✝ 𝐝𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝟗𝟎 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 (old)

[debellator]

debellator’s Self Improvement Diary

About me

Medical student | College athelete | Musician and author
Christian
Profile Pic is AI generated image of Baldwin IV
Username is Latin for conquerer

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I have moved old entries to another thread to mark the new year
Thanks- to everyone who guided and helped me
moving onward to keep improving myself

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Daily goals

[] Sleep by 10
[] Awake by 5
[] Spent at least 2 hours in deep focus today
[] Read 10 pages of self-help
[] No fanfiction reading
[] No using instagram app
[] Workout/basketball
[] Meditate for 10 minutes
[] Self-care
Currently reading: Outliers, Malcom Gladwell

[debellator]

working on something new
will update when I decide it’s a good time

[user1234567890]

That’s okay, brother. We’re here when you’re ready! Praying for you!

[debellator]

Day 5

I want to discuss one of the main under-mentioned reason for urges and understanding them.

Primarily, an urge doesn’t arise simply because of nothing. No, like many people have mentioned before, urges are actually symptoms of an underlying cause.

And by that I mean two things:

1. Stress
2. Boredom

The PMO user in the past has now habituated his brain to using ■■■■ as a mood regulator. This means that, when your brain comes across stress it doesn’t like, or is bored and wants a dopamine hit, you automatically get hit with urges.

The brain is habituated to seeing ■■■■ as a source of regulating the dopamine levels. However, there are several bad things with using PMO for this purpose:

1. The addiction
2. The hyperstimulus
3. The dopamine receptor loss

So what is the takeaway point?

When you get an urge, think about the reason for it. Am I stressed? Am I bored?
If stressed → understand the reason why you’re stressed. Maybe it’s work/ school etc. And take some small step towards alleviating that stress.
If bored → do some useful activity to get real dopamine. Like push ups and such.

Eventually the brain rewires and stops seeing PMO as a mood regulator option. That’s the goal.

This above approach really helped me with the numerous urges I faced last week.

Until next time

x–x

[debellator]

Day 7

Today I will talk about the shades of gray

When your urges pop up, they will not immediately push you to PMO. Sometimes yes, there is a direct PMO urge. But more often than that, it starts before.

This is called the gray zone

So, for example, when you’re on a streak for some days, and you’re desiring the old thrill, the old dopamine rush, and you’re scrolling through instagram, you see something that sends a jolt of pleasure up. Anything, whether its a YouTube video, a post or even a news article.

Then you’re tempted to stay and stare there.

The Bible says:

flee youthful lust

The big mistake we make is staying there and trying to fight lust and sexual urges.
Don’t fight. Flee.

By that I mean, immediately look away.

The way the cravings work are like this: first it’s an image, then another, then a few thoughts.
All pushing us slowly down that slippery slope.

That’s why even if you’re on a good streak without peeking at what you consider ‘explicit material’, you may one day suddenly find yourself fallen.

Why is that?

It’s the gray zone.

The addicted part of your brain slowly tries to push you closer and closer to the edge through small things that otherwise are fine.

You need to identify this and avoid them.

This is the toughest part of the battle but it’s where the victory is made. If you fail in the gray zone, you may not relapse today. But you will probably relapse in the future.

A constant vigilance is required. Be alert, don’t passively go through life.

Regardless of how innocent or seemingly harmless the image may seem, if you are using it for that dopamine rush, it means you are not rewiring your addiction rather you are falling for it. Get back to safety!

It’s tough but through this last week with God’s help I’ve caught myself many times when I’m in the gray zone and forced myself back before I could stare for more than 3 seconds. Just like it says in 1 Peter 5:

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

Until next time

x—x

[prince_king]

@debellator

fail in the gray zone, you may not relapse today. But you will probably relapse in the future.

There were some weird content on insta. I did looked away immediately. But the thing is insta is full of that shit nowadays so all it needs is few days to get some weird memories out of your brain.

I guess this is the reason my 90+ day streak got broken.

But let the gray know that next time it comes, the darkness of my hate towards PMO will swallow it.

[debellator]

Check-in

Status: Fallen

Well, I unfortunately relapsed.

Was going better than before. Even now I know that I’m getting close. Victory is getting closer and closer by the Grace of God.

By God’s grace I’ve managed to implement good habits, watchfulness and stress noting. So it wasn’t due to that that I fell this time. Rather, it was due to a sudden unexpected series of trigerring images I saw online on a self-improvement forum (not this one).

So because of that I succumbed to the fight this time, but with God’s help I will return stronger.

The next time I suddenly find myself encountering these traps unprepared, I must devise to do the following things:

1. Turn off the device
2. Go outside and either practise handstands or listen to good music

This time it caught me off-guard. Was going good until now.

But with God’s help I’m now aware of it and will fight harder.

Other news, well, I actually came home for a basketball tournament. We didn’t do that well (we lost) but the talent scouts noticed I played well and took down my name and number to call for state team. Which was nice.

Well other than that things are pretty uneventful. Our next tournament is only in August, which means till then I can get back to the gym. Which is nice.

Until next time

x---x

[debellator]

Crossroads

Let it happen

Currently closing in on two weeks clean, not that I’m really trying to keep track of the days. It’s been a up-and-down ride regarding nofap. I’ve stayed clean and avoided peeking, being aware of the hijacker and his mechanism. Avoiding triggering photos and staring at sensual content. Because (as I mentioned in a previous post) that’s the grey zone that leads to relapse. There have been numerous urges. And in some days I’ve only not relapsed because I do not have the opportunity to. But with God’s help I am going strong.

I am weak. But in my weakness God can show his strength more. Which is when I am strong.

When I am weak, I am strong. Because the strength is not from me.

Life has been…bad as of late. A lot of bad luck has pushed work I’ve been doing for quite a while back quite a bit. Especially physically, just as I was entering great form and preparing for the next basketball tournament, some unexpected health complications simply due to tough luck have sprung up, which means I have to take rest this upcoming week at the very least. Which troubles me because I can’t stay a day without working out or practicing. Those who have the mind of an athlete will understand. I feel that everyday I don’t train is a day I lose out on potential to improve. I need to train everyday including working out to feel happy.

Of course, not that my identity lies purely on that. However, the most important things I’ve learned these past few days are:

1. Sometimes life will be shit. Everyone has times in their life when they go through tough times. Sometimes, for no apparent reason. Sometimes God just allows tough times to strengthen you in ways you may not know. So be patient, continue working and trusting in Him and wait for the right time to pass the trial. Gold fears no fire.
2. Rely on God. Not on myself. Every time I find myself getting proud or thinking I’m greater than I am, God always sends a lesson my way to humble me but I’m learning. I’m getting better. My ego takes a hit and I question who I am and why I’m so weak. But I’m learning where true strength comes from- not me, but God.

Another side effect I’ve noticed in the higher testosterone is that I’m finding women around me more attractive in general. Not that it’s the time for it, I’ve got a lot more to do before I can even think about dating.

I’m honestly just tired at times of the stuff life has thrown my way the past week, but well, if you’re going through hell, just keep going, as Churchill said.

Everything in life is a crusade. Life is a battle, whether you like it or not. Fighting is the only way to keep surviving. But since Christ is the commander, I can fight with valor. Because I know victory is assured.

Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win

• Sun Tzu

I’ll try updating some time again when life permits.
All the best on your journey.

[debellator]

Rain or shine

Day 17

Today I will discuss a bit about dopamine and serotonin

Dopamine

• the pleasure seeking chemical
• chemical of taking
• depends on external rewards
• addictive

Serotonin

• the shared experiences chemical
• chemical of sharing
• allows one to feel intrinsic happiness
• not addictive

Dopamine is the chemical that motivates us to do things. It depends on external rewards for its presence. Which makes it addictive, and we’re constantly seeking it either through pleasure through PMO, social media or movies and TV shows and things like that.

Although dopamine itself is not bad, an overload of dopamine is pretty bad for the brain. Very bad, actually. Which is why we are rewiring the brain during our exit from the old PMO habit to get back to real life.

However, while this rewiring process is taking place, some days we will feel down. That’s natural. Here are some ways to reduce that feeling, the two ways dopamine is lost in our everyday activities are:

1. Stress

   1. the opposite of pleasure, of course
   2. cortisol, the stress hormone
   3. mini fights or flights in the grind set exhaust the nervous system
   4. many are stuck in survival mode

2. Too much consumption of the internet

   1. social media, supernormal stimuli, electronics
   2. brain wants more screen time

of course, while it is true our days are hectic and we don’t get much time, it is important to make time to rest, relax and do things that make you happy. Avoid stress when possible on days when you are feeling down.

It is normal to feel down some days. Mood swings up and down on some days, just stick to it and keep going.

How to replenish dopamine

1. Stay away from the screen
2. Connect with people
3. Be careful about passive consumption of stuff in the internet
4. Decrease stress; do hobbies
5. Connect with people
6. Get into the real world

Serotonin

It is the hormone we feel when we do things that makes us feel warm inside. Being kind to others. Going out with friends. Having an intimate moment with a loved one.

Serotonin is not addictive and does not require external stimulus. It allows for internal experience of happiness.

Be present in the moment. Breathe deeply. Be calm.

Focus on chasing serotonin. Focus on maintaining dopamine

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Nofap check-in wise, a good day. Closing in on 3 weeks clean, and I’m happy about that. Being careful not to be caught unawares.

Urges are definitely there, here and there. But with the help of Christ I can defeat them all. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Was able to get back into the routine. Today I hit a bench press PR of 60 kgs. I did it for 8 reps. For me, I am proud of it because in 2023 it was my goal to bench that much and I finally did it today. It is also pretty close to my bodyweight, so soon I’ll be able to bench press my bodyweight, which is dope.

I’ve got a lot of work to do in multiple fields, committing to many but being careful not to overcommit. I must be careful and make diligent use of my time.

I’m not utilizing the evenings I spend in the library efficiently enough. The breaks I take are too long, and I don’t think the pace I’m currently at will be enough for me. I have to buck up. I will think about this and reflect, as I always do. Come up with a better plan of action and definitely implement it.

If I have any advise in combating urges it would be this: find and eliminate the grey zone. I have written about it in my earlier post. Avoiding slipping in this zone goes a LONG way in preventing a relapse.

That’s all for now,
Until next time.

x------x

[debellator]

Check-in

Status : Relapsed

Well, unfortunately the above is true.

I’m afraid I’ve failed the challenge @valiantwarriorsoldier

Will come back stronger.

I know that by God’s help I’m on the cusp of victory.

This time I was nearly 3 weeks clean. The only reason I fell last time as well as this time was because suddenly was exposed to a highly triggering video (which wasn’t because I was looking for anything sexual on purpose, just by accident).

The issue with these sudden triggers is I’m not that used to them. Till now I used to fall to the urges which kept battling me so far. But I’ve noticed progress in that urges I can defeat now, they aren’t really an issue. It’s the sudden triggers which I don’t expect combined with the urges only which can pull me back down. I’ve got a new action plan for them, which I will elucidate in a later post once I have more experience battling them.

But by God’s grace I can feel that I am getting closer to where I need to be. ■■■■ no longer makes me happy or gives me pleasure, it is just these few slip ups that happen now and again which I hate. When I learn to control those few last steps I will be in freedom.

Only God can really help. Human motivation has a limit.

Your future looks too bright to quit now

I’m almost there. I know it.

I will be back, stronger.
I’ve got to get my act together.

Until next time,

x—x

[valiantwarriorsoldier]

Same here mate now I m planning on next challenge 140 days

Let’s do it mate

[Ryomen_Sukuna]

Every warrior takes a hit now and then sir, but you’re not a mere warrior, you’ve got the heart of a knight.

The battlefield stands ready and we await your decree to advance, noble knight. Lead us into the fray, mighty @debellator. Your charge will light our path.

[debellator]

Momentum

Make it or break it

Day 1

Everything resists change. But once the motion begins, it’s tough to stop. Almost impossible, sometimes.

Look at the earth, for example. How it rotates. Nothing is pushing it. Nothing is pulling it.
But that’s the power of inertia. Once you start going good, you’re good to go for quite a while.

I was going good, upgrading and progressing a few weeks back when things went down due to circumstances out of my control. Shit happened, and I was down and out of commission for a few weeks. Even now I feel the after-effects.

I also had persistent relapses in this period. Relapses every 5-7 days.

But this post marks the end of that.

I’ve fought the inertia. I’ve pushed myself out of the slump.
I will force myself to get back into motion. And once I’m there- keep the momentum going.

With God’s help I’m going to get over this slump and come back stronger than ever.

That’s the thing-

when you’re doing good- it’s easy to stay up. When you fall down- it’s easy to stay down

That’s why some people succeed and others don’t. They have the ability to keep getting up every time they fall down. Get up, but don’t ever give up is the required mentality.

My next post will not be post relapse but a clean post. Mark my words.

Will update when I get the time next,
Until next time,

x-----x

[debellator]

Focus

The #1 determinant for success

Day 7

Things have been going good, by God’s grace. Besides the usual drama and the studies and all the rest, I’ve managed to get back to the gym and study as well. However, I will be stopping the gym for some time since I have basketball tournaments coming up.

That was the purpose of this post. Till now I’ve focused on studies+gym, but my basketball game has not improved to where I want it to be. This post is my resolution to work on the following habits till 19 October, 2024. I will update about the same on the 19th/20th

I will (and I really mean it) achieve the following outcomes:

Practice and develop an AI Jumpshot in the paint
Get back into my shooting form
Create at least 50 Anki cards for revision everyday for future exams
Ensure I spend at least 15 minutes in quiet time with God everyday
Meditate for at least 5 minutes everyday

How I will achieve the following:

→ I will practice basketball everyday without fail. I will go to the court no later than 5, unless classes get over late.
→ Watch basketball videos on the AI jump shop. Study game footage.
→ Wake up by 5:30 to study and have my quiet time
→ Sleep by 11 pm
→ Meditate before sleeping everyday

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Nofap-wise, haven’t really had a lot of urges. A few here and there. But I’m really busy at the moment without the time to relapse, which is helpful. It reminds me of how simple and easy it is to break this addiction, like how easypeasy mentions it.

When we are out of station or away from home we have no issue not relapsing because we are not given opportunity. It is when we have opportunities, like being home alone, excess free time, eating junk food or having negative stress responses, that we begin to relapse.

You stop being a PMO user the moment you stop watching. You just need to let your mind catch up with your body. PMO is the past. You are free!

(I really should re-read easypeasy some time)

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Until next time,

x—x

[debellator]

Start again

2024-09-11T18:30:00Z

I think the regular updates is more necessary for me. I tried the occasional updates but they don’t provide the accountability I need. I will go back to daily updates.

Need to work harder.

Goal date:

2024-10-11T18:30:00Z

(stay clean for 30 days)

Daily goals

[] Sleep by 10
[] Awake by 5
[] 5:30 to 7:15 deep focus
[] Read 10 pages of self-help
[] No fanfiction reading
[] No using instagram app
[] Workout/basketball
[] Meditate for 10 minutes

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I will follow these goals for the next 30 days and report on progress.

[debellator]

2024-09-11T18:30:00Z

Day 0/30

Sleep by 10
Awake by 5
5:30 to 7:15 deep focus
Read 10 pages of self-help
No fanfiction reading
No using instagram app
Workout/basketball
Meditate for 10 minutes

[debellator]

2024-09-12T18:30:00Z

Day 1/30

Sleep by 10
Awake by 5
5:30 to 7:15 deep focus
Read 10 pages of self-help
No fanfiction reading
No using instagram app
Workout/basketball
Meditate for 10 minutes

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Lost my momentum. Need to get it back.

[PrDr]

We both need to, brother. Lets restart together.

[Sholt_Tenkerrot]

I challenge you for 10 days of daily diary updates bhai! We will start from today 14th September 2024

[_TIGER]

@debellator bro we want your avatar challenge again. I really liked it. Hope you will make a season 2 sothat I can take part.