I have been putting my random thoughts all over the forum in random places, wasn’t sure if I was breaking the rules then i found the write place to journal.
I just need a place to open up and be truthful. Where i can say i am an addict and i need help. No one in my life knows and i dont think I’d ever be able to tell them.
Currently 13 day streak but I’m planning on being intimate with my wife tomorrow. We are both fasting at the moment so i could go longer without it but i think it might be good to work on a proper sexual outlet.
But i heard of the chaser effect on here and now im worried.
Just hit 14 days according to my timer.
I was with a client this morning, and as i was sat there i noticed the trees outside. I also noticed the sun shining on the leaves, the leaves dancing in the wind, the birds in the sky and the birds in the trees. I noticed a Robin and i think it was a reed bunting (trying to learn more about nature at the moment). But this experience wasn’t forced it just came about naturally.
I used to do this a lot more in the past, i think the corruption of the mind through p has blocked my connection to nature. I hope there’s more of this to come and I’m grateful to have been given this reminder.
I was more attentive to my wife when we spoke on the phone, she is an amazing person and I’m so blessed to have her. I just don’t appreciate her enough. I’m going to tell her i love her when i see her, not just words we always say it to each other. I’m going to tell her with meaning
To be honest i don’t appreciate anyone enough and i need to be more aware of this fact.
I had a memory trigger the other day and it got me aroused. Now when i think of that same trigger i feel nothing, i hope it’s a good thing
Depends upon in what sort of addiction he got addicted too. I was actually reading some confessions related to married couples on reddit. I guess the addiction is so much crippling that’s why it’s difficult to get over it.
But it’s possible to get out through reducing step by step.
“Only know you love her when you let her go…
And you let her go.”
Don’t let her go.
And also I appreciate your hidden love for nature. You shouldn’t ignore that love. Nature is calling you.
And also we shouldn’t debate about James’s problem. The important thing is he recognized his problem and is trying to solve it. What we should do is support him.
I don’t mind them discussing because it’s helpful to hear from someone on the other side
The unmarried people probably think marriage will solve it all, and that’s what i thought.
But p is not sex and sex is not p. Once you have marital relations it doesn’t fix your addiction. Another layer is start time for me.
I started as a teen and it ended up becoming a coping mechanism for me. Whenever i became stressed i would go into p to cope. Now whenever i am stressed, my natural behaviors kick in and the next thing i know I’m sat there in the middle of the night hating myself after relapsing.
Another factor is my circumstance
My wife and i are both students so she’s often away studying. I am not with her throughout the week. I’m not using that as an excuse but just trying to help you understand the factors, so you know why marriage may not solve this problem for those of you that think it will.
Fix it now and don’t wait for marriage. If you wait you’ll be like all the rest of us on this forum talking about how our relationships have been affected by this and how terrible we feel
Hey it’s awesome that you are fighting this evil and aware of your mistakes. I’m married so I know where you are coming from. When I first got married it helped a lot but p slowly came back into my life. Being married changed my circumstances so there was not as much time to watch p but it isn’t a magical solution. Your will power and mind set still have to change and that is something you have to do regardless if you are single or married. I know you can beat this thing and I am rooting for you.
Had a few p dreams
I can’t remember the first one but the second one was defo about p. I hate these dreams because they show how warped my mind has come.
I also got some sad news yesterday. More of a 21st century problem but i was waiting to hear back about a job and i was rejected. My next 3 years were planned around this role starting in September so now I have to reset my life plans. When I got the news my heart was beating quite fast and I probably would have fallen into p.
Managed to hold on though.
Got to spend the next month or so figuring out what to do.
Ive also realized that when people ask me how I am, i usually just say fine. But when i give more details i take so long to respond and it’s not the most coherent reponse… i often end up contradicting myself. I think i spend so long in robotic habit that i dont actually know how i ever feel.
Then when I do try to think about how I feel it ends up coming out as primordial goop. Need to spend more time thinking about my feelings
I’m feeling a flurry of emotions at the moment.
it’s like I was emotionally withdrawn and now I’m freeing myself I’m just getting upset with things more easily.
I am taking it as a positive as this is how I probably should feel my emotions and I’ve just got to work on dealing with the feelings.
another positive is that the positive emotions are a lot stronger. I just need to be careful because whenever I get that emotional high the ‘come down’ is depressing and in the past it’s led to pmo
My next step is to try and build in a consistent daily routine and stay on top of my daily tasks. There are so many things I’m behind on.
Sleeping consistently and waking consistently will make a big difference.
I’ve cut out social media
Except whatsapp and telegram but i only use them sparingly. On YouTube I’ll only watch things that are educational.
I need to contact my extended family more often also.
I went out to an event yesterday evening and i was fine when i was there but when i came back i was super down. I think it’s got to do with the social element. Too many people and too many interactions. The isolation afterwards just hits harder
A couple things to add,
I woke up late today. Think it was the down i was feeling last night broke me this morning.
But once i was up i tried to turn it into a good day.
I made a plan of action for today and tomorrow
I spent some time playing with my little brothers, then I did a workout while fasting, i had a cold shower, first time in years (inspired by @Christ-is-king ) then tidied up and hoovered.
I put on a suit (didn’t go anywhere, just to get into a nice mood)
Gave my wife a massage and told her i love her
Then i just spent the last 3 hours doing some work that I’ve been delaying
Love hearing this from someone that isn’t myself. It’s just great to have others that I can connect with, people that express thoughts i would express if i knew how to
Just saw an inappropriate youtube ad but I looked away immediately and blocked it.
I didn’t do anything wrong, but i know it could have been a bad end.
Needed to just acknowledge that this is usually a trigger for me. Good to have a place where I can share these things when they happen, helps keep me accountable.
This type of reflection is also restructuring my thoughts and reminding me that someone is watching what I do:
God is not unaware of my actions and I have often ignored that when falling into pmo. When you spend long enough hiding this fact from yourself at night, you struggle to connect with Him during the day
Things are definitely changing for me. journaling is a good way to reflect and be grateful for these changes.
I went on YouTube with my wife yesterday and we watched something for a bit of fun. It wasn’t explicit so there was no issue, but next thing I know I have watched about 5 videos by this morning and a few shorts. Wasted too much time and ended up seeing women inappropriately, but I caught this and stopped it. I still felt aroused as a result and I just needed to share that; it wasn’t okay. I just need to be careful about the slippery slope that I end up falling into when on social media.
I went to a retail store today and the images and females were quite stimulating. I did well to avert my eyes. 2 good things to note from that:
I am able to avert my eyes and was conscious of the fact that I should, I didn’t stare at anyone.
I feel like my sensitivity to stimuli is increasing. I hope this is a case of my brain resetting. The only problem is that
( My definition of inappropriate is anything that could spark arousal, and just about everything sparks arousal tbh. Definitely anyone wearing tight clothing would be inappropriate. )
I’m going to start documenting the following (for now just a few things) :
Make my bed (makes a massive difference)
Cold shower
Quick workout (will get longer once I stop fasting)
Sleep without going on phone at night (will see tonight)
I think I am going to start a rule: No phone allowed in the bedroom
I think I’ve just caught myself in the chaser effect for the first time. I’ve obviously been in this place before but never realised
I joined this app about 5 days ago when i was experiencing intense cravings and needed help. The cravings subsided and i felt in control. Then i had intercourse on Saturday night.
I remember posting about feeling low that evening and thought it was because I went out in the evening. I think part of it was the post o without p or m.
Then I started having cravings again, yesterday but especially today. Memories of p came back and the urge to look was in the back of my mind. It’s still there now but typing about it is helping. I wonder how long this effect lasts, I’m hoping it’s just a day or two. I also hope that over time it doesn’t trigger a desire to look at p
This craving isn’t as intense as the last one I had but it’s still making things difficult. Just need to stay vigilant and strong.
If anyone sees this I’d appreciate some words of encouragement
I think some meditation will help u. Sit straight, close ur eyes, take deep breaths and talk to urself. Is watching p0rn gonna be really worth it ? Can’t I live without it ? Why I started this journey if I goes back to p0rn ?
Also being hydrated is gonna help.
One last thing, don’t think about how good p0rn is gonna feel, think of how bad u will feel after relapsing. Good luck
