I am not sure if this is more about “needing an advice” or “confession”. But please hear me out.
I was always loner, I did not like much socializing, because it is difficult for me. I had some realization, last year around may right after my cousins wedding. I wanted to be seen and be loved. I was confused from start, like where to begin or what to do. After some time I moved into another flat, started to workout and try to socialize more. Everything went very good, at least I thought so. I was pushing myself out, but I felt good overall. I am not sure if it was working out or socializing. After few months Covid came in our country at the beginig of this year. There was some sort of lockdown and I was stucked at home. Not in flat, but in my parents house, where I have some sort of blacksmithing/woodworking workshop and do my projects, which is ma hobby/passion, but I work as software developer. At may/june this year after first lockdown I started to be deppresed about my life and my lifechoices. I was wondered if it was missing of workout or lack of socializing or else, so I started to go back into work (it was allowed later) and I reached out one girl from “language cafe” sessions which I attended in past during my “social awakening”. Maybe I reached out for her because I am programmed by society to have relationship and everything around that and this will give me satisfaction. And I would like to share my life with someone else, besause it tiring me to be alone for everything, ups and downs. Everyone around me have family and friends, but I was always kind of alone and this started to eat me from inside. But back to the topic. I found her on FB and we chat a bit and after that we went out for three times and after that se asked me why I reached out. I was confused, becasue it was over FB, but she is a bit shy and very introverted (I figured that out later) but avyway I said what I wanted (relationship) and she said that she can only offer friendship, but as she is very intelligent and I like our conversations I agreed. We went out two more times and then I broke my knee, so I was again in “lockdown” regime :D. Now when I can go finally bact to work and possibly meet her (I would very like to, that she will be one who vill initiate meetup, as I was the one in past) we have second lockdown. And now I have, after a week in my parents house, depresed feeling again. And ! dont know what to do.
- I am still trying to lose weight and socialize but covid makes it very difficult, almost impossible
- I am waching some videos about nofap and loving yourself first, but it is difficult for me implement these stuff into my daily routine, like meditation
- I started to do nofap to be more confident, presend and get someone into my life (yes girlfriend, I know this is a bit shallow, but I am not on this mindset, YET hopefully). Now I am at my highest strike 12 days and trying to distract myself as much as I can. Before that it was like 5 days on average
- I am still visiting my parents house every weekend, because my dad passed 10 years ago and I somehow started to do all his jobs, like fixing stuff around house and more (as I as young man and son of my mother who raised me should do, at lest by my opinion)
- I really like my hobbies (woodworking and blacksmithing), but I have dificulties to imlement it when I am not in my parents house. I vile in rental flat 80km away with my mate (friends for 10 years or so).
- I tried to change my appearance a bit, so I went to barber
- Regarding this girl, I still have cruch on her and I like her very much, but the way she said that she can only offer friendship, makes me thinking if there could be something or should I move on. Maybe I voud, but becuse of covid and my knee, it was impossible to socialize and meet someone new so I am king of “stucked” with her. But I like convos with her. They are on another level, not like chit chat but deeper convos about random stuff and our (mostly her) hobies.
- I am happy if I can help people and I was thinking about volunteering, but with fixing stuff and so, as I am not much for socicializing and I like to work manually. Also I am not sure if I can handle that much socialization and I am scared that it can be akward, but here is a bit of lack of options and also covid
So I confessed almost everything, because I forgot some stuff definatelly and also thoughts is sometimes difficult to write down, as they are thoughts
If you have some notes, feedback or some advice, you are welcome. My main or maybe only question is how to figure out “how to love myself”? Ii it that important, I think it is, but I am quite happy with my life, I am not living bad life and yet, I still missing some piece, like I am incomplete even if I do what I like.
Also sory for typos, EN is my second language.