Hey man,
as you know I follow your updates regularly, kind of lurking, but this entry struck a chord once again.
First of all, sorry to hear that you had some rough days. Stay strong man! We are with you.
Some thoughts on what you wrote:
I know the feeling all too well - for some reason I always unconsciously thought it’s a given that I will excel at something, and the only way to measure that was other people’s success. If I want to be a pianist, I have to be one of the best, like looking back later there has to be something extraordinary that people will go like: yeah at this age he even did this or that.
Same with writing. With biology, with sports, with almost everything I was ever interested in. And not being the best frustrated me, because I deemed myself intelligent, or let’s rather say observant enough to notice what I could do better. Which was when more frustrating. It always felt like I had this huge potential and I wasn’t using it. Like I was missing out on my own talent.
Thing is, that exact state of mind was what kept me from doing anything at any level, and even worse, it kept me from being happy with anything I did. If I practiced two hours a day, it could’ve been four. If I practiced four, I could’ve been more efficient. And if after a week of practicing I didn’t feel like getting on the biggest stage ever in two more, I lost interest and motivation again. Because if I won’t be extraordinary in this field, then why even bother.
I have to admit, when I started NoFap, or rewiring, I did it for similar reasons as a lot of people here: reach my potential. I thought that obviously there had to be something keeping me from achieving. Keeping me from doing what I was able to do.
But see, exactly that is what kept me down.
I always thought I had to be great, not good, GREAT, and if I wasn’t, I was a failure.
I could perform better than a lot of others and still feel stupid because someone else was even better. And so I didn’t like what I did, felt like it was worthless even trying, and always felt like I wasn’t who I should be. It made me kind of hate myself in this passive aggressive way. Like I was disappointed with myself all the time.
Long story short, I think the key at least for me lies in doing the best I can, and being okay with it. Accepting what I can do and what I can’t, for whatever reasons. Not expecting too much nor too less, but actually not expecting anything. Not striving for perfection, but for being in touch with myself, and thus loving myself. Doing the best you can means you’ll get exactly where you ought to get, I guess. And making the best out of that situation keeps you going. And eventually it will get you somewhere, because you kept going, and you’ll be content with what you achieve.
I remember reading sometime that everybody is a slave to something unless we let go, as you say. And that can be money, but also knowledge, or achievements, or a career, or being the best version of yourself.
I try to think of achievements as something I look back to, not something I pursue. I don’t achieve to get acknowledge, but acknowledge what I achieved, if that makes any sense.
Like, you drink a lemonade or a beer because you like the taste and you might be thirsty, not because you collect empty bottles 
and if you drink a lot, the collection of bottles comes all by itself, reminding you of the moments you had drinking.
Even if it’s just practicing for two hours when it could’ve been all day. If I enjoy those two hours, I’ll come back and make it more. If I think it’s not enough, I’ll see it as work, as something I have to do, and so it’s an endless uphill struggle. If you see perfection as a good thing and everything less as a bad thing, your life will end up as a pile of bad things I guess.
So, sorry for the wall of text in your diary. But maybe you’ll find some ideas or thoughts in my own ones.
All the best!
