Don’t really know what to say. Had a decent streak before Christmas, destroyed it on the 25th.
It is difficult at the moment to have a decent daily routine.
Finishing my Thesis, waiting for corrections of my supervisor, implementing these, sending to the next supervisor, waiting and stuff like that.
Applying for PhD goes very slowly. There are only two positions I really wanna have. two more options which are okay. If I don’t get one of these I have to re-think my plans. maybe considering a PhD abroad?
I think the most important thing for me in this situation is to have some good habits, daily meditation, and reserving enough time for myself (to think about various things).
Urges are currently very high to watch TV, Youtube, play games and ■■■■. Everything that prevents me from having to do important stuff and do the thinking stuff.
I feel that bro, my schedule is wack right now myself.
I don’t know what it was about holidays and birthdays in the past, but I would always relapse on them. Maybe I was so worried that I would relapse or feeling so crappy that I was at yet another Christmas or birthday not clean that I relapsed again out of guilt. It is a vicious cycle.
The urges are definitely creeping up like that for me as well. Can’t get anything done lately but I need to think!
But I don’t know, I think we can put our brains to work, as you said, I think it’s about creating those healthy habits and daily rituals. I always abandon them in the beginning when it is difficult because I think to myself that it is too rigid. But that’s always too early I’m starting to realize; once we give the habits some time to form, we are able to be more elastic with them and also have a better time working things around them.
Anyway, enough of my rambling, I hope you sort everything out though with your PhD man! I’ll be following your journals.
I think I will start a list were I state the reason for every relapse. (each time I relapse I will add the reason why it happened)
25.12: I was very tired but instead of taking a short nap I wanted to “stay productive and useful”. Porn kept me awake but didn’t make me very productive…
25.12: I was very tired but instead of taking a short nap I wanted to “stay productive and useful”. Porn kept me awake but didn’t make me very productive…
31.12: I knew that I have lots of things to do. But the fear to start grew too intense. I watched porn, so that i didn’t have to start working on my todo list.
What could I do? This is a tough one for me because it happens a lot. I guess the anxiety comes from the feeling of not knowing where to start, seeing all the stuff I have to do and seeing a chance to fail.
I have to find a way to enjoy the start of the work. I try to start a habit like: sitting somewhere comfortable with a cup of coffee, listening to music and writing a todo list for the day or next hours. Starting with very small and easy tasks.
I can definitely relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed with all you have to do, or think you should do as fast as possible.
I think oftentimes I know from a logical point of view that I should be able to get productive, and seeing that I still don’t do it makes me feel even more shitty and worthless. “I know better but still am too lazy, so what’s wrong with me?”
But as you said, the fun thing is that once I start, and I actually take things bit by bit, I get stuff done and are sometimes even more productive than I first imagined. And that’s because I can’t put myself into perspective, I’m so not used to sitting down to work that I don’t know what exactly I’m capable of and what not, and which strategies to use to get there. Like seeing the fog and even your goal, but you think you can’t find your way through even though it’s just a few right steps.
I still don’t know how to face that. I guess doing it or as you do, make the environment healthier, helps , and then you have to concentrate after on what it was that helped you follow through. Maybe create another list where you write down how you felt after a productive day, what kept you going , feeling good, and thus find out how you operate best
Anyways, all the best as always, and have a nice new years eve!
I know that so well. Yesterday I got angry because my girlfriend made the same. But in the end I was the one crying on my bed because I hated exactly this thought. I know better, so why am I still doing it
Describes it perfectly
I should think about that. Could be a good strategy
Thanks a lot
Today I kept one strong thought in mind:
The priority number one is my health. Nothing else is more important. That means, I don’t need to do stuff right now. If I feel tired or something is bothering me, than there is no reason to work on my todo list. It is better to sit down and listen to myself. Do something positive.
Today I did any positive things. Sitting in front of a fire, reading, napping, meditation and cleaning up my room. And it does make me feel better. I uninstalled a smartphone game which i spent over an hour each day. It hurt to do but it was necessary. I didn’t spend time on my phone or laptop today at all.
I was reading your previous post about how you found it difficult to get started on your to do list. It made me think of some reading I was doing about therapy techniques. One of the strategies for dealing with anxiety, depression, or the mind’s unwillingness to focus sounds like it might be useful to you. The strategy was to physically take one step at a time when trying to do something.
In the book, the scenario revolved around someone with crippling depression who has trouble getting out of bed in the morning. So taking one step at a time, focusing on each step as it comes and nothing else really helps people to get to the bathroom to brush their teeth, get their clothes on for work, head out the door, and so on for the rest of the day. The idea behind it is that often times we look at the giant mountain of a task we have in front of us. We look at the top and we see the cliffs and the steep paths that await us, and we say, “There’s no way I can do that.” But when we just look down at our feet and focus on the next step. Think of the next step as all that matters. Then before we know it, we have accomplished our goal.
So maybe applying that to your to-do list would help, taking one step at a time whether that be physically so as to get you to sit down at the desk or by segmenting your tasks into smaller tasks (as small as you need to go, i.e. picking up a pencil).
Thanks a lot for your advices
Good to hear that this could be a helpful option.
Today was pretty good. Felt better than yesterday but still not really great. But it is getting better. I don’t really work on my todo list but I can finish the stuff that I really have to do. Other than that, I am listing to myself and doing good things. Went bouldering, found a new piano piece, read and just relaxed. Maybe I will meditate later.
hmmm this one is a more difficult one.
I feel a need for the excitement. The increased heart rate, the energy flushing through my body. What I probably should do is going for a run. But I have many excuses. It’s freezing cold outside, I have a rest day and so on. Maybe I should find something else that gives me that excitement
Thanks a lot for your advice. A quick exercise definitely gave me a short burst of motivation but didn’t last too long.
But i found another thing:
Now that I don’t have to work I just lived everyday without a greater goal.
I think that is what was missing. I did good stuff but had no real reason or goal to do it.
I defined a few goals for the next few months.
Studies -> Finishing my Master
Work -> finding a PhD
Holiday -> preparing my time in Mexico
Myself -> Mental clarity
I hope that this give me an energy to actually do things
today was pretty good. got stuff done and went to the climbing gym.
but i felt that i need to have break with training for 5 days. else i will get insured.
It has been a very long time since my last visit to the forum and different things have happened.
As a brief update:
In February, I was on holidays with my girlfriend for 4 weeks. Meaning, the streak I had back than was kind of cheated. I didn’t have many opportunities to watch porn. So, it is pretty easy to reach that.
Now that I’m working on home office, it is pretty bad again. I’m currently on my phone for 6hrs a day (probably 3 on games and 3 on porn). This definitely has to change.
Also, I started to meditate daily for 1hr (2x 30min) which is amazing. It really changes my perspective.
So, here my next little goal:
Uninstall the smartphone game
Don’t watch porn for the rest of today
These should be manageable.
See ya tomorrow and stay healthy
I managed to stay away from porn the last 17 hrs. and I did uninstall my smartphone game.
Even though both goals where pretty small, they were hard to reach.
Today, I wanna write a short list about things I notice, when I masturbate too much. I really don’t think, that all bad stuff comes from pmo. But over the years, these showed to correlate with my frequent pmo:
Twitching eye lid
Restlessness, not able to focus on something (monkey mind)
problems with digestion and lower stomach pain (during masturbation I tense a lot. So, if I watch porn for many hours a day, my stomach cramps which leads to many problems)
Obviously, my dick begins to hurt
I need more and more and more. I thick too often of porn, I need sex and forget about love
Next goal:
My girlfriend arrives today evening. No pmo until then
It is so rough.
Every single day I’m fighting. But i guess I’m farther than I was ever before. Meditation helps me a lot. But the last few weeks I watched porn soooo often, that it is hard to break the cycle (home office doesn’t really help either). But I will be able to do it!
At the moment, every single day is full of heavy urges to masturbate. I wanna do it the whole day and I have no idea what to do against it.
Right now, i should work on my publication. I currently have 4 options
work
watch porn
watch games
meditate
The first leads to short term satisfaction because I did what i had to do.
Second and third are pure flight from the uncomfortable feeling
The fourth is what leads to lasting satisfaction. But it somehow hurts to do it.
Yesterday night, something resonated with the thought that I have to let go of something to beat this addiction. I’m somehow bound to certain believes which keep me from ending this addiction. Even know that I know that meditation would be the right choice, it is hard to actually commit to it. I feel like I’m loosing something. There is such a thigh connection between me and the internet, that it is extremely painful to let go of it.
