I don’t think it’s a good idea to share such a shameful addiction to ur parents or partner. This will only weaken the bond. Imagine ur dad or gf saying that I watch p0rn and masterbate…will u feel good about them ?
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Yeah good point, it also shows that no one can ever truly know me, the real me down to my core, except my Creator. So i need to work on my relationship with Him and open up more to Him
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I was crazy enough to make that confession…and i can tell you that it has made my relationship with my wife even more intimate. I was feeling like i had to share it because if i didnt, i was feeling like i was alone and very lonely.i was not letting in the one person i nees the most. Tact is absolutely the most important thing when it comes to sharing…if you dont say the right words, it can be horrible. But if you dont confess, it means yoh can never truly be known by your partner…this battle is a big part of anybodys life, its not something to yndertake alone.
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Glad it worked for u dude. I was talking about the most likely scenerio.
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While i agree that the negative is the more likely scenario, but i also believe that its a risk worth taking. I think even if it goes the other way, your partner knows you better…thats always a win
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It’s definitely something to consider. Each individual knows their partner best and knows what might work
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Day 17:
A lot has been going on in my head recently and I think it’s partially to do with the fever and partially to do with my mind clearing up.
I have had some interesting ideas come to me and have been writing about them which shows my mind is activated
Yesterday I went for a quick jog in the woods and did a small workout there, then played football in the park with some friends. I’m definitely feeling healthier now than the last year or so. My family and others have commented that I am losing weight and look healthier. I am already skinny but was starting to get a little round in the hips. Happy to be losing it all again.
I have some serious DOMS from the gym as I have been working quite intensely and the fever compounded this so it was hurting to even move today. I tried to get things done this morning but was exhausted by lunch then ended up sleeping all afternoon. Not much I could do as I have been unwell.
Often when I am sick I end up relapsing when I get better, I just need to make a note of this so I can fight it. I feel like peaking at the moment and the urges are strongest they’ve been all week. They are not super strong but in the past this would have been enough to trigger a relapse. What is good is that I am not getting memories of actresses or scenes come to my mind very often or very vividly. It is more just the desire to relapse to release the pressure of working hard to fight this, idek. EIther way I am not giving in.
I watched way too many Youtube shorts yesterday and lost so much motivation. Again I think this was the fever but I should have fought it. I think after a 2 week ish streak last time the desires came strong. I haven’t got to that stage yet but I need to be careful not to overdo the dopamine.
I just want to peak for the sake of peaking. I don’t even want to watch p i just want to look at a woman. This is a common trope of my brain, it tricks me like this and then I end up pmoing again. So I just need to remind myself not to succumb.
I had a p dream but cant remember it. I also dreamt that I was testifying against offenders and then they came to fight me. I told them that I knew I would lose because I am outnumbered but I would not back down from what is right. I then fought them and was successful. I think there is a meaning in there for me (no need to look for it on my behalf I have thought about it)
Today was just sleeping really, couldnt concentrate on anything else.
Day 17 Tasks (didn’t get much done as I have been ill):
Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night) 
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day)
Make my bed (makes a massive difference)
Quick workout 
Gym workout
Cold shower
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation
Review old memorisation of scripture (1/2 chapter)
New memorisation of scripture
Prayers in congregation 0/5
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I peaked last night but didn’t relapse
This is the first time i peaked without relapsing. I should never peak and will never peak again but I can say that i didn’t relapse
It’s a disgusting and terrible thing i did and i shouldn’t downplay it. I need to be stronger. My excuse was that i was ill but that’s not an excuse.
I didn’t even really enjoy it
It’s like my self has been split, the natural part of me has been renurtured and is finding these actions grotesque and telling me no. But the warped part of me needs these pmo bursts to survive. I have to kill that part of me, but killing is a difficult journey and everything inside me will be fighting to keep ‘me’ alive. I have to fight even myself to ensure that part of me will die
What led to it:
Being ill so doing nothing all day
Watching too many shorts the last few days
Feeling sorry for myself for no reason
Feeling sad and lonely
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It’s a really big thing, in both positive and negative way. But if u do not forgive yourself for this, you are gonna relapse for sure. So be gentle and respectful to yourself and move on
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It’s not a big deal peeking is a death sentence. Learn to forgive and forget about this thing.
Peeking is worse , learn to avoid as much as you can I lost many big streaks due to peeking.
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Peaking got me relapsed last time. You should be very careful right now. Because bad thoughts appear more frequently after that.
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You’re all right, I need to be extra careful at the moment until the effects post peak wear off. I’ve basically just put myself in the firing line for no reason
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Quote from john locke, on liberty, 1859:
Yet desires and impulses are as much a part of a perfect human being as beliefs and restraints; and strong impulses are only perilous when not properly balanced
Thoughts?
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I understand you, and you are not alone. Keep strong, the positive thing is you could control it!
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Day 19:
I thought I was free from fever but it’s come back. This means I won’t get much done today
It also means I’ll have less control over my desires. I peeked a few days ago so my only goal for today is not to peek at anything. @Christ-is-king reminded me that flexibility is important. My goals have adjusted and I’m just going to read a bit, memorise a little and fight any urges. That’s all for today
I feel especially lonely when ill. I think it has something to do with childhood but I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s nothing to do with that and illness is a reminder of the resounding truth, that there is no one to help me except God. Until I turn to him as a companion I’ll never be free of this empty feeling.
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Stay strong brother!! Being sick is definitely when I’m most vulnerable to satans attacks
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I saw an attractive woman in a short dress on a show my family was watching. I looked at her for too long and felt that start of euphoria, it’s a really addictive feeling and it’s not sexual. It’s that teenage romance feeling.
The problem is that it’s fleeting and leaves me feeling lonely and empty and sad once it goes, and it can’t last because there’s nothing I can do to get more of it. Then i end up in pmo to deal with it. That’s normally what happens anyway
It’s always with people I can’t have or don’t think i can have. As soon as I can tell they are interested im not really interested
I was about to look up the show on my phone so I could look at her ‘out of curiousity’. As I opened the incognito tab i began to type in the name of the show, I realised what i was doing (God showed me what i was doing) and i closed it before doing pressing search, thank God.
I think deciding to post it on here helped to stop me spiralling.
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Day 20:
First thing, I actually uploaded a proper profile picture! I saw a green J profile pic and it was someone else so figured it was time to set my own custom picture.
I realised today that I was in a sad mood, and the only reason I can find is feeling ill. I’m better today but still not well, and it’s affecting my mood. It’s so interesting how these things affect everything about us.
I’m more aware of this at the moment, i know my body is weak which means my control is weaker. This means I want to rest and take it easy, which means just going into habits. But my habit is p and oogling over women. Shows me what the real me still is. It will take a while until the me deep down changes.
So my fight until this over is preventing the relapse. I feel exhausted though.
I’m hoping that when I feel better it will mean that everything just feels easier. Again no tasks at the moment because I’m struggling to do anything yet. But I’m not binging or anything.
Basically just sleeping, doing a bit of work, reading, repeat every couple hours. Make the most of the rest I guess.
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Day 21:
Another day of low motivation, tiredness, illness. I’m bouncing between frustration and acceptance. I know i shouldn’t be frustrated because this is from God, it’s just hard not to be. I guess that’s part of the test.
I even tried to go the gym today but left without really doing anything as I physically couldn’t.
I think part of the low motivation is reaping the consequences of my weak will the last few days. Peeking, looking at women inappropriately, allowing my mind to wander, obsessing.
Obsessing is the scariest of the lot, it really obfuscates every fiber of my being and I get lost in my desires even if I don’t actually do anything like p or m or o. It’s the most extreme sensual experience devoid of spirituality in every way. They can’t combine. Spiritually I was climbing but all this has meant I had fallen. Well no more.
All the things I was fighting. I haven’t relapsed but I had regressed slightly. Today I will not allow this to happen. The illness will not be my excuse. I have to fight even when it’s hard,that’s the only way it will get better.
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Day 22:
I’m traveling at the moment to meet family. It was a nice day and some nice discussions. I felt like I’ve travelled for good reasons and tried to be more conscious of what I’m doing.
Still I’ve not done well at averting my gaze. Multiple times I’ve caught myself looking at women today. It’s been a big problem. Tomorrow, I’m not going to look at a single women in that way. I’m not interested and I’ll fight it, i won’t feed it.
I’ll still be travelling the next 2 days which is part of the problem. When i travel I seem to fall into a similar problem to when I’m ill. Emotionally I feel empty when I get back. Also when I’m traveling i feel like i have less control. It feels good to document this so i can be more conscious about it, hopefully figure out why and do something about it.
Feeling super tired now so going to get some sleep
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