My last 18 months lifestyle change confession / advice seeking

Confession
1

Hi guys.

I am not sure if this is more about “needing an advice” or “confession”. But please hear me out.

I was always loner, I did not like much socializing, because it is difficult for me. I had some realization, last year around may right after my cousins wedding. I wanted to be seen and be loved. I was confused from start, like where to begin or what to do. After some time I moved into another flat, started to workout and try to socialize more. Everything went very good, at least I thought so. I was pushing myself out, but I felt good overall. I am not sure if it was working out or socializing. After few months Covid came in our country at the beginig of this year. There was some sort of lockdown and I was stucked at home. Not in flat, but in my parents house, where I have some sort of blacksmithing/woodworking workshop and do my projects, which is ma hobby/passion, but I work as software developer. At may/june this year after first lockdown I started to be deppresed about my life and my lifechoices. I was wondered if it was missing of workout or lack of socializing or else, so I started to go back into work (it was allowed later) and I reached out one girl from “language cafe” sessions which I attended in past during my “social awakening”. Maybe I reached out for her because I am programmed by society to have relationship and everything around that and this will give me satisfaction. And I would like to share my life with someone else, besause it tiring me to be alone for everything, ups and downs. Everyone around me have family and friends, but I was always kind of alone and this started to eat me from inside. But back to the topic. I found her on FB and we chat a bit and after that we went out for three times and after that se asked me why I reached out. I was confused, becasue it was over FB, but she is a bit shy and very introverted (I figured that out later) but avyway I said what I wanted (relationship) and she said that she can only offer friendship, but as she is very intelligent and I like our conversations I agreed. We went out two more times and then I broke my knee, so I was again in “lockdown” regime :D. Now when I can go finally bact to work and possibly meet her (I would very like to, that she will be one who vill initiate meetup, as I was the one in past) we have second lockdown. And now I have, after a week in my parents house, depresed feeling again. And ! dont know what to do.

Few notes:

  1. I am still trying to lose weight and socialize but covid makes it very difficult, almost impossible
  2. I am waching some videos about nofap and loving yourself first, but it is difficult for me implement these stuff into my daily routine, like meditation
  3. I started to do nofap to be more confident, presend and get someone into my life (yes girlfriend, I know this is a bit shallow, but I am not on this mindset, YET hopefully). Now I am at my highest strike 12 days and trying to distract myself as much as I can. Before that it was like 5 days on average
  4. I am still visiting my parents house every weekend, because my dad passed 10 years ago and I somehow started to do all his jobs, like fixing stuff around house and more (as I as young man and son of my mother who raised me should do, at lest by my opinion)
  5. I really like my hobbies (woodworking and blacksmithing), but I have dificulties to imlement it when I am not in my parents house. I vile in rental flat 80km away with my mate (friends for 10 years or so).
  6. I tried to change my appearance a bit, so I went to barber
  7. Regarding this girl, I still have cruch on her and I like her very much, but the way she said that she can only offer friendship, makes me thinking if there could be something or should I move on. Maybe I voud, but becuse of covid and my knee, it was impossible to socialize and meet someone new so I am king of “stucked” with her. But I like convos with her. They are on another level, not like chit chat but deeper convos about random stuff and our (mostly her) hobies.
  8. I am happy if I can help people and I was thinking about volunteering, but with fixing stuff and so, as I am not much for socicializing and I like to work manually. Also I am not sure if I can handle that much socialization and I am scared that it can be akward, but here is a bit of lack of options and also covid

So I confessed almost everything, because I forgot some stuff definatelly and also thoughts is sometimes difficult to write down, as they are thoughts :slight_smile:

If you have some notes, feedback or some advice, you are welcome. My main or maybe only question is how to figure out “how to love myself”? Ii it that important, I think it is, but I am quite happy with my life, I am not living bad life and yet, I still missing some piece, like I am incomplete even if I do what I like.

Also sory for typos, EN is my second language.

1 Like
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I have read everything you have said…
I am going to provide advice from a very analytical point of view

It seems you are an introvert trying to change your nature to an extrovert.
You are struggling with relationships as you are not sure about your place in the relationship.
As about your nofap streak, it seems you are making progress

My suggestion
My suggestion would be to do things as they come to you and not do something because of peer pressure
My advice would sound very open ended and not so practical, as I haven’t mentioned as to how to implement it… for that you have to take recourse to the following books mentioned:-
These books are available on libgen or Google very easily
Please don’t think that these books belong to a particular religion because they don’t …they are philosophical books meant for humankind as a whole

  1. Bhag govindam - adi sankaracharya
  2. Practice of brahmachrya - swami sivananda
  3. Bhagvad geeta
  4. Easypeasy way to give up masturbation

I wish you all the very best

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Thanks for advice.

I will look for these books and regarding to your reply. Well I have some friends, and I am not thinking that I am trying to be extrovert or dont know my place in relationships as I have some friends. I think that I am trying to find myself in this world, even if it means to be alone (without SO) and because of that I am a bit messy inside. 18 months ago my life was work/home/work/home/and so on and no social or any life, literaly dead inside. I am quite happy that I awaken myself, but now I am lost and I am thinking is it is not late for me (I am 29 and I know that it is silly to think that, but sometimes I cannot help myself to think that way)

Problem is that I am living in same circle of life. I have problems to go out, like for hiking or to the city by myself. I rather to go to my workshop and do something but on the other hand then I am missing some company as I am always alone with my thoughts and I am heavy overthinker.

I am starting to think that my answers are not consistent and I dont even know what I want from life so maybe that is why I am sitting on more chairs like my work/work in parents house/hobbies&social life. I think that I dont have my main ground or IDK how to describe that.

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Well I highly relate to that point
I myself am just 23 yr old, and since the past 7 months I am following the same routine of home/work/studies/work etc

To put it in easy words what I have understood from your story is you are searching for answers as to …Who am I? What is my purpose here? What is life? How should I live ? What are my duties? What is happiness ? And some existential crisis questions etc

The more practical reply is also mentioned in Bhagwad Gita and Bhaj Govindam along with the steps to implement it as well.

They speak that 'to find ones place in this world is not a question new as we humans are constantly plagued by this question day and night and the only correct answer is humans are a social animal and we spend our whole lives answering to the 2 basic instincts

  1. Self preservation - through sex and having ofsprings
  2. Trying to reduce our discomfort / fear / inner emptiness- through building fortress of money and comforts around us also termed as materialism/consumerism

But answering these instinct do not provide permanant solution it’s only temporary
However that doesn’t not mean we totally abandon these pursuits.

What is needed is ‘self realisation’ which can be achieved through daily (chitnan) thinking
, self restrospection (swadhyay) and (satsang) company of good people which will fill these voids and connect you to the ultimate consciousness that is brahman/ (god) or true happiness whatever you call it.

I hope I have answered and have understood your question more comprehensively this time

It is worth mentioning that Bhagvat Geeta the spiritual book of Sanatan Dharma is highly revered by Einstein, open heimer and many a great Western and eastern scientists, philosophers and world thinkers and the wisdom contained is unparalleled to anything else in this world.

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To be honest, you hit nail quite precisely :). I mean in past where I was happy I kind a found my purpose in helping my family and do my work/job and maybe because I saw this as my purpose in life I was happy. I did not need any more friends than these which I had/have and I did not need any SO (I fapped, but I did not need someone else in my life), but then I somehow “overeated” of this purpose and started to ask myself a bunch of questions and here I am now. I dont know if this make sence to you but from what I read from you and I understood from some videos/articles this make sence to me, or at least now, when I am thinking about that more and talking about that with someone.

Yestreday I created some kind of daily routine and I am trying to maintain it and it is consistent form basic hygiene, workout, reading/working on my hobies, writing diary and cleaning my life, like bookmarks in web browser and going through my TODO list and making progress. I think this could help me from start, because workout and clean “life” and room makes everything organised and mess makes everything more messy, if it is making sence.

I also tried to meditate to learn a bit more about myself, but I am strugling with “cleaning my head” and there is always something which comes on my mind. Maybe there is some other technique which can help me to think about myself and practice “self realisation and self retrospective” which you mentioned here:

And lastly, being in company of good people is a bit hard now, but I have few good friends/colleagues and family, so this should be enough for these Covid days :slight_smile:

I want to mantain this routine as long as I can to make it habit, but I am still figuring out some stuff, but mostly “self realisation and self retrospective”.

Anyway, thanks for all hints, notes, ideas and kindness. Hopefully I am making some progress with my routine, but it is still day one :D.

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This is a start in the right direction and yes it makes sense to me.[quote=“koaxicek, post:5, topic:38465”]
I also tried to meditate to learn a bit more about myself, but I am strugling with “cleaning my head” and there is always something which comes on my mind. Maybe there is some other technique which can help me to think about myself and practice “self realisation and self retrospective” which you mentioned here:
[/quote]

What I mentioned is not a technique but rather the whole procedure itself…but in a over-simplistic and crude form

The specific techniques to are :-

  1. Yoga - there are lot of type…my advice is to start with Surya namaskar and slowly move on to other asanas

  2. Journalling - writing your day down

  3. Meditation - different from yoga it includes pranayama, vipassana and other stuff. Suit your needs

  4. Exercise - yoga is not exercise …but people use it as one… here you can do weight lifting and other stuff …suit your needs

All of the above will give you clarity of mind and better health. They are incidental to your goal of self realisation and self introspection

It’s not necessary that good company can only come by physically meeting people so do find friends/ mentors / gurus / guide etc in books / rewire forum / internet (disclaimer : people could be fake) and other non traditional mediums

Blockquote
Lastly you can always be my pen buddy in case you need me, I would be happy to help you in this journey and you can count me a part of your satsang

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Hello again. After almost one week of practicing everything except Yoga (did not have option to go somewhere to try it) I have some questions for some points.

    • none

  2. I think I just need to write journal as some overview of my day or summary of it. Basically just to process the whole day and “let it go”? Is my thinking right?

  3. I tried apps for maditation and I still have troubles to “not think” and I am fading away. I wached today video where Russel Brandt explained Transcendental meditation and basically if you are fading away go back and concentrate to your mantra or breath. Which I immediatelly tried and it looks very suited for me. Last think here is how sould I observe my thoughts? I have very visual mind and I observe them as some kind of objects or entities around me and yes I also imagine myself in my mind. Is this ok or this count as “thinking”?

  4. I am switching workout/hobbies because I feel there be present and I need some time to rest after workout so that is why. I think this is ok and exercise is just some kind of catarsis, right?

Also I am a bit concerned about my lifestyle and that I like to wach eductional videos on youtube e.g. carpentry, metal working and so on as this is also my hobby so I like to observe and learn from experts and I am not sure if this is procrastination or not. I know that do huge change is not good and it is better to do it incrementally like read for 30 mins each day and meditate for 5 mins and afgter week increase that, but I am worried that I will be overtaken by “old habbits” and I will not increase meditation ar reading or any other stuff. Should I just push myself to do dhat, same way as I pushed to star exercising and now I really enjoy it? I mean do that as my daily goals, which is basically my “daily routine”.

Thanks for any advice.

bb1508 you have been very helpful so far :slight_smile:

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Yes, that correct… Journalling is a exercise in gratitude… you thank yourself and people around you etc. and also acts as a Motivation booster, you look back at it and know wow!! I have accomplished a lot… It also helps you in correcting your behaviour…if in case you fall back to old habits.

It a ATOMIC BOMB to say. It is Multi-purposive

Its fine… The purpose of meditation is not to stop making you think… but to rather accept yourself…accept your thoughts… A beautiful analogy would be “Your mind is like the vast blue sky and your thoughts are like the clouds…You just have to observe them fly and not hold on to them much”

Meditation is all about building relationship with your mind and body … Its all about CONNECTING

Switch if you feel like. Nothing is ethed in stone. Switching hobbies is a a great way to keep your creative fire alive

Its not procrastination unless it negatively interferes with your work… For eg - instead of actually working you just watch video…if so then its PROCRASTINATION

Its depends on your capability . You know yourself the best. Try to push yourself. If you fail, you will fail forward.

I am glad I have been helpful. Wishing you greater strength in your endeavours

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