My Journey to ∞

[assh]

How that feels by closing your eyes and imagining yourself to be somewhere else? Asking God, Do you have some magical power? Why don’t you apply to me? I am tired of my weakness. Some unknown person living with me for years now. My Mind does not differentiate between a real vs imaginary world. Certainly, I do not find a ray of light in the darkness. Wait. Wait.
This is not like how I wanted to tell you the story. It’s my life and I take full responsibility. No time to regret, blame either. So here I’m, thankful to this life, rewire community and the admin who made this possible. Today I thought to create a public diary of my journey where I will be writing and expressing my thoughts. You are most welcome to comment and share your journey along the way. I won’t be updating this diary daily but when I find time surely I’ll update.

Thank you for reading. Have a good rest of the day!

[assh]

09012021:
“Dad please do not disturb me, I am in a meeting” ME in a louder and annoying voice. (Interviewer listening to me)
Dad: Kept his phone for charging and waiting outside.
After 5 minutes, He is coming opposite to me and trying to clean with a sweeper. I hinted to him not to be around me. (He is not visible in my background but I am getting distracted)
Well, I was in an interview for 40 minutes of final technical discussion. Dad came home a bit worried because his covid19 test report was positive today. Dad is in complete isolation at my house. I failed to understand his situation and started screaming in the mid of the interview. The interview ended. Then I listened and took mom and myself for testing. Luckily our test reports are negative. Now my surroundings changing and my responsibilities becoming double. I felt “I am sorry Dad. Again this disobedient and selfish son fails to understand you” I did not say him though. Anyway, My plans for preparing interviews and other stuff just postponed to again some other day. (I could not track due to running out of time) From Monday again I need to get back to old work.
CS: 35 Urges:Low, under control.

10012021:
Now society near me making things more complicated just like we did a crime scene and hiding including the nurse. When she comes her driver make enough sound to know other people that she is verifying the patient health. I do not give them a shit, the only thing bothering me is my mom and her loose talks. I say to myself, I can handle it without knowing how. Well, life is not good but it’s okay. Next week going to be a tougher one.
CS: 36 Urges: Low, under control.
Good Day!

[_Motivation]

Focus on improving yourself, let go of urges completly.
Dissolve yourself completly in your infinity.

[assh]

Exactly. Thank you. One day I’ll make this happen. @_Motivation

[_Motivation]

Start from now, you got this.

[assh]

Yes. I have already started from last year.
Last mistake as below,

The more days pass, I am getting to know myself better. Hopefully at the end of this year, I can find a way out of this shit.

[assh]

12012021:
Life is going so fast that I can’t pause or rest for a while. Forget about fap. Well one good news, I cleared that day, interview.(Cgi India) It was second interview after long time. I started attending interview just last week. I got one. I am happy
Me and mom both are trying our best to take care of dad everyway. I messaged dad at 1am around that, we will fight with this. We are with you…Those messages made my dad’s day! Even i shared something I never said dad.
One more week.Just hold on. All will be okay,I keep on telling myself. Current work pressure at office is heavy (working for 11am-10pm) I feel like I am exhausted. I’ll take a week off by using my paid leaves. Not sure why I don’t do…i really don’t know whom i want to show that I’m strong.
#RandomThought
Beauty is looking at the responsible single mother who is taking care of her child all alone throughout the day and night. I bet for the child it’s the safest and heavenly place in this world to sleep. .

CS- 38
urges: Low, under control. Good Night!!

[assh]

15012021:
Sometimes I think I should cut some people in my life. For example a girl who is pretty,good looking, sweets in talking, fails to give me importance in her life. I never wanted to ping her daily or wishing good morning,good night either but you know, I still expect she to share with me like before ( she used to share with me her problems or a hapiness. I mean, Everything’s which a girl will never say to a guy unless going to marry. Anyways, We are not into any kind of relationship and we don’t have any attaraction on each other. We are just good friends. We both respect it) If I call and start the topic offcourse she will talk for hours. But I don’t want that. she does not read my each and every messages whenever i say something. Someday she will say I’ll read tomorrow others day only her side of the story. Well,Other side of the story,she might be thinking I never give attention to her. I think, instead of pinging her now, i am putting my thoughts here
Good thing, my dad is recovering gradually. Last week was tougher than I expected. I stopped meditating, developing apps, organizing my things. Even I am thinking to cutt down my few dreams. Now not getting interested to attend interviews. many things I am getting to know such as Infront of death nothing matters. For instance money, job, education, age, intelligence, religion, and so on. You just name it… a virus never sees who is what and what he or she does.
Unlike others my time also will come one day and it will end. So before ending, I need to prioritize the things which matter to me. Otherwise anyhow it will end either with poverty or a wealthy life. Can’t ask God for an easier life though. I hope someday, life will come to normal soon.
One quat.my mind reminded me

Cs:41
urges: Medium

[assh]

16012021:
Getting bored of everything
Hightime to look at myself.
Urges: High
Cs:42

[Dean_Ambrose]

It’s flatline , stay strong …

[assh]

@Dean_Ambrose Thank you my friend. I am staying away from my phone. I went for a long walk(08km). Now urges: low

[assh]

@assh

16012021:

17012021:[Mood Swing stage1]
Today I am feeling like, I am living in a fake world where all have their own set of rules and fu* ing perfection. Everyone showing off and stubborn towards their mindset which may or may not be good for others. Even to my mom, I shouted and said
“In case something happens to me in the future then give me outside food which is not good for my health but I insist you give me. Because that will give me satisfaction. It’s just a kind suggestion. Do not mind.”
I just could not control my tongue. Sometimes I just wonder why someone can never want to understand how much I try my best to help to reduce their effort. Bringing food from outside once in 2/3 weeks is not good? I am not going to some fast food. Just a good restaurant nearby. I just want her works to reduce a little bit so that she can take the rest of the day. She is also suffering from some health-related issue. Dad already taking a rest due to corona.But no she will prepare food which has a lot of effort without a taste. I crossed my limit and I see I can never change my mom. Only thing regretting I could have kept quiet and eat as always and then sleep.
Even I am becoming the fake one. Have a look at this text conversation. She is the one who has already ignored my messages earlier. (Not once, whatever I say she will just say nice, sometimes without reading my messages)

Inside my mind it said, You are a terrible liar. Whatever I say temporarily you’ll feel good and you will do whichever you like.Who the f* ck I am?
CS:43 Urgues: Low