Neveragains journal (+the part from the old forum)

Damn it went so well! Whole afternoon / evening was amazing. I really stick to my plan and didn’t relapse. Right until before I should go to bed…

So, another 30min of porn…

  • 06.05.19: 3hrs
  • 07.05.19: 0.5hrs

Two completely different days.
Yesterday was great. I didn’t have time for relapse but more important I joined a conference. During the break / dinner I stood on a table with my friends. But at some point I realized that I don’t wanna spend the whole evening there. So, I started to network and moved from table to table and talked with everyone I knew. Even if I have barely knew their name. It was great to not hide on my table but meeting new people.
And it was already worth it. I got ideas / offers for an amazing PhD position.

Today the exact opposite. I was very tired (went to bed late to to the event and had to wake up too early). Instead of taking a nap during the day, which I definitely should have done, I tried to stay awake. Because of the stupid concept in my head that being tired is a weakness… I definitely have to be able to change that. So, I did a lot of shit today.

1hr of TV
2hrs of Gaming
1.5hrs of porn

  • 06.05.19: 3hrs
  • 07.05.19: 0.5hrs
  • 08.05.19: 0hrs
  • 09.05.19: 4.5hrs
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At the moment, it’s not the easy or busy days which are important for me but the hard ones. I have to learn to handle my feelings. To know where they are coming from and what I can do against them.
So, Yesterday was one of the more useless days. I was extremely tired and would have relapsed immediately if I had time for it. But I was so busy, that I couldn’t.

So, 0hrs yesterday.

Today was a bit different. Still, I felt horrible. Was tired and angry. Wanted to relapse so badly but I didn’t. Instead I tried to figure out where the feelings are coming from. I tried to feel, what activities I wanted to do. I played computer games at some point. For maybe half an hour, I really enjoyed it. after that, I continued for another half hour which I really shouldn’t have.
I felt a change. I became annoyed by the game and got angry. I felt, how my grip on the real life slipped. But still I couldn’t quit. I wasn’t able to turn it off. After 30min of struggling, I turned off my computer and went outside.

Still, the whole day, I was really angry an mad for no good reason. Until I went bouldering in my local gym. It is so amazing to see how my social skills improve. First the event on Wednesday, where I talked with everyone I knew at the conference. The same today. Everyone was amazed, since the best female bouderer came to our gym. At some point, we were doing the same boulder and started to talk to each other. A thing I would have NEVER done a year ago.

Today, I count as a 0.5hr relapse to the gaming.

  • 06.05.19: 3hrs
  • 07.05.19: 0.5hrs
  • 08.05.19: 0hrs
  • 09.05.19: 4.5hrs
  • 10.05.19: 0hrs
  • 11.05.19: 0.5 hrs
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I needed a little break from all this. That’s why I didn’t post during the last days.
I’m still working on how others see me and I feel like I make a lot of improvements.
Basically my goal is: After every situation where I was exposed to another person (e.g. I asked someone for help), I analyze how I previously would have thought about his opinion of me (about how stupid I am that I have to ask something, annoyed because I’m wasting his time, malicious because he can now use something against me) and how I objectively think about his opinion (we had a good discussion, he is happy to help me, we also added some small talk -> making some friends)

It shows me, that I judge the people around me way more malicious, than they really are and by changing that, I can feel more self-confident since I don’t have to fear a negative reaction

The second thing I really have to work on is how I judge my feelings, in particular, tiredness. I see being tired as a weakness. Something I mustn’t be. Even after a long day or hard work, I can’t except being tired. Hence, I start watching porn to make me feel awake. This will definitely be a goal of the next 2 weeks.

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Don’t wanna be here for too long.
Just as a quick post:
no relapse the last 2 days.

My cheeks are sore and hurting. The last 2 days were so good, that I was smiling way too much :slight_smile:

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I really don’t know how I should change that.
I was really tired today because I wasn’t able to sleep enough the last few days.
So, after work, I was tired and hungry. On my way home, I realized that and knew that my urges are because of these two feelings. I knew that I should take a nap and eat dinner and everything would be fine

But instead I decided to watch porn for 1.5hrs. Now, I’m still tired and even more hungry :tired_face:
I really have to learn to listen to my emotions. Not suppressing them. I could try to listen to them multiple times a day, and each time, I could do what my emotions need. If I’m tired, I take a nap. If I’m hungry I eat a snack. If I feel overwhelmed, I go for a short walk.

Let’s see if that works out

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You got this bro! I believe in you :+1:

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Found a new and vast source of power: Positivity

I was told, that people often look for things and traits in other which they search in them self.
So, If I’m not happy with myself, I’m hating myself for mistakes I do and stuff like that, I will also search in others for that.

I never realized that. I always thought, that I am a kind and genuine person, always looking for the good things in others.

But now that I take a closer look, I realized, that I’m constantly looking for flaws and mistakes in others because that makes me feel better. On the other hand, I hate it if someone else has success.

Today I started to have a positive mindset all the time. It gives me so much power. I feel connected with the world like I haven’t been in a really long time. Hope I can keep this up

Thanks a lot everyone for your support

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I haven’t posted in almost a month. So, here a little update

I improved and learned a lot during the last weeks and I feel like I have the capability to start again a serious attempt to get rid of this plague.

What are the most important things I’ve learned?

  • People don’t wanna do me harm or hurt me.
    I don’t have to fear that other people might be evil. A scale about how much people like me starts at “not at all” and ends with “extremely fond of me”. "I wanna hurt him doesn’t belong onto this scale. It is something a psychopath would think
  • I have to be more positive!
    I look at other peoples accomplishments, reasoning, hobbies and just everything and search for things that could be bad. Because, they mustn’t be better than me. But, a person who works 10hrs a day is not better than a person working 6 hrs and relaxing the other 4. It’s just a way of priorities. One person has a high priority on career. The other on well-being. Good or bad are not adjectives which can describe different lifestyles or hobbies.
  • I have to connect more with myself!
    My body and soul are not really connected. A friend once asked me “what makes you happy?”. And I wasn’t able to tell him. I knew what I like to do or what should make me happy but I never felt joy or happiness during an activity. The problem was, that I always did, what I thought would be the right thing. Like “now I have free-time, so I should read that book or play piano because these are my hobbies.” Planing my days through made it even worse.
    Here, I found something that really helps me with nofap!. I started to do the opposite than keeping myself occupied. I try to do as few things as possible. I only do the things, I really wanna do. After coming home, I sit on my couch an wait. I wait to figure out what I really wanna do. After a few minutes, feelings are coming. Like hunger, or tiredness. On other occasions it’s the remembrance that I should do some work or the feeling that I wanna read a book.
    I never relapsed on days where I strictly did that.

Why do I wanna continue with nofap?

  • It eats up sooo much time.
    Finally I’m done with the course work for my master. Working on my Master’s Thesis I would have so much free time. Time I could spend however I want. I don’t wanna waste that precious time on porn!
  • I feel extremely tired all the time. These can be due to a whole bunch of things. I wanna go to bed earlier, mediate before going to bed, stop drinking coffee to tackle tiredness and nofap to regain some energy
  • I feel ashamed, having a girl friend and looking at this shit!
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hey man,
you seem to make a lot of progress, I like that!
I’m currently experiencing increased mental and emotional self-awareness as well. It helps me a lot in getting my values straight and ultimately in how to spend my time and where I want to be in life.
Affirmations really helped with this.
Wouldn’t have thought that I would be able to gain that sense of confidence even a couple of month ago.
Anyways, it’s great to see you’re doing well :slight_smile:
You deserve it! :wink:

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Thanks a lot for your support. It means a lot to me to know that people are around, reading this and are here to help me.

Man Boris, I just saw that you are on over 130 days. That is amazing!

I see that my life can become really good. It feels like I can leave this addiction behind. Months ago, when I tried to stop, there were so many feelings I didn’t understand. It felt bad not to relapse. It hurt and the need to compensate something got stronger and stronger

I currently feel better than ever before. I start to feel what my brain needs and what it is bothered by. I don’t feel as hopeless and incapable to change my behavior. I can identify whether I feel anxious because of how I think other people see me or me not delivering the best that I can. I see a subtle difference which can help me to figure out new solutions

After finishing all my mandatory courses of my masters, I thought that many problems will be solved. I had free time and fewer things I had to do. But it started new problems. Instead of trying to work for my studies 24/7 I now tried to not do any work at all at home. That let to me, procrastinating everything. Until this week were all the deadlines converged. It was absolutely horrible.

I think, now I finally found a good balance between including work in my spare time (all the little things you don’t like to do at home but still have to) but still having enough time to relax and just do nothing.

From today I will start my new counter. (I’m not using the app anymore. I spent way too much time checking the forum on my phone)
I feel like a good time to check back in will be next Tuesday.

See ya

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hey man,
what you write resonates a lot with me! Especially when you wrote that having a lot of free time sort of brought you down.
I was very busy with my studies too the last couple of month. That let me to neglecting my habits and especially NoFap. When I finally had free time after a stressful exam - guess what happened?

I relapsed! Just after about 180 days.
I wasn’t in a good place the last week and kept relapsing until Saturday.
I then made the decision to set new boundaries for myself. I blocked youtube and google (I just use startpage as a safe alternative) since I kept relapsing over those sites. Now I’m good I think.

What I learned too though is that we all must build habits, which make it easier to take care of us during stressful times and to not get lost in too much free time. How to deal with boredom, lonliness and fatigue through habits, mindsets and self-awareness is critical!

All the best to you!

@BorisKw
Its all about habit.
Two types of situation can take place

  1. Some are so busy studying that they dont have time for fapping
  2. Some are too busy fapping that they dont have time for studing

So , it is not correct to say that free time tempts one to fap. But , Yeah , this is one of the factors.

For me , when my addiction was not serious , I used to be in situation 1. ( 4 years back) I could easily leave this shit for studies

But as my addiction grew up stronger and more serious , I landed myself in situation 2 , (2 years back) and spoilt my career for shit.

I was like an aeroplane which moved well on run way , but when it was about to fly , it got imbalanced and crashed.

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True, I agree - that is an option I haven’t considered.

hi everyone.
Thanks a lot for commenting.
I can resonant with quite a lot of it.

A slight change for my situation:
I felt like I had two priorities for a long time in my life.
Either I studied or I watched porn. Everything else didn’t have a priority. So, these were the only two things I did. Like that, I got good grades, but I used up all of my free time with fapping. So much, that I don’t really know how to use free time.

I think, in life it very often comes to priorities. We tend to say “I don’t have time to work out” or “I don’t have time to read a book”. But that is actually wrong. Doing a workout doesn’t take more than 2 hrs. A day has 24. -> It easily fits in your day. The question is: What is important to us?
So, if we stay at home and fap instead of going out with friends just means, that the priority for porn is higher than the one for going out.

Having your priorities right can remove so many issues. Like procrastinating, not having enough free time, having too much free time, watching porn.

Tonight as an example I watched porn for 2 hrs. It felt important to me. Bet know I hate myself since I now don’t have time for meditation, a proper dinner, reading, working on my issues (being more positive, not seeing others as enemies), going to bed early.

All these things were not important enough to me, otherwise I would have done them instead of watching porn. So, one tactic could be, to increase the priority of these things

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I’m damn angry at myself. Once and for all, I wanna be rid of this shit! I feel like a got the motivation again. Now, after over 2 years?, I really have to get rid of it.
During the last years, I improved my life a lot. I see my goals, I know how I wanna spend my free time, I’m so much more outgoing. Really the last thing I have to change is this addiction.

Once again (this time for the last time) I focus on my porn addiction. I will come to this thread every day, I will post every day about how I didn’t relapse. I will need determination and motivation. The things I’m lacking the most.

Day 0
See you tomorrow

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