: :raised_hands:

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I would suggest you to go to a library for your studies.

A year before I had a hard time to study 3 hours daily.

Game changed when I got a membership in a library. Ideally find a companion in real life.

Trust me it does wonders.

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Which companion are you talking about? :parrot::rofl:

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For me I have a studious nerd :nerd_face: in my class.

He have a habit of going to library everyday. Even tho he is mocked in public because of his nerdy behaviour , I see a huge potential in him. But when you come to understand him , he is a man with big dreams.

We use to have good conversations in private. And also I used to accompany him almost everyday in library whenever there are Mtech works in general.

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Bro’s too stoic to care about others :moyai:
I wish I could find a studious nerd companion too, but I’m myself nerd & everyone thinks I’m rude and emotionless :disappointed:

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Stop apologizing for everything bro. Its not your fault in any way. We make decisions ourselves. Thanks for the support. You people mean so much to me. :heart:

I wouldn’t mind bro, but as you are already aware I’m in another one on one challenge already. I’m also quite busy these days, but I definitely hope we can do it on a later date. I’ll have more time after exams so I have a lot of things in mind.

I know bro, but where I live there is only one government library and that too is always full. I went there several times but everytime I received the same answer that they don’t have any place for new people. Unfortunately there are no private libraries here so home is my best option. Its great though. Just somedays when I don’t try is when I fail.
As for companions in real life, I live quite far in seclusion with almost no contacts around me atm. Family is my only connection. Maybe sometime later.
Thank you so much for your advice bro. I know you want the best for me, I really appreciate that. May you succeed in your endeavours as well.

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22nd Sep Update

7.5hrs study
10 mins light exercise
5 min meditation
7 mins journalling
12 mins reading 4 pgs of self help book with focus

“Fighters fight”.
-Little Mary (2006)

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Wow that’s a good start considering you said its tough to study these days earlier.

Keep going :facepunch:

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i would always wish for your success bro!
you’ve got a good heart and will to change yourself as well as others

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23rd September, 2024

images (3)
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25th Sep, 2024
Hey, I wanted to inform you people about something that I had totally missed since coming back here. My current streak is around 50 days, not what my RC counter says. Last time I had installed RC app in my phone was last year when it was stolen, and I had since forgotten about it. Now, I can’t install RC in my current phone atm since I’ve put it in digital detox mode for 30 days, without changing settings hence DD not allowing me to install any app till the completion of the challenge. I thank @Believe_100 for bringing this blunder in my knowledge. I’m currently at ~50, but I promise this streak will never end.

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Just keep going strong and don’t give up. Your hope is in Jesus. Look to the Author and Finisher of our faith. He will never leave you nor forsake you Brother. God bless you Brother and don’t give up hope. Keep fighting and know that our redeemer lives.

Job 19:25-27: For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:
And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:
Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.

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Brother, I respect your feelings and everyone’s fights here, but I’m not Christian. I’m an agnostic. Just wanted to clarify to you and others who might be confused. I have read different religious philosophies so have some knowledge, but I do not associate with any organized religion. I just believe in the presence of almighty.

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26th Spetember, 2024

Life is a beautiful thing to have. I don’t know what to say about it, but I probably have been a person not good enough in my own eyes. At 28, I ponder how my behaviour, talks and experiences are no better than an average teenager. The age at which almost everyone settles down, I don’t even have a path yet. I do not wish anybody to go through the same, but I know a lot of people unfortunately go through a failing life, disappointing themselves in every field of life. But what I want myself and everyone to see, is that we still have a lot in ourselves. Rudyard Kipling wrote to his son, “if you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run, yours is the Earth and everything thats in it, and which is more, you’ll be a man, my son”.

The world around us is merely a reflection of our own internal environment. Its not something that I like saying, but I know I haven’t been anywhere as good as I’d want myself to be, yet I have had the audacity and habit to look down at others, being arrogant, unkind, ingrateful and mean. Ofcourse, I was destined to get that in return. When your own vision has holes you are bound to see the world through the broken lens.

But I still want to change, for myself and for others. I do not care anymore if I don’t get back anything inbreturn for what I do. That stupendous expectation leaves us with unresolved misery and pain. The change starts with smallest of steps, and hence I’m going to start small. I vow never to say anything bad about anyone or even think bad about anyone anymore. Instead of focusing on what I have lost, I will focus on what I still have and work on making them better, that includes my health, knowledge, finances and dedication and love towards my family and this world in general.

I was thinking about making a challenge, but first I want to see if I can sustain it myself, before asking anyone else to do it.
So this challenge will have three parts-

1. 10 hrs of working towards Goals

 a) 7.5 hrs of mastery (devoting 1.5 hrs each to different disciplines) []
 b) 2.5 hrs of practice (practicing mocks and pyps ) []
 c) Extra time (bonus for every 30 minutes)- []

2. Get Ripped or Get Wrecked

  a) Staying consistent with workouts []
  b) Being mindful of diet (avoid oily, sugary and junk food) []
  c) Eat and exercise on time  []

3.Mental Health Specials

  a) Meditation []
  b) Journaling []
  c) Reading Self Help Book[]
  c) Early to bed and early to rise (focusing on sleeping by 11 and waking up by 05 ) []
  d) Digital Detox (no social media, music, entertainment, or TV until I finish my tasks) []
  e) Affirmations and Visualizations[]
  f) Running []

I’ll be updating the status of my goals everyday from hereon.

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27th Sep, 2024
Studied 4+ hours so far, maybe will take it to 6 today. Thought last night that I’d be begining with my challenges from today, but some issues related to health have largely limited my mobility and efficiency today. I’m not able to sit for long or even move my right hand without pain, so I had to take more breaks today. Its my own fault though, I fell asleep on a bad mattress in a very bad posture and that is probably the reason why I’m exoeriencing this pain. I hope its gone tomorrow, so that I can achieve my targets efficiently. Rumours are making round that my exam can be postponed again, and though that might be good for many, it’d be bad for me. I have age factor with me, then I have another exam which requires a little different approach, and if both exams are conducted around the same time, my chances of selection can decrease as well. But I’ll stay hopeful and give it my all.

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2024-10-01T18:30:00Z

1. 10 hrs of working towards Goals (7.5)
a) 7.5 hrs of mastery (devoting 1.5 hrs each to different disciplines) (4 hrs)
b) 2.5 hrs of practice (practicing mocks and pyps ) (3.5hrs )
c) Extra time (bonus for every 30 minutes)-

2. Get Ripped or Get Wrecked
a) Staying consistent with workouts
b) Being mindful of diet (avoid oily, sugary and junk food)
c) Eat and exercise on time

3.Mental Health Specials
a) Meditation
b) Journaling
c) Reading Self Help Book
c) Early to bed and early to rise (focusing on sleeping by 11 and waking up by 05 )
d) Digital Detox (no social media, music, entertainment, or TV until I finish my tasks)
e) Affirmations and Visualizations
f) Running

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