Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)


Damn it went so well! Whole afternoon / evening was amazing. I really stick to my plan and didn’t relapse. Right until before I should go to bed…

So, another 30min of porn…

  • 06.05.19: 3hrs
  • 07.05.19: 0.5hrs

Two completely different days.
Yesterday was great. I didn’t have time for relapse but more important I joined a conference. During the break / dinner I stood on a table with my friends. But at some point I realized that I don’t wanna spend the whole evening there. So, I started to network and moved from table to table and talked with everyone I knew. Even if I have barely knew their name. It was great to not hide on my table but meeting new people.
And it was already worth it. I got ideas / offers for an amazing PhD position.

Today the exact opposite. I was very tired (went to bed late to to the event and had to wake up too early). Instead of taking a nap during the day, which I definitely should have done, I tried to stay awake. Because of the stupid concept in my head that being tired is a weakness… I definitely have to be able to change that. So, I did a lot of shit today.

1hr of TV
2hrs of Gaming
1.5hrs of porn

  • 06.05.19: 3hrs
  • 07.05.19: 0.5hrs
  • 08.05.19: 0hrs
  • 09.05.19: 4.5hrs
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At the moment, it’s not the easy or busy days which are important for me but the hard ones. I have to learn to handle my feelings. To know where they are coming from and what I can do against them.
So, Yesterday was one of the more useless days. I was extremely tired and would have relapsed immediately if I had time for it. But I was so busy, that I couldn’t.

So, 0hrs yesterday.

Today was a bit different. Still, I felt horrible. Was tired and angry. Wanted to relapse so badly but I didn’t. Instead I tried to figure out where the feelings are coming from. I tried to feel, what activities I wanted to do. I played computer games at some point. For maybe half an hour, I really enjoyed it. after that, I continued for another half hour which I really shouldn’t have.
I felt a change. I became annoyed by the game and got angry. I felt, how my grip on the real life slipped. But still I couldn’t quit. I wasn’t able to turn it off. After 30min of struggling, I turned off my computer and went outside.

Still, the whole day, I was really angry an mad for no good reason. Until I went bouldering in my local gym. It is so amazing to see how my social skills improve. First the event on Wednesday, where I talked with everyone I knew at the conference. The same today. Everyone was amazed, since the best female bouderer came to our gym. At some point, we were doing the same boulder and started to talk to each other. A thing I would have NEVER done a year ago.

Today, I count as a 0.5hr relapse to the gaming.

  • 06.05.19: 3hrs
  • 07.05.19: 0.5hrs
  • 08.05.19: 0hrs
  • 09.05.19: 4.5hrs
  • 10.05.19: 0hrs
  • 11.05.19: 0.5 hrs
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I needed a little break from all this. That’s why I didn’t post during the last days.
I’m still working on how others see me and I feel like I make a lot of improvements.
Basically my goal is: After every situation where I was exposed to another person (e.g. I asked someone for help), I analyze how I previously would have thought about his opinion of me (about how stupid I am that I have to ask something, annoyed because I’m wasting his time, malicious because he can now use something against me) and how I objectively think about his opinion (we had a good discussion, he is happy to help me, we also added some small talk -> making some friends)

It shows me, that I judge the people around me way more malicious, than they really are and by changing that, I can feel more self-confident since I don’t have to fear a negative reaction

The second thing I really have to work on is how I judge my feelings, in particular, tiredness. I see being tired as a weakness. Something I mustn’t be. Even after a long day or hard work, I can’t except being tired. Hence, I start watching porn to make me feel awake. This will definitely be a goal of the next 2 weeks.

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Don’t wanna be here for too long.
Just as a quick post:
no relapse the last 2 days.

My cheeks are sore and hurting. The last 2 days were so good, that I was smiling way too much :slight_smile: