Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)

Good morning everyone

I managed to stay away from porn the last 17 hrs. and I did uninstall my smartphone game.
Even though both goals where pretty small, they were hard to reach.

Today, I wanna write a short list about things I notice, when I masturbate too much. I really don’t think, that all bad stuff comes from pmo. But over the years, these showed to correlate with my frequent pmo:

  • Twitching eye lid
  • Restlessness, not able to focus on something (monkey mind)
  • problems with digestion and lower stomach pain (during masturbation I tense a lot. So, if I watch porn for many hours a day, my stomach cramps which leads to many problems)
  • Obviously, my dick begins to hurt
  • I need more and more and more. I thick too often of porn, I need sex and forget about love

Next goal:

  • My girlfriend arrives today evening. No pmo until then

See ya tomorrow

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It is so rough.
Every single day I’m fighting. But i guess I’m farther than I was ever before. Meditation helps me a lot. But the last few weeks I watched porn soooo often, that it is hard to break the cycle (home office doesn’t really help either). But I will be able to do it!

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At the moment, every single day is full of heavy urges to masturbate. I wanna do it the whole day and I have no idea what to do against it.
Right now, i should work on my publication. I currently have 4 options

  • work
  • watch porn
  • watch games
  • meditate

The first leads to short term satisfaction because I did what i had to do.
Second and third are pure flight from the uncomfortable feeling
The fourth is what leads to lasting satisfaction. But it somehow hurts to do it.

Yesterday night, something resonated with the thought that I have to let go of something to beat this addiction. I’m somehow bound to certain believes which keep me from ending this addiction. Even know that I know that meditation would be the right choice, it is hard to actually commit to it. I feel like I’m loosing something. There is such a thigh connection between me and the internet, that it is extremely painful to let go of it.

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