Hello Dairy… It’s been so long since I have started self inflicting myself with the disease of masurbation, I don’t remember when I started I think it was around the age of 18 or 19😔… I am 27 as of making this post.
My eye sight is not what it use to be and am not sure it will get any better as I grow older ( I mean my eye), as for my addiction I hope that me writing this diary will help me overcome it or at least inspire some else to overcome theirs.
In all I firstly and mostly grateful to Allah for guiding me to this community because I really need the support🙏. The fear of people judging me has left to suffer in silence, because the few people I shared my condition with only end up judging me, I guess you can’t understand unless you are suffering or have suffered from the disease yourself, also big thank to the developer of this app. Also grateful to the YouTube channel that lead me here #minute_wisdom- YouTube
My major reason for wanting to quit and start this journey:
1- I consider myself to be religious(Muslim) and in my religion it is considered to be a sin, maybe not a major sin, but if I dnt quit now I am scared that I might end up on the wrong side of the scale which I am honestly scared of,
2- It drains my confidence there reducing my self esteem
3- I want to over my unreal sexual desires
I am not one for much words but I’ll do best to be honest to myself and share my progress with the primary hope that I am able to see changes and get rid of this disease forever so I may lend a helping hand to those who may in it around me, I wish myself good luck, and to all those who have not given up on trying after countless relapse, may the Lord keep giving us the strength to keeping fighting…
I just joined the community and yesterday, I am feeling positive today, with the help of prayer and work, I don’t have any urge although the weird thought pop into my mind now and then, I am happy I have some where to express myself.
LOG 2 29 November 2022
Streak : 2day 3h and counting
Relapse: 0
I feel
Today was another good day no urges, but the weird thought are still coming to my mind, immediately they come I dismiss them so they don’t go to far.
I started the day off with my morning prayer and some meditation, for the meditation I used the an app called Calm (although most of the things are not free I just play the free lessons it was a 7 day lesson ) I am still new to meditation so I have not started to see any real benefits.
Things have been going smoothly anyway, I thank God for everything…
LOG 3 30 November 2022
Streak : 3day 5h and counting
Relapse : 0
I feel
Logging my journey here again, I am focusing on each day not bothering myself about the future that much anymore, my morning meditation today kept quite relaxed and motivated although I cant say I have really got the hang of meditating yet but my coach said I just need keep practicing, so I’ll keep doing that.
Today I got an urge to checkout the latest porm videos on pornhub but thank goodness I ddnt I was able to refocus my mind.
Lately I have been more religious than usual and I am happy about it, Alhamdulilah today was another successful one
LOG 4 1 December 2022
Streak : 3day 5h and counting
Relapse : 0
I feel worried and sad
Hello dairy I wasn’t able to post last night because was feeling angry, although my day started off wonderfully but before the end of the day something happened that made me really angry and worried, it even made me almost Relapse, but with my mindfulness medication technique, a cold bath,my determination and dedication to succeed in this community, and the patients provided by Allah Almighty I would have relapsed…
What got me pissed was that I go to the bank to withdraw my monthly pay and I saw minus 49,000 which really surprised me and annoyed me at the same time.
Although I was able to resist the urge by the grace of God, and keep my cool, so this morning I’ll make i am the first set of people in the bank so that they can explain to me why I have minus in my account. I just hope I can get the money back because its what plan on using to play my rent…
LOG 4 2 December 2022
Streak : 5day 2h and counting
Relapse : 0
I feel anxious
Hello diary I just reached my longest no fap streak of 5 days, because in the past this the longest I have stayed without fapping was 5 days.
I think the urges are beginning to surface little by little, I pray I’ll be able to overcome them I have seeing the way people post about their relapses and how guilty they felt and I can truly feel their pain, but I dnt want that to be my story.
And for those of you following was able to get my money from the bank today
Wow nice to know that
But I still don’t get why engineers get payed not enough money I mean their job takes lots of efforts and brain power that they should get payed more.
LOG 5 4 December 2022
Streak : 6day 15h and counting
Relapse : 0
I feel nothing special
Hello diary I ddnt post yesterday I was very busy with work I decided to take on multiple projects with very short deadlines so to always stay busy.
But to be honest I think the urges are beginning to creep up even louder these bat few days… I have been trying to keep them a bay anyway because I don’t want to have to post I failed in the comments section, and I dnt want my counter to start from 0 again…
That pain and guilt one feels after committing the act, is the what I really dnt want to experience I dnt know if I’ll be able start from the beginning, imagine that alone motives me to keep going.
The urges are hitting me hard today. I am on my 6.5 day the first 5 days I felt nothing I wonder if this normal. Even though I am busy working I can’t seem push it away I just keeps coming back time I push, I keep flash back of past videos watched, it like I am fighting a war in my head, I’ll go and take a cold shower, I hope it helps
I relapsed after the urges of my previous post I was able to overcome that urge by listening to calm songs for the rewire app and meditation which helped relax and I slept off I thought that was it, then late at night as was about to sleep another wave hit me… Did not even have time to think to repeat the same thing that helped me previously as I the urges came I took phone and you all know what happened next
Although I was able to reach 7 days, which had never been done in years since I started this addiction, I am grateful to my Lord firstly and secondly to this community for helping me get there.
I reset my counter, now I am at day 0, I dnt want to get depressed about it to the point that it won’t allow me do anything productive so I start day 0 with the hope and belief that I can go higher than the 7 days
I have been keeping myself really busy to the point I have not really been able to make logs here, I am is a bit sad that I relapsed but I back on track Inshallah 2.5 days in and counting
- YouTube
… I am software engineer 8 years experience, Incase anyone needs an app holla at me
I mean their job takes lots of efforts and brain power that they should get payed more.