My Journey to ∞ [@Assh_28_M]

[assh]

How that feels by closing your eyes and imagining yourself to be somewhere else? Asking God, Do you have some magical power? Why don’t you apply to me? I am tired of my weakness. Some unknown person living with me for years now. My Mind does not differentiate between a real vs imaginary world. Certainly, I do not find a ray of light in the darkness. Wait. Wait.
This is not like how I wanted to tell you the story. It’s my life and I take full responsibility. No time to regret, blame either. So here I’m, thankful to this life, rewire community and the admin who made this possible. In case if you’re wondering when this infinite end. Well, my friend when I get my sole partner and do not look back on PMO. Today I thought to create a public diary of my journey where I will be writing and expressing my thoughts. You are most welcome to comment and share your journey along the way. I won’t be updating this diary daily but when I find time surely I’ll update.

Thank you for reading. Have a good rest of the day!

[assh]

09012021:
“Dad please do not disturb me, I am in a meeting” ME in a louder and annoying voice. (Interviewer listening to me)
Dad: Kept his phone for charging and waiting outside.
After 5 minutes, He is coming opposite to me and trying to clean with a sweeper. I hinted to him not to be around me. (He is not visible in my background but I am getting distracted)
Well, I was in an interview for 40 minutes of final technical discussion. Dad came home a bit worried because his covid19 test report was positive today. Dad is in complete isolation at my house. I failed to understand his situation and started screaming in the mid of the interview. The interview ended. Then I listened and took mom and myself for testing. Luckily our test reports are negative. Now my surroundings changing and my responsibilities becoming double. I felt “I am sorry Dad. Again this disobedient and selfish son fails to understand you” I did not say him though. Anyway, My plans for preparing interviews and other stuff just postponed to again some other day. (I could not track due to running out of time) From Monday again I need to get back to old work.
CS: 35 Urges:Low, under control.

10012021:
Now society near me making things more complicated just like we did a crime scene and hiding including the nurse. When she comes her driver make enough sound to know other people that she is verifying the patient health. I do not give them a shit, the only thing bothering me is my mom and her loose talks. I say to myself, I can handle it without knowing how. Well, life is not good but it’s okay. Next week going to be a tougher one.
CS: 36 Urges: Low, under control.
Good Day!

[_Motivation]

Focus on improving yourself, let go of urges completly.
Dissolve yourself completly in your infinity.

[assh]

Exactly. Thank you. One day I’ll make this happen. @_Motivation

[_Motivation]

Start from now, you got this.

[assh]

Yes. I have already started from last year.
Last mistake as below,

The more days pass, I am getting to know myself better. Hopefully at the end of this year, I can find a way out of this shit.

[assh]

15012021:
Sometimes I think I should cut some people in my life. For example a girl who is pretty,good looking, sweets in talking, fails to give me importance in her life. I never wanted to ping her daily or wishing good morning,good night either but you know, I still expect she to share with me like before ( she used to share with me her problems or a hapiness. I mean, Everything’s which a girl will never say to a guy unless going to marry. Anyways, We are not into any kind of relationship and we don’t have any attaraction on each other. We are just good friends. We both respect it) If I call and start the topic offcourse she will talk for hours. But I don’t want that. she does not read my each and every messages whenever i say something. Someday she will say I’ll read tomorrow others day only her side of the story. Well,Other side of the story,she might be thinking I never give attention to her. I think, instead of pinging her now, i am putting my thoughts here
Good thing, my dad is recovering gradually. Last week was tougher than I expected. I stopped meditating, developing apps, organizing my things. Even I am thinking to cutt down my few dreams. Now not getting interested to attend interviews. many things I am getting to know such as Infront of death nothing matters. For instance money, job, education, age, intelligence, religion, and so on. You just name it… a virus never sees who is what and what he or she does.
Unlike others my time also will come one day and it will end. So before ending, I need to prioritize the things which matter to me. Otherwise anyhow it will end either with poverty or a wealthy life. Can’t ask God for an easier life though. I hope someday, life will come to normal soon.
One quat.my mind reminded me

Cs:41
urges: Medium

[assh]

16012021:
Getting bored of everything
Hightime to look at myself.
Urges: High
Cs:42

[Dean_Ambrose]

It’s flatline , stay strong …

[assh]

@Dean_Ambrose Thank you my friend. I am staying away from my phone. I went for a long walk(08km). Now urges: low

[assh]

@assh

16012021:

17012021:[Mood Swing stage1]
Today I am feeling like, I am living in a fake world where all have their own set of rules and fu* ing perfection. Everyone showing off and stubborn towards their mindset which may or may not be good for others. Even to my mom, I shouted and said
“In case something happens to me in the future then give me outside food which is not good for my health but I insist you give me. Because that will give me satisfaction. It’s just a kind suggestion. Do not mind.”
I just could not control my tongue. Sometimes I just wonder why someone can never want to understand how much I try my best to help to reduce their effort. Bringing food from outside once in 2/3 weeks is not good? I am not going to some fast food. Just a good restaurant nearby. I just want her works to reduce a little bit so that she can take the rest of the day. She is also suffering from some health-related issue. Dad already taking a rest due to corona.But no she will prepare food which has a lot of effort without a taste. I crossed my limit and I see I can never change my mom. Only thing regretting I could have kept quiet and eat as always and then sleep.
Even I am becoming the fake one. Have a look at this text conversation. She is the one who has already ignored my messages earlier. (Not once, whatever I say she will just say nice, sometimes without reading my messages)

Inside my mind it said, You are a terrible liar. Whatever I say temporarily you’ll feel good and you will do whichever you like.Who the f* ck I am?
CS:43 Urgues: Low

[assh]

@assh

17012021:[Mood Swing stage1]

23012021:
One good news, my dad discharged from isolations(out from corona). Now he can stay along with us. Everything around me gradually recovering.
Firstly, Mom: I do not want to change her the way she is. Because I come from her world.Not the other way around. When I am getting to know myself more, I am looking at different perspectives on everything. But that’s okay,I should not be so hard on her. She is doing the best she can do for the family. I should understand and compromise the things which I can’t change. Especially when someone has their own view on something.
Regarding the lady who used to wish me every morning and night for no reason,I said to her that I do not like if someone pretends to like me. If she has time and interest in something just ping me/call me but not to pretend. I said this as well, earlier she has ignored many messages which were means a lot to me. If she does the same thing then I will make sure I won’t bother her much.

I made the above line corrected this line by not losing anyone ruining either.
CS:49 Urgues: Low

[Tagore]

Bro, if she doesn’t care much about your messages then why are you talking to her?
I think, she is not your wife, not your gf then why do you want to waste so much time?. Invest in yourself. That is the most important thing. Do you love her? Are you planning to date her?

[assh]

hehe…not really she is just a normal office colleague. I don’t spend time with her not investing my time. Some other days she used to be so close and pretending.now we both stopped. all normal.

[Tagore]

Your way of writing this diary is great. Keep going bro, keep improving; stop focusing on girls and all. This is the time for you to become your best self.
Girls will follow you once you become successful.
I pray to God that your father becomes alright soon. Also, do meditation, exercise etc daily. You are born for greatness bro.

[assh]

Thank you brother. that made my day. You know what, earlier when someone close to me ignored me continuesly (like the girl) I used to ruin the entire conversation without giving a shit of their problems and priorities. Then after I feel sad for myself being rude to someone which was not intended. We all are struggling from something and some other day, we feel connected with some people in our life. Now removing is very easy but holding a good friendship takes hell lot of time. Now she won’t message me gm,gn and me either. If she needed something she will ping me. applies same for me. I am okay with it anyways. I think dating someone is not written in my life Next is only arrange marriage

[assh]

24012021:
Hands already shivering. My heart is beating out of control. All 10 Indriyas about to freeze. Primarily Visuals getting blurred and a single beep sound on the ears. Sun rays already hurting my body. Without doing anything, I just made my phone into silent mode since it was playing something and all others were talking to me today. I went to the nearest room and sit for some time. I gently close my eyes for a while. I drank water after that. After a long time, I could see my maximum potential. After that, I usually go into a different dimension. (I can’t explain since this body and mind won’t support it) When I do something beyond my potential then my body does not support it. I get this sensation very rarely. You might be wondering, why are you explaining here rather than going to a doctor for a checkup? Well this PMO made this to me unknowingly (Inside body) I am fit and healthy. Now, nothing to be worried about my health. (Even If I go for a checkup, doctors won’t find any issues in my body except some pills for vitamin tablets) The first time, I got this when I was in school level district parade where I have to stand for 5 hours continuously in the sunshine after the march. I fainted at the time. (yr2008) Then probably 2/3 time from last10yrs when things were unhandled (But never fainted.I stop every activity and come out of it) From the last three years, I never faced this sensation though. Possibly less intake of water yesterday and I was feeling a bit weak due to cold. Surely things will change if I say NO to PMO
Well, My First checkpoint. #HalfCentury
I am happy that I could reach. From now, I need to be very careful of my thoughts. During this flat line, I can go wrong. The next 50 Days journey will be hard for me. Last year on the 55th day due to over-confidence I did the mistake. Can’t do the same mistake ever. Thanks to everyone who helped me during the last 50days including the creation of this application.
CS: 50

[Dean_Ambrose]

Congratulations

50

[assh]

@Dean_Ambrose Thank you for being there throughout the journey. Indeed that made me stronger on each stage. I will try my level best not to disappoint.

[nofapstar123]

okay so today i found your diary

congraats bro on reaching 57 days