Marriage in trouble

Hi brothers

I have been married for 2 and a half years now, i am from India had a couple of affairs before marriage some of them were good some great and some just sucked whenever it didn’t feel right i ended them asap and when the other person did the same I took it in a positive way except the first one but got over it in some years

Few years back i got married it was a marriage arranged by my parents it’s normal back here in India.

Starting few months of the marriage all was ok but soon i realised that my way of enjoying sex was not shared by my partner i tried to figure things out did a lot of searching within, also spoke with her regarding the same, also looked up stuff on the internet, me not getting what I want ended me masterbating many a times but soon i found out that it was just making things worse, somehow I found nofap and then I found porn reboot and rewire app it helped me a lot to understand why my life’s a mess not only my present but i realised lot of my past was also affected by PMO ,things started making sense and i connected the dots that lot of my actions were hugely influenced because of my use of weed alcohol and masterbating although I won’t call it an addiction but back then i thought I was living the party life and that’s how we are suppose to enjoy but still felt a hole inside

Now I am trying reboot and have made some progress since the last 2.5 years started to focus on my financial and personal life which are still a mess but atleast i keep a track and am working towards growth

In all other parts of my life i have seen how rebooting will help ,i have experienced it myself in the few months here and there where I controlled PMO and with many slips and relapses i learnt it can help once I get it under control fully BUT the fact still remains that me and my spouse don’t share the same when it comes to sex she doesn’t like the way I do things and worst she is never into it ,even if she does go ahead with it i can make it out she is not enjoying it ,at first I thought maybe rebooting will help us maybe I use to masterbate and that’s the reason somehow it’s affecting our sexlife but now I am starting to think otherwise

I used to watch porn during all my past affairs as well but it didn’t affect my sexual life so much ,yes removing porn can very much have a positive affect on a relationship but I don’t think that’s the case here.

Apart from the sex and some affection part my wife does a lot of help in the house work ,takes care of things ,looks after my dad but there is no passion or affection within us but I know she is a good person but I don’t feel for her

I recently also met a girl i knew before getting married , actually we were supposed to get married ,we were very much into each other we never had sex though but we use to speak for hours and had a lot of passion and affection for eachother but things didn’t work out back then,after meeting her after 2.5 yrs i realised i have never spoken to my wife like i speak with her and never felt the same as I felt for her ,she understands that i am married now so we decided that we will just be friends even though we know we have feelings for eachother

Now I am planning to workout things with my wife but at the same time i am trying to reboot, make a living by going to work try and be at my best over there, i avoid going out with friends cause I am avoiding weed and alcohol cause I have learnt most of my slips and relapses are post getting high or drunk or both ,i just met a girl who makes me feel I missed out on the life i could have had “that ship has sailed” but the remaining things altogether makes it look like a mammoth of a task i know i can’t take on all things at once but honestly i am just overwhelmed

Help

Regards
Totto

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That’s sad to hear bro. I appreciate your efforts to make your marriage work, i really do. I know this is an obvious and definitely usual suggestion someone might have given to you, but why don’t you try to have an honest conversation with your wife about things that she likes. Or how she wants to engage in sex. Everyone have different interests when it comes to sex. Might as well ask and do accordingly. Wishing you all the best bro

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Brother, what’s the point of living with someone you don’t have feelings for. It is better to live with the one you love and to which you are attracted. If you can’t have sex with your wife, then divorce her and start dating the one you have feelings for. Maybe it doesn’t work because you have PIED? If there is no PIED, then your wife is not the person you need. You’ll feel better when you get together with a friend.

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Its easier said than done
Now many times we may be having issues with ourselves but we fail to recognise that we have a particular disease

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Hey brother
I can feel u the way things are going presently
Now take this advice from me who is in 4 + years of relation of which one year being together and last three years just meeting once a year and that too for 3 hrs

  1. have an open conversation even regarding this addiction for me this was a turning point and i didnt want to keep my gf in confusion and i was ready to being dumped coz i felt she deserved better
  2. Once i became open i realised these girls value our small efforts a lot
    A small sweet gesture means a lot
    They donot want expensive gifts
    Guve them enough time and small surprises and they will give u 100 % of it
  3. Dont always go for sex … once she is confortable she will obviously give that too but u can do many other things which doesnt require sex
    Getting close to each other is important which i finally was able to achieve and now we guys pray not to meet in private coz we wont be able to control each other
    And for activities to do together u can message me separately i might help u thats it
    Trust each other
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Thanks guys i am planning to all what you have suggested also planning to take marriage counseling just need to convince my wife for the same hopefully it will solve things between us but I know the last option if all doent go well is go our separate ways which In itself will be a very difficult long and emotionally disturbing but correct thing to do

The good thing bout this whole thing is I am on f*#$ing hard mode no sex no pmo achieving new emotional stiffness

Thank you once again brothers

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Aah don’t worry bro… Just ask her what you need to do to make her enjoy it. Communication is the key.
Also, apart from sex, just be a romantic husband. Give your wife attention. Give her compliments. Go out on a date. Talk about things you both like.
Give her a present, doesn’t need to be an expensive one. Make her feel special. Happy wife, happy life.

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I have a task for you. Do it and see the results.

Just buy a chocolate or something she likes. Give her with a compliment. Tell her she is beautiful and you love her etc. Tell her you want to have a happy life with her but you feel she is not content in bed. Ask her what she wants. Just talk it out bro.

It’s not a big problem. Your marriage is not in trouble. Just relax. Talk to her and everything will be alright.

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Thanks a lot will try this for sure

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Mention not bro, and do try this.

First of all get rid of the person you have feelings for. Dont be friends with her, make her go away. Why ?
Because once you are commited to somebody especially in a marriage you just cant destroy their life because your dick wants other girl. No matter whomever you would be with, you’d still look for newer girl with girly things and hottness that can make you feel loved. So its problem within you. Every married person have those feelings with some other girl they like. But its our job to get rid of those feelings by keeping distance from that person. Because its a disease not something to look upto. It will destroy your life for temprory feeling of love that will not last longer untill you are hunting new person that can make you feel loved. So unless your wife is not good wife, she dosent do her job as a mother or as a good wife, then you have no reason to hurt her. Lack of Love is not a reason to end the relation but to build one.

Secondly, sex is not the only thing that you should be worried about. Do not just try new things in sex, rather focus on improving your bond with your wife. There are many things you can do to create a more strong connection with your wife and you’ll see that the normal sex will be much better than before. Do not just solely focus on sex and expect it to improve your bond. It works other way around.

Go and do outing and have surprise dinners
Buy new cloths for her so she feel pretty about herself
Maybe take a trip of one week to some remote location
Etc…

Dont expect it to improve from just a few trips or tour rather its a mental state you and your partner has to develop that will improve everything

Hope that helps!

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I agree with this too …

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Dude, I’m married too. And still fighting for quiting porn for good too. I feel shamed and miserable because of this, cuz I love mu wife a lot. She is my life.

We don’t have an intense sexual life because women doesn’t have that appetite that we guys do. And that’s it.

Solution: Focus on your relationship. Love this woman. Know her and let her know you. Be her best friend and mostly, have on her your best Company. Above it ALL: you both need to be friends.

About sex: Once - and only when - she feels close to you, she Will be atracted and do great sex with you. It’s boring for us guys to cativate the same woman everyday, but it’s necessary. A strong and real Man loves the same Woman all his life.

About The other girl: it’s called passion. Just It. Your heart is tricking you. Once you get a relationship with this girl, After 2 years most, things will be tedious and boring too, and you you will be like: “why did i married this person?”. In the past 4 years I’ve already felt in love and lost this love for my wife a hundred times, but everytime things start going bad, I spend time, money and energy - as she does It too - for us to feel in love for each other again. And here is the Magic of marriage. You both struggle to love each other, and once you put your efforts on It, It works. I’m in love with my wife these days, thinking she os the most beautiful, hot and sweet Woman in the world, but last week I wasn’t. And that was my fault! I wasn’t realizing how wonderful she is, she has always been - my fault!


Be strong. Be brave. Be courageous.
I still haven’t beaten porn yet. But I will, and I’m sure you will too!

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Wow :pray:
Even though I am not married but your wisdom and love towards your wife is appreciable .
Respect

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I don’t know but this made me laugh😅

P.S Nice work guysss.

@totto_rewire i don’t think there is anything which can be done in this relationship if she doesn’t seem to be invested. It’s the truth of life. Don’t force her, live your life in a good way. Meditate, exercise, read books, earn money :).

You don’t need her validation dude, making it simple, do your best for yourself and family, not saying you to make yourself feel good, i mean grind in your life. Most important be loyal towards your marriage but don’t seek validation if she isn’t giving shit. Treat her like a good person, but don’t treat her like a Queen, she will loose more interest if you suddenly get too good to her.

Eventually if she really is good, she will deal with it.

You already have many things to deal with dude, at the least you will have kids, they need a happy childhood to flourish the best :). so create a situation like that :). but don’t fake anything okay :).

You are smart dude, make things work without giving a toll on your mind.

It’s your lifeee, don’t get burdened by a marriage.
Be Genuine in your approach.

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Thanks a lot guys lot of views i can try to implement Even i don’t want to give up on it this soon hope all things work out

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@totto_rewire Bro did u try that chocolate task?

No bro did do it yet but yes will try i am also planning to see a therapist regarding our problem

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Thanks bro but truly i am very stressed out

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Hey guys i have started smoking again cause it’s too much to handle i can’t take on every struggle at once but feel pathetic help

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