My confession journal - James 25M

Journal
62

Day 6:
I had a productive day today. It was mostly good. Just a couple of things to reflect on.

I went into work in person today which resulted in a trigger. I am generally just struggling with urges today and haven’t been on my best behaviour but the work trigger just made it worse. It was just a female interested in me. Sometimes it is the thought of someone being interested in me that is worse than them actually coming up and saying it. I let my imagination run wild and need to be more in control. Nothing happened though, these incidents just send me back to my p memories etc. I think the last time this happened I ended up relapsing that night or the next night so I just need to be careful. To make it worse, I was looking for something to watch over dinner and ended up glancing too long at thumbnails that were inappropriate (a woman that was attractive), not a stare but a stolen glance at something I knew I shouldn’t glance it.

I also struggle to stop myself looking at women when out in public, sometimes I catch myself and keep my gaze lowered but sometimes I will just look. I am improving since joining this app but just need to name and (nicely) shame my behaviours.

Next is just waking up earlier. If I can start the day a bit earlier and wake up a couple of hours earlier I will be so much more productive and have a nice morning instead of rushing around. I just need to get into a habit of this.

Related to the above is getting tired in the late afternoon. Not sure what I need to do to deal with this but the last 2 days I have taken power naps after work. It worked but I want a better solution.

Day 6 tasks:

Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night) :x:
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day) :white_check_mark:
Make my bed (makes a massive difference) :white_check_mark:
Quick workout :white_check_mark:
Gym workout :white_check_mark:
Cold shower :white_check_mark:
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation :white_check_mark:

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Hey man! You are doing great! You are super self aware and know what you need to work on so that’s awesome. Hope you get your dream job. Remember that you are in the Lords hands

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Day 7:

I’m getting myself into a better routine at the moment. I’ve been benefitting from the research by Dr Anna Lembke and reduce my dopamine consumption, putting myself through appropriate duress instead.

And it’s been working. I feel more in control generally and have been more focused and productive. I’m feeling more energetic from the gym, more water consumption and less food.

I didn’t really have any urges today, not sure why but I’m not complaining.

Started reading don quixote and I’m loving it. A delusional spaniard decides he’s a historic Knight and interprets everything around him in this light. I resonate with an escapism to the past, to days of yore.

I feel a bit empty inside, which i think is to do wit the dopamine restriction. I’m hoping my body will acclimatise to this feeling and soon it will feel normal

Day 7 tasks:

Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night) :x:
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day) :x:
Make my bed (makes a massive difference) :white_check_mark:
Quick workout :white_check_mark:
Gym workout :white_check_mark:
Cold shower :white_check_mark:
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation :x:
Review old memorisation of scripture (1chapter) :white_check_mark:
New memorisation of scripture (1 page) :x:

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Day 8:

I’m feeling overall quite good at the moment. More mindful and controlled. I woke up 2 hours earlier than normal today and stayed focused all day.

I’m feeling more positive generally, didn’t have any urges today but I’m sure they’ll be back with a bite in a few days. I’ll make the most of the lack of urges though

Before fasting I’d not exercised for a while at all. Since starting exercise when joining this group I’ve made quite a lot of progress
From 20 pressups in a row max to 43 currently
From a couple of pull ups in a row to 14 currently

I know it’s probably not a lot for most but I’m impressed with my progress

Day 8 tasks:

Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night) :white_check_mark:
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day) :white_check_mark:
Make my bed (makes a massive difference) :white_check_mark:
Quick workout :white_check_mark:
Gym workout :x: (rest day)
Cold shower :white_check_mark:
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation :x:
Review old memorisation of scripture (1 chapter) :white_check_mark:
New memorisation of scripture (1 page) :white_check_mark:

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being aware of yourself and nature is a relaxing feeling. The more we lose external things the more we can see the truth of existence. I am finally finding this out myself after many relapses.

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Nature is the mother of inner peace.

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I’m happy for you brother! It’s awesome when you can see some concrete progress in your journey. Keep fighting the good fight!

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Day 9:
I’m just feeling good at the moment, i know it won’t last forever so I’m just trying to make the most of it, carpe diem.

Almost no urges at all although when i went to to the supermarket i looked back at a female (not inappropriately dressed or anything) which i should’nt have done. I will repent from this tonight, she’s not for me to look at and I’m married.i have to remind myself of this and shame myself in a healthy way in this public/anon space to stop myself.

I’ve changed my eating habits and i think that’s really helped with everything

Currently i have a deadline coming up and I’ve been procrastinating a lot to ignore it. Need to just get it done
Normally when a deadline approaches i feel the stress and turn to p to deal with it. Not this time though

Day 9 tasks:

Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night) :white_check_mark:
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day) :white_check_mark:
Make my bed (makes a massive difference) :white_check_mark:
Quick workout :x:
Gym workout :white_check_mark:
Cold shower :white_check_mark:
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation :x:
Review old memorisation of scripture (1 chapter) :white_check_mark:
New memorisation of scripture :white_check_mark:

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Day 10:
TRIGGER WARNING: i will mention suici*** thoughts below so don’t read if you are struggling

Another good day generally. I started the day early and took a nap midday, that’s the hardest part of the day for me once i nap i just lose all my energy

But today i went and played football in the park in the evening which was just really nice

I’m feeling more in tune with myself. More emotional but in a good way, i cried when watching a short video about kid crying when seeing his dad.

I’m in a good mood as mentioned, but when i went to sleep in the day a thought came to me that hasn’t come in about a week, I’d almost forgotten that i even had this thought so regularly. I used to go to bed every night and get this thought to take a gun to my head to just escape the emptiness and anxiety. I think the feeling is still there but I’m just addressing it in a more healthy way.

Anxiety of my own mortality is not going anywhere. I just need to act rather than freeze when it comes to dealing with preparing for death. This might not make sense because I’m not really sure what I’m saying. I haven’t thought about this enough

Day 10 tasks:

Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night) :white_check_mark:
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day) :white_check_mark:
Make my bed (makes a massive difference) :white_check_mark:
Quick workout :x:
Gym workout :x: (but i played football in park so I’ll count that)
Cold shower :white_check_mark:
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation :x:
Review old memorisation of scripture (1 chapter) :x:
New memorisation of scripture :white_check_mark:

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You need to consult a therapist. Your way down the hill.

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Yes perhaps but i don’t think it’s that bad.
Having the thought it not the same as wanting to act on the thoughts. I’ve not wanted to act on a thought like that but the image comes to my head.

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Day 13:

I haven’t posted for 2 days but i have a good excuse so don’t take me to task. On Monday evening my teacher (mentor, spiritual guide and teacher) invited me to come and see him. He’s just a normal man, a scholar and spiritually something special but he walks and lives like a normal person which is what i like. He does not accept being treated like someone special and i have a close relationship with him.

I wrote him a letter and gave it to him before leaving

He lives in europe and i live in UK so a handful of us jumped in a car and took the ferry and a road trip to see him. It was a lovely trip but I didn’t have access to my phone (which was a blessing actually as it kept me conscious and mindful.

I barely slept during the journey because it was a lot of travelling and doing things and also didn’t eat too well or exercise. I got back this morninh just in time for work and have eaten a little better today and drunk more water.

It was an amazing trip and very fun too. I feel rejuvenated and know what the next stage in my journey is.

Even while i was there i couldn’t help taking occasional glances at women. It makes me sound terrible but i like to think I’m not a wolf licking his licks at prey, it’s a dog chasing cars (modified from batman). I like the act but wouldn’t do anything. I’ve been offered and approached before but I turn it down feeling shy and embarrassed. This is my natural state ive just warped part of it through p, the looking and eventually the m with the looking.

I’m improving but still have a long way to go. I searched myself on the journey and found out a few things about my character as well as the character of the ones i went with.

I had a dream in which I saw my wife (the beautiful woman of my life of course) and an enticing woman, not s**ually enticing but pretty. I was drawn to the woman that was enticing me. I think this dream was from accursed satan to check how far I am on my journey and currently he knows I’m just a stones throw from a fall.

Only once in my life, many years ago, did he test me in a dream and I was not interested in the enticement. He was furious after that. I think that his door to controlling me and I want to lock that door so he has no way in.

I also was more in tune with the after effects of the trip. The car journey back was a lot of fun and the mixture of sleep deprivation and similarly witty friends meant that there was a lot of laughter. Unfortunately what that meant was there was going to be a come down. Normally I’m not aware of it and it hits me like a ton of bricks then i get panicky and relapse.

But this time i was ready. In fact i am feeling the come down right now. Generally low in mood and sad. I know it will pass and am happy to be sad (oxymoron)

Looking forward to what lies ahead

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Just want to ask why don’t you get intimate with your wife when ever you feel urges, its one of the purpose of marriage to full fill your desires in proper manner

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Great question, if she is here I am intimate with her

For example today I saw her for the first time after a week and we were intimate and it was a great experience. The problem is that we are both studying and she is studying away from home. I’m often going about a week without seeing her maybe longer

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Day 14:

Happy to be reaching 2 weeks again! It’s a nice feeling and i definitely feel more in control. I’ve been engaging in the ordained communal worship in congregation rather than isolation more often in the day and I’ve benefitted from this. I feel the joy in the worship more and long for it more too.

I was getting some thoughts cross my mind today but I was intimate with my wife and theyve now passed. We also spent some nice time together and had a nice catch up.

Recovering from the 2 days in europe with little sleep has been a slow process. I’m learning to appreciate the power of little things in granting me greater energy. Drinking more water, eating less and healthier, exercising, staying off my phone without a need.

I’m starting to use my phone in black and white mode or at least with the eye comfort setting and it’s less addicting to use in this way. My eyes are less attracted to the colours and things so it’s easier to stay off. Anyone reading this i would recommend it to see how it is for you

Sleep without going on phone at night (I tick this for the previous night) :white_check_mark:
Repent from the days sins (tick for previous day) :white_check_mark:
Make my bed (makes a massive difference) :white_check_mark:
Quick workout :x:
Gym workout :x:
Cold shower :x:
Read 2 pages of scripture with contemplation :x:
Review old memorisation of scripture (1/2 chapter) :white_check_mark:
New memorisation of scripture :white_check_mark:
Prayers in congregation 2/5

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Okay, does you feel some consequences of PMO while intimating like you don’t feel aroused or anything like that

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There were consequences but I don’t think i noticed them, that was not one of the consequences and I’m hoping that as i abstain for longer I’ll be able to figure out just how pmo affected the relationship

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have you ever discussed your addiction problem to your partner openly?

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I don’t think I could.
I’m not brave enough
And she would not be able to handle it
It would be a relief for me but a torment for her, that wouldn’t be fair to her

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You’re a good man my friend. Keep strong :slight_smile: we all know that you can do your duty to her.

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