I suggest to set small targets chaser effect is worse i experienced losing my 65 Days of Streak last year. From God’s grace and hardwork I’m in Day 44 now.
It’s epic test of patience and understanding. Learn to achieve small targets. It’s hard time and shall pass
The only words that motivate me are the word I tell myself. No one knows you better than yourself. You know what to do and you know why your doing this. So speak to that part of you yourself because we can’t possibly reach you there. Only the righteous part of you can control your demon.
@Lord_Inosuke @robinbe_friend @Covertxomic
Thanks to you all of the advice. It’s really made a difference. Just about to go to bed so I’m going to leave my phone away from the bedroom and hopefully i should wake up feeling better
18 days.
Last night was a little tricky so I did ask for help from the community here and it definitely helped. I haven’t had any urges today so far. I managed to keep off my phone in bed at night, ignoring the midday nap where I was on my phone for about 5 minutes in bed.
I had a dream about relapsing and was pretty close to getting caught in the dream. I think that’s my guilt shining through. As I move further away from the addiction, it may be that I’ll begin to experience guilt as I truly should.
Instead of going on my phone last night I read a book: Dopamine Nation
It was really quite insightful and very helpful. I started it a few days ago and finished it this morning. I would definitely recommended reading, it has some nice anecdotes. I might post some things I found beneficial from it a bit later
I went to see my grandma yesterday and sat with her for a few hours. I am going to call my dad and aunty today - get back to making these connections. The P just sucked out my motivation and desire to connect. Everything was robotic. Definitely in a better place.
I am generally feeling more motivated at the moment, which is good to feel.
I really didn’t want to have a cold shower or exercise today, but I thought a bit is better than nothing. so I did a few pressups and had a cold shower. Was happy with this.
I want to wake up earlier but I don’t think I am ready for this step yet (I really love sleeping). I think I will go for a walk today later on, not for very long but at least for 20 minutes.
A little urge but weaker tonight. Going to bed in a few minutes and will keep off my phone in bed so I should be fine, God willing.
I had a dream, not a p one but maybe even worse than that.
A dream about a person that is not mine to dream about. I can’t control my dreams but the problem is I let it linger in my mind when I should have cut it off immediately. It set off a difficult chain reaction which I’m going to struggle to curb in for the rest of the day.
I already knew this wasn’t okay but now i know this is also a trigger for me. A different category of trigger pulling on a different urge, less arousal and more teenage infatuation. That was probably my first reason to use when i was younger, to escape the pains of obsession over someone you can’t have.
Maybe my mind is pulling on this more primeval urge because the more explicit p urges were not working. I gave in to the thoughts momentarily, not p but desire.
Next time I’ll be ready and I’ll cut it off at the stem. It’s a learning process
Day 19:
Based on my previous post I am going to split my urges into 2.
I will develop and edit these categories as the days progress.
I had a tertiary urge this morning and I let it linger for too long. I also had a couple of secondary urges just when seeing people pass by. I was watching videos related to dealing with urges and am trying to practice riding the wave. I practiced this earlier on after a secondary urge and it seemed to work. Haven’t managed to do this with a primary urge yet.
My car broke down between meetings (got a flat) and I was in the middle of a village without many amenities. It took me 3 hours to resolve because my wheel bolts were on too tight and I couldn’t get them off.
Instead of pretending I was fine (a kind of pretend patience), I acknowledged that I was upset and frustrated but then tried to look for some benefits:
Daily tasks:
Took a nap earlier and I had some p memories come to be. Certain actresses and scenes or scenarios are like an anchor that drive me down. My brain likes them over others and they are the ones that seem to be coming to me. It’s interesting to find out what they are because even i myself am not aware of them.
So far each one that has come in the last week has not come back, even when i think of them again they don’t have the same effect, mostly negligent. But when they come for the first time they come with full force. That first battle is the hardest. I had one come earlier and 2 off the back of the first, i probably lingered on them for too long and didn’t exactly ride the wave.
I know i secretly like it when the thoughts come, and sometimes i want them to come. It’s like a peek from my own memories. I need to get stricter at regulating them, happy for them to come as I’ll never be free of urges but I can’t amplify them. That’s when I’m falling short.
If anything comes tonight it will be my chance to practice the ride of the wave
Day 20:
Last night, I felt like I had the urge to have urges (is this a quaternary urge), but didn’t have any actual urges. It gets lonely I guess.
I had a dream about p again, which is just an upsetting reality. I have warped my natural desire so that when I dream about s** I am mostly dreaming about watching others, which makes me feel a little disgusted with myself. I have naturalised voyeurism for myself. Hopefully I can reset this over time.
But a nice outcome is that I had a vivid normal dream after a long time. It was something to do with playing sport. I think it started out as some type of ultimate frisbee (which I have never played; I think that’s more an American sport), then football (soccer) then rugby. It was nice to just let my imagination run its course.
No other urges since the morning though, but my motivation is not strong (I think part of that is to do with fasting though). I have a week off next week so will feel less drained from work.
I was rejected from a job offer at about 4am when I got up to start fasting, which made me upset. I didn’t check the email at first but I was just feeling anxious and couldn’t get back to sleep so just had to look. The rejection was sad to see but I preferred knowing over waiting, so managed to get to bed after that. I said a few prayers when getting up and getting to bed a bit more naturally; without having to force it.
Then later in the morning, I was invited to interview for another role which was a lovely positive. The weather has been beautiful all week.
Daily tasks:
I know I dreamt quite a bit today but I can’t remember all of them.
A couple of the dreams were about women but at least nothing was about p this time. It was a ‘normal’ arousal dream.
Then I had some kind of dream about cyclists and hitting into some woman’s food truck thing with my bicycle and then making it up to her by doing her a favour, something about getting her some exclusive time with the cyclists. It was a niceish dream and I think I’ve forgotten how nice dreams are to have. The p probably stopped me being able to dream properly.
I’m feeling very tired at the moment, probably because of the fasting. Nothing I can really do about it at the moment
Day 21:
It feels nice to say I’ve been clean for 3 weeks
My day went well today. I haven’t had urges today and kept my gaze down when I was out in town. There was an incident where I saw someone who looked like my childhood crush (obviously an adult representation of what my subconscious thinks are the appealing features of my childhood crush) and didn’t avert my gaze. It wasn’t s**ual in nature, more a mixture of curiosity and appreciation.
This doesn’t excuse as I still think this wrong. The natural feeling when seeing someone attractive is fine, but looking at them for the purpose of looking is wrong. I am happy that it wasn’t arousal but I still need to work on controlling my gaze. A non s**ual gaze leads to a longer stare which might lead to a peak and then i know what will happen.
I notice that i feel more confident in myself, more willing to make social connections.
Daily tasks:
Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night)
Make my bed (makes a massive difference)
Quick workout :
Cold shower
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation
Day 22:
The last 10 days of fasting are often the busiest. Late nights in prayer and extra worship which leaves me quite tired actually.
I dont want to be completely bereft of a routine though
Not much to comment on today, other than seeing an inappropriate ad pop up on YouTube and looking back at it for a moment. I have repented from the look, maybe i should end each day with a repentance for any gazes or anythinh related to pmo that i should repent for. Meaning that each day ends with a clean slate even from the minor falls
I read the story of Saul and David in scripture today. Saul tells his army not to drink from the river on the journey to Goliath, but they can take a handful to drink.
Most of them fail this and overindulge. I was trying to think of how this can apply to me, it is like my intellect is Saul, governing my desires (the army)
Only the desires that are tapered and in line with whatever is natural can fight on my behalf (spiritual fight), the warped and overindulgent desires i have are removed from my army (i have to cut them out completely). Aka get rid of pmo and anything like it, but keep desires that are natural like desire for companionship etc
Only in an environment like that will i cultivate the David inside me to slay the giant monster. This David will develop and grow to take control of my inner self, becoming a craftman, communicator, leader, artist and increasing in religious Knowledge.
I didn’t force the reflection but it came quite naturally which is nice
Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night)
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day)
Make my bed (makes a massive difference)
Quick workout :
Cold shower
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation
Day 23:
Not much to comment on today
I had a busy day helping someone who was about to made homeless.
Spent the day loading and unloading with a friend (about 10 years older than me) who I really look up to. There were also others helping but I spent the majority of time with him.
Good to see good people doing good things, and it was nice to help out
Been too busy to deal with my tasks but it’s a Sunday so we can call it a rest day
Now that I’ve had a bit more time to think and relax, i had some more thoughts to pen down.
My younger brothers were playing in the living room and watching a kids show. I was just sat watching them but There was a woman on the show and I stared at her for too long. Multiple glance and gazes. It wasn’t s**ual but it was attraction. Not lust but just appreciation of beauty. I think I’m in a space where I’m bouncing between p urges and nothing at all. Feeling attraction helps me remember I’m a man. I’m not just justifying it, just describing. I should’ve looked away earlier
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been feeling attraction to my wife too. The last few days her eyes have just been sparkling green that much more. They probably always do i just don’t take the time to notice. I also fantasised about having relations with her last night but she was asleep and I wasn’t going to wake her, that might have been selfish. We’re both fasting too so it’s hard to find time and energy
I’ve also been thinking about a desire i have to get approval from women. There is a primitive part of my self that desires approval from attractive women for my own self esteem. I don’t feed this part and don’t chase after anyone’s approval but I should acknowledge it’s there so I can deal with it properly. Again I don’t act on it (feel like I need to justify myself to whoever reads it but I realise no one knows me), when I get their approval it’s actually quite uncomfortable and disconcerting. There was an incident in the library not too long ago when someone approached me and it just made me feel uncomfortable. I like the thought of having the approval but don’t actually like having it i guess
Day 24:
I think my longest streak ever was about 3 months but that was probably more than 7 years ago. I’ve never kept track of my streaks but I think this is nearing my longest. Just need to stay on top of this
Feeling sleepy at the moment and I’ve got a week off from tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that. Found my wife very attractive last night and had an o after relations with her. Not intercourse as she is menstruating but i enjoyed the experience. Was hard to get started as I’m fasting and tired but once we got going I was definitely into it.
Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night)
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day)
Make my bed (makes a massive difference)
Quick workout
Cold shower
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation
You are doing well. Great work does your marriage life improved trying NoFap ?
Thanks!
Good question. I guess there’s a few things to consider. My marriage is already good, my wife is great and we get on well together. Marital relations are good but they’ve definitely been affected by p. Only by staying away from p, got an extended period of time will i know about how much they’ve been affected. Same with our relationship, we’re happy now but maybe (probably) we’ll be even better as I stay clean.
I look forward to finding out.
I used my phone in bed last night so bad habits are creeping back in. I’m reminding myself not to do the same tonight.
Also watched a lot of shorts, nothing inappropriate but was just craving the easy dopamine hit. I’ll stay away for the rest of tonight
While i was at work someone came and sat next to me and started talking to be. Just a normal chat maybe a bit over friendly and her intentions
could be slightly questionable. I tell my wife when these things happen because they are real human beings (obviously my problem with p is probably just as bad I’m just trying to justify it and i know her heart would break if she ever found out).
I did get inappropriate thoughts (i can’t tell her about this though she knows i am ‘a man’ and there are some things that come to a man naturally but she wouldn’t want to hear that. Internal thoughts are not the same as things happening in the real world with real people) come to me which, on my drive home pulled me to a memory of p that aroused me and triggered an urge. It wasn’t unbearable like it has been in the past and has since passed.
I want to deal with these thoughts earlier
Felt a slight urge as I am getting ready to go to bed. Wanted to confess and acknowledge it, as it has been helping.
When I get into bed, I start to feel low; I think I am so used to using p and doing m before bed - probably to deal with anxiety and sadness / loneliness - that I associate a sleep without p as a lonely and anxious sleep.
I think the solution is to connect to The Creator before bed, sometimes I spend so long disconnected from Him that I feel bad connecting. (I know I shouldn’t but Im just explaining what I do). It’s like having ignored your mum for months (never done this but it’s a good analogy), the longer you leave it, the worse it gets and the harder it is to deal with the fact that you are ignoring. The ignoring just leads to more ignoring. That’s probably what I am doing when I struggle to connect to The Most Merciful.
Let’s see if I can break this loop tonight.
Day 0:
I’m extremely disappointed with myself at the moment, I was doing so well and felt so good. It was just such a weak decision.
I want to think about all the things that led me to this position.
I am just so upset with myself and have such a disappointment spreading across my chest
I’m still feeling optimistic though. This was the better relapse I’ve had in a long time for the following reasons:
Now I just need to make sure this is a single event. I will not spiral into multiple relapses and will not do this ever again.