Other than that
Working out twice a day has made my muscles a little tighter
Feels awesome
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Finished day 30 just now
No doubt Iām going through flatline, and that scary wave of depression which makes me feel absolutely worthless
But today I outperformed myself. I smashed it all.
Remembering Metal bat was worth it. And his being pumped up. I love being pumped up too. When adrenaline hits you hard and you are able to stand things that were considered impossible before.
Better focus in class. Better memory. Better free thinking. I didnāt even check how much time for class was left. And intense workout after that.
And it all started when she dumped me. This break up has been one of the best things that have happened with me in a while.
Iāll show her and all of them, who am I. What am I capable of. What can I create, what can I obliterate. I will go to great heights. Everyone will see.
Iām never giving up again. I will smash all the negatives in my life. This is just a start
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Day 32
Yesterday due to some events that had happened I was heavily depressed
Had an extreme urge to fap due to this and amused myself by other means (Internet is full of those)
Last night while sleeping dirty thoughts came to my mind and although I didnāt gave in to the urge I let those thoughts to come up and wander in my mind. Today feeling gross for allowing them. Explains how would it have been if I had fapped. A worse form of depression wouldāve kicked in. Might had cursed myself, punched walls and skipped the workout too. It all starts with a single fap. I was successful in eliminating 95% of the sexual thoughts. Time for an upgrade. Starting now, the focus would be on being productive. Actively seeking things that challenge my PFC, and conquering them. Letās do this
Update - noticed an increase in physical capabilities
Higher stamina, increased upper body strength. Maybe it is time to update my exercise routine, make it more demanding. Iāll wait for another week tho
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Day 33
I do get sad and frustrated, but thereās something different sometimes. I feel like Iām making progress. If Iād fap and still remain sad, that would be worse. I guess being sad is a part of life, but like this is better. Mind gets foggy sometimes tho. But exercise helps. I hope to get pull out of flatline very soon. Iām not quitting yet at all. Iām just getting started. Even tho Iām without any motivation now, I still mock that lust inside - come at me bro. Letās see what you got. Too bad, youāre out of my life now. Iām not the left out now. its you. Hahahaha.
My motivation is finished, but my monster still lives. I can do this all the time. I have a feeling that my flatline will be slow and painful. Iām sure tho, once I pull out, it will be worth. I have a bring a revolution. Starting with self is the best idea
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So here Iam again
Just like old times
I relapsed and I lost. I didnāt like it anyway. I didnāt like when I relapsed. Plus I had pain in my body. I didnāt like anything. The dopamine surge after helped a bit with the fear tho. I managed this exam. I have to go for 4 more. Thatās how itās gonna be. For the 1st time in months I listened to a lot of music. It felt good.
Now addressing the problem. Yeah Iām a loser. But I donāt like it. I somehow have killed the pattern that wanted to fap nonstop. But I still crave it. Maybe itās possible to become asexual after all. I have to take down my craving for women, for a mate. Just the way I took down this. I have to turn it into the craving for knowledge. For learning. For taking down things that are useless to me. Is it possible? Yes. How do I do it? I donāt know. Iām not giving up yet tho. Maybe thereās a way. Fear is my greatest enemy. Fear of unknown. Fear of uncertainty. It causes me to hesitate. It causes me to stop. But if you want to be tough, you shouldnāt really hesitate or stop. I wonder when will the monster be unleashed. When will I fall in love with suffering. When will this happen? I donāt know. I do know one thing tho. I have to fight. Even if Iām losing, even if Iām pathetic, even if Iām of no use. Thatās how you become unbreakable, when you refuse to back down. I canāt ever do it. I have to keep it on, every moment of my life.
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Day 2 - Honestly doesnāt feel like I can enjoy fapping anymore. My life is different. But I have to move ahead. Wonāt say much for now. Iām taking some rest today. Tomorrow Iāll start again. Waking up early, workout twice a day, and of course studying harder than ever. This is the only way to do it
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Keep on, mate. Waking up early and workout are the best ways to overcome addiction and depression, you have my support. Youāre doing great.
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I did it 
It felt awesome. This is so much like a drug.
I just need to adjust to this drug.
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Day 6
Done with two subjects, 3 more to go.
Messed up the 1st one, did great in 2nd.
Can say safely that I donāt need to worry about them anymore.
Now I got to focus on 3rd one. I remember when a teacher said to me that Iām a very good writer. That while reading the first answer she was so impressed with creative writings. But I didnāt solve all the paper and she was wondering what couldāve gone wrong with this student. She didnāt know my depression and anxiety that possibly brought limits to my performance. Whatever the reason couldāve been Iām just not making the same mistakes again.
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Day 9
Done with 4 subjects, 1 more to go
3rd and 4th subject were extremely difficult considering my situation. Got viral fever, will last for a week. Canāt even think of masturbating, will ruin my health even more. Someone told me that my fever is a withdrawal symptom for me shutting down my dopamine content. Well, I still have an extreme urge to watch YouTube and go into twitter but considering how I waste my time there Iām not gonna do it. Today I felt my craving for dopamine, during class. But I managed to focus. A river goes through rocks due to persistence and not strength. I just need to be the river. This is my day 2 of no YouTube - Twitter. Iāll keep it up.
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My plant is shedding leaves. Iām waiting for it to have its leaves back again. I imagine the moment it will grow its first leaf. Then there will be nothing stopping it. It is like my child, and Iām the father. I guess thatās how dads feel when their children grow up. The joy has no bounds
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Gosh
Had my first wet dream just now and then I woke up.
Although my balls donāt really hurt as they did when I relapsed. Had an erotic dream too. I was partly aware that Iām in a dream and something is not right. Although I ejaculated involuntarily, something tells me I couldāve controlled it and stopped it. Meh it doesnāt feel good. I hope this doesnāt happen again.
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Day 13.
Life was going good for a while, then shit happened.
My tree will most probably die. The root system will probably never adjust. Was trying to get help via counselling but that didnāt go well either. Got pushed to my emotional limits and there was no reward. Was in emotional turmoil. Wisdom tooth coming up, thus Iām unable to eat and it sucks because Iām hungry all the time and yet I have no desire to eat. I could feel my body getting numb and adrenaline kicking in for no reason.(normally I would like this but not this time. It is absurd). Add upset stomach along with it. Out of desperation I contact someone I shouldnāt. Canāt believe she still cares about me. It adds to the problem again - makes my hormones go absurd. I spend 12 hours being horny. The effect is gone in the evening. It kicks me again next day and Iām horny for hours again. Canāt really fap tho, it will make me feverish (gotta thank God for that, Iām just unable to fap no matter what). My sinus problem is back. And coughing all the day. I was sleeping all day, not doing any work. No productivity at all. Then brain fog and severe headache. Forget about being focused in class. I didnāt even take notes properly. Whew!! Last 3-4 days were rough. But today, I took medicine for my tooth. I exercised till I got dizzy and that did the trick. Little back on track again. Tomorrow morning Iāll do another full fledged workout. I got to come back to track. Only I can do that, no one can do it for myself. Thereās a possibility that Iāll fuck up again, get back to my easy way. But easy way doesnāt make me happy anymore. Yet I crave for it. I so easily slip back to it, no matter how much it hurts. Hard way is the only way to my happiness, yet Iām not able to do it effortlessly. I also need to cut my contact off with her. Wondering if she will get upset. I feel like I use her at times, yet she cares for me. She probably feels like that too. Anyway, got to go back to track. I canāt stay depressed like this.Tomorrow morning another round for workout, then again in the evening. Iāll also study hard. Gonna make a checklist
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Donāt be too difficult! Youāre enough and you deserve love and affection.
Do your best with your studies and your productivity. Step by step youāre building the future you, but you can only do it by accepting who you are today.
In You we trust brother!
I also need to cut my contact off with her.
Itās the first thing that you should have done!
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I probably donāt
What I want is to be able to push harder
Sincere thanks
Sheās not the one I broke up with, someone else.
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What I want is to be able to push harder
I know that you canāt believe this for the moment. But one day, youāll understand how bad what Iām telling you is important.
Sheās not the one I broke up with, someone else.
My mistake!
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Guess youāre right. Weāll see
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Day 17
Iāll make it to star league again, once I cross 18. Feeling good to do it. I wish I could do it to 100 days. This will be my goal for now. I have another challenge to face - my fear of studies. My trust/faith in self. I got to do it.
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Day 20
Flatline has come up
Iām annoyed so much by the lack of dopamine
Once I get natural with my studies again, Iāll be fine
This is the final stage of this journey, and the most difficult one. After I finish this, Iāll start a new one. But itās so irritating I canāt help it. Iām weak. But I have to keep myself here.
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Day 22
Learned an important lesson today
Keeping resentments doesnāt help
And certainly they donāt help you progress, rather they just weigh you down
I would admit that Iām not a perfect human, I do have resentments against people. However, itās time for me to let go of them. And that I donāt need to keep highlighting them anymore. Neither I need to think about anyone why he/she is like this. I just need to leave them out and move on. I need not to reflect onto them at times. None of that is worth it. This is probably my first step to achieve that āfocusā Iāve been always wanting. I can do this. My progress is slow, but Iām still in the game. Iām so happy to have learned this. Itās a liberating feeling. Itās not to look cool in front of everyone, to appear like a monk in front of everyone. It is for me. It is for my own mental health and peace. It is for me to grow as a human. Iām happy. I will act less on feelings and more rationally now.
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